FOLKS, IT IS DAY THREE OF RUSSIA WEEK HERE AT THE LATE SHOW.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).
>> Stephen: ONE OF THE REASONS I WENT TO RUSSIA IS BECAUSE THEY
HAVE A STRONG MAN AS A LEADER AND WE HAVE A MAN WHO WOULD LIKE
TO SEEM STRONG.
AND IF HE SUCCEEDS, IF WE'RE LIVING UNDER A STRONG MAN,
RUSSIA HAS PROVEN THAT THE BEST THING TO BE IS AN OLIGARCH,
WHICH IS RUSSIAN FOR RICH GUY, DON'T ASK WHERE HIS MONEY CAME
FROM.
SEE, THIS IS HOW THINGS WORK OVER IN RUSSIA.
OVER THERE THE POLITICAL SYSTEM IS CONTROLLED BY WEALTHY ELITES
WHO BUY INFLUENCE AND PULL STRINGS OF THE GOVERNMENT.
WHEREAS IN AMERICA, WE SPEAK ENGLISH.
THE OLIGARCHS, THE OLIGARCHS ARE BUSINESS FRIENDS OF VLADIMIR
PUTIN WHO WERE GIVEN SWEETHEART DEALS TO BUY STATE OWNED
RESOURCES AFTER THE COLLAPSE OF THE SOVIET UNION.
I WAS HOPING TO MEET ONE AND ALSO TO NOT DIE.
AND WE FOUND THE PERFECT GUY.
MIKHAIL PROKHOROV.
JIM?
>> Stephen: IN 1995, MIKHAIL PROKHOROV, A FRIEND OF VLADIMIR
PUTIN, STRUCK GOLD-- IN THIS CASE NICKEL-- BECAUSE HE WAS
ALLOWED TO BUY A STATE OWNED NICKEL MINING CONGLOMERATE FOR
JUST PENNIES ON THE NICKEL.
12 YEARS LATER, THE HIGH FLYING BACHELOR HIGH FLEW IN HIS
PRIVATE JET TO A FRENCH SKI RESORT TO PARTY WITH 20 RUSSIAN
MODELS WHO THE FRENCH POLICE CLAIMED WERE PROSTITUTES, SO
THEY ARRESTED HIM FOR "LE HUMAN TRAFFICKING."
HE WAS NEVER CHARGED, BUT IT WAS SO SCANDALOUS THAT REPORTEDLY
PUTIN FORCED HIM TO SELL HIS SHARE OF THE NICKEL MINE
RIIIIIGHT BEFORE THE WORLD ECONOMY DROVE OFF A CLIFF.
SO LUCKY MICKY HERE ENDS UP WITH MORE THAN $9 BILLION.
HE HAS A JET, AND A YACHT SO BIG IT HAS ITS OWN YACHT.
HE ENJOYS PARTYING IN IBIZA, HELI-SKIING AND MAKING ROCK
VIDEOS OF HIMSELF DOING JET SKI TRICKS.
HE RAN FOR PRESIDENT IN 2012, BUT HE LOST TO PUTIN.
WHICH SOME SAY WAS THE PLAN THE WHOLE TIME.
THAT'S DOING A BRO A SOLID.
HE'S PALS WITH JAY-Z BECAUSE HE OWNS THE BROOKLYN NETS, THE
WORST BASKETBALL TEAM IN THE WORLD.
PROKHOROV STANDS 6'8", AND DID I MENTION FRIENDS WITH PUTIN?
FOR SOME REASON HE INVITED ME TO HIS HOUSE OUTSIDE MOSCOW.
AND FOR SOME REASON I WENT.
MIKHAIL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR TALKING TO ME TODAY.
>> MY PLEASURE.
CAN I CALL YOU STEVE?
>> Stephen: YES.
>> IF YOU SAID NO, YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> Stephen: THAT'S HILARIOUS.
OKAY.
TELL ME HOW TO OLIGARCH?
OKAY, GREAT.
AGAIN FUNNY JOKE, IS IT A JOKE?
>> NOBODY KNOWS, IN RUSSIA.
>> THAT'S THE FUNNY PART.
W WHAT'S YOUR WEIRD QUIRK?
WHAT'S YOUR ECCENTRIC THING WHERE PEOPLE GO THAT'S COOL HE
IS A BILLIONAIRE.
DO YOU, LIKE, GROW OUT YOUR NAILS REALLY LONG?
NO?
THAT'S—- >> NO.
>> Stephen: THAT SEEMS FINE.
DO YOU, LIKE, SAVE YOUR BODILY FLUIDS IN JARS?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE EXOTIC PETS?
LIKE A PET RHINO?
>> I WATCH RERUNS OF THE GOOD WIFE, THAT'S ABOUT ALL.
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE BEST THING TO OWN IF YOU'RE SUPER
RICH?
DO YOU HAVE A YACHT?
>> JUST A PIECE OF ADVICE FOR YOU, STEVE.
DON'T BE ATTACHED TO THINGS.
BE FREE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
BUT YOU DO HAVE A YACHT, RIGHT?
>> YES, I HAVE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
DO YOU HAVE A JET?
>> BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE HECK IT IS.
>> Stephen: YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR YACHT IS?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.
DO YOU HAVE A SPORTS TEAM?
>> ONLY BROOKLYN NETS.
>> Stephen: MORE LIKE THE BROOKLYN NYETS!
RIGHT?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: UP TOP!
DON'T LEAVE ME HANGIN'!
COME ON!
THANKS.
NOW YOU'RE SINGLE.
WHAT'S A NICE, SUCCESSFUL, HANDSOME GUY LIKE YOU DOING
SINGLE?
THERE'S GOT TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO'D LIKE TO
MARRY AN OLIGARCH.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
HAVE YOU JUST NOT FOUND THE RIGHT GIRL AND 19 OF HER
FRIENDS?
>> I THINK IT'S NOT EASY.
>> Stephen: ARE THERE LADYGARCHS?
>> I'VE NEVER MET ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU'VE NEVER MET ONE?
>> NEVER IN MY LIFE.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU TRIED TINDER?
>> NOT YET.
>> Stephen: LET ME SET UP YOUR TINDER PROFILE.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS, OKAY.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR IN A WIFE?
WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO YOU?
>> LOVE.
>> Stephen: LOVE.
>> ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE, STEPHEN.
>> Stephen: AND $9 BILLION.
ALRIGHT, WE NEED TO PUT A LINE TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF.
I'M GONNA PUT DOWN, "I MADE MY FORTUNE MINING, BUT I HAVEN'T
FOUND MY GEM."
THEY'RE GONNA MELT.
HOBBIES?
LET'S SEE, HOBBIES. I'LL PUT DOWN WATCHING HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE
BASKETBALL, OLIGARCHING YOU'RE GONNA BE BEATING THEM OFF WITH A
STICK.
WE'RE GONNA FIND YOU THE RIGHT GIRL.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: MIKHAIL, IF IT'S POSSIBLE I WOULD LOVE TO GET A
TOUR OF YOUR HOUSE.
>> MY PLEASURE.
>> Stephen: SHALL WE?
>> SURE WE HAVE NO SECRET ROOMS HERE.
>> Stephen: I DIDN'T ASK THAT WHICH IS ODD.
IS THIS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS?
OH, THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.
OKAY, WHAT IS THIS?
YOU SAID THERE WERE NO SECRET ROOMS.
>> IT'S NOT SECRET.
>> Stephen: IT'S NOT A SECRET?
>> IT'S JUST ANOTHER DOOR.
>> Stephen: WHAT IS THIS?
>> IT'S KALASHNIKOV.
>> Stephen: AK-47 CAN I JUST STAND-- JUST ME-- A PICTURE OF
ME AND AN OLIGARCH HOLDING AN AK-47?
EVENTUALLY WHEN I'M BROUGHT UP BEFORE THE HAGUE I WANT TO LOOK
NICE.
OH, JAPANESE THROWING STARS.
>> NO, IT'S OLIGARCH THROWING STARS.
>> Stephen: OH, IT'S OLIGARCH THROWING STARS.
EVERY EIGHTH GRADE BOY IS LIKE, "WHEN I GROW UP, I'M GONNA HAVE
A SECRET ROOM BEHIND A WALL AND I'M GONNA HAVE JAPANESE THROWING
STARS AND A AK-47 AND BIG PICTURES OF NAKED LADIES.
I'M GONNA HAVE A JET AND A BOAT I DON'T EVEN USE."
THAT'S LIKE-- THAT'S LIKE-- THAT'S-- THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
YOU'RE LIVING THE PERFECT LIFE OF AN EIGHTH GRADE BOY.
OKAY, MIKHAIL DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU PUT THE OTHER ONE?
OH, THIS IS A NICE KITCHEN, LOVELY.
>> YEAH, AND I WANT YOU-- TO SHOW AND TO TASTE OLIGARCH
SNACK.
>> Stephen: OLIGARCH SNACK?
LIKE CAVIAR?
>> BOLOGNA.
>> Stephen: SO YOUR SNACK IS BALOGNA ARE YOU SURE YOU ARE
NOT AN 8-YEAR-OLD BOY?
>> I'M SURE.
>> Stephen: THESE ARE EXTRAORDINARY.
>> IT'S FOR SAUNA.
>> Stephen: THIS IS THE BIGGEST YARMULKE I HAVE EVER SEEN.
IT'S THE COOLEST HAT THERE IS, BECAUSE WE'RE OLIGARCHS.
IT'S NOT A DUMB HAT AT ALL.
CAN WE TOUCH, CAN WE TOUCH THE TIPS?
NOT A LOT OF MEN ARE COMFORTABLE DOING THAT.
OH, THIS IS NICE, YOU HAVE PHOTOGRAPHS OF SOME OF YOUR
FAVORITE BOATING ACCIDENTS, THAT'S GOOD.
JUST TO REMIND YOURSELF- "BE CAREFUL."
OKAY, LET'S THROW SOME PIES ON AND DO THIS.
>> NO, NO, ITS VERY TRADITIONAL, THIS IS NOT FOR YOU, IT'S FOR
SIMPLE PEOPLE, NOT FOR OLIGARCHS.
>> Stephen: ARE YOU AFRAID I WILL OUT-BENCH YOU?
>> NO, NO, FOR YOU I HAVE SPECIAL EQUIPMENT NOT HERE,
ANOTHER PLACE.
>> Stephen: I AGREED TO GO SEE THIS "SPECIAL EQUIPMENT," BUT
FIRST I DITCHED MY SUIT FOR A NEW RELAXED OLIGARCH LOOK.
WE HEADED OFF TO A PRIVATE SCHOOL MIKHAIL BUILT SO HE COULD
PRACTICE AN ANCIENT, OBSCURE BUT DEADLY, TIBETAN MARTIAL ART
CALLED "TESCAO."
SO I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE TO KILL ANYBODY?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: GOOD.
AND YOU WOULD TELL ME IF I DID RIGHT BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS?
>> SURE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
BECAUSE I'M NOT SAYING THAT I WOULDN'T I JUST DON'T KNOW HOW
TO.
I'M NEW TO THIS.
TURNS OUT THIS "TESCAO" PLACE IS THE WORLD'S MOST EXPENSIVE TREE
FORT.
DESIGNED TO THE HIGHEST TESCAO SPECIFICATIONS.
FILLED WITH THINGS LIKE THIS, THAT DO SOMETHING-- ONE ASSUMES.
THIS IS THE COOLEST GYMBOREE I'VE EVER BEEN TO, WHAT TIME IS
YOUR MOM PICKING YOU UP?
>> TO BE AN OLIGARCH YOU NEED TO HAVE BALANCE AND TO FOR THE
BALANCE, I MEAN OLIGARCH BALANCE YOU NEED BALLS.
>> Stephen: THOSE I HAVE, MY FRIEND.
YOU ARE JUST MAKING THIS UP RIGHT?
THIS IS COOL, IT LOOKS LIKE DR. SEUSS' SEX DUNGEON.
YOU'LL GET IT.
I NOTICED THE FLOOR IN THIS TESCAO TRAINING ROOM IS NOT
EVEN, WHY IS THAT?
>> YOU ARE OLIGARCH NOW YOU ARE COMFORTABLE IN ANY SITUATION.
>> Stephen: OH, I SEE.
I GOT TO RELAX AND JUST SAY THIS IS HOW IT IS, AND IT DOESN'T
BOTHER ME THAT IT LOOKS LIKE THE ARCHITECT WAS SMOKING WEED.
COME ON YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME SOMETHING.
>> GREAT.
>> Stephen: TESCAO!
(
FULL COLBERT?
WHAT YOU DO IS YOU ON YOUR BACK AND RELAX YOUR ARMS AND LEGS AND
SEE HOW LONG YOU CAN HOLD IT.
BUT YOU HAVE TO BREATHE, THOUGH.
YOU HAVE GET BREATHING I COULD GO FOR SOME OF THAT BOLOGNA.
I THOUGHT I'D SEEN EVERYTHING.
BUT THEN THE GIANT RUSSIAN OLIGARCH ORDERED ME UNDERGROUND.
OKAY, AND WHAT IS DOWN THERE BEFORE I GO DOWN THERE?
>> YOU ARE OLIGARCH YOU ARE NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING.
>> Stephen: OKAY, WHATEVER I AM GOING DOWN.
THIS IS WHERE THE CHUCK E.
CHEESE TURNED INTO THE DANGER ZONE.
WELCOME TO THE RED ROOM OF PAIN.
>> STEVE, THIS IS LETHAL STAR.
YOU CAN HIT THIS IN SOMEONE AND TRY AND HIT THEM IN THE NECK.
KEEP IT.
I SHOW YOU.
>> Stephen: THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS GOING FOR.
>> Stephen: ALRIGHT HERE IS THE SCENARIO, SOMEBODY IS COMING UP
BEHIND ME AND TRYING TO TAKE MY OLIGARCHY AWAY, BUT THEY DON'T
KNOW THAT I AM TRAINED IN TESCAO.
OKAY, I AM THEIR WORST NIGHTMARE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I HAVE MY
STARS, WATCH OUT.
>> EXCELLENT.
>> Stephen: TESCAO!
I WANT SOMETHING BIGGER AND SHARPER.
OH, YEAH.
>> WHAT'S THAT?
>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE ADVICE?
>> JUST THROW.
>> Stephen: JUST THROW IT, OKAY.
LEFT FOOT FORWARD, RIGHT FOOT FORWARD.
>> ANY PLACE.
>> Stephen: ANY PLACE.
ALRIGHT THERE IS NO TRAINING AT ALL?
>> BE NATURAL.
(
TESCAO IN THE ENTIRE WORLD?
>> MAXIMUM MAYBE 25.
>> Stephen: 25.
SO I AM IN THE TOP 25 PRACTITIONERS OF TESCAO IN THE
WORLD?
>> YOU ARE IN THE TOP THREE FOR SURE.
>> Stephen: TESCAO!
HOW OFTEN DO YOU DO THIS?
>> EVERYDAY.
>> Stephen: THIS IS YOUR BILLIONAIRE THING!
REMEMBER SAID IS THERE ONE CRAZY THAT YOU DO THAT NO BODY ELSE
DOES, THAT SEEMS NORMAL BECAUSE YOU ARE A BILLIONAIRE.
THIS IS IT!
YOU HAVE A CLUB HOUSE PAINTED IN DR. SEUSS COLORS IT HAS A
DUNGEON IN IT WHERE YOU THROW AXES AT THE WALL.
YOU ARE AN HONEST TO GOD OLIGARCH!
>> ARE YOU SURE?
>> Stephen: I AM POSITIVE.
I WANT IN.
>> NOW YOU ARE ON BOARD.
>> Stephen: TOTALLY ON BOARD.
>> TOTALLY ON BOARD.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
I NEED SOME BOLOGNA.
SOME BALANCE OWNEE AM THANK YOU, MIKHAIL, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
SHOWING ME HOW TO BE AN OLIGARCH AND FOR THE COOL HAT.