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-Hello, everybody, welcome to corrections for week --
for the week of June 14th,
and we´re just going to get started
because we have quite a -- we have quite a few.
A couple of weeks back,
I said that I bought a toy at Kmart,
a bunch of people said all of those stores are closed,
they´re not all closed.
However, I did mispronounce it.
It is not Kmart, it is Kmarts
with an S at the end.
The one that I keep putting on Kroger.
It´s Kmarts.
I said last week during corrections,
and again, it is a recurring problem
that I make errors in the body of correction
that I then have to loop back on.
I said the "gig" is up
when referring to a teacher
discovering that a group of students
were using their calculators to spell boobs.
I said the teacher would say the gig is up.
A lot of you
so quickly, I would imagine your keyboards
are melting with the speed you pounded in it
is the jig is up.
It is not the gig is up.
I am aware of the jig is up.
That is not what I was saying.
A gig is a job, I know you know that,
but time and time again, you tell me things you know I know.
What I was saying is that the teacher,
upon seeing this was done.
For real, she was like, why am I doing this?
I´m trying to teach these kids math
and they´re just using their calculators
to, you know, write dirty words?
I quit.
The gig...is up.
It´s not always the idiom.
Yesterday´s "Closer Look" I mentioned the Swiss president
sort of introduced Putin and...
Not Trump, oh, my God.
Well, I think it´s still Trump.
A couple of Swiss viewers said, hey, we don´t have a president.
What we have is a Swiss president --
Sorry, it´s the president of the Swiss Confederation.
There is a federal council of sorts
of seven Swiss leaders
with a rotating president.
It has to be consensus, though,
for the one representative president
to speak.
So it´s not one, it´s seven.
I think the best way to think about Swiss politics,
I guess, would be it´s not like
a knife with one blade, it´s like a knife with a fork
and a spoon and a blade and a little saw and tweezers.
We´ll keep in Europe.
I talked about a Finnish mountain gnome.
And was told that Finland is without mountains,
is a very flat country.
I should have said a Finnish forest gnome and I am sorry.
I, however, was told that my Finnish accent was fantastic.
A lot of people asked about it, I addressed it last week,
how we censor, even though it´s not on television,
curse words are censored in the body of this piece.
And I said that I did not know
and was not even aware that we beep the curse words
and people said it´s not beep, it´s bleep.
You don´t beep a curse word, you bleep it.
And I thought maybe as an experiment
we could just try it.
So for anyone who felt the need to tell me that,
go [bleep] yourself.
What did we hear?
Was it a beep? Was it a bleep?
7-Eleven makes slurpies.
I said slushies.
It´s a mistake I want to correct.
By the way,
if you go to 7-Eleven and say slushies, it´s going to be fine.
They´re not going to get the manager.
Applebee´s, I was a little critical of their slogan,
"eating good in the neighborhood."
And the fact that there aren´t Applebee´s
in little neighborhoods
in a bunch of suburban viewers said that they do,
in fact, they might be at malls, but they are nearby
and they consider that in their neighborhood.
So I am sorry
that you live there.
I´m kidding.
I grew up in the suburbs
I would have killed to have an Applebee´s.
Last, we get a closer look,
we said a cappuccino is a latte with extra foam
and a lot of coffee lovers
told us that was totally wrong and any time,
while we did make a mistake,
any time, if you can make a mistake
that gets you to engage with coffee lovers,
it´s a worthwhile mistake.
Just to talk with those who have coffee,
but this is -- I realized what happened, which is
Sal Gentile wrote that joke,
and Sal doesn´t know fancy coffee.
We shouldn´t have -- we should have fact checked
the minute Sal started talking about lattes and cappuccinos.
A key -- Sal makes his own coffee in a pan.
He just shakes some Sanka into a pan,
put some water, fries it over an open flame,
drains it through his meds cap.
I mean...
I mean, to put it in Dennis Miller speak.
The only Starbucks Sal would be excited to meet
are Dirk Benedict and Katee Sackhoff at Comic-Con.
He thinks a macchiato, is the new dance craze.
Buoy, I meant to say life preserver,
I said buoy.
If you Google image
lifebuoy, it is a life preserver,
but I was just trying to retrofit.
We got it wrong.
Oh, this is interesting, we´ve been talking a lot
about "Wedding Crashers 2."
And we were talking a lot, we wanted credit for it
because we were talking about "Wedding Crashers"
and then all of a sudden they announced
that there´s going to be "Wedding Crashers 2."
But someone said, hey, man, you called this a while back.
Now, in 2011,
I did the White House Correspondent´s Dinner,
a night that is often brought up
because people say that is the night
that Donald Trump decided to run for president.
And I´m often asked, do you regret having told those jokes?
And I don´t, but this also happened.
Let´s take a look at this.
President and Joe Biden were not invited to the royal wedding.
And when Biden found out,
he immediately said to the president,
you, me -- "Wedding Crashers 2."
So here´s hoping that for the next decade,
when I do interviews, people can say,
when you look back at that night,
do you regret the "Wedding Crashers 2" joke?
This one breaks my heart.
I called my costar in
"Journey to the Center of the Earth,"
Brendan Fraser, Brendan "Frazer."
And in my defense
the only thing I´ll say in my defense
is we were in insanely close cast.
Totally first name only.
I remember the first day I was like,
it´s such a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Fra --
and he was like, "It´s Brendan."
In these all the stories, I mean, again,
there´s been many books written about that film
and what happened on the set.
And I do invite you if you loved that story,
and want to hear more,
do please read my book about that time in my life.
"An actor´s journey to the center of myself."
We talked about how cock a doodle do
is what a rooster says, but in German,
I said it was "kiki leaky."
A lot of people say that´s technically right,
but you´re saying it´s wrong.
It´s...[ speaks indistinctly ]
Kiki riki!
I should have known that it was like
the rhythm would be the same, but it gave me an idea.
I´m very happy to tell you that I have pitched this to Pixar.
It is a children´s film about...
it´s a World War II film
where chickens, American chickens,
are smuggled into Germany
so they can spy
on the German army who has set up camp at a farm.
And it´s thrilling because the chickens,
11 hens and one rooster and by the way,
the way they smuggle them in is as fertilized eggs,
they haven´t even hatched yet.
It´s just one carton of egg.
It´s called the Dirty Dozen and...
These chickens, they managed to steal these German secrets
and then the whole film is this exciting escape
across back across enemy lines.
And all 11 hens make it and the rooster right at the end,
who´s disguised as a German rooster,
get stopped by border guards
and he has impeccable German
because, of course, he´s grew up there, he was hatched there.
I don´t need to tell you I´ve already pitched this to you.
And he gets away with it, he convinces them
that he´s a German rooster and you,
as the audience is relieved
that this night crossing has not been foiled until
sun comes up.
They can´t help themselves, he´s an American rooster.
He says, cock a doodle doo and the jig is up.
And insofar as his career as a spy,
the gig is up.
Both work.
And it´s a heartbreaking final scene
because you have these 11 hens
on the allied hilltop looking down.
As they lay the rooster´s head over an old feed sack
or whatever it is.
And right before they bring the ax down,
he winks at them.
And then right after they bring the ax down,
his headless body just like runs around for like five minutes
and that´s the part Pixar was like, it´s for kids?
Had a joke about "Metal Gear" the video game,
"Metal Gear," cheat codes, and someone was like,
"Metal Gear" didn´t have cheat codes,
they had Easter eggs.
And this one broke my heart because Alex Baze,
our head writer,
had written that joke and look, I´ve said it a bunch,
Alex Baze is America´s greatest living joke writer.
Nothing breaks my heart more than having to tell him
he´s made a mistake and he rarely makes them.
And he´s very confident
that the way he writes a joke is the best way
to write a joke.
Other writers say what they´ll do is they´ll write the jokes
and then print it out on a printer
and they hand it to me on paper.
Baze chisels his into rock.
To go to Baze´s office and tell him, you know,
you [bleep] up because this is top down, right?
Like we if we´re going to correct ourselves,
we have to correct all of us.
And so I went into his office and he´s, you know,
he´s working on the monologue, so he´s just like...
And I tell him, hey, "Metal Gear" doesn´t have,
you know, they don´t have cheat codes,
they have Easter eggs and he just goes...[ growls ]
Maybe I should take my skills elsewhere
and that -- like we need him,
like he´s the lifeblood of this place.
We could not get by without him.
And not just as a joke writer
because he´s been writing jokes for me.
"Weekend Update," every single "Weekend Update" I did.
He´s the head writer of that and he came here
and all these other gigs,
including the White House correspondents,
like, I can´t imagine what that would have been like
if I didn´t have Baze writing jokes.
And not just, again, as a joke writer,
but also a support as someone who is there for me and, uh,
I was trying to find that
"Wedding Crashers 2" thing today,
and I actually have never watched the White House
Correspondents Dinner and this really special thing,
I found this really special thing, which is,
I told -- because I wrote jokes that night, too,
I told one of my jokes and it --
it cut to Baze in the audience
and it wasn´t the best joke, but,
I don´t know, it was so touched by the support I got from Baze.
You know, let´s just take a look.
Comcast, of course, bought NBC this year,
I´m assuming by accident or when Goldman Sachs cut up the network
and bundled it in the lower tranche of a CDO.
Thanks, bro.
So anyways, I´m backing out of Baze´s office, right?
Because I´m terrified that the last thing
I want for him to leave and I say to him,
"You want me to the door open or close?"
And he goes, "Close it and turn the lights off."
It´s like, all right, just leave him there
in the dark and say, again, I´m backing up, I´m backing up.
And then, of course, who do I bump into?
Shoemaker is like,
oh, watch where you´re going.
And again, I´m like, I´m the one backing up and he´s facing me.
But again, I want to have that conversation
he goes, "What were you doing in Baze´s office?"
There was a correction saying he goes,
"Don´t you correct Baze! We need him."
Look, I know just sometimes I don´t need you
to be in my face all the time.
And he goes, "Oh, what are you going to do about it?"
And I go, "You know what? Maybe I´m going to fire you."
And he goes, "I got nowhere to go!"
Just immediate.
And again, I wanted --
I was like looking for some back and forth.
I had some aggression to get out.
But immediately he´s just like, "No!"
He´s like, "I don´t know how to do something else!"
And now, again, like, now I´m taking care of him,
which is the last thing I wanted to do.
And I´m like, "Oh, look,
I´m sure you could do other stuff, you know?"
And he´s like, "You think so?"
I´m like, "Yeah."
He goes, "Well, there´s one thing I´ve always --
there´s one thing I always wanted to do."
And was like, "Oh, you know, what is it?"
He goes, "Oh, it´s crazy."
And I go, "Look, I´m sorry I said what I said.
"But I as much as I can´t do the show without Baze
"I can´t do the show without you
"and anything you ever wanted to do,
"I´m sure you could do.
So why don´t you tell me what it is."
He goes, "You sure you´re not going to make fun of me?"
I go, "I´m not gonna make fun of you.
What is it that you´ve always wanted to do?"
And he looks at me and he goes, "Your mother."
And he knows her.
I´m a little worried about time tonight.
I don´t quite know where we are, but...
if this averages, you might have noticed
the title tonight it says short form
because if this average is between two
and 20 minutes, it is --
it is Emmy eligible in the category of short form.
Now this ain´t one of those things
where I´m here to be like for your consideration,
I ain´t that, chief.
I got an Emmy.
One.
Two would be nice for like then you put books between them.
But I always I do find,
like when people are like, for your consideration,
I find that a little grotesque.
So I´m not going to do that.
I´m only going to say that with each passing week,
I remain ambivalent about this.