>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK!
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, WHILE I WAS DOING THE SHOW WITHOUT ANY
AUDIENCE, I HAD TO FIND NEW WAYS TO CONNECT WITH PEOPLE, WHICH IS
ONE OF THE REASONS I CREATED SOMETHING CALLED THE COLBERT
QUESTIONAIRE, A SERIES OF 15 QUESTIONS SCIENTIFICALLY
DESIGNED TO PROBE THE FURTHEST REACHES OF THE HUMAN PSYCHE.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS CRAZY BUT IT IS A SCIENTIFICALLY VERIFIED
SURVEY.
I'VEED ASK SEVERAL SCIENTISTS AND THEY'VE ASSURED ME, YEAH,
IT'S A SURVEY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO LET'S LOOK AT SOME OF THE
MOST REVEALING ANSWERS FROM THE COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE.
JIM?
♪♪ WHAT IS THE BEST SANDWICH?
>> YOU KNOW, I WOULD PROBABLY TAKE A WAWA BLT.
>> Stephen: OOOH, A ROADSIDE B.L.T.
>> GAS STATION B.L.T.
>> Stephen: A GAS STATION B.L.T.
SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU A LOVER OF A SANDWICH, YOU'RE A GAMBLER.
>> MY WIFE LOVES WAWA, IT'S HER ABSOLUTE FAVORITE THING, SO I
HIRED A CAR TO DRIVE US TO THE NEAREST WAWA SOMEWHERE DEEP IN
NEW JERSEY.
I REMEMBER TALKING TO THE DRIVER SAYING THIS IS WHERE WE'RE GOING
TO GO ON VALENTINE'S DAY.
HE SAID, I'LL DO THIS -- ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?
WE EVEN BOUGHT HIM A SANDWICH AND SAID, THIS IS WHAT SHE'S
EXCITED FOR, AND HE SAID, "IT'S FINE.
."
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER ASKED SOMEBODY FOR THEIR
AUTOGRAPH?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: DO YOU MIND TELLING ME WHO?
>> RICHARD NIXON.
>> Stephen: DID YOU GET IT?
I GOT IT, IT WAS ON A MILKY WAY WRAPPER.
MY DAD TOOK ME TO SAN FRANCISCO, I WAS AT A PARADE AND I REACHED
IN AND GOT A WRAPPER AND HE SIGNED IT.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD THROW OUT?
>> I GOT A LOT OF UNDERWEARS I SHOULD PROBABLY THROW OUT BUT I
LOVE THEM, THEY'RE MY COMFORT DRAWERS.
>> Stephen: APPLES OR ORANGES, GEORGE?
>> APPLES.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN APPLE.
>> YOU CAN DO ANYTHING WITH AN APPLE.
YOU CAN MAKE A BONG OUT OF AN APPLE.
>> Stephen: APPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN
APPLE.
>> THAT IS -- THAT MIGHT BE THE MOST AMERICAN THING I'VE EVER
THEARD YOU SAY.
>> OMICS BECAUSE THEY'VE GOT A LOT OF VITAMIN C AND FIBER IN
THEM.
>> Stephen: I GO WITH APPLE BECAUSE YOU CAN PUT PEANUT
BUTTER ON THEM.
>> YEAH, BUT ORANGES YOU CAN PUT VODKA WITH.
>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH ORANGES.
>> Stephen: YOU KNOW YOU CAN'T PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON AN ORANGE.
YOU CAN PUT PEANUT BUTTER ON A SLICE OF APPLE.
>> I DON'T VIEW FRUIT AS A PEANUT BUTTER DELIVERY SYSTEM.
>> Stephen: YOU GET ONE SONG TO LISTEN TO FOR THE REST OF
YOUR LIFE.
WHAT IS IT?
>> "COME TOGETHER."
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW.
I THINK WE JUST MADE NEWS.
WHY "COME TOGETHER."
>> I JUST THINK IT WORKS PERFECTLY WITH THE BAND AND THE
SONG AND JOHN BEING JOHN.
>> Stephen: RIGHT.
I LOVE THAT MOMENT.
>> Stephen: THE LYRICS ARE MYSTERIOUS AT TIMES.
>> OH, YEAH.
WEREN'T THEY ALWAYS.
>> Stephen: "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND" ISN'T THAT
MYSTERIOUS.
I GET THE IDEA OF "I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND."
>> WHICH HAND DOES HE WANT TO HOLD?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: YOU'RE RIGHT, I
APOLOGIZE.
I APOLOGIZE, RINGO.
WHY AM I HERE QUESTIONING RINGO STARRER AND HIS ANALYSIS.
>> OUR LIPS ARE SEALED BY THE GO GOs.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT DID I DO?
>> Stephen: YOU DID NOTHING BUT I'M JUST IMAGINING IT --
FOREVER.
( HUMMING >> Stephen: I'M SECOND TO NONE
TO MY LOVEABLE LINDA CARLISLE.
( HUMMING ) >> CAN YOU HEAR THEM TALK ABOUT
US.
>> Stephen: SURE.
TELLING LIES.
THAT'S NO SURPRISE.
CAN YOU LOOK AT THEM, LOOK RIGHT THROUGH THEM.
THEY HAVE A SECT.
NOTHING CAN BE REVEALED.
DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY SAY, AND THE JEALOUS GAMES PEOPLE
PLAY, OUR LIPS ARE SEALED!
>> Stephen: ETERNITY.
( APPLAUSE ) WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF?
>> SIX.
>> Stephen: NO.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE IN FIVE WORDS.
>> A, MAGNIFICENT CAVALCADE OF COLOR.
>> SEX, SEX, SEX, LAUGHS, SEX.
DESCRIBE THE REST OF MY LIFE FROM THIS POINT?
>> I HAVE NO ( BLEEP ) IDEA.
>> Stephen: JOHN OLIVER, CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU ARE KNOWN.
>> HEY, I FEEL SEEN.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WHEN WE COME BACK,
A NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN COLBERT QUESTIONNAIRE WITH NEIL
DE GRASSE TYSON.
STICK AROUND.