The sad fact about life on Earth
is that the majority of people, and I mean the vast majority,
feel trapped in their life,
overwhelmed, stressed.
But most people are not consciously aware of the underlying cause
of these negative feelings in their life.
The underlying cause is:
feeling like they have to do things
they don't want to do.
Before I explain this pattern in depth,
I'm gonna have to throw you into a universal truth;
To do this, I'm gonna have to walk you way out on a limb here.
The universal truth is that there is no such thing
as having to do something.
You could decide to walk out your front door,
throw the keys down a sewage grate,
leave your car where it is forever,
walk to a different country and not tell anyone where you've gone
and live an entirely different life.
To get even more aggressive,
you could decide and never get out of bed in the morning.
When you have to use the bathroom,
you could just crap and pee all over yourself.
You could never get up to eat.
You could simply wait for death to find you
That's actually something that a person has the freewill to be able to do.
You need to realize that you have free will
and that is something that no one can take away from you.
What they can do,
is escalate the consequences
for whatever you choose to do with your freewill.
If someone has a knife to your throat,
demanding that they want something or you'll die,
that's actually a choice that you can make.
You can make the choice to be like, okay, I guess that I choose to die.
However, most people aren't going to choose this.
Because most people want to live,
most people are going to choose to give them what they want.
Here's the problem though,
if we find ourselves in this kind of situation
we don't tell the story of:
"I consciously chose to give them what they want because I want to live".
We tell the story:
"I had to give them what they wanted,
they made me".
We disowned our free will.
Now we do this, of course,
because we don't want the pressure and the responsibility
of having done something "wrong".
Every single decision you make,
without exception,
is going to come with a consequence.
It's not personal.
The universe isn't doing this to you.
What it is, is that you live in a universe,
where one of the basic laws is cause-and-effect.
It's quite literally that simple.
Now it's usually these potential consequences
that cause us to decide
to do something we don't want to do.
Now in this minute,
a split occurs within our consciousness
between the part of us that says "yes" to doing that thing
and it part of us that says "no" to doing that thing.
In other words, a split within you
between the part of you that doesn't want to do that thing
and the part of you that does want to do it,
in order to avoid consequences specifically.
The thing is, this immediately makes that thing a "have to",
instead of a "want to".
We feel like we "have to" do something
anytime we are wanting to avoid a consequence,
rather than doing something
so as to create something we genuinely want.
We are trained from a very early age
that doing what we want
is self-centered, selfish, takes away from the social group
and makes us bad.
On the other hand,
we are greatly rewarded
when we self-sacrifice,
when we lay aside what we want
for the sake of what other people want from us,
this crosses our wires.
We believe there's virtue in "have to"
and that the only life that is right,
is one entirely made up of "have to's",
duty and obligation.
To understand more about this pattern,
watch my video titled:
The Freedom / Connection Split within Humanity
I don't know if you've noticed this,
but "have to" is a great way within society
to avoid social consequences.
Let's say that somebody invites you to a party.
Now it's not acceptable be like:
"I don't want to go to your party. I'd rather go somewhere else."
This causes a rupture within the relationship.
So instead, we look at them in the face
and we say:
"Actually, I have to work instead."
Or "I have to go visit my mom instead."
It's always a "have to" that's used as an excuse
for why we choose to not do something.
If someone asks us to join him or her for an activity,
we say:
"I have to work",
when the truth is:
You don't "have to" work,
you want to work
because either you want an excuse to avoid them,
or it's a higher priority to keep your boss happy
than to see them
or you want money more,
or you're committed to your career
more than you want closeness with that person, for example.
The truth is, you have a higher priority.
Now for the sake of today's video,
I am much less concerned with the fact that you're lying to other people.
What I'm concerned with is that
you are lying to yourself.
You're buying the story
that your life is actually a "have to".
Anytime you tell the story or believed the story:
"I have to ___________",
you are losing your sense of free will and agency.
Now what happens, because most of us have adopted the strategy
of living according to "have to's"?
We have a life where
it's nothing but bills that "have to" be paid,
a partner we "have to" please,
kids we "have to" take care of,
dogs that need to be walked,
a gym we 'have to' go to,
healthy food we have to eat...
Sign me up.
We even turn things that were once a "want to" into a "have to".
This causes the pressure to build and build.
We feel stressed because not all parts of us
are on board with what we're doing.
We don't feel free.
We feel like a trapped slave in our own life.
Because of this,
I'm going to outline some suggestions
for what to do when you feel like you're in a position of "have to".
1.
How you speak
has the capacity to affect your psyche greatly.
And whatever your psyche is affected by,
your entire biology is affected by.
Therefore, we can make a very simple change,
which does a lot actually,
and that's anytime we are about to say "have to",
switch it to "want to".
Now for those of you that are worried this is inauthentic,
it is, kind of.
Let me explain;
This is going to mess with your brain.
It'll make you become conscious of the ways
you're in opposition to your own sense of free will
and why you are in that state of opposition.
You will be forced to face your actual feelings
about the things you're doing in your life
You'll be forced to acknowledge the truth within the universe,
that nothing is a have to.
It's also easier to feel and recognize
the parts of you that aren't on board with what you are doing.
if you're choosing to do something that you feel is a 'have to', say:
"I want to"
and ask yourself: Why? Why am I doing it?
For example,
let's say you have to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
In America, this is one of our least favorite things to do. The DMV.
I want to go to the DMV
is what you're gonna say.
You're gonna immediately feel that internal resistance that says:
"No, I don't."
But then you're gonna ask yourself: Why do I want to go to the DMV?
Alright, the reason I'm choosing
to go to the DMV,
is because I want the pressure off,
that I constantly feel when I look at my to-do list
and 'Reinstate Your License
is on the top of that list.
Saying "I want to"
connect you to your free will, your desires, values, motives and truth.
It will help you to see that you really shouldn't be doing
some of the things you are doing.
On top of this, "I have to"
is a word that the mind has a negative association with.
This will cause a negative feeling chemical release within the body,
which will in turn cause you to form a negative association
with whatever thing you're doing or considering doing
Saying the word "have to" relative to something,
decreases your motivation towards that thing every single time you say it.
And yes, this should answer for you why for so many of you,
the things you really want to do
have the tendency, once you turn them into a profession,
to become something you don't want to do anymore.
2. Remember that "have to"
is not a concept that exists within the universe at large.
~ Laughter ~
Therefore,
there is only "want" and "don't want".
When you find yourself in a situation
where you feel like you "have to",
you quite literally have one of two options;
The first is:
To find a way to not do it.
The second is:
To change that thing that you're doing or reframe it,
so you want to do it.
For example,
there is a sink full of dishes in the kitchen.
If you take the road of finding a way not to do it,
you could simply not do those dishes.
Let them sit there until you feel the desire to do them.
Even if that means the food rots and your house is disgusting.
You could swap days with your roommate.
You could pay a cleaner to come in
or you could invent a device that does it for you, for example.
If you take the road of changing it
or reframing the dishes into something you do want to do,
maybe you find a way to make the dishes
fit in with something else that you actually really do want.
For example,
if you're really motivated to practice present-moment meditation
the dishes could be a present moment meditation.
For more information about this brilliant strategy,
watch my video titled:
Priceless Motivation Tip (Find the Self-serving Motive)
You could also figure out what you hate about doing the dishes
and resolve those things
so it's a more pleasant activity.
You could focus on your desire to have a clean house
and how good it will feel to have a clear living space.
So suddenly doing the dishes is part of creating something you really want.
For example.
3.
Do parts work.
So as to create alignment
between these two opposed parts within yourself.
Remember we talked about the fact that when you feel like something's a "have to"
there's a part that wants to do it to avoid consequences,
and a part that really doesn't want to do it.
If you find a kind of harmony between these parts,
there's no longer going to be that internal resistance and conflict inside you.
This means you're looking for a decision or choice
that both of them can be on board with
and that create harmony between they're currently seemingly opposed desires.
To understand the basics about how to do this, watch my video titled:
Parts Work (What is Parts Work and How To Do It)
4. Take what you don't want to do
and mentally play out not doing it
as far as you possibly can.
By the way, you can choose to do this
with doing it, as well.
However, we often don't stare the devil in the face.
Instead, we kind of subconsciously feel
that there may be a consequence
and we run around operating according
to that loosely perceived consequence,
without being really consciously aware
of the reality of what that outcome looks like,
if we don't do something.
If we can't see the consequences of that choice,
we can't find ways to mitigate them.
And the part of us that's in resistance
to doing whatever it is we don't want to do,
can't be an active participant in the law of cause and effect.
It simply stays in an attitude of rebellion.
For example,
you don't want to go to work.
So imagine not going to work.
How do your colleagues react?
How does your boss react?
What happens when it comes time
that you have to pay bills and you quite literally can't?
You want to imagine the payoffs
and consequences of doing so,
as far as you want to play them out.
The unwanted parts of this experience,
will make you aware of what you really want to need.
Then you can ask:
"What are some other ways that I can get those needs and desires met?"
When you do this exercise,
you may just find your "have to" changing into a "want to".
5.
Remember that I said that we feel like we "have to" do something
anytime we're doing it to avoid a consequence
rather than to create something we really want?
This leaves the door wide open for us to pivot mentally.
What I mean by this,
is instead of focusing on what you want to avoid,
why don't you focus on what you want to create
and how this thing you "have to do"
fits into what you want to create, perfectly.
Why is doing this thing important?
How is doing this thing a part of the vision of what you want?
How is it good for you?
What will it accomplish?
Who is it helping?
What good Are you creating for yourself and/or others by doing it?
For example, going back to this analogy of dishes;
I may not at face-value
feel like doing the dishes accomplishes anything in life.
It's not really a contribution.
It doesn't have real deep meaning.
But if you choose to pivot,
you can look deeper.
If you clean those dishes,
those clean dishes become
what food is served on.
Food that when it is given to somebody,
nourishes them so that they can go out and do good in the world.
Connect whatever you are doing
to the good it does in your life
or in the world in general.
Basically find a personal meaningful "why"
behind doing what you choose to do.
Find a good enough because.
6.
This next suggestion here is going to flip it up on its head.
Everything that I have just given you so far
is the strategy for either not doing something
that you don't want to do,
or finding a way to want to do it.
Now this tip is a bit of a different direction.
But I want you to have it as a tool in your basket.
Something that professional athletes know,
that other people don't tend to know,
is that you can assign any meaning
you want to discomfort,
and that changes your entire
experience about whatever is making you uncomfortable.
The meaning we add to discomfort is absolutely everything.
Most people assign the meaning: "We need to stop,
or not do what we were doing" to discomfort.
This greatly limits your life.
It means when you're faced with the inevitable downside of things you want,
you might just give up or not do them.
This tool is to add different meaning
to the discomfort of doing what you don't want to do.
You could consider this the ultimate reframe.
for example, the burn in my muscles means I'm getting stronger.
The discomfort I feel doing this thing that not fun to me
means I'm developing self-discipline,
which makes me feel less out of control and more trusting of myself.
It's also very important
to question the meaning you are adding to this discomfort
you're feeling in the "have to".
Meaning can destroy your life.
For more information about this,
I want you to watch the video that it did titled:
Meaning, The Self Destruct Button
From there, simply change the meaning you are adding
to whatever discomfort that you're experiencing
in this unwanted "have to".
But here's the thing,
this tool must come with a warning.
All good tools can be used for positive or negative.
This one especially.
This particular tool can be used as a massive tool for suppression.
Life on this planet Earth
in this time space reality
is about expansion.
Expansion happens as a result of you following your desire.
This means it is not virtuous to do
what you don't want to be doing.
But here's the thing;
Following what you want, following your desires,
following what feels good,
is always going to also give rise to the unwanted.
This opens the door for things to become a "have to".
When you encounter these unwanted experiences,
you have the choice to take them off your plate.
Not do what you don't want to do,
or change them or your perception of them
so that you want them on your plate.
Turn them into something you want to do.
The unwanted can diminish your motivation and your inspiration.
However, motivation and inspiration
is not entirely out of your control.
You can live a motivated, inspired and fulfilling life,
if you change your life philosophy
from "I have to" - "I want to".
Have a good week.
Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte www.tanyaduarte.com