- [Narrator] Coming up on "IDIOTS present".
- That's what we...
...oh. Oh!
(Peter screaming in pain)
(Shayne screaming)
(inspirational music)
(audience clapping and cheering)
- [Amanda] Hi. - Thank you.
Thank you. - Wow.
Hi guys. I'm Amanda.
- And I'm Shayne.
- And this is "IDIOTS present".
- "Ideas We Didn't Know We Had".
- But we do know we had them.
- We know, we know everything.
- We, 'cause we created this.
- We have an incredibly clear idea
of everything that's about to happen to us.
We're so happy you're all here.
We're especially happy our parents are here.
- [Amanda] Our parents are here!
- [Shayne] In the back.
(audience clapping)
- [Amanda] Hi mom, hi dad.
- [Shayne] Mom, Dad.
- Thanks for flying from Vancouver.
- I know, all the way from there.
- Yeah.
- Tensions are definitely high.
I, you know, I feel like, you know,
to loosen it up, I'm just gonna
give you guys a little bit of my fears.
I am terrified of chimpanzees, so-
- He will not do this if there's a chimpanzee.
- If for some reason a chimpanzee walks out here,
I am going to leave.
- Before it takes your face off.
- Before it rips my face off,
I will leave swiftly and quietly.
I'm scared of doing parkour.
- Because you broke your ankle.
- I did break my ankle once, trying to do parkour.
- I can do parkour, just no cockroaches.
Throw the cockroaches at Shayne.
- All right.
We are teaching a self-defense class.
- Oh my God.
Yes, we are.
- Yeah, we are.
- Yes, we are.
- Because like I said-
- Yes, we are.
- Chimpanzees. I'm scared of guns, knives.
- Yes.
(Shayne blows raspberry)
But, our bodies can be a weapon.
- Exactly.
Ya! Ya!
I'm wearing tight khakis.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- So that's the first rule.
- Wear dress- - Do not wear-
- Dress for defense.
- Yes, you want little tiny baby shorts.
- Yes.
- So, next slide.
Biggest potential threats in your life.
- [Shayne] Uh. - Oh, I know her.
She just licked some vanilla ice cream,
right in this picture.
- Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. You gotta look out for her.
- Oh, it's Ian.
Oh no.
- It's Ian mixed with Keith from "The Try Guys".
(Amanda and audience laughing)
You gotta be look out,
you gotta look out for chimeras of different YouTubers.
- This little woman named "Selena".
The thing is, she looks sweet and cute, right?
- Right. - Monster.
She is the devil. - [Shayne] Exactly.
- Okay?
She could literally destroy you, kick you in the face.
- Right. And then, uh oh.
- Look at it, he's in camouflage right here.
We get it.
I thought he was a flamingo to start.
- Right.
- He's not. - Yes.
- He's a person.
So say you're coming home and one of your flamingos
just all of a sudden bounces up and attacks you.
You have to know how to defend yourself.
- Exactly. You have to be ready at all times.
You need to be feeling perpetual anxiety and stress.
- Yes, and you need to kick the other leg down.
- And if you can get a hand,
almost break dancing, you know, it's like a...
- Don't do parkour, don't do parkour!
- It's not parkour!
(audience laughing)
That's not parkour. - That looked like parkour.
- That wasn't parkour.
- [Both] Next slide.
- [Amanda] Here are our favorite self-defense tools.
- Everyone stay calm. Especially me.
(audience laughing)
- Okay.
- We know what is happening.
- Yes, we do.
In order to have self-defense going on,
you need padding.
That's what these are.
- Yeah.
Make sure to always avoid hard surfaces.
If you're walking on concrete, get out of there.
- Oh my God.
Okay.
(audience laughing)
- We have some self-defense tools here.
Duct tape.
We're not Spider-Man, but we can be close.
And if you have duct tape,
if someone throws a punch at you,
catch it with duct tape, wrap 'em up.
- And then fling 'em across a building.
- And then throw 'em.
- Um, The Avengers, right?
Okay.
I got all the gems here.
So for this,
all you wanna do is this and a couple of these.
- Right.
- And if a stone gets loose, throw these away immediately.
Oh, we shouldn't be spraying these.
These are pepper spray.
- Yeah, thank you for throwing that at me.
- You're welcome.
(audience laughing)
Do not spray this.
- [Shayne] Do not actually spray this.
- Especially when you're inside with your teammate.
- Exactly.
Especially when you're inside with your teammates
and your parents, uh, or else we would
have to cancel the rest of today.
- [Amanda] Exactly.
- [Shayne] Uh, and that will not be good.
- Mommy and daddy don't spray this.
And then lastly,
super easy to carry anywhere you go, okay?
You're in the city.
I wanna make sure that I've got this going on.
It looks like a cute purse, okay.
- Yes, that is exactly what that looks like.
- Yeah.
So, walk- - Nothing else.
- Walk towards me.
- Okay.
- Walk towards me.
E-ya!
- Oh, no.
- You're outta here buddy.
- Ah!
- You're outta here buddy.
- [Shayne] Yeah.
- I'm going back to my apartment by myself.
(audience laughing)
Next slide.
- [Shayne] But how do you use these?
- [Amanda] We'll demonstrate.
- [Shayne] We'll demonstrate as we-
- Hi-Ya! Ow!
Self defense!
(audience laughing)
- What?
- Now we're going to actually use these on a (indistinct)
- Okay.
So say I'm walking, and this guy comes up behind me,
and I'm going to my car and he tries to,
put your arms around me.
Tries to,
put your arms around me,
E-yah!
(Peter grunts)
E-yah! - Nice, way to go.
(Shayne and audience clapping)
Way to go.
(audience laughing)
- [Both] Next slide.
- [Amanda] Three self-defense moves you must know.
- [Shayne] Okay.
- [Amanda] One, "The Tongue Depressor".
- Um.
A lot of times people can also
attack you with their words.
So say someone's coming at you
and they pose a physical threat,
but they're also gonna try to hurt your feelings.
Come towards me, and you're also trying to offend me.
- [Amanda] Say offensive words to him.
- What's this, another flop by Shayne from iCarly?
- Okay. And then you,
bam, bam, bam, bam! - Oh yeah! Oh, oh!
Oh yeah! Get him! Get him!
- And, oh no, no, no, no, no.
- No!
- No. Oh, no he's going to get on to me.
- No, hey!
(indistinct squabble)
- No, no, no, no.
I got him. I got him. - [Amanda] Get him. Get him.
Get him. Get him. - [Shayne] I got him.
I got him. I got him. I got him.
- Okay. - I got him.
- Okay, partner. - I got him.
Okay.
No, I would, you know,
I don't wanna hurt Peter, but normally,
his whole head would've been wrapped up.
- Correct.
Number two, "Flame Muncher".
This is super easy.
I'm on fire 'cause I'm angry, okay?
This is what a Flame Muncher is.
(audience laughing)
Okay, come at me, but put your head towards here.
Like trust fall into this, okay?
- Okay.
Tee-yah!
(audience laughing)
- Nice.
(Shayne claps)
(audience clapping)
- Oh, that's what I call a burn.
That's a Flame Muncher.
So he tried to go for the munch,
and I Flame Munched him. I burned him.
(audience laughing)
You okay, Peter?
- Yes.
- I swear to God, Peter, if you're not okay.
I swear to God, Peter, are you okay?
- [Shayne and Amanda] Okay.
- Let's do number three.
- Swear to God, Peter.
- [Shayne] "The Tall Girl, Little Man".
- [Peter] I hate this one.
- Now this is where teammates come in handy.
- [Amanda] We named this after us.
- Yes.
Imagine Peter thinks he's just facing a tall girl.
- Hey.
- [Shayne] So, Amanda, if you could stand right here.
- Swear to God, Peter.
- So Peter thinks he's only attacking one attacker.
- Hey.
- But you keep your whole team hidden.
Amanda, duck down.
- Come at me. - Easy target.
- Oh! Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam! Hi-ya!
- Hi-ya!
- I was hidden the whole time.
(audience clapping)
- Get on my back.
Let's go home baby! - Yeah!
(high-pitched screams)
You can't fight this.
- Boom!
- You can't fight that.
- [Amanda] Next slide.
- Let's set the scene.
Peter is a stinky bad guy who wants to take your money.
- That's clear.
- I smell like crap. Gimme your money!
- (laughs) Okay.
- Okay.
(audience laughing)
Whoa. - [Amanda] Okay.
- Whoa. What's gonna happen next?
Disclaimer.
Peter is in protective gear and will not feel any pain.
Step one, "Pepper Spray Peter Now!"
For safety reasons, this bottle is empty.
But let's pretend.
- So, tall woman and little man are walking.
- Yes. - In New York city.
- Ah, New York. We should hit up 7/11.
- Oh, let's go get some pizza.
(audience laughing)
- [Both] Hey! - I smell like 7/11 pizza.
I want your money.
- Ah! - That's what we...
...oh. Oh!
(Peter screams in pain)
(Amanda screams)
Wait! You said it was empty.
- I thought it was empty.
Oh my God.
(Peter screaming in pain)
Peter?
- Peter?
- [Both] Next slide.
- [Shayne] Now, tuck him into bed.
Okay, so. - Okay.
After you hurt your assailant,
make sure you bring them back to your apartment
and tuck them into your bed, okay?
- Yeah. Kill them with kindness.
- Yeah. Lay down.
We're so sorry that that happened to you.
- Yeah, oh boy.
- Go to bed and let's make him a nice little sushi.
- [Both] Burrito!
- [Shayne] Yay!
- Tuck, tuck, tuck, nobody's gonna get you.
- Yay! Yeah!
- Tuck your feet, though. Tuck, tuck, tuck.
- [Both] Tuck-y, tuck-y.
- Little baby. - Aww.
- Next slide.
- Okay.
- Kick the (beep) out of him. Okay.
- Mother (beep).
Get him!
(Shayne grunts)
Wake-y, wake-y mother (beep).
(Shayne grunts)
Okay. So you do that for about one hour.
(audience laughing)
Next slide.
- [Shayne] Read him a bedtime story.
- Oh my God.
Jesus Christ.
- Be careful of her.
- I just said there was no demons here.
I guess there is one.
Remember when mom and dad used to read us bedtime stories?
- Oh my gosh. - Ugh.
Lord of the Rings. That was crazy.
- I know.
And they would read an entire book in one night.
- Yeah.
It was really a long night. I never slept.
- [Shayne] Very fast.
- Okay, this is my favorite book
from the church of nadares.
"The Princess Shoe, Part Two".
"Amy was a little girl when she was born
and her father said,
'Amy, it's time to wake up now.'
And she said,
'Dad, I don't have to wake up. I don't need any rules
'cause I'm going to be a princess.'"
- "And her father said,
'If you want to be a princess,
you're going to need princess shoes.
And what do you have now?'
And the little girl, Amy, looked at her feet
and there was nothing there. No shoes.
And she said,
'Father, can I please get some princess shoes?'
And he said,
'The only way to get princess shoes is to...'
- "'...go to work and pick up a gun and start going to war.'
(audience laughing)
'But father, I'm only 10!'
'That's what I had to do.
Go to work and pick up a gun and go to war.'
And then the mom busted in,
'Stop saying that you bastard.'"
(audience laughing)
"'Okay guys, time for you to get outta the room.
I need to start getting ready because
I'm going to be a princess and I need
to take these leather bags off my feet.'"
God, so much written on that page.
(audience laughing)
- "So she began her plans on how to get a gun and go to war.
But she overheard through the wall her parents arguing,
'I swear to God, if you ever talk back to me like that
I swear to God'"- - Love this part.
- "'I-I-I will leave and I will take our daughter
and I will get custody of her.'
'You know you're never gonna do that.
I will. This, this is my house.
And under my house, I demand respect.'
- Go to sleep.
(audience laughing)
- "'Quiet. I bet she can hear us.'
She could hear them."
(Shayne exhales sharply)
(audience laughing)
- And that's the end of the book, Shel Silverstein.
- Yeah.
Wow.
(audience clapping)
- [Amanda] Next slide.
(beep) you, mother (beep)
I hope you have the bubonic plague, (beep).
You have successfully eliminated the threat.
Let Peter sleep.
- Let him sleep now.
(Amanda doing baby talk)
Go back to sleep.
- Go back to sleep, you son of a (beep)
- Yeah, so next slide?
- Next slide.
"But wait, there's another assailant! Hide for Safety!"
(ominous guitar music)
- Rise and shine, turd cutter.
(Amanda screams)
I'm gonna bring the pain and leave a Peter-shaped stain.
(evil laugh)
(music stops abruptly)
- Just tuck me back in,
and we can forget that happened.
- You shouldn't have done that.
- Holy (beep).
Oh my God!
(Peter screaming)
- These guns are fully loaded.
(Peter screaming)
- Holy (beep).
(Amanda screams)
- Yeah!
- Parkour, sucker!
(everyone screaming)
- Ah!
Oh my God!
- I might not know karate...
(both screaming)
...but I know chimpanzee, (beep).
(loud screams)
I'm about to shove as down your ass down my throat kid.
(indistinct chatter)
- [Amanda] Oh! - [Shayne] Oh my gosh.
(both screaming)
(indistinct chatter)
- Ah.
- Oh.
- Where you going?
You ain't done yet.
This is gonna come at you like a bag of quarters
in a strip club!
(Peter screaming)
- (laughs) Welcome to Slam Town.
- Oh, my God. Slam Town?
- I'm gonna go kick Spider Man in the nuts.
Mind if I borrow your car?
- No, not again.
- [Amanda] Oh no.
- Not again? - Not again?
You guys are friends? - RAV-4?
Ugh.
Thanks for the ride, nerd.
(audience laughing)
- Holy (beep).
(audience clapping)
Wow! I need to work out more.
(audience laughing)
- Yeah.
So sometimes, after you've taken care of an assailant,
someone else will come in and fully kill them.
- Yeah. And go Slam Town on their ass.
- [Shayne] Yeah. - Next slide.
- [Shayne] On a scale of one to ten,
how epic was that?
- [Amanda] I think I can speak for both of us.
Oh, nevermind. - [Shayne] Okay.
- [Both] Daddy said zero?
(audience laughing)
- Okay.
Ian has nine and Selena has ten.
Zoe has three.
Zoe has a three.
- So that's an overall of uh, what?
A 58? Pretty good.
- Good at math. That's why you're my teammate.
- [Shayne] Yeah, exactly.
- [Amanda] Here are the techniques
we just used to protect ourselves.
"Pound Town" is number one.
- Pound Town.
You also may have heard,
shoving their (beep) down your throat.
- Yep.
- I believe that was something that was said.
- It was.
- Am I crazy or was that said?
- No, that was definitely said.
(audience laughing)
- I'm pretty sure that was said.
- That was definitely said.
Bag of quarters at a strip club.
- Pretty (beep) awesome.
I think that's when you like,
just get your whole body and then-
- And you're just going, you're just throwing it away.
- Fire Muncher.
- That's an important one for us ladies, okay?
- Tongue slam.
- Tongue, tongue, tongue uh, (snaps fingers)
- [Shayne] Tongue- - Tongue Depressor!
- Tongue Depressor.
- [Both] Yeah.
- That's when you have duct tape and you,
you wrap it around their whole entire face.
- Yes. - Get them to shut up.
- Exactly.
- Oh, oh.
Tall woman, short little guy.
- Tiny man! - Tiny man.
- I think it was tiny. - "Tall woman, tiny man".
- Yeah.
So that's when you hide behind me.
- Yes. - And you come out.
Um. Next slide, mm-hm.
- [Shayne] Before we wrap up...
- Before we wrap up, very important.
What?
- Yeah! - Wait, is this real?
Is this real?
- I think this is real.
- I don't know.
"Peter, I swear to God".
- So, any that you buy will go
towards Peter's medical expenses.
(audience laughing)
He has broken every bone in his body.
- I can't do that one for you.
You gotta do that.
- Yeah, you have to do that, man.
- Yeah.
So these are, these shirts are on Amazon
and it's "Peter, I swear to God".
And it's all about Peter.
- Yeah.
- It's what I said to Peter,
'cause I swear to God, Peter.
(audience clapping)
- [Shayne] Yeah. - Said that.
- Peter's an amazing person.
- Well. - Well.
- That concludes our self-defense class.
(audience clapping)
- [Amanda] I hope you guys learned a lot.
- You know what,
I hope this never has to happen to you.
- Correct.
- But if it does.
- If it does.
- I hope you listen to everything we've taught--
talked about here today, and you follow
all of these steps and you will be okay.
- And never leave the house without your teammate.
- Right.
Never leave your house without--
if you're a tiny man,
make sure you find a tall woman.
If you're a tall woman, find a tiny man.
- Tiny man. Tinier the better.
- That's the best team duo you can find out there.
- Mm-hm.
Or Slam Town.
- Or Slam Town.
That,
he doesn't have to worry about anything.
- No, he's fine. He can go out alone.
We should bring up...
- [Both Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's the "Mayor of Slam Town".
- Oh (beep). - Mayor of Slam Town.
- The Mayor of Slam Town.
- Sorry, the Mayor of Slam Town.
- [Amanda] The Mayor of Slam Town.
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you Mayor of Slam Town.
- Thank you, Mayor.
- [Both] Thank you.
- Okay, erm- - Of course.
- Don't want to overstay my welcome.
- Yeah.
- You know how it is,
when people call you the wrong vernacular.
- Of course, of course. - Yeah, yeah. Of course.
- You know, we would never, we would-
- No, no, no.
We would literally never say anything wrong.
We would never, I voted at 11.
- Yeah. - Mayor of Slam Town.
- Yeah. Yeah. Um.
- Oh my God. He was about to (beep) kill us.
- I think he was about to kill us.
(audience laughing)
All right.
- Okay.
- Erm, well.
- Well, I'm scared to leave this set.
Can we just stay right here?
- [Shayne] See you later.
- Bring out the chimpanzees.
- [Both] Oh my God.
- Both you guys, out.
- Okay. Yeah, yeah. - Oh my God, okay.
- You, you, out. - Alright.
- Oh, no worries. No worries.
We're outta here. We're outta here
- [Shayne] No problem.
- Everybody out here.
- [Shayne] No problem.
- Not you.
- [Amanda] Oh my God, Peter is so (beep) right now.
(beep)
- Um.
- Ooh, ooh, there was no padding there.
Nope, nevermind.
- My contact fell out.
[Amanda] (gasps) Oh no!
Look at him, poor Peter.
- (chuckles) Oh my God.
- [Amanda] Why do we (beep) Peter up all the time?
(Peter laughing)
- I did not account for that.
- What if this is all part of it?
What if a chimpanzee walks out now?
(everyone laughing)
- [Amanda] Stop.
- [Producer] Okay, hold.
Let's get more shots of you just beating up Peter.
(everyone laughing)