We live in a world where sex is a hot topic of discussion.
It’s glorified in advertisements, TV shows, movies, and plays.
Sex drives a lot of people, but what if it doesn’t drive you?
What if it’s not the number one thing on your mind all the time, does that make you
weird?
No, if you’re someone who experiences sexual attraction only when you have a deep emotional
connection with someone, then you may identify as demisexual.
You might be asking, wait, is demisexuality a sexual orientation?
It is believed to be a subset and add on to an individual’s identity, rather than being
an individual sexual orientation.
Sexual orientation as people see it, is which gender you’re sexually attracted to or not.
Demisexuality is a way of experiencing sexual attraction.
It being about how you want to go about the relationship rather than who you would want
to be in a relationship with.
A demisexual can also identify as gay, straight, or bisexual and may not have a gender preference
when it comes to sexual attraction.
Many argue that demisexuality isn’t real or valid, that it’s a made-up label for
some to seek attention or feel like special snowflakes.
Labels may not be absolute or necessary, but the term demisexual is a descriptive word
for a certain pattern of attraction that gives demis more understanding of themselves, affirmation
and help them find the community with people who can relate.
In 2012, Olivia Davis a demisexual wrote, “Demisexuality is about desire and arousal,
not just sex and who you do it with.
It’s not merely that I’m only interested in having sex with people that I love, it’s
also that I feel a complete absence of desire or sexual feelings towards everyone else,
ever.
What makes me demisexual is that absence.”
This means when a demisexual experiences sexual attraction and desire, it is only towards
the specific partner.
Every demisexual’s experiences is different, the emotional bond demisexuals need for sexual
attraction, also varies for everyone.
It may include familiarity with a person and learning aspects of their personality.
Forming an emotional bond with someone does not guarantee that sexual attraction will
happen.
It is simply a prerequisite for it to occur at all.
Demisexuality is halfway between the asexual and sexual spectrum of human sexuality.
Demisexuals are often mistaken as choosing to be that way as opposed to it being their
innate orientation.
Demisexuality is not a pattern of behavior, but rather a distinct pattern of attraction.
Demisexuals are not choosing to abstain from sex, they are often said to experience no
primary attraction towards anyone, which means no attraction towards the immediate outer
appearance and qualities of a person.
People may find themselves to be sexually attracted to strangers, people they don’t
know well, or celebrities, but for demisexuals, they do not experience initial sexual attraction.
The difference between an asexual and a demisexual is that a demisexual experiences a secondary
attraction, which is mental and emotional, stemming from the establishment of a deeper
connection.
They may feel sexual attraction after getting to know someone on a deeper level and discovering
that others value them for their intelligence, wit, heart or any other attributes unrelated
to looks.
People who don’t really understand demisexuality may label those who show little interest in
sex as a prude or something similar like shy or someone afraid of intimacy.
Just because someone isn’t interested in sex with strangers does not make them abnormal
or a prude, but at the same time, others might mistake demisexuals as people who only have
sex with those they love.
Sexual attraction is not the same as sexual behavior, demisexuals can choose to have sex
with whomever they please whether they love them or not, it doesn’t make them more or
less demisexual.
Many non-demisexuals choose to have sex with people they love and that does not make them
demisexual.
Demisexuality refers to the underlying sexual attraction you feel, sexual feelings directed
towards a person that you share an emotional bond with.
Whether the demisexual decides to have sex with them or not, has nothing to do with the
definition of demisexuality.
A lot of demisexuals get uncomfortable with the idea of flirting and may think it to be
pointless.
Demisexuals can still choose to engage in premarital or casual sex and many do, though
it is trust, openness, and emotional connection that really gets demisexuals going.
Demisexuals may not like the thought of flirting at a bar, getting someone’s number and then
leaving with a stranger and being intimate with them.
A demisexual’s idea of a fun night might instead be to spend time with friends, talking,
dancing, and enjoying each others company.
Demisexuals may feel frustrated with peoples tendency to overestimate their interest in
them and feel annoyed that they cannot just talk to them normally, without having others
hit on them.
Many demisexuals may choose to avoid situations like big parties or club scenes for that reason.
They might feel more comfortable in dating close friends as casual dating doesn’t appeal
to them, and they may wonder how others have sex on the first date or have sex with someone
they just met.
Another common misconception of demisexuals might be that they don’t find anyone attractive
ever.
Demisexuals may not just see someone as physically hot and rate their attraction to someone based
off of their appearance.
This is an extension of point 1, the way demisexuals think about attractiveness seem to be different
from how others think about it.
Someone’s attractive nature is found within for them, physical appearance plays a very
small if not non-existent role in what draws them to someone.
When peers talk about crushes, celebrities, and sex, the demisexuals may find themselves
a bit disconnected.
Most people on the non-asexual side of the spectrum feel sexual attraction whether or
not they a close emotional bond with someone.
They may have sexual feelings for attractive classmates, co-workers, people on the street,
celebrities, friends of friends, however they may choose to wait to have sex for reasons
like it being against their religious beliefs or wanting to make sure the other person is
kind and respectful et cetera.
It’s different for demis, they won’t start out with these sexual feelings at all, they’d
have to know more about the other person to feel like there’s a deeper level of connection.
Everyone has their individualized experiences, making us different and unique.
Demisexuality is only one subset of an individual’s identity.
If a term helps others understand themselves better and does not harm to anyone else, it
is as valid as it needs to be.
If you’d rather just ditch labels and just be yourself all the more power to you.
Whether or not you identify as a demisexual, we ask you to keep an open mind.
Allow others to be themselves and bring their full selves with them everywhere they go.
We’re all human and whatever we feel or do not feel is valid.
Thank you for watching, let us know in the comments if you have heard of demisexuality
before.
Did you learn something new?
We have done a previous video on 10 types of sexualities, so feel free to check that
out too.
And don’t forget to hit the subscribe button along with the bell to get notified of new
videos.
Thank you for our support and until next time.
Hello, friends and neighbors, my name is Christian Verzosa and I did the animation and music
for this video.
I would like to thank you guys so much for watching.
It makes me so proud to see all your comments on YouTube and beyond.
We’re trying our absolute best to start conversations and bring awareness in certain
psychological topics.
If you’d like to see more of our videos, there’s one about signs that you, my friend
are a good catch that should be uploaded this week, or maybe it was already uploaded, either
way, it’s a super fun watch.
And as always, thank you so much for watching, bye.