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Today, we're talking about what narcissists
do when they have figured out that you have figured them out,
because there are things that we can expect to show up,
if and when we think we're dealing with a narcissist.
What motivates a narcissist's behavior
is the need to flee from the ugliness
within, from the shame within.
And the false self, this pseudo personality,
the lies that a narcissist tells,
this mask that the narcissist wears
allows them to stay away from this reality,
this shameful reality, at least on some level,
so that they can operate in the world,
because they have to flee from that.
And this masks help them do that.
So they're dealing with you, they're lying to you,
but it's all about control.
And it's about black-and-white thinking.
And it's about anger.
And it's about rage.
And it's about fear.
So it's really important that we understand
that these are the motivating emotions
behind a narcissist-- insecurities, self-doubt,
paranoia.
All of these things reside deep below the skin of a narcissist.
So when you begin to show signs that uh-oh,
I think they're lying to me, or, uh-oh, they're manipulating me,
there are things that a narcissist does.
So the first thing that you want to be careful of
is a narcissist that resorts to anger and resorts to rage.
It's important that you realize that a narcissist cannot
regulate their emotions.
They have an on and off switch.
And so, some narcissists, and those
that are domestically violent, are narcissists,
because you are unable to control your emotions,
you are blaming someone else for why
you feel the anger that you feel,
you are irrational in handling of the situation.
And sometimes when a narcissist knows
that your sensing their mask is slipping,
you'll see that their thoughts become very erratic
and their thoughts become irrational
and they start becoming hypersensitive
and hypercritical of you.
They start questioning what you're doing.
Why did you move the mustard there?
Where are you going?
Who are you talking to?
Oh, I know why you texted that person.
Who are you texting?
Oh, you're lying to me, right?
And all of a sudden, everything that they're afraid of they
start projecting onto you.
And that happens if the narcissist begins
to realize that the mask is slipping
and you're beginning to doubt who they say they are.
It can be terrifying, because somebody who's seen to be calm
is suddenly flipping furniture, or they're slamming things
across the counter, or they're slamming the cabinets,
or they're driving at 100 miles an hour,
or they're screaming at people on the Parkway.
This can happen like that.
Because once they get the idea that they're not
able to control you, they go down the rabbit hole.
And remember, they're not very good at integrating this idea
that they can be good and bad at the same time.
And so, they're not able to see you as good and bad
at the same time.
They see you as all good or all bad.
They see you as non threat or all threat.
And so they can go very quickly into motive persecuting you.
They over interpret everything that you do.
They over interpret everything that you say.
They don't trust you.
And they're living in absolute panic and fear
that you may see them for who they are,
but you've also somehow gotten very
close to their narcissistic injury
and they're behaving like a wolf that has just gotten their hand
or their paw stuck in a trap.
They're coming for you.
You will become the target of all of their pain,
and it's very frightening.
And that's why it's really important to be careful
when you're dealing with this type of a narcissist
because you don't want to upset them any further.
In some cases, you need to leave the state.
Leave the country.
I'm not kidding.
You may have to leave your job.
You may have to change your name.
You may have to take your kids out of school.
You will know if you have to do those things
by the way the narcissist begins to behave
when they begin to notice that you
know that they're a narcissist.
You might notice, once the narcissist knows
that their mask is slipping and you're onto them,
is that they will begin flirting with other people.
They're on social media.
They're looking for another narcissistic supply.
They need a narcissistic supply to survive.
And if they're getting the inkling that that's not
going to be you, they're on the move and they're on the move
quick.
So you can expect to see evidence of flirting.
You can expect to see evidence of them love bombing someone.
They may start even hitting up your friends.
They might start hitting up on your sister, or your brother,
or whoever.
So they're going to start looking
for another source of narcissistic supply,
and you may begin to see evidence
of this on social media, or your friends
are going to start telling you, wow, you know,
she's looking really, really good
and she came to the office party without you.
Or we saw him out at this bar and he was flirting it
up with some a waitress.
You're going to start seeing evidence
of them needing to secure another source
of narcissistic supply.
Social media is the perfect place for a narcissist,
because remember, that narcissism
is about the false self, and narcissism is about mirrors,
and narcissism is about needing to have people on the outside
reflect back to them the sense that they're awesome
and everything's fine.
A narcissist needs to look into the eyes of another person
and think that this person thinks that they're great.
Once that starts to slip and that
starts to dissolve for a narcissist,
social media becomes a great place
to find another source of supply.
So don't be surprised if you start
seeing evidence of somebody with high narcissistic traits
playing it up on Facebook or Instagram.
The third thing that you might experience once the mask starts
to slip is triangulation.
Suddenly, you are becoming isolated.
Suddenly the-- or not suddenly-- you're just probably--
it's probably more amped up where you're noticing that
your soon-to-be-ex is suddenly telling you that your friends
said this, that, and the other thing about you.
Or your narcissist is taking your words
and they're twisting it and they're
telling other people that you said something
that you never said.
So what they're trying to do is break bonds between you
and the people that you care about.
So let's say you have a really strong relationship
with someone.
Don't be surprised if the narcissist
tries to throw a monkey wrench into that relationship.
That's triangulation.
That's the way they are acting out their rage,
and that's the way they are responding to whatever
happened between the two of you that tickled
their narcissistic injury.
In some cases, a highly narcissistic person
will come off like they're doing you a favor.
Oh, I just want you to know, even though
that you and I are on the outs, I just
want you to know what Mary said about you.
And you know what?
I never told you because I loved you, but you know what?
Now I realize that you need to know that Mary is not really
your friend.
Mary may have never said anything bad about you.
Or you know what?
I'm going to go and I'm going to tell Carol that you said this,
that, the other thing cause Carol needs to know that you're
talking about her.
You never said anything negative about Carol,
but this person is going to try to act
like you did to separate you and create cracks in the bonds
that you have, the strong bonds you have with other people.
So this is what triangulation is all about.
And this is what a narcissist will
do once the narcissist realizes that you understand
that they're a narcissist and the relationship
is beginning to have a fallout.
Number four is the smear campaign.
So once you have had a falling out with a narcissist
who has love bombed you and who has made you-- has believed
that you see them as amazing and all of this, the whole facade
begins to fade away, the narcissist
has got to deal with all of their anxiety
and all of their anger.
And their black-and-white thinking
has put them into a very, very dark place.
And they don't know how to regulate those emotions.
They don't know how to look at themselves
like, well, what did I do to bring this on
or when was I overreactive or when was this person
overreactive, and--
They're not able to look at things realistically
and understand that bumps in the road
are a natural part of relationships or people
make mistakes.
They can't forgive.
They don't know how to forgive themselves.
They don't know how to forgive other people.
It's you hurt me, now I have to destroy you.
Even if it's I hurt you, and now you're pissed that I hurt you,
and now I'm going to destroy you.
Or I tried to take advantage of you, you called me out on it,
and I hurt you, and now I'm going to try to destroy you.
That's just what happens.
There is this desire to destroy other people who
they have become entangled with, who for whatever reason,
have tickled their narcissistic injury.
So a smear campaign is what?
A smear campaign is gossip.
A smear campaign is lies.
And a narcissist puts you in a position
where they know that you can't defend yourself
or that it's hard for you to defend yourself.
They want you to.
They want to pull you into this wrestling ring.
They want you to wrestle in the mud.
They're doing anything to bait you,
and you've got to do everything you can to not take the bait.
If you don't take the bait, then this energy
that the narcissist is putting out there,
it has to return to them.
We've got to stop opening up our mouth wide and taking
this energy in and putting ourselves
in the position where we're getting pulled into these smear
campaigns.
It's very hard to accept that other people have the right
to say what they want about you and that you can't control it.
And that other people, based on their mental state,
they're going to filter this experience through their lens,
through their narcissistic lens.
It's never going to be their fault.
They're never going to see themselves
as someone who's gossiping.
They're always going to rationalize and justify
why they're creating gossip around you,
why they're lying about you, why they're distorting facts,
and why they're trying to destroy your name.
It's always going to run through the backwards rationalization.
They're very immature.
They're stuck in some earlier stage of development.
It's very knee-jerk.
I'm in a relationship with you.
I feel hurt.
I have to hurt you.
That's the only way they get to feel
in control of their reality.
So it's important, if you're dealing with a smear campaign
right now, it can be very unsettling.
I've dealt with so many clients that
have had to deal with someone else's smear
campaign, the lies, the gossip, the Facebook posts, the Google
reviews--
you name it-- coming to people's work situations,
talking to the employers, trying to make this person
look like an evil person all to justify
their anger and their rage.
It's so difficult to just say, OK,
this is what I'm experiencing in my life.
It is possible to push a narcissist back.
And I guess, it depends on your life
and what you're going through in your life,
and just how far over the narcissist crossed the line,
but my basic advice to people who
are going through a smear campaign is just let
it die on the vine.
Don't pick it up.
Imagine that the smear campaign is like an electric rod
and you don't want to touch it.
Let the narcissist pull in whoever they want to pull in
and just let them have each other.
Try not to get too involved.
Save your pretty.
Save your wrinkles.
Save your energy.
Don't invest too much time on a smear campaign.
Just let it go.
Number five, really interesting--
amongst other things that a narcissist
will do once they have realized that you
have figured out who they are is they might discard you.
So now that you're not so willing to roll over and lay
on your back like a puppy or a kitten
and let them say and do whatever the hell they want to you
and say whatever they want about you,
you might not be that much fun for them.
Once that they look into your eyes
and the reflection is I don't trust you,
once that becomes too unsettling for them, they might ghost you.
They might pack up and leave.
I've read so many stories and I've
heard so many stories from people
who are involved with narcissists who just wake up
one day and they're just gone.
They don't return a text.
Their money is out of the bank account.
Their car is missing-- whatever.
They're just gone.
This does happen.
As hard as it is in the situation,
if you are that person, you're the lucky one.
I know it's hard to hear that.
But if you've been living with someone and dating someone
and they're just gone, and you think they're a narcissist,
I know how hard that is.
But when you think about what could happen
if a narcissistic sticks around to try
to make your life miserable, I kind of feel
like having them just take off is the best thing for you.
So narcissists discard people when we're no longer any more
fun for them, when we're exhausted
and we just can't play the game anymore,
and we're just not that fun.
A narcissist doesn't want to be around someone
is like you're a liar, you're lying, that's a lie,
I know you cheated, I talked to that person,
I followed you there, I have taped recordings,
I know you're lying.
Nothing you say comes true.
A narcissist doesn't want to hang out with that person.
A narcissist wants to get away from that situation as much as
possible, especially if they're not a violent narcissist.
They're just not happy in this space anymore.
They have used you up and they're done.
Another thing a narcissist will do if they've finally
figured out that you're sick of them
is that they begin to give you the silent treatment.
So they're starting to pick up on this idea
that you're changing and now they start stonewalling you.
They give you the silent treatment.
It's yes or no answers.
They can become very passive aggressive, very mysterious,
and you begin to feel very unsettled
around them because you don't know
what they're going to do next.
So these are some of the things that you
can expect to experience when you're
dealing with a narcissist and the narcissist knows that you
know that they're a narcissist.
If you're dealing with a domestically abusive
narcissist, you have to protect yourself.
You have to have an escape kit ready.
You have to have a safe person ready.
You have to have a shelter that you know that you can go to
at any point or anytime.
Make sure you have all that information ready, in case
you need it.
Make sure you have cash ready to go, clothes ready go.
If you have to talk to school counselors
so that they understand what's going on,
pediatrician's, your doctors, lawyers--
you need to have people in your corner
that you know, know what you're going through,
in case you need to move quickly,
they will know what's going on.
You may have to delete your Facebook.
You may have to delete Instagram.
You may have to change your cell phone number.
You may have to get a new phone.
You may have to move.
You have to be willing to do whatever
you need to do to protect yourself and your family.
The next thing you are going have to do
is you're really going to have to grieve this relationship.
That's what we're going through in our experience
here on the home front is that the person that I love that's
going through this, we're trying to teach them
to grieve this relationship.
When you realize that you've been
in love with a pathological liar,
you don't understand how this could have ever happened.
It's hard for you to wrap your mind around this idea
that everything was an illusion and everything was a lie.
You ask yourself, did this person ever love me?
What was this all about?
And when you come out of the fog, it's like, wait a minute,
I never had a narcissist--
I never had a relationship.
Everything was an illusion.
And it's so mind bending.
So it's really going to be important to move
into the grieving process so that you can finally
move into the healing stage of ending
the narcissistic-abusive relationship.
Once you know that you've labeled
this person a narcissist, then you
can actually heal from it a lot more quickly.
Because once you know what you're dealing with,
it's so much easier to label it and say OK, this
is what I'm dealing with, now let me get really, really smart
about what just happened to me so
that I can move into the healing stages of narcissistic abuse.
And there definitely are stages that you can move into
and you should move into and move into them quickly.
Grieving the relationship is going to take time.
Understanding what you're dealing with-- really, really
important.
Understanding how narcissists behave when the mask starts
to slip-- really, really important, because it helps
you realize you're not crazy, that they're actually
really predictable.
And unfortunately, they lack self-awareness,
they lack empathy for you.
They're black-and-white thinkers and they
go into this downward spiral of your all bad now
and now you've suddenly become the enemy.
And so it's really, really important
that you do what you can to honor yourself emotionally,
psychologically, physically, financially, spiritually.
Do what you can to disengage and dissociate
from this narcissist.
I really hope that this video on what
you can expect once the mask starts
to slip with the narcissist has helped you feel more in control
and helped you feel less crazy and has helped you feel more
aware of what might happen, because once you see
the patterns, you end up feeling like I have
some control over this now because I know what I'm dealing
with.
When you don't know what you're dealing with,
this is absolutely maddening.
So I hope this video has helped anybody
out there who is struggling with some of these issues
right here and right now.
My name is Lisa A. Romano.
I'm the Breakthrough Life coach and creator
of the 12-week Breakthrough Coaching program.
The 12-week Breakthrough Coaching program
is a program that I created for adult children of alcoholics,
adult children of narcissistic parents,
people with abandonment issues who grew up feeling invisible
and who feel stuck and who don't know how to move forward.
So there's a lack of self identity.
You probably struggle with co-dependency.
Your self-worth comes from people pleasing and acquiescing
and taking care of other people.
And you might be afraid to stop taking care of other people
because you don't know what's going to happen next
if you start saying no and you start setting boundaries.
The 12-week Breakthrough Coaching program
was created for someone just like you.
I hold two sessions a year.
I hold a winter session and I hold a summer session.
Work with me and my team online for 12 weeks.
You also have access to the program
for a minimum of three years.
I do suggest that people cycle through it three times
the first year, twice the second year, and once the third year.
If you want to jump into a program right now,
check out the loving the self video and meditation program.
If you want to jump into programs right now
and receive community support, including a live Q&A with me,
you can join the Breakthrough Warrior membership site.
Be careful out there, dear ones.
Namaste.
Until next time.
Bye for now.