-We here at "Late Night,"
we don't always have time to cover the news,
so to help us out, here is one of our writers, Amber Ruffin,
in a segment we call "Amber Says What."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you, Seth.
Things have been crazy!
Okay, first of all,
pumpkin spice everything is back,
and I'm like, "What?"
It is only September 7th.
But then I realized, if pumpkin spice is back,
that means it's almost Halloween,
which means it's damn near Thanksgiving,
which means it's Christmas tomorrow!
Yay! I was like, "Whaat?"
Then I read a news story that a man stole a plane
and threatened to crash it into a Walmart.
And I was like, "What?"
Why would you take a perfectly good Walmart
and turn it into a TJ Maxx?
[ Laughter ]
Then I heard Marjorie Taylor Greene
compared President Biden to Hitler, and I was like, "What?
Do you like Biden or not? 'Cause you seem to like Hitler.
And I'm pretty sure he'd love you."
[ Laughter ]
Then the FBI raided Mar-A-Lago
and found a bunch of classified stuff,
and I was like, "What?!"
Is Trump in real trouble?
Does that mean...
♪♪
Could it possibly mean...
♪ Maybe he'll go to jail -- ♪
-No, Amber, I just --
I just wouldn't get your hopes up, you know?
[ Laughter ]
-Yeah, you right.
So, then the frigging dumbest thing happened.
Dionne Warwick was at the U.S. Open,
and the announcer called her Gladys Knight,
and I was like, "What?!
Boy, can you see?"
I assume whoever did that was immediately fired
and then rehired by the WNBA,
because at the New York Liberty game,
they showed Sam Jay on the Jumbotron and said it was Ziwe.
And I was like, "What?!"
No two people on planet Earth look more different
than Sam Jay and Ziwe.
I hope you're not one of those people who's like,
"I don't see color," because this is proof
color is the only thing you see. [ Laughter ]
You literally found another cute Black woman
and was like, "This'll do." Well guess what.
We're all cute, you frigging idiot.
[ Laughter ]
Next thing you know, that Jumbotron guy
is gonna get hired by the Cubs and be like,
"Harriet Tubman is here!"
[ Laughter ]
Then, Dolly Parton released a fun line of products for pets,
and I was like, "What? That's great!"
But then I found out it included
wigs for dogs, and I was like, "What?! That's dumb."
But then I saw it.
And I was like, "Wh-a-a-a-at?!" [ Laughter ]
"You doggies look good!"
Is your name Jolene? 'Cause I'm begging you,
please don't take my man, cute-ass dog.
So then everyone was talking about "quiet quitting,"
and I was like, "What...is that?"
Then I found out "quiet quitting" is doing
the bare minimum at your job while looking for a new one.
And I was like, "What?! You cowards.
Don't quit quietly, quit loud."
I'll show you how I quit.
"Seth, I quit!"
-No, you don't.
-Yeah, I don't, but only because I love you so bad.
-Aww! -Shut up!
[ Laughter ]
So then I read that a man had his Tesla car keys
implanted in his hand.
Look at this.
[ Horn chirps ]
♪♪
And I was like, "What... a lazy bastard!"
You sloppy bum.
You can't keep your car keys in your dang pocket?
Now, I'm scared to ask this, but where is your wallet?"
[ Laughter ]
Y'all, if this guy offers you a piece of gum, say no.
You do not know where it's been.
What are you trying to do?
Turn yourself into a real-life Inspector Gadget?
Impossible!
But heck, we all want impossible things.
♪♪
♪ Maybe trump will go to jail -- ♪
-Amber, I just think --
Just don't get ahead of ourselves.
This is not realistic.
-Yeah, you right.
So, then I was watching the U.S. Women's gymnastics championships
and Konnor McClain won the gold, and I was like, "What?
Yay! A Black lady won! Yippee!"
Then Shilese Jones got the silver, and I was like,
"What, what?!
Two Black women? Oh, my God, my heart."
Then Jordan Chiles got bronze, and I was like,
"What, what, what?! This is a historic moment."
The entire winner's podium was Black women.
These Black queens made me feel like
I was a professional gymnast.
But then I threw my back out trying to pick up a Cheeto,
so I realized that is not my ministry.
[ Laughter ]
But for a moment I was hopeful.
And it's that hope that's important.
You know what I hope?
♪♪
♪ Maybe he'll go to -- ♪
Ah, [bleep] it.
There's no way a rich person is gonna face consequences
for their actions.
Ha ha ha! Ridiculous.
This has been "Amber Says What."
[ Cheers and applause ] Dang it!
That's Wanda Sykes! Who hired that guy?!