WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, THE HEAD OF THIS NETWORK, LES MOONVES, WAS
FORCED TO STEP DOWN YESTERDAY.
THIS CAME AFTER A SECOND RONAN FARROW EXPOSE FEATURED MORE
WOMEN ACCUSING HIM OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AND ASSAULT.
IT'S NEVER A GOOD SIGN WHEN YOU'RE THE SUBJECT OF A
RONAN FARROW DOUBLE-DIP.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEW ARTICLE HAS SOME
DISTURBING ALLEGATIONS, LIKE THIS ONE, WHEN A TELEVISION
EXECUTIVE SAYS THAT SHE ENTERED MOONVES'S OFFICE TO DISCUSS A
WORK MATTER, AND HE SAID THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET A GLASS OF
WINE.
HE LEFT BRIEFLY, AND, WHEN HE RETURNED, SHE SAID HE WAS NOT
WEARING PANTS AND WAS AROUSED.
( LAUGHTER ) WOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S AN IMPRESSIVE WAY TO OPEN
A BOTTLE OF WINE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YEAH.
( LAUGHTER ) MMM, MMM --
>> Jon: WOW.
>> Stephen: IN TOTAL, MOONVES IS ACCUSED OF
HARASSING OR ASSAULTING 13 WOMEN, AND THAT'S NOT EVEN
COUNTING THE THOUSANDS OF INNOCENT AMERICANS WHO'VE WALKED
PAST THIS ACTUAL POSTER FOR "BULL."
HE'LL GET YOU OFF.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, THE ARTICLE IS EXTREMELY
DISTURBING, AND THAT'S IT.
LES MOONVES IS GONE.
FOR AT LEAST NINE MONTHS, UNTIL HE DOES A SET AT THE COMEDY
CELLAR.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'LL SEE.
MEANWHILE, EVERYONE'S STILL TRYING TO IDENTIFY THE ANONYMOUS
WRITER OF LAST WEEK'S OP-ED IN "THE NEW YORK TIMES."
ESPECIALLY THE PRESIDENT.
SOURCES SAY, "TRUMP IS STILL 'OBSESSED' WITH FINDING THE
PERSON," BUT "HE IS BEING COUNSELED BY WHITE HOUSE CHIEF
OF STAFF JOHN KELLY TO LET IT PASS.
( LAUGHTER ) OH, OH, IS HE?
REALLY?
( APPLAUSE ) YEAH, I BET HE IS.
(AS JOHN KELLY) "YEAH, MR. PRESIDENT, JUST LET
IT GO.
WHOEVER WROTE THAT PROBABLY DIDN'T SEE IT BEING THIS
BIG A DEAL.
ANYWAY, LET ME JUST PUT ON SOME FOX AND FRIENDS WHILE I SHRED
ALL EXAMPLES OF MY HANDWRITING."
( LAUGHTER ) JUST LET IT GO!
>> Jon: LET IT DIE.
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW WHY
EVERYONE IS STILL SPECULATING, THE MYSTERY
OF THE OP-ED WRITER'S IDENTITY HAS BEEN CRACKED BY WIKILEAKS,
WHO TWEETED, "BASED UPON OUR STATISTICAL ANALYSIS OF THE
LANGUAGE USED IN "THE NEW YORK TIMES" ANONYMOUS OP-ED, THE
AUTHOR IS LIKELY TO BE AN OLDER, CONSERVATIVE MALE."
( LAUGHTER ) REALLY?
REALLY?
YOU DON'T SAY!
AH-HA!
REALLY?
( APPLAUSE ) REALLY, WIKI-SLEUTHS?
AN OLDER, CONSERVATIVE MALE-- IN THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION?
( LAUGHTER ) ARE YOU SURE IT'S NOT A
SOCIALIST, BI-SEXUAL LATINA IN HER EARLY 20S?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: AIN'T NO BLACK PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: NATURALLY, MEMBERS OF THE
ADMINISTRATION HIT THE TV SHOWS, INCLUDING, TRUMP ADVISOR
KELLYANNE CONWAY, WHO HAD A MESSAGE FOR THE AUTHOR-- PLEASE
LEAVE -- >> GET OUT TODAY BECAUSE YOU
SHOULD BE NAMED, BLAMED, AND SHAMED.
>> STEPHEN: YES, NAMED, BLAMED, AND SHAMED.
HER RAGE CAN'T BE TAMED, SHE'S COMPLETELY INFLAMED.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT SHE ALSO LOOKS DRAINED, HER
FOREHEAD IS VEINED.
HER OUTRAGE SEEMS FEIGNED.
EITHER WAY, I'M ENTERTAINED.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT HER APPEARANCES WERE
OVERSHADOWED BY VICE PRESIDENT, AND MAN EAGERLY AWAITING THE
IDES OF MARCH, MIKE PENCE.
PEOPLE HAVE SPECULATED THAT PENCE IS THE MYSTERY AUTHOR, BUT
HE'S WILLING TO GO TO ANY LENGTH TO PROVE IT WASN'T HIM.
>> SHOULD ALL TOP OFFICIALS TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST, AND WOULD
YOU AGREE TO TAKE ONE?
>> I WOULD AGREE TO TAKE IT IN A HEARTBEAT.
>> STEPHEN: (AS PENCE) "I'LL TAKE THE TEST IN A
HEARTBEAT, WHICH I HAVE ONCE EVERY THREE MINUTES,
SOMETIMES EVERY TWO MINUTES, IF MOTHER IS WEARING LOW-CUT
SOCKS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I'M AN ANKLE MAN.
WELL, I ACTUALLY, HAD THE CHANCE TO SIT DOWN WITH THE VICE
PRESIDENT THIS WEEKEND, AND I ASKED HIM THE SAME THING.
VICE PRESIDENT, THANKS FOR JOINING ME TODAY.
>> THANK YOU, CHRIS.
>> Stephen: IT'S STEPHEN, BUT NOT IMPORTANT.
YOU LOOK STRESSED.
WHAT'S THE TOUGHEST PART OF YOUR JOB?
>> I SPEND ABOUT FOUR HOURS A DAY WITH THE PRESIDENT WHEN
WE'RE BOTH IN WASHINGTON, D.C.
EVERY DAY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S TOUGH.
YOU'VE SAID IN REFERENCE TO THE ANONYMOUS OP-ED IN THE "NEW YORK
TIMES," YOU WOULD AGREE TO TAKE A LIE DETECTOR TEST?
>> IN A HEART BEAT.
>> Stephen: GREAT, BECAUSE I HAVE ONE RIGHT HERE.
LET'S PLACE THESE SENSORS ON YOUR FINGERS.
READY?
DO YOU THINK THE RUSSIANS HELPED ELECT PRESIDENT TRUMP?
>> I THINK, LOOK, THIS IS A PRESIDENT THAT WAS ELECTED BY
SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND BEING CANDID
WITH THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NOW, ACCORDING TO
BOB WOODWARD'S BOOK, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS EXPERIENCING A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
SIR, IS THERE CHAOS INSIDE THE WHITE HOUSE?
>> IT'S ABSOLUTELY ABSURD.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THAT'S AN AN EXCLUSIVE.
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW, OF COURSE, WHEN I WAS TALKING TO THE VICE PRESIDENT,
THE BOOK I WAS REFERRING TO WAS BOB WOODWARD'S "FEAR" --
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S MY GUEST TONIGHT, AND WE'RE
GOING TO TALK ABOUT ALL THE TERRIFYING DETAILS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FOR INSTANCE, WOODWARD SAYS SOME
ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS HAVE TAKEN IT UPON THEMSELVES TO REIN
IN TRUMP'S WORST IMPULSES OR, AS FORMER ECONOMIC ADVISER
GARY COHN PUTS IT IN THE BOOK, "IT'S NOT WHAT WE DID FOR THE
COUNTRY, IT'S WHAT WE SAVED HIM FROM DOING."
GOOD POINT.
JUST THE WAY J.F.K. SO MEMORABLY PUT IT: "ASK NOT WHAT YOUR
COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU, ASK WHAT YOU CAN STOP ME FROM DOING TO
OUR COUNTRY."
( APPLAUSE ) STIRRING.
STIRRING WORDS.
IT MOVES ME, YOU KNOW.
IN FACT, GARY COHN AND GENERAL MATTIS ARE PORTRAYED IN THE BOOK
AS FULLY AWARE THAT TRUMP DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE
IMPORTANCE OF ALLIES OVERSEAS, THE VALUE OF DIPLOMACY OR THE
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THE MILITARY, THE ECONOMY, AND
INTELLIGENCE PARTNERSHIPS WITH FOREIGN GOVERNMENTS," SOMETHING
THEY REFERRED TO AS "THE BIG PROBLEM."
( LAUGHTER ) WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS ALSO
TRUMP'S SECRET SERVICE CODE NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) BIG PROBLEM.
WE'VE GOT A BIG PROBLEM.
WE'VE GOT A BIG PROBLEM INCOMING.
BIG PROBLEM.
( APPLAUSE ) WOODWARD WAS ON "CBS SUNDAY
MORNING" TO DISCUSS THE BOOK, AND HE HAD A PIECE OF ADVICE FOR
THE AMERICAN PEOPLE.
>> AND WHAT DID YOU CONCLUDE ABOUT THE BEAST?
>> THAT PEOPLE BETTER WAKE UP TO... WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> STEPHEN: SCARY.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, BOB, TO CONVEY THE FEAR YOU
MIGHT WANT TO TALK LOUDER AND FASTER.
THIS EXPLAINS THE FAILURE OF "THE BOB WOODWARD SMOKE
DETECTOR."
>> "ATTENTION... THERE... IS...
A FIRE.
(SIGH) PEOPLE... BETTER...
(WHISPERS) EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: OF COURSE, TRUMP FIRED BACK ON TWITTER: "THE
WOODWARD BOOK IS A JOKE-- JUST ANOTHER ASSAULT AGAINST ME, IN A
BARRAGE OF ASSAULTS, USING NOW DISPROVEN UNNAMED AND ANONYMOUS
SOURCES.
MANY HAVE ALREADY COME FORWARD TO SAY THE QUOTES BY THEM, LIKE
THE BOOK, ARE FICTION.
DEMS CAN'T STAND LOSING.
I'LL WRITE THE REAL BOOK!" ( LAUGHTER )
REALLY?
THAT'S A BOLD STATEMENT, CONSIDERING YOU DIDN'T EVEN
WRITE YOUR OWN FAKE BOOK!