What's popping?
When I was single -- I live in Los Angeles, right?
And when I was making a little bit of money,
I used to fly girls out to see me.
In the single world, we call that "importing."
You know, you fly them out for the weekend,
take them to spaces where people know you,
They like, "Oh, they know you in this Denny's."
You like, "Yeah, you know."
Now, I was performing at the Comedy Store,
and I was on the patio and this beautiful woman --
I'm talking about the kind --
she was so fine, it make you stop breathing,
like, you -- [Gasping]
She made a beeline right for me, and she hugged me.
She was like, "Oh, my God, you are so funny."
And she gave me the deluxe hug.
You know what I'm talking about? All the stuff.
Like, I was like, "Ooh, who are you?"
I cut to she back in Virginia.
We talking on the phone, right?
And then she goes, "I miss you."
So, I go, "Why don't you fly back out?"
"My money kind of funny."
Now, I should have hung up right on that right there, right?
But I was thinking about that hug,
so I go, "You know what?
I don't normally do this, but, uh, I'll get your flight."
"Cool!" I'm like, "Whoa."
Now, see, now, I don't know about y'all, but I'm in showbiz.
I like fake gratitude. You know what I mean?
Like, I want her to be like, "No, no, no, you don't have to."
Then I would have said, "No, no, no, I insist."
Alright? Alright?
Then she'd have been like,
"I can't believe there's still men out there like you."
I'd be like, "Yeah, we here."
You know, we'd have had that.
You know what I mean?
Nah, she went, "Cool!
I like direct flights.
I don't want no window seat, and I only fly Virgin America."
I'm like, "God dang!"
Huge red flag, right?
But the hug. So I do it.
She gets to LA.
It's her birthday month, right?
So, she...
[ Laughter ]
Right, right.
"It's my birthday month," you know.
So, I take her to this nice sushi restaurant.
And she's a hand talker. You know what I'm talking about?
Like, she's talking like this with the hands.
She's like, "Oh, my God, the flight was so bomb.
I was here. I was there.
I watched so many movies."
And you, like, looking at her hand, her face.
You got to keep up.
And then her hand hits the light, right?
And I noticed that it was something --
Now, five fingers is what we all have, right,
on each hand, right?
She had, like, a growth, like, some kind of nub or something.
Yeah!
And at first, I thought it was the chopstick, right?
I'm thinking maybe that's how she hold it.
You know what I'm saying?
But I glanced down at the table.
She didn't even touch the chopsticks yet.
It's like a thing.
So I just go, "Yo, yo, pause.
Uh, what the [bleep]
is that right there on your hand?"
And I saw some of your faces.
You feel like that was a bit harsh,
but I was already $650 in with the flight and the sushi.
And when I was single, I had a rule --
after 200 bucks,
you ain't got to be polite no more.
You know what I mean?
You actually get a "What the [bleep]" card.
So I pulled it.
I was like, "Uh, yo, what the [bleep]
are those talons growing from your hands?"
She had them on both.
And she was unwavering.
She went, "Oh, these?"
Then she rubbed them together like steak knives.
Yeah! Shing!
Shing!
She was like, "I got six fingers.
Ha, ha, ha, ha."
I was like, "Ugh."
I don't think y'all heard what I just said.
She -- She said, "I got six fingers.
Ha, ha, ha, ha."
When I saw that, I didn't get mad at her.
I got mad at me.
That's when I realized I made a rookie mistake.
I never shook her hand when I met her.
I fell for the hug.
Had I shaken her hand, I'd have been like,
"Hey, nice to meet you. Whoa, whoa, what the hell?
One, two, three...
Uh, no, what the hell is this?
Hey, I'm good."
But where I got annoyed with her is here she is walking around
with 12 fingers, 6 on each hand,
but she got a 5-finger attitude.
"Who the [bleep] flying you anywhere?!
No wonder you ain't wanting no window seat.
You ain't want to scare the wildlife out there!
You lucky I ain't bring you UPS Ground out this bitch!"
And that's when she went, "[Bleep] you."
And I was like, "Isn't it this one for you?"
Thank you.