WELCOME, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONE AND ALL, CHILDREN OF ALL
AGES, MR. AND MRS. AMERICA AND ALL THE SHIPS AT SEE.
WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
NO MATTER HOW MUCH THE REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT IT, THE
IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY IS NOT GOING AWAY.
IT IS HERE TO STAY.
IT HAS--
>> Jon: YES!
>> Stephen: IT HAS-- THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GETTING SERIOUS.
IT HAS UNPACKED ITS BAG AND PUT ITS TOOTHBRUSH IN THAT LITTLE
CUP ABOVE THE SINK.
THE G.O.P. IS LIKE, "WHERE IS THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING?"
STRAIGHT TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
( LAUGHTER )
BIG DAY, WHEN THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES VOTES TO SET UP
THE PROCEDURES FOR THE IMPEACHMENTS, HOW EVERYTHING
WILL BE DONE IN PUBLIC.
AND MY GUEST TOMORROW NIGHT WILL BE NANCY PELOSI.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TELLING YOU.
>> Jon: WOW!
>> Stephen: AND I'M BEING TOLD-- IS THIS TRUE?
A LITTLE BIRD JUST WHISPERED IN MY EAR A LITTLE WHILE AGO, THIS
IS EXCLUSIVE, THIS IS THE ONLY PLACE SHE'S COMING AFTER THE
VOTE TOMORROW.
SO GENERAL--
AND IT MAKES SENSE, JON.
IT JUST MAKES SENSE.
YOU KNOW, YOU MAKE HISTORY, THE NEXT STEP, OBVIOUSLY, SIT RIGHT
OVER THERE, TALK TO ME ABOUT WHATEVER-- HER NEW MOVIE OR
WHATEVER STREAMING SHOW SHE'S GOT ON CRACKLE, OR WHATEVER IT
IS.
THE INVESTIGATION KEEPS CHUGGING ALONG.
I'LL TELL YOU THE LATEST IN TONIGHT'S INSTALLMENT OF--
"DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH" >> THAT'S JUST THE WAY I TALK TO
THE PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: IT'S OUR JOB, CHRIS.
YESTERDAY, THE IMPEACHMENT INQUIRY HEARD TESTIMONY FROM ITS
FIRST WITNESS WHO WAS ACTUALLY ON TRUMP'S INFAMOUS UKRAINE
PHONE CALL, DIRECTOR OF EUROPEAN AFFAIRS AT THE NATIONAL
SECURITY COUNCIL AND BUNSEN HONEYDEW STUNT DOUBLE,
LIEUTENANT COLONEL ALEXANDER VINDMAN.
TOOK ME BY SURPRISE A LITTLE BIT.
VINDMAN'S TESTIMONY LASTED MORE THAN 10 HOURS.
THAT IS WAY TO GO FOR IT TO BE FOR A GOOD REASON.
YOU NEVER WANT YOUR SPOUSE SAY, "HONEY, I THINK WE SHOULD TALK
FOR 10 HOURS."
VINDMAN DROPPED A BOMBSHELL: THE OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE TRANSCRIPT
OF TRUMP'S UKRAINE CALL OMITTED CRUCIAL WORDS AND PHRASES.
THIS IS HUGE!
THE WHITE HOUSE INTENTIONALLY LEFT THINGS OUT.
IT'S LIKE THE INFAMOUS 18.5-MINUTE GAP ON NIXON'S
WATERGATE TAPES, IF NIXON LEFT IN ALL THE BAD STUFF.
( LAUGHTER )
THE TRANSCRIPT AND LEAVE IN, "I'D LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR,
THOUGH."
IT'S LIKE--
IT'S NOT-- HELLO!
ANYBODY HOME?
IT'S LIKE A MOBSTER WACKING A GUY AND GOING, "DON'T WORRY.
THE COPS GOT NOTHIN'.
WE GOT RID OF SOME OF HIS BODY.
( LAUGHTER )
PORTION OF TONY SLEEPS WITH THE FISHES."
( LAUGHTER )
DIRECTLY CONTRADICTS WHAT TRUMP HAS SAID ABOUT THE TRANSCRIPT:
>> I RELEASED A TRANSCRIPT OF MY CONVERSATION, AN EXACT
TRANSCRIPT.
THE TRANSCRIPT IS A PERFECT TRANSCRIPT.
WE HAVE A VERY, VERY WORD-FOR-WORD REPORT OF WHAT
I SAID.
THIS IS AN EXACT WORD-FOR-WORD TRANSCRIPT OF THE CONVERSATION.
I HAD A TRANSCRIPT DONE BY VERY, VERY TALENTED PEOPLE.
WORD FOR WORD.
COMMA FOR COMMA.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "IT WAS WORD FOR WORD, COMMA FOR
COMMA, QUID FOR QUO, MILITARY AID FOR DIRT ON BIDEN.
DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?
SOMEBODY WRITE THAT DOWN.
COMMA FOR COMMA."
( LAUGHTER )
OMITTED FROM THE OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPT:
AN EXPLICIT MENTION BY UKRAINE'S PRESIDENT OF BURISMA HOLDINGS,
THE ENERGY COMPANY WHOSE BOARD EMPLOYED BIDEN'S SON HUNTER,
AND TRUMP'S ASSERTION THAT THERE WERE RECORDINGS OF BIDEN
DISCUSSING UKRAINE CORRUPTION.
COME ON, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY TO UKRAINE TO GET
EMBARRASSING TAPE OF JOE BIDEN.
TURN ON A CAMERA.
( LAUGHTER )
ACCORDING TO VINDMAN, THESE OMITTED POINTS FIT INTO THE
TRANSCRIPT WHERE ELLIPSES INDICATED DROPPED WORDS.
WAIT.
THE ELLIPSES IS TRUMP'S FAVORITE PUNCTUATION, WHICH MAKES THIS
THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL.
( AS TRUMP )
( LAUGHTER )
DOT-DO THE."
VERY CLOSE.
I DON'T KNOW.
NOW, ONE OF THE LOWLIGHTS OF THE DAY WAS WHEN A SHOUTING MATCH
ERUPTED AFTER DEMOCRATS ACCUSED REPUBLICANS OF TRYING TO OUT THE
WHISTLEBLOWER.
OF COURSE, WITH THE AVERAGE AGE IN CONGRESS, THEY COULD HAVE
JUST BEEN SHOUTING BECAUSE THEY COULDN'T HEAR EACH OTHER.
"WHAT?
WHAT? !
TRUMP WANTED DIRT ON POSEIDON FROM MARK TWAIN?
SPEAK UP, YOU RAPSCALLION!" SPEAK UP!
>> Jon: RAPSCALLION!
>> Stephen: NORTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN MARK MEADOWS DENIED
THE CHARGE, EXPLAINING, "HOW CAN WE OUT SOMEONE WHEN WE DON'T
KNOW WHO HE IS?" ADDING, "TELL ME WHO HE IS!
PLEASE!
I'M DESPERATE HERE.
HAVE YOU SEEN HOW MUCH EVIDENCE THEY HAVE?
WE'RE SCREWED!" ACCORDING TO INSIDERS, AS MANY
AS FIVE POSSIBLE NAMES FOR THE WHISTLEBLOWER HAVE CIRCULATED IN
POLITICAL CIRCLES.
HMMM.
OKAY, OKAY, FIVE POSSIBLE NAMES.
IT HAS TO BE SOMEONE WITH DIRECT KNOWLEDGE OF THE PHONE CALL WHO
SAYS THINGS THAT ARE INCREDIBLY DAMAGING TO THE PRESIDENT.
COULD IT POSSIBLY BE THIS GUY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
NOW-- "I CAN BLOW A WHISTLE.
I CAN BLOW A WHISTLE."
REPUBLICANS HAVE BEEN DESPERATE TO COME UP WITH EXCUSES TO GET
TRUMP OUT OF THIS MESS.
LAST WEEK, WE GOT THE DESPERATE-EST OF ALL EXCUSE FROM
"THE WALL STREET JOURNAL" EDITORIAL BOARD.
IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE JOURNAL'S EDITORIAL BOARD,
IMAGINE A RETIREMENT HOME INSIDE A COUNTRY CLUB INSIDE A GATED
COMMUNITY IN THE AFTERLIFE, FULL OF GHOSTS WHO ARE SCARED OF
IMMIGRANTS.
NOW-- THAT THEY WILL UNIONIZE.
THE EDITORIAL BOARD RESPONDED TO MOUNTING EVIDENCE THAT TRUMP
WANTED A QUID-PRO-QUO ARRANGEMENT WITH UKRAINE.
CLEARLY!
BUT THEY ROLLED OUT A NOVEL ARGUMENT FOR WHY HE SHOULDN'T
BE IMPEACHED: "IT MAY TURN OUT THAT WHILE MR. TRUMP WANTED A
QUID-PRO-QUO POLICY ULTIMATUM TOWARD UKRAINE, HE WAS TOO INEPT
TO EXECUTE IT."
( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: THAT'S HIS TEAM!
THAT'S HIS PEOPLE.
>> Stephen: YEAH, THOSE WERE HIS PEOPLE.
THOSE WERE HIS PEOPLE, JON.
THESE GUYS ARE ON TRUMP'S SIDE.
( AS LAWYER )
HAVE COMMITTED THE MURDER.
HE WANTED TO, BUT HE'S JUST TOO DAMN DUMB.
LOOK AT HIM.
AND HE'S GOT HIS PENIS CAUGHT IN A THREE-HOLE-PUNCH AGAIN."
( LAUGHTER )
WIND OF THE "TOO DUMB TO CRIME" ARGUMENT, HE WASN'T PLEASED.
ACCORDING TO WHITE HOUSE INSIDERS, "THE PRESIDENT
MENTIONED HE HAD SEEN IT, AND THEN HE STARTED SAYING THINGS
LIKE, 'WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?
IF I WANTED TO DO QUID PRO QUO, I WOULD'VE DONE THE
DAMN QUID PRO QUO.'"
"YES, PEOPLE-- PEOPLE WOULD BE CALLING ME UP AND SAYING 'SIR,
WOW, THAT WAS A PERFECT QUID PRO QUO.'
I'VE NEVER SEEN A QUID QUITE SO QUO'D."