Oh, yes! Yes. Now, right at the beginning of this series,
Jeremy Clarkson said, when we were at a race track in Portugal -
and he said it on the television -
that if his McLaren P1 wasn't faster
than Hammond's Porsche 918 or my Ferrari The Ferrari,
we could knock his house down.
Well, it wasn't,
so, one weekend when Jeremy was away, we...
Well, roll the tape.
JAMES: This is it,
200 years old and built from beautiful Cotswold stone.
Now, I want to make it absolutely clear
that this is Jeremy Clarkson's actual house.
Yeah, it really is. I'd swear to my children's lives on that.
It's Jeremy's house. He bought it when he fell in love with the view.
It is a lovely view, actually.
It is. It'll be even better soon, without a house in it.
RICHARD: Our plan was to smash the place down
with some big demolition equipment.
But there was a problem.
In this country, you can't knock a house down
if the council find evidence of bats living in it.
Well, they did, and now we've been told
we've got to take the roof off, quietly and by hand,
to give the bats the chance to go and live elsewhere.
James, I can't help but notice I am doing all of the work here.
JAMES: Yeah, you're gonna have to. I don't like it.
RICHARD: It's just a ladder! It's a simple enough thing to operate. Climb it!
Not if you're me, it's not. How many bats are there?
-One. -One?
-Yes, a bat. -Just kill it.
We'll go to prison, mate. We can't.
Just because that little winged-mouse bastard
is hanging upside down in there, feeling smug with himself
cos I'm up this ladder, we can't knock the house down?
We've got to do it, no choice, so get up here and get on with it.
Hammond, I hate... I hate heights. You know I do.
I hate ladders, I hate bats.
RICHARD: Many hours later,
and with no help at all from Spider-Man,
the roof was finally off and the bat was free to move.
But would it?
Why doesn't it go and live in there?
Because, let's be honest, that's perfect if you're a bat.
Yeah, well, it might, but it's got to decide to do so.
-Can we encourage it? -Yes, James.
Why don't you go and stand in that barn and squeak in a sultry and erotic manner?
(OWL HOOTING)
RICHARD: That night, Spider-Man stood in the barn,
squeaking in a sultry and erotic manner...
(JAMES SQUEAKING)
...and the bat eventually succumbed.
So, the next morning, we were ready to go.
This thing really works! This rocks!
Oh, my word!
At this rate, we'd be done and dusted in no time.
However, my finickity colleague had an issue.
-Hammond! -What?
-Stop! -What?
Stop!
You don't just smash it to pieces.
You're supposed to dismantle it and leave it in neat piles.
It's got to be tidied up. You can't leave it like that.
It's actually quicker if you do it methodically.
Oh, God. Only you would say that!
You want neat piles of bits that can be carted away.
You need to work on that bit and that bit to start with,
then the rest falls neatly into a heap.
How can you make even this boring?
It's not boring. It's the way... I've watched it done.
That's how you do it. You don't just smash it. I'll do it.
James then commandeered my machine...
so I got another one and carried on regardless.
And bang!
JAMES: Ah! I've got it!
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
JAMES: Oh, it's like winning one of those things at the fair.
RICHARD: Thanks to me, at least, progress was being made.
However...
-(CREAKING) -I'm stuck on something.
Oh! Oh, I've broken my digger. Oh, dear.
With me out of action and James achieving nothing,
a new approach was needed.
But first, we had to clear the site
of Jeremy's most treasured possessions.
Shakira.
Oh!
That is a... strong image.
It's a tiny doll with pins in it, and your face.
Look, this is his photo album. It's probably really precious.
-Oh, it's a bit disturbing. -What?
-They're all of me. -Yep.
JAMES: At this point, we decided not to clear the site of his treasured possessions
and moved swiftly to plan B.
Short ceremony, say a few words?
Nah.
(SIGHS)
RICHARD: That... JAMES: That got it.