WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THANK YOU!
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE, WHO, LAST NIGHT,
BEAT THE GEORGIA BULLDOGS TO WIN THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL
CHAMPIONSHIP.
IT'S THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO ALABAMA SINCE NOT ELECTING
ROY MOORE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOOD FOR YOU!
THAT'S TWO IN A ROW!
( LAUGHTER ) BUT THE BIG STORY WASN'T THE
GAME ITSELF, IT WAS ONE SPECIAL TICKET-HOLDER: DONALD TRUMP.
HE WAS ON EVERYONE'S MIND BEFORE THE GAME, INCLUDING THE PLAYERS:
>> ( BLEEP ) TRUMP!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: I KNOW THAT SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE, BUT, IN THAT
PLAYER'S DEFENSE, HE WAS JUST QUOTING REX TILLERSON.
( LAUGHTER ) SPEAKING OF OUR PRESIDENT,
TODAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD A
BIPARTISAN MEETING ON IMMIGRATION REFORM, FOCUSED
MAINLY ON REFORMING OUR POLICY OF HAVING IMMIGRANTS.
THE STAKES ARE HIGH.
IF THE TWO SIDES CAN'T FIND A COMPROMISE, THE FEDERAL
GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO SHUT DOWN ON JANUARY 20 --
OR AS HISTORIANS CALL IT, "ONE YEAR TOO LATE."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS MEETING WAS TODAY.
DOESN'T MEAN THIS AFTERNOON, RIGHT?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THEY HAD THE MEETING THIS
AFTERNOON AND THEY DID IT IN KIND OF AN EXCEPTIONAL WAY.
HADN'T SEEN THIS BEFORE.
THEY HELD AN OPEN MEETING AND LET CAMERAS IN FOR THE
NEGOTIATIONS.
THEY DON'T LET CAMERAS INTO THE BACHELOR FANTASY SUITE WHEN
THEY'RE ENGAGING IN "BIPARTISAN NEGOTIATIONS."
I MEAN SEX.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP SEEMED CONFIDENT THAT A
BIPARTISAN IMMIGRATION SOLUTION WAS POSSIBLE.
>> HAVING THE DEMOCRATS IN WITH US IS ABSOLUTELY VITAL.
IT SHOULD BE A BIPARTISAN BILL.
A BILL OF LOVE.
>> STEPHEN: AND YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE,
KICK THEM OUT OF THE COUNTRY.
( LAUGHTER ) IF THEY COME BACK TO YOU, BUILD
A WALL SO THEY CAN'T GET IN.
BUT HERE'S THE THING -- LAST WEEK, TRUMP GAVE HIS PRICE
FOR AN IMMIGRATION DEAL.
HE WANTS TO END THE GREEN CARD LOTTERY, FAMILY IMMIGRATION, AND
HE'S DEMANDING $18 BILLION FOR THE INITIAL PHASE OF HIS MEXICAN
BORDER WALL.
WAIT, NO, YOU SAID MEXICO WOULD PAY FOR THE WALL.
IT WAS YOUR THING.
YOU CHANTED IT.
NOW YOU'VE FORGOTTEN IT?
THAT'S LIKE BON JOVI FORGETTING THE LYRICS TO "YOU GIVE LOVE A
BAD NAME."
BY THE WAY, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) THESE PEOPLE DON'T.
THESE PEOPLE KNOW HOW TO LOVE.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, THIS WEEKEND, TRUMP
CLARIFIED.
>> YEAH, I BELIEVE THAT MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE WALL.
I HAVE A VERY GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH MEXICO.
AS YOU KNOW, WE'RE NEGOTIATING NAFTA, WE'LL SEE HOW THAT GOES.
YES.
BUT MEXICO WILL PAY-- IN SOME FORM, MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE
WALL.
>> STEPHEN: "YES, MEXICO WILL PAY FOR THE WALL, IN SOME FORM.
I'M THINKING FREE GUAC ON YOUR BIRTHDAY."
( LAUGHTER ) OKAY?
THAT'S GOT TO ADD UP.
IT'S LIKE 50 CENTS FOR EXTRA GUAC.
IT ADDS UP.
AND IN THIS MEETING, TRUMP DELIVERED A STRONG MESSAGE OF
LEADERSHIP: "SOMEBODY ELSE FIX IT. "
>> YOU FOLKS ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COME UP WITH A SOLUTION, AND,
IF YOU DO, I WILL SIGN THAT SOLUTION.
MY POSITIONS ARE GOING TO BE WHAT THE PEOPLE IN THIS ROOM
COME UP WITH.
>> STEPHEN: "I'VE ALWAYS FIRMLY BELIEVED WHATEVER THE PEOPLE I'M
IN THE SAME ROOM WITH TELL ME TO BELIEVE.
MY BRAIN IS MADE OF TOFU.
IT ABSORBS THE FLAVOR OF WHATEVER YOU THROW AT IT."
OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) SSOY, SI GINGER, DASH OF RACISM,
WE'RE GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HERE'S THE THING -- BOTH DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS
AGREE THAT A PATH TO CITIZENSHIP SHOULD BE CREATED FOR DREAMERS.
THE PROBLEM IS REPUBLICANS DON'T WANT TO PASS DACA WITHOUT THE
WALL, AND DEMOCRATS DO.
AND, FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, THE PRESIDENT BRIEFLY AGREED WITH
THE DEMOCRATS.
>> WHAT ABOUT A CLEAN DACA BILL NOW WITH A COMMITMENT THAT WE GO
INTO A COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION REFORM?
>> I HAVE NO PROBLEM-- I THINK THAT'S BASICALLY WHAT DICK IS
SAYING.
WE WILL COME UP WITH DACA.
WE WILL DO DACA AND START ON THE PHASE TWO, WHICH WOULD BE
COMPREHENSIVE.
I THINK A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT.
BUT I THINK WE HAVE TO DO DACA FIRST.
>> MR. PRESIDENT, YOU NEED TO BE CLEAR.
WHAT SENATOR FEINSTEIN IS TALKING ABOUT, WE DON'T WANT TO
BE BACK HERE TWO YEARS LATER.
YOU HAVE TO HAVE SECURITY, AS THE SECRETARY WOULD TELL YOU.
>> THAT'S WHAT SHE IS SAYING.
>> NO, I THINK SHE IS SAYING SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
>> STEPHEN: "I AGREE WITH DIANNE FEINSTEIN BECAUSE I HEARD HER
SPEAKING LAST.
WHAT'S THAT?
KEVIN'S TALKING NOW?
OKAY, I AGREE WITH KEVIN.
ALTHOUGH, TECHNICALLY, I WANT TO POINT OUT I'M NOW THE LAST
PERSON WHO SPOKE, SO I AGREE WITH MYSELF.
GOOD MEETING.
CHEESEBURGER TIME, BYE BYE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
AND WHILE REPUBLICANS WON'T APPROVE DACA UNLESS IT COMES
WITH FUNDING FOR THE BORDER WALL, TRUMP DEMONSTRATED HIS
MASTER NEGOTIATOR SKILLS BY SAYING, WHAT IF IT WAS LESS
WALL?
>> THAT DOESN'T MEAN 2,000 MILES OF WALL BECAUSE YOU JUST DON'T
NEED THAT BECAUSE OF NATURE.
BECAUSE OF MOUNTAINS AND RIVERS AND LOTS OF OTHER THINGS.
THERE ARE LARGE AREAS WHERE YOU DON'T NEED A WALL BECAUSE YOU
HAVE A MOUNTAIN AND YOU HAVE A RIVER.
YOU HAVE A VIOLENT RIVER, AND YOU DON'T NEED IT.
>> STEPHEN: WE ALL REMEMBER THE CHANT FROM TRUMP CAMPAIGN
RALLIES.
"BUILD THE WALL!
UNLESS THE LOCAL TERRAIN PROVIDES SUFFICIENT ENOUGH
PROTECTION AND CAN ACT AS A NATURAL WALL PROXY!
MAGA!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
REALLY LONG, REALLY LONG ACRONYM BUT REALLY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP MADE IT CLEAR THAT HE
HAS CONGRESS' BACK, EVEN IF AN IMMIGRATION COMPROMISE IS
UNPOPULAR.
>> IF WE DO THIS PROPERLY, DACA, YOU'RE NOT SO FAR AWAY FROM
COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION REFORM.
AND IF YOU WANT TO TAKE IT THAT FURTHER STEP, I WILL TAKE THE
HEAT.
I DON'T CARE.
I WILL TAKE ALL THE HEAT YOU WANT TO GIVE ME.
AND I WILL TAKE THE HEAT BOTH OFF THE DEMOCRATS AND THE
REPUBLICANS.
MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN HEAT.
I LIKE HEAT, IN A CERTAIN WAY.
>> STEPHEN: THEN I'VE GOT GREAT NEWS, SIR.
YOU'RE IN HOT WATER WITH ROBERT MUELLER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THAT'S WHY YOU LOOK PAR-BOILED.
HE'S THE FROG.
( LAUGHTER )