Julian: So today, we are filming a talk show and you are going to be our host!
Participant 1: Really! P2: Oh, okay!
P3: Fantastic! Julian: Fantastic!
P4: Ooo, fun! Julian: Yeah! Come with me!
Julian: What is love? Well you can break it down into three components.
Passion, intimacy, and commitment. Together they make up the triangular theory of love.
Psychology's most robust model of love! So, what comes first? What leads to what? Well, they can really
start with any, but your relationship has a better shot at surviving long term if it possesses
at least two of these components at any given time. Here's where it gets tricky though.
You can make a choice to commit to someone, but you can't decide one day to be intimate.
So where does intimacy come from. How do two people grow to the point where they can just
tell each other anything. Well, social scientists say the key to intimacy is expressing vulnerability
and curiosity. To test this out, we did what we do best! We set up an experiment.
First, we brought in a group of couples to ask as our subjects and created a talk show.
We made one partner the host, and the other the guest! This slipped them into roles requiring
one to be curious and the other to open up and be vulnerable. Each host had a stack of
personal questions, but I didn't let them read them until the show was already underway,
and I don't feel bad about that. Because this is science.
P5: Come on in! Thank you for joining me on my show!
P6: I'm glad to join you on your show. P4: So I'm going to be interviewing you tonight,
I have a series of questions? P7: For real?
P4: Yeah! P1: Question number 1.
P4: What strengths do I bring to our relationship. P7: That's an easy one actually.
You bring a lot of compassion, a lot of awareness. Some things I probably shouldn't say in public.
P5: Describe the first moment you knew I was it for you.
P6: When you sent me a video of yourself because you didn't know how to use Skype. You made
a video of yourself and then emailed it to me.
P7: I love the things that are just you. I like the fact that you sing me silly songs
into my voicemail. P6: And it was just your face and you sang
hello, but I was smitten from that moment. P8: She stalked me.
P1: I did. P9: When we were hanging out down in the park
we had a, I don't know. P2: A moment.
P9: I just knew. P8: From that day we've been together and
it's been five hundred thirty one days so, it's a good thing!
P1: It is! P2: When was a time in our lives when you
think our relationship needed more attention. P9: I'm not sure.
P2: Well you know, you followed me out here to LA and I told you if you don't move with
me it's not going to happen, I'm not going to do the long distance thing, which I think
was really selfish of me. P4: How satisfied are you with the amount
of time we spend together? P7: Actually that's a good question because
we met later in life so I feel that critical, acute sense of time. But the blessing is because
I'm so conscious of that fact that the clock is always ticking, this is one day less.
P2: You know now, I really want to focus on not being so selfish and thinking about you
want. P9: And our future, I guess when I was following
you out here I felt kind of one-sided. P5: What's one way we could be a better couple.
P6: We could better learn how to get through the difficult parts.
P1: What are you most scared about our future? P8: That you won't be able to keep up with me!
Because I'm always energy go and go and you're like I'm sleeping.
P1: What! P6: I find that when we get into an argument
we both just repeat the same thing back at each other and that trick of "I hear what
you're saying let me make sure I'm hearing it correctly" but that's so boring when you're
in the heat of passion so I don't know if I'll ever get there.
P10: What if you just fall out of love with me. I don't want that to happen, so I'm scared.
P7: You know one of the things I'm realizing right now as you're talking is one of the
big parts about relationships is fear management. P5: It's hard but I think you're right, like
don't let it escalate, don't let it get too hot in the negative sense.
P6: Right. Only hot in the positive sense. P3: I just don't want to make you feel bad
about yourself, I guess. I don't want to lose you either.
P10: You won't. P4: I'm lucky to have a teammate who's so
capable. P7: And I'm just learning.
Julian: Now we observed varying levels of fear and anxiety in subjects during moments
of vulnerability, which makes a lot of sense. There's a real possibility of getting rejected
or hurt, but in none of our subjects did this actually happen.
P1: Thank you for joining the show today. P9: I liked that. Thank you! Join us next
week when we're Q and A ing from my perspective, that could be kind of fun.
P1: You never know! [off camera]: Actually yeah, we're going to
do that. P9: Like now?
[off camera]: Alright! Julian: He's going to be the guest now and
you're going to be our host! P10: No!
Julian: Yes! P10: Okay!
P6: Let me ask you, what is something we used to do that you miss now.
P5: I think the limerence phase of things and just really being swooned and like getting
to have quality romantic time. P1: Okay, so this is a funny one because we
have this kind of ongoing joke in the relationship that I'm kind of the male side of the relationship.
P5: I think it's easy because we spend so much time together just doing life and regular
things that that becomes our norm and it would just be great to have those even though we
spent all day together, let's go on a date. P7: What scares you the most about our future?
P9: What strengths do I bring to our relationship? P2: Oh man, you bring the maturity I think
sometimes. I'm not very logical sometimes, I'm very emotional with my decisions and everything
I do and you always bring me back down to Earth.
P3: You definitely bring the love! P5: Like when you opened the car door the
other night and walked all the way around to do that, it really meant a lot. It's like
a nice little icing on the cake! P6: That's not hard to do, I can do that!
P4: Absolutely without question, what scares me is losing you. I cannot imagine my life
without you, which is crazy because I specifically didn't think I was a romantic person.
P1: He shows me tons of love and affection and sensitivity, if anything I need to be.
P9: I feel like you bring me out of my shell. You take me out of my comfort zone and I like it.
P4: And then I met you and it was like I got hit by lightning I mean it was like there's the one!
And I didn't even know anything about you.
So this relationship has changed my entire understanding of life in the universe and everything.
P3: Not just regular love but unconditional love.
And that is something, I heard of it, I knew of it, but you brought it.
P2: I see in you what you don't let anybody else see and I love building your confidence
because you're so great and I love you. P9: Thanks, I love you too.
P4: You're the meaning of my life and without you what's the point?
P10: I really want to kiss him now.
Julian: Now, one of the most important things to know about love
is that it never stays in the same place. Intimacy and passion rise and fall with the stresses of life.
So if you feel a drop now and then, don't freak out.
Doesn't mean a relationship is broken, it's just the nature of how love works.
So, do what you saw here, put some energy into learning more about someone.
Even if you think you know it all! And have the guts to be vulnerable.
You can't get anywhere if you don't take risks.
I'm Julian, and this has been the Science of Love.
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