-If you guys wouldn't mind, I'd just like to write out
my weekly thank-you notes right now.
Is that cool with you guys? Thank you.
I appreciate that.
James, can I get some thank-you- note-writing music, please?
[ Piano plays ]
-Wow. -Thank you, buddy.
-On fire!
Thank you, trick-or-treating,
for proving that if there's one thing
that will actually get me to go for a walk,
it's the possibility of free food.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, I'll do it.
[ Applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, White House staffers John Kelly and John Bolton,
for having a shouting match about immigration this week
and reminding us all exactly why
we're not going home for Thanksgiving this year.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, umpire gear, for making every umpire
look like he just stole a bunch of frozen pizzas
from a gas-station food mart.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What's up?
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, monogram towels, for letting your dinner guests
know that the towels in your bathroom are, in fact, yours.
[ Laughter and applause ]
These aren't my towels.
-These aren't mine.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, movie-theater popcorn,
for being served exactly two ways --
no butter at all or all the butter.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Piano plays ]
Thank you, flu shots,
for forcing me to choose which activity I like better,
getting the flu or being stabbed.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-[ Laughs ] [ Piano plays ]
-Are you just laughing at the silence?
-Yeah.
Flu shots, you know. -Yeah.
-Is this the last one or no? -What's that?
-Is that the last thank-you note?
-No, you can see there's more than --
There's probably three more.
-You're right. I wasn't paying attention.
-You thought it was the last one?
-I thought it was the last one, but now --
-Now you believe three there?
-Yeah, no. I see those three piles.
I'm a fool.
Go for it. Sorry.
-Apology accepted.
[ Light laughter ]
[ Piano plays ] -Glad you took it.
-What's that? [ Laughter ]
Tip of the hat. -Yeah, tip of the hat to you.
-Tip of the hat to you, yeah. -Governor.
[ Laughter ]
Who you going to thank? -What's that?
I'm just thinking about who I'm going to write these --
this thank-you note to.
-You make them up as you go, right?
-That's correct. -Yeah.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, ordering fries for the table,
or as that's also known,
pretending I'm not going to eat all the fries
so I'm ordering them "for the table."
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Yeah! Maybe three.
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, drawers at the bottom of the fridge,
or as vegetables call you, coffins.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Now, is this the last one?
[ Laughter ]
-What's that? -Is that the last one?
-Absolutely. What do you think?
Yeah, you saw it, right?
-Again, you're right. I'm not paying attention.
I can clearly see that's the last one.
-Oh, I'm wrong sometimes. I'm sorry. I apologize.
-No, I apologize to you.
Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-I can hear -- You're right in front of the --
The microphone's right in front of you, yeah.
-It's right here? -Yeah.
-Oh, I'm sorry.
Yeah. [ Laughter ]
I'm ready for this last one.
[ Laughter ]
-That mic is practical. Is that mic on?
-This one? -Yeah.
-Hello? No.
Sometimes it is.
-This one is.
[ Laughter ]
[ Piano plays ]
-Thank you, out-of-office messages,
for letting me know that you'll definitely
see my e-mail over your vacation
but there's no chance in hell you're replying.
There you guys have it. Those are my thank-you notes.