i want to share with you a quick activity i do with my clients
to help decrease anxiety and to increase the sense of safety and calm i use this activity all
the time in session with my clients and you can feel a noticeable difference almost immediately
so this activity is short and simple but it can really help decrease anxiety because what
it does is help you clarify what you can and what you can't act on because i mean
that's what worry is right i mean it's thinking about a problem over and over again to see if
there's a different solution or something you should be doing differently so this activity is
all about understanding your locus of control and it's really simple but you can use it with
lots of situations i use it in marriage therapy you can use it with understanding problems with
a co-worker or fears about the future but the important part is that you draw it out on paper
because there's something about drawing that helps the brain clarify problems and clear up
anxiety better than just thinking about problems so what you're going to do is
you're going to start by drawing two intersecting circles on a piece of paper like this
those are great circles and write your problem or your question at the top of the page
so in this situation we're going to be using the example of parents who are
upset that they have an adult child living at home and that kid is not motivated so
then in this circle you're going to label what is in your control and on the circle you're going to
label what's out of your control and this middle section this where the where the circles overlap
this is your realm of influence and we're going to talk about that more later okay
so let's start with what's out of your control so these parents they've got an adult child who's
living at home and they're frustrated that their kid isn't going to college doesn't have a job
and doesn't seem motivated and they are really frustrated so they're putting a lot of energy
into being upset about her lack of motivation and they keep trying to get her to change so if we
start with what's out of the parent's control they can't control whether their child is motivated
they can't control whether she gets a job they can't control whether she goes to college
they can't control if she goes to therapy and they really they can't control the
outcome they can't control whether in the long run their child is successful or not
right now what's in their control they are in control of their own
money they're in control of their own property right they can control their house and they
can they can choose if it's an adult child whether she can be in their house or not right
they can control their boundaries they can control what they say they can control what they do they
can control what skills they learn like if they learn parenting skills specifically parenting
skills for working with a young adult and they can control what they teach and how they teach
now let's talk about this realm of influence right so we there are some things we can do that
are going to influence other people's actions but don't control other people's actions so there's
a lot of ways to influence and i'm going to list some of them not all of these are the
best ways of doing it but i'm just going to give you some ideas of what influence looks like right
so influence can be explaining influence can be um requesting like making a request will you please
do this right influence can be begging or pleading influence can be setting boundaries that's one of
my favorites so for example if you don't get a job by next month then you may not live here
or if you would like to live here these are the expectations right so these are examples of how
we can influence other people and these things are going to influence the outcome but they still
don't control the outcome so when i work with these parents i'm going to encourage them to stop
putting their energy into this area that's not in their control right trying to change their child
trying to control the outcome for their child and instead i'm going to encourage them to put
as much of their energy as possible into their influence and into their realm of control right
so instead of focusing on changing their child they're going to focus on setting boundaries and
what they say and do and how they set examples and skills and teach and things like that and this is
all about putting your efforts into the process instead of the outcome right so the process
is this process of of influence of teaching of trying to change of trying to be a better person
and that means engaging your efforts and actions into things you can do now and into the things
that are going to be most helpful so for example begging and requesting might not be as helpful but
boundaries might be now we can also use this for pretty much any kind of stressful thing that's in
our life so for example you could use it with the 2020 you know coronavirus pandemic right
and just really quickly we're going to talk about what that would look like
okay so what's in my control i can inform myself i can choose whether to wear a mask i can choose
what level of social distancing i'm going to do or not do i can choose what i'm going to do
to support my local health care workers or other essential workers i can also choose to improve my
own health right i can choose to exercise and i can choose to eat healthy and you know have
good nutrition and things like that right and what's out of my control i can't control others
actions i can't control whether they social distance i can't control whether they wear masks
i can't control whether those masks cover their noses i can't control some risk factors like
um age or other you know factors um and i can't control the government what the government chooses
right i can't control whether my state has a mask mandate or not but i can influence that
by voting i can influence that by talking with people i can influence that by how i use social
media whether i use that for good or evil how i contribute to the public discourse is really
my influence on that and then also the example i set okay so that's one way we can apply this
this cycle to what's going on with the covid 19 pandemic so what this diagram is really about
is about where am i going to put my energy and where am i going to put my focus right
so am i going to spend a lot of time getting upset about what other people are doing and whether
their masks cover their nose holes am i going to put a ton of energy into complaining about other
people or being upset about other people's choices or am i going to put my energy and my focus into
this process this process of dialogue or this process of improving myself and learning new
skills or this process of you know taking care of what's in my realm of control and and often
the best thing you can do is focus on the process right so with those parents of that you know girl
who won't leave home they should be focusing on their process of setting boundaries and having
conversations and developing skills instead of just hyper focusing on the outcome that they
want right her being successful independent adult and same thing goes with you know our response
to the coronavirus pandemic are we going to focus on what other people are doing and what drives us
crazy about what they're doing or the things that are out of our control right we can't control the
case count and the number of deaths directly we can we can most directly impact the people around
us by choosing what level of social distancing we're going to do and whether or not to wear a
mask and to wash our hands a lot when you take the time to clarify your role to make it really
concrete what you can change and what you can't change then you're able to let go of that stupid
anxious uncertainty that's all about not being sure of what you should be doing anyways i hope
this activity was helpful thank you for watching and take care this video was sponsored by better
help where you can receive professional affordable online counseling for around 65 dollars a week
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