Previously on EvAbridged:
Tokyo is currently under monster attack 10,572. EVERYONE PANIC!
The angels are attacking, humanity is in danger, your dad's waiting for you, and the prom's tomorrow!!
Oh my god, it's an angel!
Oh my god, it's Godzilla!
Run!! It's Godzilla!!
As usual, we, the Japanese military, are useless!
Fucking ducks!
Don't worry, everyone! Shinji Ikari is here to save the day!
Shinji, you are the manliest hero I have ever seen and I am absolutely attracted to you.
Also, you are definitely NOT a pussy!
I know!
The Angels'neutron anti-matter phase beam is corrupting the particle/space continuum!
That makes perfect sense!
I'll end this with my finishing move!
The Angel has just been destroyed by Shinji's awesomeness!
Shinji, as your loving father who is always proud of you, I have one last thing to say.
Yes, daddy dearest?
Bwaa!!
What just happened?
So let me get the straight... Just how much damage did we cause in the last battle?
$70 billion dollars' worth of collateral damage.
You're shitting me.
Nope.
That's what we get for protecting millions of people living here.
And whose bright idea was it to build a city with millions of people
on top of the world's most dangerous and secretive military base?
I'm a fucking genius!
And no one opposed this idea?!
There was one...
He's a fucking idiot.
Well it wouldn't be so bad if the pilot did a better job.
You mean humanity's last hope who passed out and peed his pants?
You mean humanity's last hope who just woke up?
Shinji's awake? Is he alright?
THIS ARM IS STALKING ME!
He's perfectly fine.
Well, he's still a kid. Someone's going to have to take care of him.
-Not it. -Not it.
Dammit!
So I've sorted it out with the higher-ups; Shinji's going to be staying with you.
Ritsuko, are you seriously making me babysit a 14-year-old boy?
I thought you'd like it. Just don't go seducing him or anything.
Ha ha... Very funny.
It was a joke, Misato. Where's your sense of humor?
Oh, so you don't think I have a sense of humor, do you?!
-Alright then, here's a joke for you: -Go on.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
GO FUCK YOURSELF!
Seducing young boys... That woman doesn't know what she's talking about.
Shinji, you're coming in me tonight!
You mean I'm coming WITH you, right?
I know what I said!
That wasn't a very nice joke you told Doctor Akagi.
It's just a joke between friends, Shinji.
Tell it to your friends! I bet they will find it really funny.
So you and Doctor Akagi are friends?
Bitch!
Pretty much.
Say, Misato, there's one thing I've been wondering ever since I've joined NERV.
Yeah, Shinji?
What does "NERV" actually stand for?
No one's told you yet?
Oh, well, I'm pretty sure it stands for--
Nervous Erection Reaches Vagina!
I'm sorry, sir?
And that's how I lost my virginity! Ahaha!
I'm not even going to ask.
Well, here we are: Home sweet home!
Welcome to your new house.
Misato, is there anything slightly edible?
You'll find everything you need in the fridge:
booze, booze, and booze.
You want a glass of whiskey?
Uhh, Misato, I'm only 14.
Just a beer then?
No! That means I’m a minor!
Oh, don't be such a pussy, Shinji!
Drink up!
It's against the law!
[chicken noises]
Misato!
I'll have a beer...
So, as you can see, Unit-00 is currently suspe--
Holy fuck it's a blonde!
Does that mean you're dumb and shit?
Er, sir...
I'm head scientist here at NERV.
What kind of idiot hired a blonde as head scientist?
You did.
I what?
Sir, it's me, Ritsuko Akagi.
Ohh! My bad, my bad. All you blondes look the same.
You really are an asshole; you know that, sir?
Are you asking me out on a date?
What?
Great! I'll pick you up at 7.
Wait, hold on, I never said--
We can flirt later, Dr. Akagi; right now we have important work to do.
[grunt]
As I was saying, sir, Unit-00 is currently suspended--
Holy fuck it's a blonde!
Does that mean you're dumb and shit?
I really hope that Misato is having better luck babysitting...
Can you please stop bitching about your ex-boyfriend already?!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Stud!
Let's hear about YOUR great relationship history.
Well, uhh...
Your hand doesn't count.
Dammit!
Well at least I don't have a drinking problem.
Your face has a drinking problem!
Misato, you're drunk.
Your face is drunk!
Misato?
WHAT?!
You're an ignoramus!
Your face is an anus!
That's not what I even--
Shut up, Shinji, and get in the goddamn bath!
Misato, I found more yogurt on the floor.
Clean up on aisle 1.
Jeez. How often does that kid jerk off?
[song: "Numb" by Linkin Park]
Shinji? I'm opening the door.
Listen: Things might be confusing now,
but I just want you to know that everything you did today was a good thing.
Look, once you start school tomorrow, you'll realize all the good piloting the Eva has done.
Alright?
And that's for piloting that stupid robot!
What did I do?
You destroyed half my neighborhood!
And put his sister in the hospital.
That's right; and...
Wait, what?!
And that's for destroying half my neighborhood and putting my sister in the hospital!
I'm pretty sure he called your mom fat, too.
What? No, I didn't!
Ow!
Sorry about Toji; he can be a little cranky sometimes.
Why do I always end up as everyone's punching bag?
What did he just say?
He said your haircut looks unbelievably homo!
Oh, so we have a smartass here.
Alright, new kid, you got anything else smart to say to me?
Tell it to your friends! I bet they will find it really funny.
Hey, Toji?
Yeah?
Knock, knock.
So that Shinji kid's the new pilot of the Eva, huh?
Shut up!
Did you know that the Eva's equipped with a giant M34 mini-gun as its main--
I said shut up!
No, Toji, you gotta hear this!
Hey, Kensuke, remember when I said that I was pretty desperate for the toilet?
Mhmm.
I told you once that I get pee-shy around people?
Mhmm.
So why the hell are you standing right next to me when I'm trying to take a piss?!
Because it's easier to talk?
Don't look at me.
Don't speak to me.
Don't breathe my air.
Not. A. Fucking. Word.
I can see your weiner.
Oh my god!
So, I heard Shinji got punched by a fellow classmate.
And you're telling me this because?
You didn't tell him anything that could provoke other people, did you?
Why would you think that?
Hey, Rei, knock, knock.
Oh, come on! It was a joke!
And I thought Shinji was the child...
Speaking of which, how'd your date with the commander go?
[sigh] Do you really have to ask?
Have sex with me.
No.
Have sex with me.
No.
Have sex with me.
No.
Have sex with me, please?
Fine!
Oops.
Luckily, the bullet just grazed my arm.
Tough break.
Sometimes I wonder how this organization is run.
Don't worry; even the commander takes orders from the top brass in the UN.
I'm sure that they're coming up with a plan we can't even begin to imagine.
We have a giant robot!
Giant robot good!
I like giant robot!
Oh my god!
My hands are glued to my face again!
Gentlemen, if we can get back on track, please...
As I was saying, Mr. Ikari,
can you explain your thinking behind giving a multi-billion dollar robot to your son
only to have him destroy half the city?
Fuyutsuki did it.
Irrelevant!
Just remember for now that the true objective behind SEELE
is the completion of the Human Instrumentality Project.
The human instrument what now?
The Human Instrumentality Project!
You've lost me.
This! This document we've been discussing for the past hour!
Ohh!! THIS thing..
You have no idea what you're looking at.
No, I do not.
Enough! It seems like the 4th Angel has arrived.
Mr. Ikari, you know what to do.
Of course I do! I just have one question:
What's an Angel?
Object detected in Zone 5.
Run an analysis and change all alert levels to red.
Where's Shinji?
Running away.
Someone get him back NOW!
Analysis pattern confirmed blue.
It's--
It's an Angel!
It's an Angeru!
It's an Angel!
It's a Gundam!
Will you all shut up?! Look at it!
Everyone knows it's a frickin Angel!
Way to be a buzz-kill, Misato.
Yeah, we were just trying to have a bit of fun.
You'd be a lot cooler if you just joined in.
We are in the middle of a red level alert!
[mocking] I'm Colonel Misato Katsuragi and I can't have any fun 'cause I always have a stick up my ass!
Fine! FINE!
If it'll get you all to shut up, I'll do it!
It's a--
The Angel's breached Level 3!
Apha Team is currently engaging the enemy.
Colonel, we need orders now!
You. Mother. FUCKER!
Misato, we don't have time for this.
[grunt] Alright. What's the status of the missing pilot?
Please! Don't make me go back in there, NO!!
Pilot secured.
Okay, Makoto, I need you to prep the system for an Eva launch.
Got it.
Ibuki, contact Delta Team and tell them to be on standby.
Roger.
Alpha Team, I need a status report.
[gibberish]
What the hell was that?
I believe that was the status report.
I fucking know what it was! That was a rhetorical ques--
You know what? Forget it.
Shinji, are you ready to launch?
No!
Brilliant. Launch!
AAAHHHH!!!
The Eva's reached the surface.
Okay, Shiji, you need to carefully aim for the heart. Keep calm, concentrate, and--
RRRAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
Shinji is currently fleeing the Angel attack.
That's near the civilian center!
Has anyone seen where Toji and Kensuke have gone?
I think they went outside a while ago.
What on Earth could they still be doing?
JUST HOW LONG CAN YOU PEE FOR?!
But I was just about to get to the Eva's armor specs.
Alright, screw this; I'm going to pee outside.
Wait, Toji! You really shouldn't be going outside.
You shut up! Give me one good reason I shouldn't go outside right now!
AAAHH!!!!
Shinji's classmates?
What the hell are they doing here?
I just wanted to pee!
We can't get civilians involved in this battle; we have to retreat.
Jesus, alright!
Get it down!
Is she talking to us?
No, I'm talking to those trees right beside you--
WHO DO YOU THINK I'M TALKING TO?!
I recommend we go with evacuation plan B.
Agreed.
Delta Team, I need you to provide covering fire.
Can you make it in time?
[gibberish]
Screw this, Shigeru! What's the ETA for reinforcements?
[gibberish]
What the hell is going on here?!
We have to get them out of there now!
Run away!
[gibberish]
Shut up! Shinji, I know I told you you don't have to run away anymore, but we need you to--
YYAAAAAAHHH!!!!
Oh fuck everything!
The Eva's power cable's been cut!
You have 30 seconds of operational time left.
Okay, nobody panic!
We're all going to die!
20 seconds.
AAAAAHHHH!!!!
Hey, new kid, you mind if I take a leak in here?
AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
15 seconds!
Humanity is dying and all I can think about is how I don't give a fuck.
80 seconds!
You need to take charge of everyone.
Can you get off my ass for one second?!
Negative 47 seconds!
Can someone please tell me what's going on?
I have a boner.
10 seconds remaining.
10 seconds??
10,
9,
Everyone, shut up for a second!
7,
Can we all just calm down?!
5,
Why is nobody listening to me?!
AAAHHHH!!!!
3, 2, 1!
Angel destroyed...
Everyone ready your battle stations!
Fuyutsuki, fetch me my victory sandwich! I finally know what an Angel is!
What'd I miss?