-Welcome, welcome, welcome to
"The Tonight Show"!
You are here.
You made it.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Thank you very much. Well, guys,
this will put you in a good mood.
I want to say congrats to our good friends,
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck, who got married
over the weekend in Las Vegas.
[ Rimshot ] [ Cheering and applause ]
And they're great.
That's right, they got married at a drive-through chapel.
[ Laughter ]
You know inflation's bad when even those two are like,
"Let's just do it in Vegas.
[ Laughter ] Let's just go to Vegas."
The guy who married them was like,
"Wow, you two are the best
Ben and J.Lo impersonators I've ever seen.
[ Laughter ] You're really good."
Yeah, they got married at a drive-through chapel,
which was a compromise because Jen wanted
to get married at a chapel and Ben wanted to get married
at a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through.
[ Laughter ] It's like it's very Boston.
It's a Boston thing.
I saw that J.Lo is taking Ben's last name
and will now go by Jennifer Affleck.
[ Murmuring ]
That's good.
Because, if she went by Jennifer Lopez Affleck,
her nickname would be J.LoAf.
[ Laughter ]
Not as cute.
Ever since the news came out about Jennifer Lopez
and Ben Affleck's surprise wedding,
a lot of people have been saying the whole story
reminds them of the plot of a J.Lo movie.
-I've been saying that all day.
-Oh, yeah? What's that, Tariq?
-Well, you know, this whole thing is just like
that J.Lo movie where, you know, she makes the guy
who was holding up that sign, you know, she marries him.
-Yeah, you mean "Marry Me"?
-No, no, no, not "Marry Me."
The one where she marries the guy who saves her
from being crushed by -- it was like a runaway Dumpster.
-You mean "The Wedding Planner?"
[ Laughter ] -No, no, no.
I mean, the one where she falls for the hunky Senate candidate
who's staying at the hotel where she works.
-"Maid in Manhattan"?
-No, no, no, no. [ Laughter ]
I'm talking about -- I'm talking about the one
where her mother-in-law, she wears the white dress
to her wedding, instead of the peach-colored one
that J.Lo asked her to, so. -Yeah, yeah.
"Monster-in-Law." [ Laughter ]
-Jimmy, have you ever even seen a J.Lo movie?
[ Laughter ]
It's the one where she and her friends,
they commit credit fraud, you know, in fur coats.
-"Hustlers"? -No, no, no, not "Hustlers," no.
[ Laughter ] The one where, you know, she's a real estate agent
and she figures out
that Jason Statham is a jewel thief.
-"Parker"? -Come on, man!
[ Laughter ] You know the one!
Look, man, she's a female saber-toothed tiger,
forced to join a band of pirates.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"Ice Age: Continental Drift"? -No!
[ Laughter ] No!
The one where her new student becomes obsessed with her
and then they have that big showdown in the barn.
-"The Boy Next Door"?
-Jimmy, look, it's the one where
[ Laughter ] she uses VR to travel
inside the mind of a psychopath,
in order to save his latest victim.
-"The Cell"?
-No! [ Laughter ]
The one where she teams up with Ice Cube, you know,
to fight an anaconda.
-"Anaconda"!
-Yeah, "Anaconda," that's it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
What does --
How does a surprise wedding in Las Vegas
remind you of "Anaconda"?
-Well, was Jon Voight there?
-No.
-Oh, well, never mind.
[ Laughter and applause ] -Moving on.
Let's get to some news -- on Friday, President Biden held
a controversial meeting with the crown prince of Saudi Arabia.
But the real controversy was that Biden greeted him
with a fist bump.
[ Laughter ]
Watch this. Watch this.
-Ooh.
-Yeah.
Biden said, "That wasn't a fist bump.
That was me trying to punch him as hard as I could."
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Indistinct ]
Not a great look. That's like a greeting Putin
with a chest bump and a bro hug.
"My man! What are you doing?" [ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I read that Dr. Fauci said that he plans to retire
by the end of President Biden's term.
Yep, then everyone turn to Biden like,
"Is there anything you'd like to announce, too?"
[ Laughter ]
Of course, once he's gone, Fauci will be replaced
by a new, slightly weaker, variant.
[ Laughter and ohhs ]
Guys listen to this -- according to a recent study,
COVID can live on frozen meat for more than a month.
I feel bad for the scientists
who spent a month rubbing nasal swabs on frozen meat.
[ Laughter ] Seriously, you know we're living
in fun times when you're giving your sausage
a PCR test, you know?
[ Laughter ]
[ The Roots play funk sting ]
-Sausage. -Oh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Meanwhile, Arby's was like,
"This doesn't apply to us
because our meat is stored at room temperature."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some business news -- there's a new lawsuit
against Skittles that claims that it contained
a known toxin called titanium dioxide.
Well, Skittles wants to assure people
that their candy is safe and toxin-free,
but I think the new ad went a little too far.
Watch this.
-Here at Skittles,
we want to set the record straight.
We don't use harmful toxins
because all of our candy is...
Each and every Skittle is...
[ Laughter ]
Then, of course, all Skittles are...
[ Thwack ] [ Laughter ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-It's the heart. -Farmer Skitty.
Guys, you know, I was thinking about this.
I saw this today -- in TikTok,
their head of global security just stepped down, yeah.
And he actually released a video announcing his resignation
that was pretty on-brand for Tik-Tok.
Check this out.
-Effective September 2nd,
I will be stepping down
as TikTok's chief security officer.
-♪ My money don't jiggle-jiggle ♪
[ Laughter ] ♪ It folds ♪
♪ I like to see you wiggle-wiggle ♪
♪ For sure ♪
[ Applause ] And he left.
That's how he resigned.
Yeah, that's how he resigned.
Well, this is cool --
are you guys fans of the game Wordle?
You ever play Wordle?
[ Cheering and applause ]
Good.
Well, I saw that Hasbro and The New York Times
are creating a new Wordle board game.
[ Oohs ]
It's called Wordle: The Party Game.
-Oh. -We actually got a sneak peek
at the instructions.
Take a look at this.
Step...
[ Laughter ]
Step...
[ Laughter ]
Step...
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, Step...
[ Laughter and applause ] [ Sad trombone ]
-[Both] Party!
♪ Wordle party ♪
-♪ And Wordle ♪ -♪ Wordle party ♪
-♪ And Wordle and party ♪
♪ And Wordle ♪
-Wordle.
Wordle.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, guys, I heard that 7-Eleven gave seven years of free coffee
to the parents of a baby born
in one of their parking lots in West Virginia.
[ Laughter ] Yeah, and now the baby is one week old,
just like the hot dogs. -Oh.
[ Laughter ]