Please. Please stay still. Please.
Please. My heart can't take it.
Hello, little buns! It is Stef, welcome back to my home.
If you are a new viewer, I am a transgender woman and I like to document my experiences
and talk about my experiences and just trans issues in general here on this channel quite frequently
and I just recently
have entered a relationship, and it's fantastic. That's not what I'm gonna
talk about really, but it's made me reflect a little bit on my past experiences
and I want to talk about men who date trans women, and I want... I don't know what I want.
But I want to talk about it and you're gonna - you're gonna hear me if you decide to listen.
It's whatever, whatever you want. You know what I mean? Just do what you want.
There is a very common and very
obvious stigma towards men that date trans women
and... it's ridiculous
It's ridiculous! I - I don't know what else to say.
I mean - There's - I have a lot to say. That's not even true. I just lied to you.
I think the reason the stigma exists is because people are concerned about masculinity.
Masculinity is kind of this thing that's upheld as this, you know -
real important, super Thing that you should all try to obtain, right.
And femininity is just frivolous and stupid and like
why would you want that? You know what I mean? Like, whatever.
All it's about is, like, cars and clothes and boobs, like... *tongue click*
Clearly.
And I think, the most common - the most common thing
especially other men say to men who are dating trans women is
they imply that they're gay or, you know
Something along those lines.
That because this man is dating a trans woman
he must be super feminine and gay
and, like - he's a - like, that's what's being implied.
And I've even seen people who are quote, unquote "queer allies"
Like, people that are "good with the gays"
insult men that date trans women
on the basis that it makes them feminine.
Which is absurd, and ridiculous.
You might as well tell a man who dates a cis woman that's a little bit butch
that maybe doesn't wear makeup every day, or something
that he's also gay because his - his girlfriend doesn't wear makeup
or, she looks a bit like a dude in some lighting.
Like, what is going on here? You know what I mean?
Why is it that only trans women are considered a threat to masculinity
instead of masculine women?
Like, why is it that super feminine trans women
are the problem here?
Why is anybody a problem here?
If we're going to go off of, you know
the whole, you know
"if you have sex with a penis then you're gay" thing.
Here's my - here's my problem with that line of thinking.
Is - you know, if you're attracted to sombody
it's not because of the genitals, it's because of their gender
Well, not because of their gender
but their gender is typically the factor that limits your attraction
And, given that trans women are women,
it follows that people attracted to women will be attracted to them
regardless of their genitals
because, the fact is, you don't see that other person's genitals
until you're already ready to get sleeping with them
And I'm not here to talk about sex with trans people.
I'm not here to talk about when to disclose that you have a dick
and all of this stuff
I am literally here to tell you about men that date trans women
and how they're not gay.
Okay? You know what I mean?
Is a gay man straight if he dates a man
that looks really feminine?
No. He's gay. Cause he's dating a man.
Is a straight woman a lesbian
if she dates a woman that looks really masculine?
Er, wait. *laughs* If she dates a dude that looks really feminine.
Is she straight? Is she gay? Woah. Hold on.
You know what? I'm getting confused.
The bottom line is
no matter what you look like
Literally, it's so simple. People overthink it so much.
People overthink it so, so, sososo much.
They're like, well, you know
obviously, you look like a woman and you present like a woman and you're living your life as a woman and you ARE a woman
BUT YOU HAVE A DICK
Therefore, your boyfriend's gay
And it's like, you are thinking about this way too much.
Slow down.
Chill out.
Okay?
You can stop at "because you're a woman."
That's where you can stop.
You don't need to go on this "but, but, but, but" thing.
You don't need to add the "but," okay?
The "but" doesn't need to be there.
Because I am a woman,
the man that's dating me
is dating me in a not-gay relationship.
I - Like -
*sighs and clicks tongue*
If you guys missed, or if you haven't watched my videos before
if you missed the last couple videos
the boyfriend in question is Ty Turner.
He has a YouTube channel himself.
You can check that on the link I'll put in the description box
Promo-ing the bae, you know what I mean?
Whatever. It's all good.
He is also trans, and I find...
I don't see as much - now, I haven't asked him about this
But, it-it could be there, I just don't, I haven't seen it.
I don't see as much people saying that I'm a lesbian
for being with him?
But I DO see a lot of people saying that he's gay because he's with me.
Which doesn't, like...
If you're gonna be mean to one trans person, why aren't you being mean to both trans people?
I don't - I don't understand.
I don't get it.
I think a lot of people don't realize that he's trans.
I don't know.
I don't know what to tell you. Lord, have mercy.
Back on the main topic for a bit here, though.
It's like my past experiences with men
A lot of them would feel... ashamed?
Or... like I wasn't a serious option.
BECAUSE of this stigma around dating trans women as a man.
There is this idea that trans women, you know
You can't take them home to mama.
You know, um.. They're unstable.
They're, you know, um.. mentally unwell.
You know. They're... And-And all of these things!
Like, if you're mentally unwell, you're still datable.
Like, what the fuck is that.
But it's just all of these little things are kind of
piled onto this conCEPT
This conCEPT!
This concept of trans women, this misconception, this misrepresentation of what we are
that we've seen in media for 10, 20, 30, 40 fucking years.
of, you know -
If - even if - if you look at Law & Order Special Victims Unit season 1
pretty much every single episode has a trans sex worker
played by a dude with a beard
And it purely is there just because, like -
Look at that freak. You know?
Look at that weird person
That is what people still see as that sometimes
and I think that's where the stigma comes from
and I think that's where we need to go to get rid of it.
We need to get rid of this idea that trans women are men
because we are not.
We're not.
Wha-
I don't know how else to explain this.
I don't know.
And it's not even our appearances that don't make us men
or DO make us men, for what -
You know. It's not how you look that defines your gender.
It is literally just a part of your being
It is part of who you are, and it's not something that I feel
I need to explain.
It's like me trying to ask, you know, a cis person..
Like - for example.
Let's say you're a cis guy
and your friend is a cis guy.
You're dating a trans woman
and your friend is picking on you for it,
saying that you must be gay.
Because she has a penis.
Also, he's assuming she has a penis.
She might have a vagina, but, you know.
He didn't bother to ask.
It's also none of his business.
But your friend is saying this to you
and you tell him
What were you gonna tell him? I forget my whole analogy.
Shit.
*lip smack*
Well, I lost that train of thought.
I'm representing myself so well right now.
I don't look scatterbrained or clueless at all.
I look so intelligent.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I just don't really know how to make this any - any simpler
than trans women are women
therefore, people that date them are dating women.
So, a man, a straight man, dating a trans woman is not gay.
A lesbian dating a trans woman is gay.
They're not straight. They're not dating a man.
If you were dating a trans woman, you're dating a woman.
And that is the bottom line and that really is all I have to say.
That's all that people need to understand.
And I think a lot of the reason people don't understand that
is because of the way we've been portrayed in media in the past.
And the ways that we're conflated with drag culture
and things like that.
And there is some overlap?
But it's so miniscule. It's so small. It's so small.
We're not - We're not wearing a costume.
And I think another thing that's contributed to this idea
that trans women are really men
is also the fact that trans women are constantly played by dudes in movies and on TV.
So, you see, for example -
And it was Jen Richards that kind of outlined this in a twitter thread.
She is fantastic. I highly recommend you follow her.
I will put a link to her twitter in the description box.
But she said, um - I'm paraphrasing this.
But, you know, you see Jared Leto playing a trans character in a movie.
And then you see him go onstage to accept the award with a beard and a tuxedo.
And I think a lot of people see that and think, oh, yeah, that's what trans women are.
Is a role. It's an act. A performance
And that's not the case.
That is what makes us different from drag queens, for example.
Unless, you know, you're a trans woman who does drag.
But that's not really super, super common.
It's that drag is a performance, it is a costume, it is a role, it is an act.
It's a job. It's an expression.
It's not... you.
You know. It can be a very big part of who you are, just like
me being a YouTuber is a big part of who I am.
But YouTuber is not my gender. You know what I mean?
There was another thing that I thought was really profound that I think Laverne Cox said
and, again, I'm paraphrasing this
but I believe she said something like
"Loving a trans person is a revolutionary act."
And that is very much true right now.
Ooh, I just got hit in the face with emotions.
It's - so like - oh my gosh.
There are a lot of times when I used to think that I would never
be able to experience the simple relationship things
that I wanted to experience.
Because, a lot of the time, especially early in transition
I got into this headspace where I thought I would always be a secret, or a mistress or something
and I was never a mistress to my knowledge, but. I'm just. It's this - the train of thought.
And that's a dirty, shameful feeling that it brought me.
And now, to be in a relationship where I am able to walk down the street holding hands
and go on dates and just be cute very publicly
That has changed everything.
And I don't know if I've ever really explained that before?
But it is a revolutionary act to love a trans person
not only in the grand scheme of things, but to that - that single person as well
given they also reciprocate your feelings, otherwise it just might be creepy. I don't know.
I think one way to conquer this misconception about trans women as unlovable
You know, circus freaks, or whatever you wanna explain them as
is by literally countering it with your actions
And I'm not saying you should go out and find a trans person to date, cause that's kinda weird.
But, if you happen to be interested in a trans person
and that is reciprocated and, you know, you are in a relationship
I want you to know that
It's not that I'm impressed that you're attracted to somebody
It's not that, it's that if you have the awareness to understand the climate
the social and political climate that we're in right now in North America
and, really, in the entire world that effaces trans women
and you are still willing to go on dates with us and hold our hand and stuff
and you understand that that is not the usual, that's not common?
I don't know, I don't want it to - I feel like I'm making it sound like we're, like
super pitiful or something and we need your attention. That's not what I'm trying to say.
I'm just trying to say that I appreciate strong, good allies
Especially ones that are romantically involved
I don't know how to explain this.
It feels like I'm trying to be like, "You need to date trans people."
*lip smack* Better call Arielle, y'all.
Better call her. I'm talking shit, apparently.
What I - I guess I'm just saying, like
You know, in the face of videos like that
In the face of videos that Arielle might put up, for example with Jaclyn
where they're basically saying that trans women are not women
which is great, because Jaclyn like, said to my face
she loved my videos at VidCon and I was like, okay. Like.
You literally talk shit towards trans people all day, but okay, fine.
In the face of something like that, for you to be, for example a woman
uh, a lesbian woman dating a trans woman
and for you to be online doing that, and for you to be very public with that
is... That requires strength?
Because people are gonna hunt you down, they're gonna hurt you, they're gonna yell at you for it.
Because you're not subscribing to their worldview.
Or subscribing to their view, their misguided false view that trans women are not women.
And that's just bullshit.
And I am very glad and very grateful for the people who are able to see that, experience it
and still be strong in their conviction to their relationship
and be faithful to their partner and all this stuff.
And I hope this isn't weird or awkward. Oh my god.
I hope this isn't innapropriate. But, uh
There is a YouTuber here on YouTube
Wow. Who woulda guessed, a YouTuber on YouTube? Holy shit.
Holy shit, guys!
Named Fiona, and she makes wonderful entertaining videos.
She's a sweetheart, I met her in person several times.
She's the most wonderful, wonderful, wonderful soul.
And she recently was the target of some very target - like, some very - just, fuckin'
inaccurate hate videos, and - and harrassment online
because she's dating a trans woman.
*laughs in disbelief* I - I think that is vile.
And what I would like is for all of you to go check out her videos
and leave some support.
Subscribe, if you like her videos.
I would love for you to go there, show some love
because she has had some shit recently and she did not deserve it, and she's fantastic
and while you're at it, you should also go check out Riley Dennis, who is her girlfriend
Makes great videos, super informative.
And everybody does not really -
Like, people have this conception of Riley that's just not true
And just - go watch her videos and you'll understand that she's fantastic, thank youuu.
*inhales*
Please go check out Fiona and Riley, they're fantastic and I - I love them to death.
I guess this wasn't really just about men who date trans women, but just people that date trans women.
So, I guess thank you if you are.. you know.
Secure enough in yourself to publicly date trans people
Which sounds kind of pitiful, I shouldn't have to thank you for, you know.
Thinking we're worthy or something. I - That's not really what I'm trying to communicate.
I hope you understand what I'm trying to communicate.
I'm gonna - I'm gonna end it here. *laughs*
Thank you so much for hanging out with me.
Until next time, just remember that you are worthy of love and, you know. Uh, appreciation
and, uh, you know. Um... favors and stuff?
I don't know, just whatever happens in a relationship.
That kind of thing.
You are worthy of that. And if you want it, you will get it one day.
I promise you, it is not unattainable.
Everybody - Everybody is deserving of love.
And you will get it, I promise.
I love you so much, I will see you soon.
Byeee!! *kisses*