Guys, I have to believe
that stupidity and absurdity and ridiculousness
can make the world a better place, I have to believe that,
because I have been using those exact same things
to make the world a worse place for so long.
My very first gig in show biz
was on a prank show for Country Music Television
called "Prankville," which is a great name for a TV show.
I guess "Practical Joke Town" was already taken.
And the reason I know I'm going to hell is,
I had to set these women up on a blind date with myself
and when they would enter the restaurant,
there'd be hidden cameras everywhere,
I would have an earpiece in my ear that no one could see
that the producer would talk to me through,
and then two minutes into the date,
I would say to the woman, I want you to meet my best friend.
And I would reach under the table,
pull out a ventriloquist dummy that looked exactly like me
and was wearing the same clothes I was wearing.
And only talk to her through the dummy for the rest of the date.
To add to the creepiness factor, I'm not a ventriloquist.
So just like, ooh, you look pretty sexy tonight!
The second woman we do it to,
she comes in and immediately, when I see her,
I'm like, she seems cool, I don't want to do this.
And she sits down and we immediately hit it off.
Like, it's-- I'm like, oh, wow, I really do like her.
And then two minutes into the date, in my ear,
the producer is like, all right, pull out the dummy.
And I say to her, "I want you to meet my best friend."
And I reach under the table
and I pull out the ventriloquist dummy
and her eyes just get really big
and she just goes...
No.
Turns out she was deathly afraid of ventriloquist dummies.
Makes sense, they're super disturbing.
And in my ear, the producer was like, ohh, yeah...
And so I'm saying all this lascivious shit to her,
like, ooh, why don't we lose the big guy and go back to my place?
My whole job is to make her talk to the dummy,
so I'm never supposed to look at her,
I'm only supposed to look at the doll
and make her talk to the doll.
She immediately starts to appeal to my humanity by going, um...
I, uh... I can't--
I can't look at the doll.
Would you please look at me?
Please? Would you look at me?
And in my ear, the producer's like, do not look at her.
And I just keep doing what I'm told,
like a good little soldier.
And she gets so scared, she gets up and pushes away
from the table and starts to leave and the producer's like,
you gotta get her to sign a release, go after her.
It was a very cool show.
And so I start walking after her.
She turns, sees me coming, and then she starts running.
And now I'm chasing her.
She runs out the restaurant and starts to run down the street,
and the whole time I'm yelling, like, "You're on a prank show!
Your friend set you up, please stop, please stop!"
I finally get her to stop, like, half a block away,
and she just goes, I don't trust you!
And I'm like, that-- that makes sense!
But your friend set you up, I'll get her out here,
just wait there.
I'm like, guys, she's very scared.
Please send her friend out.
Yeah, just send her friend out, guys.
Guys, send her friend out.
But I've run, like, a half block away,
so I'm out of range for my mic, so nobody hears me inside.
So, from her perspective,
I'm a man that brings a ventriloquist dummy
out on a date, then chases a woman down the street,
then just talks to the air, going,
send her friend out, guys. Just send her friend out, guys.
Like a car's gonna pull up, the trunk's gonna open,
her friend's just gonna be dead in the back of it.
And I'm like, wait here, I run inside, I get her friend,
I get the producer, she sees her friend, is still scared.
She's brought inside, shown all the cameras, still scared,
she has to sit and watch me do it to another woman
so she knows it's all scripted.
Now... here's where it gets weird.
(laughter)
Five years later,
I'm at a house party in Brooklyn,
just like, walking around, trying doors,
like, where's everybody smoking weed?
And...
I find that room and she's in that room,
and I open the door and she sees me and just goes, aah!
It's him!
Five years later.
Just, it's him!
And her friend knows who she's talking about.
Imagine that.
You just smoked some sweet Mary Jane,
and then your personal nightmare
opens the door and strolls on in.
I apologize profusely, I'm like, I'm so sorry,
I shouldn't have taken that job, I didn't know any better.
I mean, I did, and they were paying me.
And we actually end up hanging out that night,
we end up getting along, just as I suspected.
Then, we ended up going out on a real date
and it was fucking horrible!
Because she thought I was gonna prank her the whole time,
and I'm like, I'm not gonna prank you.
But I mean, now it does seem like a missed opportunity
to wait five years and then just be like, I'm baaack!
(laughter and applause)