For every question you answer honestly--
and I'll be the judge of that-- our friends at Shutterfly
will donate $1,000.
Mm.
OK.
I--
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
You will answer the question, and then you
will hit that for no apparent reason.
OK.
Who was your first crush?
A girl name Susie Franks.
[DING]
[LAUGHTER]
How old were you?
I was in the eighth grade.
Have you seen her since?
No, I've spoken to her since.
Oh, you have?
Yeah, but she was--
yeah, she-- you know, I--
I was such a dumb ass-- can you say that?
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
--that I ruined it.
I-- I loved her all the way through high school and--
[AUDIENCE MURMURS SYMPATHETICALLY]
[LAUGHTER]
You know, I've done all right.
Yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
But, yeah, Susie-- Susie Franks.
All right.
And grew up to be a teacher.
She lives up on Cape Cod and has a--
I think she actually has a son named David.
Oh.
Yeah.
[CROWD MURMURS]
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
I'm going to leave that alone.
What-- what do you mean?
There's no-- there's nothing that--
I'm just saying, it just--
You're just saying what?
You're not saying anything.
It's interesting that she still obviously has
feelings for you that she--
No, she had no feelings for me.
She named her son David.
Well, she has two other kids.
I don't know what their names are, and I don't care.
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
I'm well over that.
What's-- what's the most rebellious thing you did
as a teenager?
This is so stupid.
One day, senior year, my buddies and I took our skateboards
and we cut school.
The one and only time I-- you know what cut school means?
Nobody goes to school anymore anyway.
[LAUGHTER]
We-- we left.
We took off.
We got in the guy's car, and we went up to-- the highest point
in the central Indiana is where the grave of James Whitcomb
Riley, who's a poet from Indiana, and it's
the highest point in this Crown Hill Cemetery.
We took our skateboards up to his grave,
and we skateboard it all afternoon down from his grave
to-- through the other graves.
[LAUGHTER]
[DING]
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
It's not that rebellious.
Well, and of course we were vaping weed.
[LAUGHTER]
It's too late to embellish it now.
I'm sorry.
Besides your face, what--
Well, what about you?
What's the most rebellious thing you did?
I don't-- I was a pretty good teenager.
I think my mother will attest to that.
I was not-- like, I didn't do anything rebellious.
I think one time I left and I wasn't
supposed to leave because I was sick or something.
And I didn't come home until late,
and that made her worry about me.
Mhm.
I think that's the only thing that I ever did.
Mhm.
[DING]
Well, that's like Crips and Bloods kind of stuff.
Isn't it?
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
I was a good kid.
Besides your face, what body part
do you look at the most in the mirror?
[LAUGHTER]
Well, you know, my nose--
oh, my face is on my--
my body part in the mirror.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, periodically-- I'll tell you what,
when you get to be my age, you get stuff on your skin.
You've got to be careful out-- especially
out here in California.
And I have more stuff taken off me than the discount table
at Ralph's.
[LAUGHTER]
So I'm always looking for the skin problems.
OK.
So you check everything all the time.
You bet.
You got a dermatologist, right?
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't even know where--
[DING]
Ah, [LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
Tell us a lie you recently told.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, the guy at the hotel said, so you're taking off?
And I said, yeah.
[LAUGHTER]
I'll do it, dammit!
[DING]
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
You don't have to do everything.
What was your favorite job before getting
into show business?
Working at the Atlas Supermarket,
sacking groceries, every day after school.
I loved it.
The guy who owned the place was Sid Mauer.
He was like another father to me.
Me and my buddies worked there as--
stacking canned goods.
And every weekend, we'd steal beer
and go out and drink the beer.
And that was the one-- a great experience for me
for four years.
Whoa.
Yeah.
That's rebellious, too.
That could count for the other category.
That's really good.
Yeah.
[LAUGHS]
All right.
My--
[DING]
[LAUGHTER]
What is the point of the bell?
There is no point.
That-- my favorite job when I was like 15 or 16,
I worked at a car wash.
And I was the person that, as the car
came through the car wash, that got in
to drive it out, and clean the whole inside, and Armor All,
and I'd get a tip.
So I would like get to drive cars--
Cool.
--just to--
[DING]
[LAUGHTER]
That Armor All is--
Tell us--
--just awful.
It is.
It really is too much.
It's just greasy and--
I know.
--you just can't get it off.
Well, I didn't know.
[LAUGHTER]
Tell us one thing that you do that drives you crazy--
your family crazy.
Uh, err, uh, oh, brother.
That's a pretty long list.
[LAUGHTER]
I-- I try to--
my son-- my son's always trying to hit me.
Um--
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
That drives me crazy.
And then I try to get him to dance.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Is he a good dancer?
No.
[LAUGHTER]
This is his response to 90% of everything, absolutely no.
[LAUGHTER]
[DING]
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
If you got a chance to interview President Trump again,
what question would you ask him?
You know, I knew President Trump--
I'm disappointed in his administration.
[APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
I would say-- I would say to him, Don,
why are you such a putz?
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
[ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE]
[DING]
When something that you love--
How many more of these are we doing?
[LAUGHTER]
All right.
Last one, what's something that you love that everyone hates?
You mean other than this?
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS] Everyone loves this game.
Oh, no.
I love this game, too.
[LAUGHS]
What do I love that everyone hates?
Oh, peanut butter and Worcestershire sandwiches.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
Well, you're right on that.
[DING]
Shutterfly likes helping charities
like Habitat for Humanity.
They want to round your total up to $20,000.
Whoa!
$20,000.
Wow, thank you very much.
For Habitat for Humanity.
[ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE]
The giant check.
Look at this.
It's the giant check.
[ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE]
Thank you!
The new season of My Next Guest Needs No
Introduction with David Letterman
is coming this Spring to Netflix.
[LAUGHTER]
We'll be right back.