WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW" COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.
THANK YOU ALL FOR STAYING UP.
INTO THE WEEKEND, AT THIS POINT.
DO A LIVE SHOW, THEY SAID.
IT'S IMPORTANT, THEY SAID.
WELL, IT'S THE FINAL NIGHT OFEND, THE REPUBLICAN CONVENTION AND
LO, IT HAS COME TO PASS.
A DAY LONG FORETOLD -- THE TRUMPENING.
(LAUGHTER) TONIGHT WAS A HISTORIC MOMENT
UNITING AMERICA'S POLITICAL SYSTEM, ENTERTAINMENT COMPLEX
AND SELF-TANNER INDUSTRY.
(LAUGHTER) WE'LL ALL REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE
WHEN WE GOT TOO DRUNK TO REMEMBER WHERE WE WERE.
THE EVENING WAS KICKED OFF BY R.N.C. CHAIRMAN REINCE PRIEBUS,
WHO REMINDED VIEWERS OF AN ESSENTIAL AMERICAN TRUTH.RE
>> LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS IS MORE
THAN JUST A SLOGAN ON A BUMPER STICKER.
>> Stephen: YES, IT'S MORE -- I'VE ACTUALLY NEVER SEEN IT ON A
BUMPER STICKER.
I THINK THE BUMPER STICKER IS LIFE, LIBERTY, GRASS OR ASS.
NOBODY RIDES FOR FREE.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
HOW YOU GUYS DOING?
GOOD?
>> Jon: YEAH, GOOD.
>> Stephen: VERY EXCITING.
OF COURSE, TONIGHT'S MAIN EVENT WAS TRUMP'S ACCEPTANCE SHOUT. G
THE BIGGEST, MOST FABULOUS, LUXURIOUS 5-STAR DIAMOND ADMIRAL
CLASS ACCEPTANCE SPEECH IN THE HISTORY OF TALKING.
OVERALL TAKEAWAY -- GOOD NEWS, BAD NEWS -- GOOD NEWS, AMERICA
IS STILL A SHINING CITY.
BAD NEWS, JUST RAGING DUMPSTER FIRES SET BY RAGING BARBARIANS
COMING TO KILL US ALL.
(LAUGHTER) AND RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING, HE
MADE A BOLD PROMISE.
>> HERE, AT OUR CONVENTION, THERE WILL BE NO LIES.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
FAIR ENOUGH.
(LAUGHTER) LET'S CHECK ON THAT.
>> I HUMBLY -- >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, THERE'S
ONE.
(LAUGHTER) (APPLAUSE)
NO!
SORRY.
THAT IS A FOUL BALL.
AND TRUMP WASTED NO TIME TAKING A SWIPE AT PRESIDENT OBAMA'S
FOREIGN POLICY.
>> PRESIDENT OBAMA DREW A RED LINE IN SYRIA, AND THE WHOLE
WORLD KNEW IT MEANT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.ED
>> Stephen: OH, PLEASE, THAT IS -- ACTUALLY PRETTY ACCURATE.
OKAY, ONE FOR TEAM ORANGE.
GOT TO GIVE IT TO HIM.
NOW, TRUMP PAINTED HIMSELF AS AN UNDERDOG OPPOSED BY A CROOKED
SYSTEM.
>> BIG BUSINESS, ELITE MEDIA AND MAJOR DONORS ARE LINING UP
BEHIND THE CAMPAIGN OF MY OPPONENT.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
THEY HAVE.
AND BECAUSE A LOT OF COMPANIES DON'T WANT TO ASSOCIATE
THEMSELVES WITH A CONTROVERSIAL CANDIDATE LIKE TRUMP, THE
CONVENTION LOST SPONSORS LIKE FORD, UPS, AND JP MORGAN CHASE
BUT ONE COMPANY STOOD BY THEAS REPUBLICANS REGARDLESS OF THEIR
CANDIDATE.
"ROBINSON'S TURD POLISH" -- THEIR SLOGAN: IT'S ALL YOU'VE
GOT, SO MAKE IT SHINY!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT'S A TURD YOU CAN SEE YOUR
FACE IN.
(LAUGHTER) AND TRUMP HAMMERED DEMOCRATS FOR
BEING DECEPTIVE CORPORATE CRONIES.
>> SO IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE CORPORATE SPIN, THE
CAREFULLY-CRAFTED LIES AND THE MEDIA MYTHS, THE DEMOCRATS ARE
HOLDING THEIR CONVENTION NEXT WEEK. Y
>> Stephen: BUT IF YOU WANT HASTILY-ASSEMBLED LIES AND NO
CORPORATE SPONSORS, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) >> Stephen:TADA!
I GOT THE HIPS.
GOT THE HIPS.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) DONALD DID NOT DO THAT AT ANY
POINT, I HAVE TO BE HONEST.
HE DIDN'T DO THIS.
(LAUGHTER) TRUMP'S CORE MESSAGE WAS
CLEAR -- HILLARY CLINTON BAD.
>> HILLARY CLINTON IS PROPOSING MASS AMNESTY, MASS IMMIGRATION,
AND MASS LAWLESSNESS.
MY OPPONENT WANTS TO ESSENTIALLY ABOLISH THE SECOND AMENDMENT.
HILLARY CLINTON'S MESSAGE IS THAT THINGS WILL NEVER CHANGE.
>> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT -- SHE'S GOING TO CHANGE EVERYTHING
AND NOTHING WILL EVER CHANGE!
MAKE UP YOUR MIND, HILLARY!
AMERICA NEEDS TO KNOW WHY IT HATES YOU SO MUCH!NG
(APPLAUSE) SPEAKING OF WHICH, TRUMP HAD A
STRONG MESSAGE TO WIN OVER NEW SUPPORTERS.
>> I HAVE SEEN FIRSTHAND HOW THE SYSTEM IS RIGGED AGAINST OURCH
CITIZENS, JUST LIKE IT WAS RIGGED AGAINST BERNIE SANDERS.
HE NEVER HAD A CHANCE.
BUT HIS SUPPORTERS WILL JOIN OUR MOVEMENT.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
IT'S TRUE.
MAKES SENSE.
IF HIS SUPPORTERS CAN'T HAVE BERNIE, THEY'LL GO TO TRUMP.
KINDA LIKE IF YOU ASK FOR A COKE, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE IT,
YOU SAY, "THEN JUST FILL MY MOUTH WITH BEES."
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) OF COURSE, TRUMP KNOWS THAT WHEN
YOU'RE GIVING THE BIGGEST SPEECH) OF YOUR LIFE, YOU GOTTA PLAY THE
HITS.
>> I'M GOING TO MAKE OUR COUNTRY RICH AGAIN.
WE'RE GOING TO BUILD A GREAT BORDER WALL.
>> Stephen: WHOO!
WHOO!
WHOO, WHOO!
DO "CROOKED HILLARY."
WHOO!
DO "I PREFER SOLDIERS WHO DON'T GET CAPTURED!"
DO "CHI-NYA."
CHI-NYA!
THAT IS WAY TOO HOT TO PUT IN MY POCKET RIGHT NOW.
(LAUGHTER) ALL RIGHT.
NEAR THE END, TRUMP TURNED REFLECTIVE.
>> MY DAD, FRED TRUMP, WAS THE SMARTEST AND HARDEST WORKING MAN
I EVER KNEW.
I WONDER SOMETIMES WHAT HE WOULD SAY IF HE WERE HERE TO SEE THIS
TONIGHT.
>> Stephen: I THINK HE'D SAY, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
ALSO, "HOW IS THAT YOUR HAIR?
YOU WERE BALDING WHEN YOU WERE TWENTY ."
(LAUGHTER) DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.
(APPLAUSE) IT WAS A GREAT PERFORMANCE.
I GOT TO GIVE THAT TO HIM.
REALLY FIRED UP THE ROOM AND FINALLY ANSWERED THE QUESTION,
WHAT IF FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER WAS IN CHARGE OF THE ANGRY MOB?
FINALLY, WAS THE SPEECH ANGRY AND FILLED WITH DISTORTIONS?
BUT THE SONG THEY CHOSE TO PLAY AT THE END WAS A REFRESHING BIT
OF HONESTLY.
♪ YOU DON'T ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT ♪ T
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!