I know okay
happy 30th birthday Bette you're such a
freak
oh boy that's gonna be you next
oh my god I'm turning 30 in a month what
am I doing with my life here we go
nothing happens to you after 30 oh my
god people start calling you ma'am your
fashion sense starts to slip I don't
want to wear loafers all the time I
don't want to be a schoolmarm well some
things happen okay since my life is
basically ending I need to go to the
Great Wall of China with the Taj Mahal
skydiving in Iceland Mall dives one of
those big underwater caves in South
America oh no I have to stay night in
Buckingham Palace okay so the Lotte is
750 some kimchi it's pretty expensive
it's still 757 five oh you're right
[Music]
I'm 29 years old I can't keep cleaning
out your Tupperware I quit okay cool
that was really easy
[Music]
so this morning I painted my nails the
color of whole grain toast because I
felt crushed by the unending Wheel of
Time how are you doing goodbye drinking
without consequences
goodbye using cookies for breakfast
goodbye thinking I could blonde
highlights oh thank god
why have you been answering your phone
[Music]
gonna be fine dude
drink this calm down yeah I remember
when I turned 25 I had a huge panic
attack like there's this unrealistic
expectation put on women and we have to
stay young forever yeah I for sure
internalized that oh oh my god it's the
birthday girl hey ladies hi listen being
30 is amazing I'm having the time of my
life okay it turns out guys love older
women right babe yeah I don't even know
his name and I'm not gonna call him I'm
gonna go home and I'm gonna write that
novel I've always said I was gonna write
because now that I'm 30 people take me
seriously huh I'm so done with all that
crap in my 20s you know what I mean
oh I saw your stand-up set last night
really funny keep that dream alive
you can stand up last night yeah and I
also quit my job are the two related you
should get your job yeah
one piece of advice I'd give to my
younger self is that I don't have to
sleep with someone if I don't want to
even if I'm with them