So, boy, the NFL season is kicking off this weekend.
>> [APPLAUSE] >> [APPLAUSE] I know.
>> [APPLAUSE] >> I'm excited.
>> [APPLAUSE] >> So
I should tell you what team I'm supporting.
I'm Team Taylor.
>> [LAUGH] >> Elizabeth Taylor, that's what I mean.
What a legend she was.
I don't like choosing sides.
I'm Team Everybody.
That's who I am.
I'm Team Everybody.
I do want to talk about Taylor Swift because she's amazing.
And she's got the number one song right now.
She's one of the best selling artists of the last decade and
it's really fun to scare her.
>> [LAUGH] >> Aah.
>> Aah.
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE] >> Yeah.
I must have scared some sense into her, because listen to what she's doing.
Taylor filed trademarks on a bunch of titles and
catchphrases from her new album.
One of the lines she's trademarking is "The old Taylor can't come to the phone
right now.", she's trademarking that.
So she can use it on all merchandise, but until she trademarks it and
until it goes through, she can't stop me from selling these.
So now, I'm selling the old Taylor can't come to the phone right now sweatshirts.
>> [LAUGH]
>> [APPLAUSE] >> Right.
They're available at my The Old Taylor Can't Come to the Phone Right Now Shop.
>> [LAUGH] >> So it got me thinking,
I should trademark my own catchy phrases.
And I should start with catchy phrases right there.
>> [LAUGH] >> Cuz that's not trademarked yet.
And there's bunch of other phrases too.
Like I say, be kind to one another at the end of every show.
I should trademark that because it really sums up who I am and what I stand for.
I believe in kindness.
I also feel if someone uses that phrase without paying me,
I should be able to sue them for every penny that they've got.
>> [LAUGH] >> Also when I come out here sometimes,
I throw a mint in the air and I catch it in my mouth, I should trademark that too.
I don´t wanna stop people from having mints, if anything, I´m encouraging that.
>> [LAUGH] >> More, and more mints.
I´m just saying, if you toss one in the air and you catch it, send me a dollar.
>> [LAUGH] >> I don´t care if you toss popcorn or
grapes, you can do that, but if I hear you´re tossing mints,
you'll hear from my lawyer.
>> [LAUGH] >> Actually, you know what,
I'm gonna trademark that, too.
I'm gonna trademark that phrase, you'll hear from my lawyer.
That way, if someone tries to sue me, >> [LAUGH]
>> And says you'll hear from my lawyer,
I can sue them first.
>> [LAUGH] [APPLAUSE] >> See?
>> [NOISE] [APPLAUSE] >> That's a good idea.
[APPLAUSE] >> What I'm really known for
is what I do with the end of my monologue.
I mean nobody does that because honestly it makes no sense.
But you owe me a check if you try to use an awkward transition to get into a dance.