AVGN: It's been ten years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology!
And since then I've been trying to keep up with the times.
I just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes,
and I got a new cell phone!
Check it out!
And I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs.
I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs,
new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires,
and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity!
Yeah, high def! Yeah...
Now let's play some 8-bits.
♫ He's gonna take you back to the past ♫
♫ to play the shitty games that suck ass ♫
♫ He'd rather have a buffalo ♫
♫ take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♫
♫ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♫
♫ of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer ♫
♫ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♫
♫ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♫
♫ He's the Angry Atari, Sega Nerd ♫
♫ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♫
BLAM!
Shootin' shit, runnin' around in your blue underwear!
It doesn't get any better than this.
It ain't Superman or Ultraman, it's Capcom's Mega Man,
a robot hero built by Dr. Light to battle against the evil Dr. Wily and his never-ending supply of robot villains
in the year two... whatever.
The 2D gameplay is as classic as they come,
with a little bit of Contra, a little Metroid, but still stands in its own right,
with its stage select system and the ability to steal each of the boss characters' weapons.
Oh, and can't forget about those disappearing blocks.
One of the many rules of gaming: Never trust what's under your feet.
Mega Man 2 is favored by many.
It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of sidescrolling action games.
It's the one everybody knows, just like another Capcom game, Street Fighter II,
which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre.
I guess you can say Capcom made the best number-twos.
It's the simple things that make it so appealing.
For example, Mega Man's run cycle: He's constantly at full sprint,
you can see the determination, the pure gallantry!
But that doesn't even graze upon why the gameplay is so addicting.
The jumping, the mid-air shooting, it's a science that triggers a phenomenon in your brain.
It's so badass...
[♪ Quickman Stage - Mega Man II ♪]
... oh, sorry, I was just playing the game.
When you do catch yourself a break to stop and listen,
you'll realize you're hearing some of the most rockin' video game tunes of all time!
If only the idea of video game soundtrack albums caught on back then.
You'd get 21 hits in one fantastic collection, including:
♫ DA! DUH-DUH-DUH! DA-DU-DU-DUH-DUH DAAAH DU DU DA! DUH-DUH-DUH DA-DU-DU-DUH-DUH! DA-DAA! ♫ [♪ Crashman Stage ♪]
And:
♫ DUDLU-DUDLU-DUH, DUDLU-DUDLU-DUH, DA DUH DAH! DUDLU-DUDLU-DUH, DA! DA! DA! DA! ♫ [♪Dr. Wily Stage 1♪]
♫ DUDLU-DUDLU-DUH, DA! DA! DA! DA! DUH! ♫
This offer is not available in stores, order today.
I remember when Mega Man was a trilogy,
but then it became a motherfuckin' hexology! Six classic 8-bit games on the NES!
With each installment there were upgrades: 3 added the slide, 4 added the Mega Buster,
and of course each time they had to come up with more robot villain names:
Snake Man, Needle Man, Hard Man, Dust Man, Charge Man,
Tomahawk Man, Kimmy Gibbler Turd Salad Man, it wouldn't stop!
The series was impressively consistent.
There was a point where it seemed like the team behind making these games were not human.
They were machines themselves, pounding out each sequel in an assembly line!
Sure, by the time 6 came along it got a little stale,
but it was rejuvenated with the Mega Man X series on Super Nintendo,
featuring a new Mega Man robot called X.
Man oh man, if the franchise's foot wasn't already so far up your ass from kickin' it,
now you were about to have your balls blown off 'til they orbit Uranus!
X3 had a lot of cutscenes and dialog boxes... but that's cool.
X4 is when they moved to the Playstation consoles, and now the cutscenes were getting a bit out of hand.
But with every new-generation console they want to show off the technical capabilities, I get it, that's okay.
But the dialogue... ugh!
But I can see how they're trying to keep the story an integral part of the experience,
to keep it fresh and interesting!
With X5, it starts right up with text.
You know... uh... yeah...
After a long introduction, the game starts, or... or...
[♪ Opening Stage X - Mega Man X5♪]
... okay, alright, we're off now!
And things are startin' t-- Oh my god!
It's no joke, every five seconds there's more dialog!
Can you see a red rope ahead of you... ?
I don't know... can I move?
CAN I PLAY THE FUCKIN' GAME?!
I was just startin' to have fun, and it goes to SHIIIT!
FUUCK!!
Now everything's exploding!
I just started playing the game! Have fuckin' mercy!
Every screen there's a bomb you have to defuse, but they don't give you enough time to reach it!
Explosions, dialog...
Explosions AND dialog at the same time!
Oh my God!
[♪ Sigma 1st - Mega Man X5 ♪]
This is fuckin' horseshit...
I've had enough shitty games! I've dedicated myself to this for too long!
I've had it!
I quit.
[♪ Ending (Nerd version)- Mega Man II ♪]
2007 NERD: Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room!
I gotta go out somewhere and do something wild!
Like get a tattoo on my face, of a goat holding up a baby, snorting cocaine off its penis!
2007 NERD: And most important, celebrate your independence
not to play shitty fucking games!
Oh my God!
2007 NERD: Who are you? 2016 NERD: I'm you!
2007 NERD: I can see that, how'd you get here? 2016 NERD: I don't know, but...
I remember this... yeah...
I don't know how else to say this, but I'm from the future.
There, I said it.
Really... ?
Do I get the goat tattoo?
Obviously not on your face.
Look at this old setup.
You know, with the original NES model you can't play European games.
You gotta get your RF shit modded into composite.
Still blowin' in your cartridges, you gotta get your--
Oh, whoa whoa whoa...
2016 NERD: Why is that there? 2007 NERD: I don't know, it just sits there.
2016 NERD: Get rid of it! 2007 NERD: Why?
2016 NERD: You'll know by Episode 100! 2007 NERD: Episode wh-what?!
Oh yeah, trust me. Just quit, right now.
Wh- why? It's my du-- it's OUR duty to review bad games and warn people from playing this shit.
What's this here?
There's a Mega Man PC game on DOS?
MEGA MAN ON DOS!!
This is something that'll make you wanna quit!
2007 NERD: Okay, I'll give it a try.
First of all, I can't get it to work on a controller.
Even after installing all kinds of shit, Mega Man won't stop running to the left.
So I'm gonna have to use the keyboard.
Imagine playing a Mega Man game on a keyboard!
Where's the jump key... nngh! Argh!
What's up with the colors? You have it set to CGA.
You know, if you were playing on the most up-to-date computers at the time, it would have looked much better.
Have you forgotten? We gotta bring people back to the past!
There was a time when it was common for computer games to look like this.
Why of all colors did they pick baby blue and magenta as the norm?
I don't know, but that's how it was! These are the colors of our childhood!
Why is there a toll booth?
Mega Man can't pass without paying a toll?!
Does he have E-ZPass?
I can't outrun this dog!
Oh, get away! Get away!!
2016 NERD: Shoot 'em! 2007 NERD: I can't get far enough away!
2016 NERD: Then run! Just run! Run! Run!
2007 NERD: I can't! He jumps so fuckin' far!
Eat a bowl of fuck, you assholian!
Uggh!!
It's the first screen of the game!
You can't get 'em off you! You can't outrun 'em, and if you do kill 'em, he respawns!
Well, I guess that's as far as we can get.
Good! No more of that.
2016 NERD: Oh, you did it! You gotta keep going now! 2007 NERD: Alright...
So after that you get the classic Mega Man stage select screen, with only three selections.
No matter which stage you pick, you're always fighting bats, frogs, bees, spiders and rodents.
No creative robot enemies, nothing like that, just kill a bunch of animals!
And they're all too short to hit!
If you can't shoot on the ground, why are all the enemies on the ground?
Why are the E Tanks always in a puzzling spot?
As if the game was deliberately designed to tease you and piss you off!
They even put arrows telling you to move to the left.
So not only do you get to die, you get to feel like an idiot too.
These things are like magnets, they pull you toward them.
And you're trying to get through this electrical hazard at the same time!
Did both these things have to exist in the same place?
And then once the disappearing blocks start happening, it's all over.
Remember, I'm playing on a keyboard.
Fortunately, with the sequel, the controller works,
but... Mega Man 3?
No, I didn't skip 2. They did.
There was no Mega Man 2 for PC, they jumped straight to 3,
probably because the real Mega Man 3 on NES was already out.
That would have made sense if this were the same game, but it's totally different.
You can say it's a big step up from the first DOS game, with twice as many stages,
but for some reason they decided to make the stages as confusing as possible.
Typically in the Mega Man games, the challenge is in your platform jumping,
your combat strategy and knowing when to use your special items.
But this is all about navigating a maze.
If you want a good where-the-fuck-do-I-go kinda game, try Mega Man 3 DOS.
Ugh!
See? This shit is a waste of life!
You don't believe me? Play some of those awful Simpsons games!
I think I will! And you know what, Nerd?
You should play more of those bad Mega Man games.
Nerd?
2006 NERD: Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person!
I have a better chance of cloning myself!
NERD 1: So fuckin' bad it sucks! NERD 3: This is fuckin' shit!
NERD 1: It's so suckin' fuck... NERD 3: It's diarrhea shit! This game is horrible!
NERD 3: What a piece of fuckin' shit. NERD 1: Hey, wait... wait, wait!
I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playing this fuckin' game?
NERD 2: Yeah! NERD 1: So the hell with that shit!
NERD 4: Yeah! The hell with that damn shit!
NERD 3: The hell with that damn fuckin' shit! NERD 2: The h-
2016 AVGN: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!!
NERD 2: Wh- what?? NERD 3: Nobody tells me what's goin' on here!
NERD 4: I can't fuckin' believe this! NERD 3: Who invited this asshole?!
Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sort of been time-travelling around through AVGN history.
Yeah, that's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
NERD 4: What's AVGN? NERD 3: Audio-Video Graphic Network!
A VaGiNa.
NERD 3: So what time did you come from? 2016 AVGN: From ten years into the future.
That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
Not confusing at all! Time-travelling back into a dream?
That happens all the time! Makes perfect fuckin' sense!
Relax.
Alright now, look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all'ya,
but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get.
Here is Mega Man Legends on PlayStation.
PlayStation? We're the Angry Nintendo Nerd!
Then change the fuckin' name! It's about time.
How about Angry Nintendo Commentator?
NERD 3: How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
NERD 4: How about Nostalgia Critic?
Now that's fuckin' stupid.
How about Angry Video Game Nerd?
NERD 4: Yeah, that's good. NERD 3: I agree with that!
Mega Man Legends was when the series made the jump to three dimensions.
In the late nineties it was almost like a law: Every 2D franchise must try 3D.
So the game begins, and...
Ugh... that explains it all.
Don't you think I can see?!
Don't worry, I CAN'T move! Every time I try it's another text box!
Oh, what, that thing in front of me?
Not far from my current position?
Use the Circle button?! Really?! I would've never thought of that!
That's not at all what I was just about to do!
The control is horrific.
You know how in Mario 64 and Zelda: Ocarina of Time, how natural the controls feel?
You push the joystick in the direction you wanna go, and it responds perfectly!
In Mega Man Legends, it's nothing at all like that.
Instead, the D-pad moves you two-dimensionally left and right
while you rotate your viewpoint with the L1 and R1 buttons.
At least that's the best I can explain the controls.
The game was later released on the Nintendo 64, calling it - what else - Mega Man 64.
In this version the controls are slightly better, but hardly anything else has been updated,
despite coming out three years later and four years after Mario 64,
which set a very clear standard on how three-dimensional controls SHOULD feel.
Hey, Link wants his rupees back.
Treasures? What is this, Mega Man Legends of Zelda Wannabe?
Some say this game is good,
in the same way some people say anchovies on pizza is good. You could do much worse.
It's an adventure game that serves as an alternate to the traditional Mega Man format.
It's more about exploring and watching a story unfold, but still, when I think of Mega Man
I never imagined I'd be talking to a monkey and a mustached man dressed like Dick Tracy.
Go to the shopping area?
Huh, imagine Mega Man walking into Staples.
But wait, that's not far off!
Here Mega Man is walking into a clothing store, a bakery, a toy store...
Mega Man shopping! [chuckles]
He's walking into a CD store! Really?!
What kinda music would Mega Man buy?
Does this place have all popular crap, or any of the obscure good stuff?
Like Witchfinder General.
Look! He doesn't have a reflection in the mirror!
Mega Man's a vampire!
He can't even walk right!
How is everybody so casual?!
Try that sometime: Walk into a department store, turn around in circles and see if anyone looks at you funny.
[ Jazz music ]
NERD 1: What?!? NERD 3: I can't believe it! Oh my God!!
NERD 2: Mega Man's looking at porn!
My life is complete!!
Mega Man X, more like Mega Man Triple-X!
Well anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit,
so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
I wish you would have said that earlier.
NERD 2: Eugh! You diarrhea fiend!! NERD 4: It's nasty!!
NERD 3: Y-your shit's so nasty, it just -
It reminded Future Nerd of the shitty Back to the Future games and sent him back to the future!
Or I just overthought it.
FREDDY: Overthink this, bitch!!
2004 NERD: You'd rather super-glue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline.
You'd rather... you know, the thing is...
You think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something.
But no, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind.
That game is so fuckin' horrible... and I am not kidding.
I am dead fuckin' serious.
DEAD. FUCKIN'. SERIOUS.
2016 NERD: Yes you are.
I must be drinkin' too much.
I ain't seein' this, man!
Drinkin' too much... yeah, but you ARE seein' this.
2016 NERD: I'm you, from the future. 2004 NERD: Right...
And I need your help.
Does this have anything to do with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
No! But it concerns shitty games.
Good... anything but Jekyll and Hyde!
So tell me, how far into the future do you come from? A month? A year?
About twelve years, almost.
What, are you fuckin' kidding me?! And you're still playin' shitty ga--
You didn't play Jekyll and Hyde again, did you?!
No, never! Mm-mm.
What's this? Mega Man X7 for PlayStation 2?
Yeah, that just came out last fall.
Oh man... I'm retro!
[♪ No Holdin' Back demo- Mega Man X7 ♪]
The first thing to note is that you don't even play as Mega Man X, at least not until much later in the game.
Instead you switch between Zero and a new character named Axl.
Now think about that name, and go back to Mega Man X5:
I noticed Izzy, Duff, Adler and Slash!
Beyond any coincidence, they've been naming the characters after members of Guns N' Roses!
That is awesome.
The game doesn't even know whether it wants to be 2D or 3D, it keeps switching back and forth.
I guess you could say it has variety, but the camera angles are a cruel inhumanity.
I can't see a damn thing!
According to the manual, you can adjust the angle using L1 and R1, but only in designated spots.
Like how my cats shit in designated spots.
Zero uses a lightsaber, but Axl is equipped with a gun.
You'd think this gun would operate the same as Mega Man's arm cannon.
It should almost make you forget that you're a different character,
the same way Mega Man and X always felt the same, right?
Well... no. They turned it into a steaming pile of goat shit.
Now there's an automated targeting system. Gone is all the challenge of aiming and shooting.
Now it's all about mashing buttons.
When I see a bunch of targets, I tap the button repeatedly.
As soon as one target is destroyed, it immediately locks on to the next one until they're all gone.
Changing the established gameplay so drastically was a bad move.
A B.M. A real shitty move.
I've seen the worst. I just got done playing Jekyll and Hyde.
Well... you can't say they didn't anything new,
because every stage feels like a completely different game!
In some ways that's cool, but not when THIS happens!
Get me out of Neon Hexagon Land!
I don't even understand how to play this!
Then it flips upside down! And not only that, the controls are reversed!
What a piece of shit.
The progression of the Mega Man series was like shitting on an escalator.
Once it reaches the top, it gets a whole lot shittier and it comes back around for more!
You'd rather super-glue your dickhole shut.
If you ever find a copy of this game, do yourself a favor
and bury it under the fragments of the Jekyll and Hyde cartridge that you previously smashed with a hammer.
So there you go! Proof that it sucked back then!
Yeah, I know by your time they're probably up to Mega Man X20.
Nah, Mega Man kinda stopped... the franchise has been dormant lately.
Well, that's good. You never rush out anything just to meet consumer demand.
Otherwise you end up putting out shit.
Some franchises get done to death. You can't keep beating the same thing into the ground.
Yeah... but I do miss the Mega Man series. People want it.
Hm... if you had a series, what would YOU do?
I couldn't imagine. I wish I had something like that.
If people wanted it, that'd be a great thing.
You can't do the same thing all the time or else it gets old,
but every now and then... it's good to bring it back.
Thanks.
Bugs Bunny: This game fuckin' sucks!
Nyeeh, what a shitload of fuck!
What were they thinking?!
AVGN: Hey! What's going on here?!
Nyeeh, I got you covered, Nerd! You quit!
You said 'So long Screwy, see ya in St. Louie!'
It's all good. You never have to play a bad game ever again! You're off the hook!
[♪ Power Up - Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout ♪]
Hey, you know what? Thanks.
Thanks, I appreciate it...
Nyeeh! Now cut that out!
NYEEEEEHHH!! FUCK YOU!!
NYYEEEEEEAAAAHHH!
I'm back! It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd!
Here to play some more shitty games! Let's pop this fucker in here--
Ah... aaaahh!!
Wha-- ?? W-
WHAT!? WERE!? THEY?! THINKIIING!?!
♫ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♫