- Woo, great hike today, buddy.
I was coming up that last hill,
and I turned around, and you were nowhere to be found.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thought I was gonna have to go back and get you.
- Well, at least we made it.
Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you.
I talk in my sleep.
- Oh.
- Yeah, quite a bit actually,
so if it bothers you, just wake me up.
- Okay, buddy.
- Cool.
- Goodnight.
Dickhead.
You stupid dickhead.
Jordan, let's go camping.
Come on.
Oh, Jordan, keep hiking.
We're almost there.
Buddy.
So much (beeping) energy.
Shove that CLIF bar up your ass,
you bald (beeping) sucker.
- Jordan, Jordan?
- (beeping) you, Keegan hyphen Michael Key.
- Jordan, wake up.
You're talking in your sleep.
- Not asleep yet.
(upbeat beatboxing music)
Oh, nature's gonna be so great once we get.
Shove nature up your ass,
you bald (beeping) sucker.
And by bald (beeping) sucker,
I mean you suck bald (beeping).
Still awake.
- Beth, Beth, Beth!
- Hey, what's wrong, man?
- I was having a nightmare.
- Aw, again?
What, you want to talk about it?
- I miss mommy.
- Hey, I know, I know.
Hey, me too, me too, pal.
Come here, man.
It's all right.
Hey, it's okay.
It's gonna be okay.
- I just don't want anything to ever happen to you.
- Happen to me?
Hey, come on, man.
Ain't nothing ever gonna happen to me.
- Really?
- Yeah, that's what I said.
So yes, nothing ever gonna happen to me.
You ain't never gonna have to worry
about nothing happening to me.
- But what if you got hit by a car or something?
- That's impossible because I will never die,
so I can't die no matter what.
- You can't die?
But I thought all human beings died.
- That's true, that's true.
That's science, so that's true.
But I am lucky 'cause I'm not a human.
- You are not?
- I never told you about this?
- No.
- You know, I'll just let it out.
I'm from a planet called Thelonious.
The thing is it was being destroyed.
- All right.
- That's what happened.
I was sent down here in a capsule to Earth by my parents.
- Oh, like Superman?
- Superman, yep.
That is what it is exactly like,
except, oh, here's the thing about my version.
Only one superpower, immortality.
- Oh. - Yeah.
So I'm tired.
Daddy's tired.
Let's go to sleep, okay?
- But I'm not gonna live forever, right,
'cause I'm only half alien.
Oh no. (sobbing)
So I'm gonna die.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
You?
You're right about yourself, but,
ha ha ha, here it is.
This one slipped my mind.
You can build with me an immortality machine
to give you what I got from the remnants of my spacecraft.
So, yeah.
- Wow.
- You're gonna be immortal,
you're gonna be immortal.
- Daddy, when are we gonna get the remnants?
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?!
- Gonna get 'em tomorrow during work.
Hey, you got anything
that looks like parts of a crashed spaceship?
- Dead mom?
- Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.
Right this way.
- The power of Christ compels you!
- (beeping) your mother.
- The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!
- Your mother's in hell.
- The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!
- I'll suck your (beeping).
Let me suck your (beeping).
- Could you please clear the room?
- Welcome to (indistinct) Mattress Liquidators.
How can I help you today?
- I need to buy a new bed.
- Okay, yeah, good, good.
You came to the right place.
I'd be more than happy to help you with that.
What size you need, a full, queen, king?
- Queen. - Queen.
Oh, okay, well, we've got a big selection.
- And just so you know, it needs to be sturdy.
- All right.
- Shit gets kind of crazy in my room.
- Oh, okay.
I got you, brother.
I got you.
Well, this is a Posturepedic mattress we got right here
that's extremely comfortable and durable.
- Do you mind if I try it?
- No, not at all.
Go ahead.
I should also mention
there's a 100% money back guarantee on--
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Yeah, yeah!
No, it's too hard.
Do you have anything softer?
- Of course.
This is one of our natural latex mattresses.
It's on sale too today at $1,200.
- Can I try it?
- Sure.
- Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Huh, huh, huh, huh!
Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Huh, huh!
It seems a little pricey.
- Okay.
No, it's a little pricey,
I ain't gonna lie to you, but no problem.
We got other choices.
This is a great memory foam mattress right here.
It's a little cheaper and--
- Can I try it out?
- Right, right, yeah, of course you want to try.
- You know how it goes.
- Yeah, oh yeah.
- Coming up on them late nights.
Aye, aye, boom, boom, boom, boom!
Si papi, si papi, si papi!
- Yeah. (laughing nervously)
Yeah, man.
Sex happens.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Oh, here it comes!
Here it comes!
Ah!
Yup, that's the one.
I'll take it.
- Okay, let me ring you up.
- [Male Speaker] Uh, uh, uh, uh!
Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Uh, who got that good D?
I got that good D!
Uh, uh, uh, uh!
Who got that good D?
I got that good D!
- Hello, Skymall Magazine.
This is Riaz speaking.
- Hello, Riaz.
I would like to report an item,
which I ordered that arrived broken.
- Wenders Sanders, Mockingbird Lane?
- That's right.
- I am showing the last item that you have received
is the Superman bed with the mattress of solitude.
- That's the one.
Ordered it for my son for his birthday,
but I cannot give it to him like this,
and I'm pretty darn tooting pissed about it.
- I'm really sorry, sir.
I will start processing your reorder right now
with you on the line, okay?
- I ain't mad at you, Riaz.
It's just the system.
I know.
- Okay.
Thank you for understanding, sir.
Kids, eh?
- Huh?
Oh, well, yeah.
I just got the one myself.
Had sex with a woman and everything to get him.
How long is this going to--
- What is your son's name?
- Oh, Stimpy.
Pretty much Stimpy.
- I have boys too.
I'll tell you,
sometimes, they can be a real couple of you know what's.
- (beeping), you're preaching to the choir, Riaz.
Stimpy, don't you give me that look!
You're gonna get it when your mama comes home.
- Oh my, sounds like your wife is--
- Bitch on wheels.
You got that straight, Riaz.
Hot little biscuit though.
Name's Claire.
Body 10, face 10,
so pretty much hit that every night sexually.
Anyway, what's holding up the--
- Oh, one more minute.
And how old is your son?
- 15.
- 15?
And he still wants a Superman bed?
Ah, a late bloomer.
Enjoy it while you still can.
He'll grow out of the toys any day now.
They all do.
And the second he starts hooking up with the girls,
he'll forget all about that Superman and Spider Man stuff.
- Pretty much seems like how it would happen.
Maybe then, he'll stop bothering me
with all those stupid little facts
about how those characters you just named
are clearly from two distinct and separate universes.
- Sadly, some people never move on.
- Sad?
I got a better word for you.
Pathetic.
- [Riaz] Well, I wouldn't say pathetic.
- Hey, I calls them likes I sees them, Riaz,
and I don'ts tolerate nerds.
In fact, lemme nip this in the bud real quick.
Stimpy, Stimpy, get back in here!
- Well, I didn't mean to--
- There you are with your round body
and your creepy ass face.
No more sweets for you 'cause you're never gonna get laid
if you keeps eating sweets.
And another thing,
all these figurines and toys you got around the house,
we're throwing 'em in the trash
'cause they're not real people, Stimpy!
They're not real people!
So, stop being so lonely!
Stop being so lonely!
- Well, and this is not of my business, of course,
but I was wondering if your son
would like to talk to someone.
- Oh (beeping), Stimpy just jumped out the window.
- Oh my god!
- Oh, he killed himself.
Why'd he do it?
It must have been my fault.
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
I'm gonna call the cops.
Don't you dare cancel that reorder.
It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by.
- Don?
- Yes, I'm here.
- Promise you'll never forget about me.
- Yes, of course.
- Promise me you'll take care of our little girl,
love her.
- Yes, with all my heart.
- Promise me you'll stay strong for her.
- Yes, yes, I promise.
- And promise me you'll never sleep with another woman.
- I hear you.
- Promise me you'll take care of Mr. Big Fluffy Tail.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
That cat will be the most loved cat in the world.
- And that you won't look at porn.
- Uh.
- Huh?
(man vocalizing)
- Is that yes?
- Checky, checky, checky, checky,
chickadee, chickadee, chickadee, check.
- No pornography.
- Buster Brown says, "What?"
- Is that a yes?
- You better believe I heard what you was saying, girl.
- You love me, right?
- Yes, I love you, yes.
- And we're soulmates, right?
- Yes.
- So you will never ever ever think of someone else
while masturbating, right?
- Message received.
- I don't understand.
Is that a yes?
(speaking in foreign language)
Is that a promise?
- Your request has been filed.
- Say you promise.
- Forget about it, huh, huh?
- I need to hear you say it. - It.
- No, say, I promise.
- You promise?
- You.
You promise.
Say it.
- Okay, I promise.
- No air quotes.
♪ Promises are things that lovers have ♪
Say it, say it!
- I promise, I promise.
- What are you promising?
- I promise what you said.
- Fine, forget it.
- Yes.
I mean, okay.
- Will you at least promise to go see my mom every day?
- So, zero pornography?
Done.
I like that.
Nurse, fix my wife!
(sobbing)
Don't touch me right now.
It's not all about you.
(upbeat beatboxing music)