- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today's question is all about how to ask for help
without feeling needy.
But are you new to my channel?
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But today's specific question is,
Hey Kati, how does somebody ask for help
without being or feeling needy?
Now I get questions like this all the time,
and I think it's because when we finally feel
like we need help and we need to reach out
for someone, like a professional, or a friend,
or a group, or whatever, our brain automatically
starts judging us, and we worry
that people are gonna think we're really weak,
or that we're being too needy,
or that we're gonna be such a burden on those around us.
But trust me, there are things that we can do
to kinda get us out of that faulty thinking,
because trust me also, it's faulty, not true.
Reaching out for help actually shows
you're really, really strong.
So let's get into those five tips,
and the first one is to know what you
actually need help with.
That doesn't mean you have to know how to fix it,
but when we're finally reaching out,
it's important that we know what it is
we're unhappy about.
If we don't really know what it is
that we wanna change, or what it is
that's upsetting us, how can someone
in our life, or a professional for that matter,
know how to help us?
If we start rambling to someone and saying,
I don't know it started like five years ago
and I've just been so overwhelmed,
and I'm crying, and I don't know,
I just can't go to school, and I feel overwhelmed,
and then I was at work, and we just start rambling
about all the issues that have happened over the years
that we may have been struggling.
It can be really hard for them
to realize what it is that's going on
and A, if it's a parent or a loved one
trying to figure out what help we need,
it might be hard for them to even recognize
what that might look like, and two,
even if it's a professional, they might be like,
okay well what are your symptoms now?
And what's the issue that we really need to work on now?
Because anybody who's gonna offer any support
needs to know what it is we want to change
and what are the symptoms that are bothering us.
So try to stay focused on those things,
and it might take you some time
to just realize what those are,
so maybe sit down and journal what symptoms
you're having now, or what it is
that's bothering you that makes you believe you need help
and is the reason that you're reaching out.
That will really, really cut down
on potential interactions with people
where we ask for help and they don't understand
and we don't get the help we need.
This will ensure that they know what we need
and they can help guide us in the direction
to get that help.
And my second tip is to keep it clear,
short, and to the point.
And that means that when we're asking for help,
first we have to know what it is
and what the symptoms are, but them keep your ask
really simple so that we're heard completely,
and the people that we're reaching out to
don't get caught up in all the things
that are going on, and maybe our ask
is too convoluted, and they're not really sure
if we're asking to see a therapist.
If we're talking to a parent,
maybe asking them to take us to a therapist
and pay for us to see a therapist.
If we're an adult, we might be reaching out
to a therapist, and we're gonna need to tell them
what it is we want, and what we're asking for.
And so all of that's really important
and I find regardless of whether it's a professional,
or a friend, or a loved one, whomever,
if we keep it concise and to the point, it's best.
And I always talk about this on my channel,
but it's really important that if we have
a tough time keeping things clear and concise,
which I personally do, I am like a verbal diarrhea person
where I'll just tell you everything
and start rambling, and then I don't know,
then I start crying, and then I'm overwhelmed,
then, trust me, I totally get it.
But if we take some time and we slow it down,
and we journal about it, it really helps me
to make bullet points, and then read through
the bullet points and see, hey,
is that one repetitive of this one,
or could I merge those two and make it shorter
and more simple?
Going through all of that to kind of recognize
what it is that you're needing,
making it as clear and concise as possible,
I promise will really help you.
So writing it out, maybe even practicing saying it out loud
so that you get comfortable with the verbiage
so it keeps you on track and on point
can really help ensure that when we reach out for help,
we get that help.
And my third tip is actually try to get better.
And I know that can go without saying,
and it can kinda feel icky, and I don't mean it that way,
I just mean that if we're finally taking the step
to reach out and speak up, if we don't put in
the actual effort it takes to make positive change
in our lives, that can really burn out
our friends and family.
And if it's a professional, I can speak personally
that if I have a patient who has been coming to me
for like six months or so and they just aren't
doing any of the homework, maybe they're canceling
sessions last minute, they're just not putting in
any effort, I might tell them,
hey let's just take a break, and when you're actually
ready to participate in therapy, I'm here,
give me a call, because we can't help you
if you don't put in the effort.
Yes even as a therapist I have tools
and techniques to offer you and to teach you,
and I'm working with you, but if you're not working
with me, it can't just be one sided,
I can't force you to do the work.
You're only with me an hour or two a week,
and those other hours, I'm gonna need you
to do that hard work because it's actually your life
that you're gonna try to change,
and I wanna make sure you're putting in the effort
so that we're working together,
we're both putting in effort.
Does that make sense?
And so I know that this third thing,
trying to get better, kinda goes without saying,
but I think it's important that we actually talk about it
because many people reach out for help,
and then feel really exhausted by the thought of it
and just can't even participate,
and we have to make sure that when we do reach out for help,
we're ready to put in all the effort it's gonna take
to get better.
So just think about it.
And I know it's hard work, and we'll all plateau in therapy,
and in our process, I'm not saying that
that's what this is, just know that we have
to continue to try.
And some days we're not gonna have the energy,
but we still have to get up and try again,
and that's all I'm really saying.
Oh, and as a side note, I've had many of my patients,
this has really helped them, I've had them
share their goal with a friend or a loved one
so that they know about it, and then keep
checking in and keep them motivated.
So if you're really struggle to keep going,
it might help that you share your goals
from therapy with another person in your life
so that they can check in with you
on the regular basis, versus just your therapy appointment
that maybe happens once or twice a week.
It gives you a little more contact
and a little more accountability to keep ya goin'.
And my fourth tip is just to remember
that we all need help from time to time.
Reaching out for help doesn't make us weak,
it doesn't make you needy, it doesn't mean
that you're broken, it means that you're actually strong
and you're really courageous.
And even just consider for a moment,
other people in your lives that have maybe
gotten help or reached out to you for support.
Think about it, there's probably a lot of people,
and if you can't think of people personally
in your life, think about celebrities,
other YouTubers, think about people
who have talked about getting help,
and have talked about their struggles.
Sometimes it's really important that we remember
we're not alone, and we're reminded
that it doesn't make us weak, because when we look
at other people's stories, we're often not
as judgmental as we are to ourselves.
So just take a a minute, consider it,
because I think it's really powerful
and it's really important that we recognize
just how strong and brave we are.
And also, you knew this was coming,
talk nicely to yourself about all the effort
you're putting in.
We can be so nasty in our own heads.
Nobody knows how shitty we are to ourselves,
but trust me, I know how it gets,
and I want to make sure that you're reminding yourself
about how brave you're being,
how strong you are, and how hard and how much
just courage in general it takes to speak up and reach out.
Just remind yourself, and then work to change
that nasty negative thought process
into a positive one, because if all the tips I'm offering,
you're still on the other side of the screen saying,
Kati that's not helpful, I still feel really needy,
and I feel like I'm just being such a bad friend
if I ask for help, if you find yourself arguing back
and your brain is like, this is all garbage
and this isn't helpful at all,
that means that this tip is the most important tip for you.
I need you to just talk more nicely to yourself,
I need you to slow down, I need you to recognize
what you're saying, because it's really
that nasty voice that usually tells us we're needy,
or being needy, or just are a horrible person,
or broken, or all those things come from that voice.
So notice what you're saying to yourself,
and instead of focusing on the other tips I've offered,
maybe in the morning and at night,
we come up with three to five things
that we like about ourselves, that we're proud of,
things that show how strong and courageous we are.
We're gonna have to focus on that first
before we can do the other things,
because it's all about that conversation, right?
It can honestly change our lives,
so let's make it a positive conversation
and change it for the better.
And my fifth and final tip is to make time
for their issues too.
If this reaching out and speaking up
isn't involving a professional,
if it's involving a friend or another loved one,
make sure we're still checking in with them,
asking them how their day was,
or how that vacation went, or how their therapy's going,
or their own process.
Make sure we're still asking them
and checking in with them because if it's all about us,
our relationships will become one sided
and they can actually become kind of toxic that way.
And so, I just encourage you to make sure
that when you're talkin' to them,
it's not all about you and what's going on with you.
There's time in every relationship for both things,
and I don't mean you should be keeping track
of running a clock and like, how long have I been
talking about this?
Oh, it's been five minutes, okay I need to spend
five minutes about her.
That's not what I mean.
I just mean that yes, you can be in crisis,
you can reach out to a friend and that conversation
can be all about you and your crisis,
but the next time you call, I want you to ask them
about how they're doing, how their life is,
how work or school's going for them,
or that relationship, just make sure
that you make time for other people's issues too,
and I promise that will alleviate
any of the neediness you're feeling,
or any of the response you might be getting
from friends or loved ones because we all
have stuff going on and it's important
that we listen as much as we speak.
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I hope those five tips were helpful,
but as always, do you have other things you wanna add?
Add down in the comments other tips
and things that have helped you recognize
that you're not being needy and instead
you're being really courageous and strong.
Let us know in those comments down below
and I will see you next time, bye.
It can be hard people to, oh my nose is itchy, sorry.
Start over.
What is it, no?