- My beautiful, talented, compassionate, blond ex-wife.
Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.
- I was married to Bruce Willis
for the first three "Die Hard" movies.
Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.
- She may not be the perfect wife.
But trust me, she's literally the worst (beep) ex-wife
on the planet.
- He actually proposed to me.
He gave me a huge rock, and then he smoked it.
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen, Demi Moore.
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
- Surprise!
Thank you.
Are you surprised?
Are you surprised, Bruce Willis?
- Yes. - Yes, I knew he would be.
I mean, even though I went over everything yesterday.
I knew he'd forget.
So, for those of you who don't know me,
I'm Demi Moore.
(audience cheering)
I was married to Bruce Willis
for the first three "Die Hard" movies.
Which makes sense, because the last two sucked.
After all these years, I have to say, you know what?
You look good.
I mean, you still look the same from the eyebrows up.
But, we had some great times together.
I mean, we shared a lot.
I had three beautiful, amazing children.
(audience cheering)
Four, if you count Bruce.
And then, there's the dogs in Ashton,
so that's like six, but you know.
I mean, and of course, you know,
like, we did argue over the kids' names.
And in the end, Bruce won.
That's how they got stuck with Willis.
But I have to say,
our daughters are incredibly well-adjusted,
considering two of them are half Bruce Willis.
But let me just say, he is a great father.
I mean, seriously.
I mean, every Christmas, right after he would have the girls
go make him his special coffee with medicine,
I mean, he would come down the chimney
in the wife-beater t-shirt, waving that gun,
saying, "Yippee-ki-yay, mother (beep)!"
And then, I mean, that's what he's always called them.
And they just love his tag lines, I mean.
But, what might not know, Bruce is super,
I mean, really generous.
I mean, when out daughter, Rumor, was a baby,
and it was his turn to change the diaper
in the middle of the night, he'd lean over and whisper.
And he'd say, "I'll give you $1,000 right now
if you change that diaper."
Of course, I wouldn't do it because, well,
the lawyer said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it.
We'll get it in the end."
And Scout, Scout asked me not to say anything,
but just last week,
he offered her $1,000 to change his diaper.
I mean, you know, some things never change.
They don't.
I mean, we were married, let's see, almost 12 years.
And that's like 84 in Bruce Willis years.
I mean, it's funny the things we do for a part.
Like, I know that I have dyed, and cut, and styled my hair,
I can't tell you how many, a million ways.
But, not Bruce.
I mean, that's his real hair.
And ladies, let me tell you, the carpets match the drapes.
(audience cheering)
I mean, I'm not saying he's bald down there.
I'm just saying, whichever place you look,
it looks like a dick.
You know, after our divorce,
he said that he considered the end
of our marriage his biggest failure.
But Bruce, don't be so hard on yourself.
You have had much bigger failures.
I mean, Planet Hollywood, "Hudson Hawks",
"Striking Distance", come on,
campaigning for Michael Dukakis?
I mean, turning down Clooney's role in "Ocean's Eleven"
to focus on playing the harmonica?
I mean, I could go on, but they said it's a two-hour show.
So, but you know what,
I look back over all the years that we've had together.
We've certainly had our ups and downs.
But I have to say, those were some of the best times
of my life.
I just look at our marriage like the "Sixth Sense".
You were dead the whole time.
All kidding aside, truly all kidding aside,
I'm really honored to be here.
You are someone I truly care about.
You will always have a special place in my heart.
I'm so grateful that you're in my life
and our children's lives.
And no matter what, you will always be family.
You've been a great friend, a great father,
and easily one of my top-three husbands.
(audience cheering)
Thank you, good night.
- Here he is, Tommy Lee.
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
- Can I get a big "hell yeah" for Pamela?
(audience cheering)
Hi, baby.
Now, for the real reason I came here tonight,
to honor my beautiful, talented, compassionate,
blond ex-wife.
Unfortunately, Heather Locklear couldn't be here tonight.
So, let's make fun of Pamela instead, okay?
Okay, this is actually a special time
for Pam to be here because she just turned 38
and her tits just turned 14.
Pam, I'll always remember the very first time that we met.
It was at a club in Los Angeles
and you spotted me from across the room.
You walked up to me and you said those magical five words,
"I will (beep) any drummer."
Pam and I shared one of history's greatest romances.
It's like that book,
who am I kidding?
I've never read a book.
I can barely read my (beep) tattoos.
Okay, well you can't imagine what it's like coming home
to Pam every night.
I mean, unless you own an inflatable doll that nags
and pays for your piercings.
I'm kidding, baby.
I'm so kidding.
Pam is the sweetest person alive.
I mean, look how much she loves animals.
The closest thing I've ever seen her come
to animal cruelty was the time she shaved her pussy.
She's always doing cool stuff to spice up our love life,
like the trapeze she installed in our bedroom.
To this day, I cannot go to a circus
without getting a boner.
Honestly, I can't go anywhere without getting a boner.
Like I said, Pam, we've had our ups and downs,
mostly in bed, but I'll make you a deal tonight, okay?
I'll forgive you for Kid Rock
if you forgive me for the stripper in Detroit,
the twins in Grand Rapids,
the blond from the House of Blues,
the brunette from the House of Blues,
and the redhead I'm meeting later tonight.
And of course, Bea Arthur.
(audience cheering)
Okay Pam, before I leave, I just wanted to say,
you've always been there for me
and your spirit and kindness is an inspiration to me.
Like I said 500,000 times and on that damn sex tape,
I (beep) love you, baby.
(audience cheering)
- Ladies and gentlemen, Brigitte Nielson.
Make some noise for her.
(upbeat music) (audience cheering)
- Hi, everybody.
How are you?
I'm here to set the record straight
between I, myself, and Flav.
I mean, like, people ask me all the time,
did you actually find Flav attractive?
I wouldn't know, I've only seen the top of his head.
But you know, thank you.
When we were dating, you know,
I started calling him Foofie Foofie.
He was calling me Vita.
And my parents stopped calling me completely.
Yeah, not a good scene, not a good scene.
Well actually I should say, Flav has done something
for me that Sylvester Stallone never did.
He stole my car, yeah, yeah.
You may have heard that thing that black guys got these,
like, big penises.
Uh-huh, don't believe that hype.
All right, okay.
Because I'll tell you something.
You better listen up here, okay?
Because Flav's penis, all right, is tiny.
It's black.
It's cute.
It's like Katt Williams, but even funnier, you know?
Something like that, yeah.
Do you know how disturbing it is
to have a man yell yeah boy during sex?
Oh, I kept telling him, Foofie Foofie,
you're not in jail anymore.
Right, honey?
Flavor, he's a romantic guy, too.
So, he actually proposed to me,
and he gave me a huge rock.
And then he smoked it.
Yeah, not good, not good.
And of course you all know, I broke Foofie's heart
when I rejected him.
But, he just doesn't know what a lucky man he is
because this is not only about love, I gave him fame.
And I got him a show, yeah.
But, I'm a nice, big momma.
I got all his little prostitutes a show, too, yeah.
You're welcome, ladies, you're welcome.
Thank you.
Anyway, so Flav, Foofie Foofie, William Drake, Mr. F,
you are my soulmate.
You remember
when we said that we were always gonna be soulmates?
I hope it's gonna be like that forever.
I don't care what you guys (beep) think, okay?
I love you and I love you, too.
Thank you so very much.
- Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Arnold.
(audience cheering)
- Oh shit,
she's right beside me, isn't she?
Oh shit.
You know, hi.
We have not been in the same room for over 18 years.
And, you know, yeah. - Yay!
- I'm not here to tear Roseanne a new one
because quite frankly, I've seen the old one
and it is spectacular.
Could use a little paint, maybe a couple plants
in the corners, a wicker loveseat.
But trust me, that baby is move-in ready.
Trust me.
Why am I here?
Well, I'm here to honor Roseanne
and I'm here because I (beep) earned it, man, the hard way.
Have any of you guys ever wrestled her?
Huh?
I have.
Has she sent any of you guys over to Paramount
to beat up Arsenio Hall for making fat jokes?
I did, right?
How many of you have been arrested at LAX
for defending her singing?
This guy right here.
Have you ever had her pull a knife on you
for spitting on her diet cookies?
Yes, yes.
That's right. - Nah, nah.
- Have you ever been sucker punched in the face
by her purse in front of Bob Hope
at his freaking 90th birthday party?
Yes. - Nah.
- Yes, you did.
Yes, it's true.
At one time, we were obviously very, very close.
When I was with Roseanne, and she's talked about this a lot,
she had 27 personalities and only two of them liked me.
And one of those was a small German boy, and,
Rosie and I were once inseparable.
We lived together.
We worked together.
We even got tattoos together.
You remember.
I got Rosie's face tattooed on my chest.
And believe me, it is hard to get a woman
to have sex with you when Roseanne is (beep) staring at her.
It's the truth.
It's even harder to masturbate.
You know Rosie, this is true,
she actually had "Property of Tom Arnold" tattooed
on her hip, which made me the fourth largest property owner
in California.
Now that I'm allegedly sober
and we're both in stable relationships,
I want you to know, Rosie, there's no reason
to be jealous of my wife, Ashley.
She's tall, and thin,
and wasn't even born when we were married.
Plus, I've learned from your biggest mistake.
I made her sign a prenup.
That was so good.
(audience cheering)
Whoa.
I just wanted to say something about your boyfriend, Johnny.
Johnny, I want to say this to you, man.
No matter what, you got to stay with this woman.
She may not be the perfect wife, but trust me,
she's literally the worst fucking ex-wife on the planet.
Literally!
You do not want to be a guy lying on his couch
with a date and hear how small your dick is
on "Saturday Night Live",
and then, "The View", and then "CNN", and "Al Jazeera".
She holds a grudge, people!
You know recently, Roseanne got in trouble
for accidentally wishing cancer on Chick-Fil-A customers.
But, accidentally. (audience cheering)
But you guys can all relax.
If she had the power to wish cancer on anyone,
I would've been (beep) dead in 94.
You know, I met Roseanne 30 years ago.
You know, remember that? - Is that right?
- Yeah, about 30 years ago.
And the first time I saw you perform,
I knew you were one of the great ones.
And when I got off stage, you said to me,
you sure are a funny son of a bitch.
And I said, thanks, you want to do some blow?
And we stole the MC's car and we disappeared for three days.
You remember that?
And so began our very own white trash Camelot,
for one brief shining moment.