-Our next guest can be seen at the Historic Everett Theatre
in Everett, Washington, this Saturday night.
Please welcome the very funny Jackie Fabulous!
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Hey, guys. What's up?
[ Cheers and applause ]
Oh, I have so many milestones to share.
I'm about to have really high self-esteem this summer.
I'm going to Jamaica to see my relatives.
Yeah! Yes. [ Cheers and applause ]
I tell women, if you want to know how good you look,
how hot you are, go to the Caribbean, any island.
You'll know how you look. Okay? I'm very self-aware.
I know I'm like a life-sized Cabbage Patch Doll.
I get it, right?
I used to live in California. On that man scale of 1 to 10,
I know I'm a 6. I get it, right?
In New York, I'm an 8. I can cook. Y'all like that.
Okay? [ Laughs ]
But in Jamaica, I'm Beyoncé.
Okay? [ Laughter ]
I am a 49.6 in Jamaica.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Okay?
I can't walk around.
It's not safe for me to walk around in Jamaica.
Okay? And here's the thing. I was working on a comedy cruise
and we had a port stop in Jamaica.
I went for a walk.
Right? You shouldn't do that by yourself.
And this man my age chasing me on a bike.
A bike! [ Laughter ]
And he's like, "Baby girl, where are you going?
Let me show you the island."
I'm like, "How? On your handlebars, sir?
How are you going to show me anything?"
And another man running after me, he's like,
"So where do you work?"
I said, "I work on the boat there part time."
He's like, "Part time?
You give me your body, I'll work on it full time."
I'm like, "Oh, okay. Alright. I like it here."
[ Cheers and applause ]
Speaking of confidence,
I officially permanently moved out of my mother's house.
Give it up for me. Yes.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah.
You shouldn't clap. I'm 51. That's sad. I shouldn't...
[ Laughter ]
And I'm going to miss my mother's sweet, sweet judgment.
I'm going to miss her judgment. She hates this job.
Her exact words were, "Jackie, you know I hate comedy."
I don't know. That's like saying you don't like joy.
I don't get it. But she loves discussing
what I do with my neighbors when I move back home.
Neighbors are nosy. They're like,
"So what do you do for a living now?"
My mom jumped in.
"Jackie is a joke!"
[ Laughter ]
She's like, "You know the card, the funny man on the card,
the joker? That's Jackie."
I said, "Mommy, that's correct.
But what I do, I'm called a comedian."
She's like, "Do you tell jokes for money?"
Well, yes. "Do you have a law degree?"
Yes, ma'am. "Then you're a freaking joke."
[ Laughter ]
Yeah.
I'm going to miss that.
I'm going to miss her weather reports every day.
Right? Because I used to live in Cali.
I don't miss inclement weather.
She's like, "Jackie, you know it rained on Monday.
Jacqueline, you know it rained on Tuesday.
Jackie, you will not believe this. It rained on Wednesday."
I get it, Mommy. We share the same TV. I get it.
I can see what you see.
[ Laughter ]
I'm going to miss her very heavy Jamaican accent, right?
She loves reality TV. She would call me to discuss.
I don't know what show she's talking about, right?
She's like, "Jackie, I love that show Ardas.
The show on TV, and the show is called Ardas.
And the lady on the show has 85 pussies."
[ Laughter ]
I'm like, "What show are you watching, Mommy?"
[ Laughter ]
And I'm like, "Wait a minute. You mean 'Hoarders'?"
[ Laughter ]
The lady with 85 cats?
Your accent is jacked up. I'm sorry.
[ Laughter ]
And FYI, they don't call them that word anywhere.
They're called cats in every country. I've checked.
[ Laughter ]
Another big milestone since I was here last --
I got married! Yeah!
[ Cheers and applause ]
Love! Yes.
And I'm obnoxious. You know, six months married.
I'm an expert, right?
So on Instagram, pictures of he and I
and I'm getting DMs from women now who want advice.
They're like, "Jack," because I married an ex-athlete,
ex-jock, you know, a hot guy with muscles.
And they're like, "Jackie, how did you find love at your age?
How did you find him?" I'm real.
You got to find man when they're at the end, okay?
[ Laughter ]
The more these guys' bodies fall apart,
the more they want to commit to you. Alright?
[ Laughter ]
When my husband's left knee blew out,
he's like, "Jackie, I have always loved you."
[ Laughter ]
When the right knee died, "we should get married."
I'm not a fool. Men get lonely, too.
You don't want to die alone. I get it, you know.
But the one thing we don't have in common
is that, you know, the athlete who can cook.
We started dating, and in the beginning of it,
at 12:30, midnight, he was like,
"So, um, do you want a meatball sandwich?"
I'm like, "It is 12:00 at night."
And he's like -- And I'm like, "Of course I do."
[ Laughter ]
That's part of the problem.
But I'm feeling guilty.
When you have a hot guy who lives in the gym, good shape,
you know, I'm not going to lie. All this newlywed new stuff.
You know what I'm talking about. I feel like --
I feel like he's killing me. I feel like I'm dying.
Like I have a hernia or a slipped disc.
I know when you go from nothing to all of this, it's a lot.
Right? And I'm worried.
I don't want him to have a heart attack.
You can't have the person in good shape
doing all the work all the time.
He's always taking the lead in the bedroom.
I'm like, "You know what? I got to take the lead"
and give it to him when he gives me.
So I decided to show him
that I can love him the way he loves me.
So I did. Two weeks ago, I gave him a great time.
I had been in pain for two weeks.
[ Laughter ] I have been talking
and making jokes about men's stamina for years.
I apologize. Okay? [ Laughter ]
I tried to do what you guys did.
I couldn't get through. I needed a five-minute break.
[ Laughter ] A granola bar, a Red Bull.
In the middle of it, I'm looking for excuses to get a break.
I'm like, "You don't hear that noise downstairs?
You don't want to go check?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
I'm like, "You're not hot? You don't feel warm?
It's stuffy in here.
I smell smoke. I don't feel safe."
[ Laughter ] "There's a fire somewhere."
I'm Jackie Fabulous. Thank you so much, guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Are you kidding me now? Are you kidding me?
Jackie Fabulous!
[ Cheers and applause ]
You're awesome. See Jackie this Saturday night
at the Historic Everett Theatre in Everett, Washington.
We'll be right back, everybody. Come on back.