♪ It's human nature ♪
- Men are in crisis.
Mansplaining, manspreading, mayonaise, times up,
Woody Allen, Dave Nevaro,
we've got a lot of issues guys.
Thankfully I'm here to help.
Now why am I qualified, because I've got a
popular podcast, a gender neutral haircut,
and I've dealt with every problem that a man can have.
I've got erectile dysfunction right now.
I'm Theo Vonn and this is Man Up.
So this weeks episode is about growth.
And I got a call from Calila,
who is a girlfriend of an old friend of mine
named Bobby Lire or Bob Li.
And some of you guys have seen him,
and he hasn't really exhibited growth very well in his life.
So first things first, I went over there to help out.
- He's the absolute love of my life.
I don't see a future without him,
but there are some barriers to our relationship.
Namely, my step dad.
My step dad's a little bit more traditional
and he has some concerns.
- Say if I were a peeping tom right,
and you're not here.
And I show up, 'cause I got a ladder,
and I got everything I need right.
I got the gloves, I got a thermos,
you know I got time to kill,
you know I'm unemployed.
And I'm here watching through the windows
and I see Bobby, what's he gonna be doing.
What am I gonna see him doing?
- 16 hours of video game play
with the occasional intermittent break
of masterbatory activities.
- Jesus christ.
I know when I see somebody
that needs to evolve a little bit.
- Right.
- And for me it just seems like Bobby
just wants to play this child forever.
- He's a man baby.
- When I first moved in here,
I would walk out to the balcony
and I would always get this strong smell of ammonia.
Then I see this massive jug of yellow fluid.
So I asked him, Bobby what is that?
- His natural urine isn't it.
- His natural urine.
- That's an easy one.
- He says it's a Korean thing,
I don't buy it.
- Yeah I don't buy that either
I've watched a lot of Korean shit online,
I've never seen anything like that.
And I used to pee in my girlfriends sink at night
and the cats would show up
and they started peeing in there and that's
how her mom knew I was peeing in there.
So it's you know there's a lot of ways
to get caught up in that.
- Let me give you an example of my step dads 70th birthday.
- Okay.
- Six people in the table, fancy dinner,
I asked Bobby hey no gadgets,
so he didn't know what to do with his hands.
So naturally his hands found my breasts.
- Oh wow.
- During dinner.
- Crotch too or just breasts? Honestly.
- Mostly breasts. Mostly waist up.
- Did he witness some of it.
- He witnessed all of it.
- Jesus dude.
That makes my fucking neck hurt.
- That 70th birthday fiasco is what I want to erase
out of everyone's memory.
- Right.
- So I want to have a dinner with my step dad.
I want a re do.
- Yes I got a good idea.
If you don't mind I'd like to maybe
take him aside for a little bit
and see if we can't do some things.
Crack into that jaundice phenomemon
that's going on behind his eyes.
And see what we can create.
- Please.
- Okay.
Look I can relate.
Bobby has extra urine around the house, I've been there.
You know I've done a lot of poor choices.
I've got two bags of body hair under my sink right now.
One of them is mine.
But I know that I have to change.
The mission now was getting Bobby to know
that he needs to change as well.
- [Theo] I hear him, I hear him.
Stand up straight.
- Hey honey.
- Sup Bob.
He has nothing crazy.
- What's deal? What is this?
- Uh just hanging out man, seeing if you were home.
- Yeah I am home I'm here.
- Yeah you weren't home.
- Okay.
- What's going on man
- hey
- good to see you bro
- What's going on.
- Yeah you look good.
- What is this?
- Just like a little, it's gonna be like,
kind of like an intervention,
but nobody's here but us.
- Intervention? I've been sober for
like 15 years so I'm good.
- It's not about that though. Right?
She's good, nobody's pregnant.
Let's go outside. If it's alright man.
- What
- Yeah bro we're not being crazy I promise.
I mean some people are crazy, but we're not them.
- You're not gonna call me and tell me.
- About 80 feet it looks like.
- Dude, dude, just call me and tell me that
you're going to do this.
- My bad.
- What do you mean your bad?
Is this like just call me.
- I'm saying I feel bad now.
- Yeah but there's a crew in my house it's weird.
- Well Calila, first of all Calila reached out to me.
Okay I'm not trying to be rude but.
- She called you?
- She said something to me yeah, on the phone.
She called.
- Weird.
- She said straight up.
- Everything's fine.
- Well that's not exactly how she framed it.
- Yeah but how did she frame it?
- I'll say it.
Bobby masturbates around the house,
different places, urinates outdoors,
- And.
- Dude there's people that live out here.
Neighbors man. That could be
- Yeah I'm also
- Is that a school.
- Oh can I just say this though
- Yeah. Say it.
- I just defend myself alright.
In society we make these rules like etiquette.
- Okay.
- Right. But these rules are made to be broken.
- Yeah, in high school Bobby, in junior high.
You know in kindergarten, in pre-K.
People shitting off the balcony and you know
pissing in front of people.
There's 60 people living over there.
- Alright.
- So I'm just saying let's try this bro.
We go to this thing today with me.
And then we go to another event with his family.
And we see if you can step it up bro.
It's her step dad!
She's already down to her second dad.
- I gotta go places with you? Alright.
- She's already down to her second dad Bobby.
- Next time though, seriously next time,
you call me and you tell me that you're going to do this
because it's fucking bullshit.
- Okay is your phone on? I tried to text you.
- No it's not on.
- Because of my southern roots
I know that manners are important.
And what Babbabear here is missing
is a little bit of them manoirs.
So I took little Bobby to a Cotillion class
with some high society types.
You ready?
- Yeah.
- Alright, sayonara.
- Say hello everyone to our gues-
oh we're going in for a hug.
Okay I actually went for that because I didn't
want to be rude, but we're gonna work on introductions.
- You don't like ethnic storm.
- No it has nothing to do with ethnicity.
I'm an all inclusive person.
- I just went in a little too hot I think.
- You went in like we-
a little too familiar I would say.
We are all here to actually teach you some manners today.
- I know all the manners but alright.
- Well I'm here to teach you all of things that you
don't know that you don't know.
- Like if I lived in England in a castle?
- No this is actually what I like to call
real life skills.
These are everyday courtesy's that you should know.
And anyone should know.
For both your personal and your professional life.
- Alright.
- Alright that's- we're gonna work on that.
No that's not happening.
Anytime you meet someone,
you need to know the proper greeting.
You want to have one arms length distance
which is about 18 inches between another person.
We are not going to flap our wings like a birdie.
We're going to pretend we have books on
either side of our waist.
And we are going to act as if we are
conducting an orchestra.
- This is ridiculous, I've never
- Okay here we go, here we go.
- It's absolute ludicy.
- Here we go, stop, stop, stop.
- I made all these arrangements for Bobby
to take a moment to not think about himself
and to listen to somebody else,
and to actually display a little bit of congeniality.
- Chew and swallow, chew and swallow.
- And I was just bool.
- And honestly he didn't really show up.
- I swear to god I farted twice already,
but it was quiet.
(kids squealing)
- Okay this is so not a regular manners class.
- In America we are told to chew quietly.
- Oh here in America, I did not know that.
- Yeah well.
- Thank you so much, white lady for telling me
how to eat in America.
- I am not teasing him.
- Look I think our last hope is to see if Bobby
can properly know how to make a toast,
otherwise I don't even see how he's gonna survive
this tomorrow dude.
- Yeah you're not placing good bets on, or good odds.
- You want me to do a toast.
Hear hear.
- Hear hear.
- I would like to salut.
- Excuse me I have to interrupt.
You open with the lines,
I would like to propose a toast.
Hear hear is at the end of the toast.
Let's try it again.
- Bobby.
- You're laughing, but this is serious business.
- This is the worst human experience
I've ever had in my life.
- How does that make me feel.
- That's your problem.
- No I think you're great.
- That makes me feel so badly.
(laughter)
I'm going to cry.
- Now he's laughing.
- It's not funny guys.
So things hadn't gone well,
the big dinner had arrived and I realized that
Bobby was gonna need some assistance.
- That was weird.
- Okay hello.
- How you doing/
- You alright.
- Yeah I feel fine.
- You don't always pull out my chair.
- I know because I'm a different man.
- Before we start, I called the both of you
to have dinner because the last dinner
that we had together didn't go so well.
- When we go out to eat you are constantly
groping her in front of everyone.
- Can I say something.
- No just wait a second, just hear this out.
- Okay.
- When you do this, it's kind of insulting.
- Okay that's good, I understand that.
- Good evening guys, my name's chuckie,
I'll be your waiter this evening.
- What's your name?
- Chuckie.
- Hey Chuckie.
- Nice to see you, just the three of you guys tonight?
- Mm hmm,
- Awesome, welcome to The District,
have anybody told you about our specials.
- Not yet.
- No you're the first guy to say hi.
- Excellent tonight we have a seven ounce duck,
- Yeah that's it?
- That's it.
- Yeah that's gonna be it.
- And what's on it?
- The duck comes natural,
it comes in its own sauce and it's
- What kind of sauce is it?
- I can ask the chef for you sir.
- Well you should know that right as a waiter.
- I'm new here sir.
- Okay.
Alright thank you very much.
- Thanks man.
- I know it's, I'm just gonna.
'cause my girlfriend's so pretty.
Okay.
- Suck it in, suck it in a little.
I need your belly to go down a bit.
Okay there we go.
Oh god.
- Bobby.
I knew that Bobby might need some help,
so I slipped him an ear piece.
Bobby, time for the toast.
- Time for the toast.
Hear, hear.
Calila, Roger, Both of you,
I am grateful to have you in my life.
Calila you are my native American love sister.
- I'm not Native American.
- You look like Pocahontas right now though.
And that's what- you know exactly what I'm saying.
- I don't.
- Let me start over.
Calila, I just want to say I'm sorry,
because I spend a lot of time thinking about myself.
You are my angel.
- Come here, give me your face.
- You are special to me.
And I am so happy to have you in my life.
- Thank you sweetie that means a lot.
- And I am grateful to Roger,
because just like me he recognizes
amazing women when he sees them.
Even though you're dating her mom and not her.
You know what I mean.
I love you.
Hear hear.
- Cheers.
- Everyone says hear hear.
- Hear hear.
- Everyone in the restaurant, hear hear.
- What I learned from watching Bobby
is you have to take your problems seriously.
You have to step into the situation
and you have to do it.
You have to do the work.
And did Bobby do the work today, no.
I don't think he did, but he at least showed up.
- Cheers
- And hopefully, you show up, you show up, you show up.
- I did it.
- And sometime you feel comfortable enough to man up.
And maybe next week we will have a different outcome.
But thank you guys for being here with me,
I'm Theo Vonn, and this has been Man Up.