- [Announcer] From West Hollywood, California,
the only news team that doesn't know
what's on the teleprompter before they read it.
Anyone who laughs or breaks, loses points.
This is "Breaking News".
(light music)
- Hello, and welcome to "Breaking News".
The show where we don't know what we're about to say,
and we aren't allowed to laugh or smile.
I'm Clifford California.
- And I'm Homo Simpson.
A tanker ship full of soap has run aground
in the Puget Sound off the coast of Seattle.
The ship, the largest of its kind, ran aground.
Mi scusi
- (Erika laughs) What?
Mi scusi
Mi scusi, mi scusi
- Che?
Mi scusi
- Ah, this is my...
(hosts chuckles)
This is my tailor, Luigi Di Beppo.
I asked him to come in and make custom suits for everyone.
I'm sick of this news team looking like shit.
(Erika laughs)
We'll keep the newscast going though.
Mi scusi, mi scusi
- The tanker was full of split pea with ham soup,
the soup with the largest tastiness-to-grossness
lookingness ratio.
Mi scusi
President Biden has said that split pea soup
is his absolute favorite
because it's the old-timeiest of the major soups,
and that dude is old.
- So old.
I mean, listen, he's obviously better than Trump,
but we're all clear that he's at best half dead, right?
Mi scusi
(Carolyn laughs)
Mi scusi
- Thank you. I don't think he knows what scuzi means.
(Carolyn clears throat) At best.
Watching Biden give a speech
is like watching a baby play Jenga.
You know, at some point everything is gonna fall apart.
Si, si, si, mi scusi
- I don't make that means "up."
Mi scusi
The EPA says that while... (Carolyn gasping)
Mi scusi
Put these on.
Mi scusi
Got it, no problem, gonna do that.
The EPA says that while the soup
will be devastating to the local environment,
it's oh so savory, just like mom used to make.
Mi scusi
Boy, I miss that home cooking.
Yeah, no problem.
- Ew. - This is totally normal
thing that tailors do.
The seven best things my parents cooked for me
when I was a kid were...
Mi scusi
In the backpack?
(Carolyn gasps) (Erika laughing)
Absolutely, because little boys carry backpacks to school
full of bricks,
and that has everything to do with tailoring.
The best things my parents cooked for me when I was a kid
were spaghetti and...
Go that's so heavy, that is unbelievably heavy.
Garlic bread.
- Do it faster, more bricks are coming.
(Carolyn laughing)
- Shepherd's Pie, we had a nice taco night, a beef stew.
Mi scusi
Oh, oh my God.
My mom made a great lemon poppy-seed tea cake.
One time she tried to make a blooming onion,
like the type from Chili's,
and it worked out remarkably well
but we never did it again.
No problem.
Whoop, 'kay, and finally...
Mi scusi
Sit down wearing all of them.
Mi scusi
(Erika laughing)
You could have learned one more phrase in Italian.
Si! (Erika laughing)
And finally, cereal.
- It's a shame to see it happen to our fair city.
I love it here.
If you ever...
- Mi scusi - If you ever get a chance
to spend a weekend in Seattle,
here's how to do it my way.
Mi scusi
My ideal weekend in Seattle
starts with an early morning walk around the seaport,
Mi scusi
then getting a nice coffee...
Mi scusi
Yep, yep, you're scusi-ed.
Followed by, I don't know anything about Seattle.
Mi scusi
Looking at that pointy building and then some chowder?
- Sure.
- Do they do chowder there?
- It's a coastal town, I bet there is chowder.
- All right, let's do chowder, and then seafood,
and then I don't know, a show, a musical show.
- Why not. - Mi scusi, mi scusi
- Yup, yup, yup.
- Hey baby, I hear the blues a callin'.
- Thank you.
We'll now go to Mary Sugarshirt with weather.
Mary, how are we looking this weekend?
- It's gonna be a scorcher, Clifford.
Believe it or not,
it's because of increased solar flare activity.
I'm something of an astronomy buff myself.
- Oh, me too.
Would you like to answer some astronomy trivia?
- Oh yes, please.
- Great. My tailor is an astronomy buff too.
Mi scusi
For every question you get wrong,
he's going to hand you a very heavy book
that you won't be allowed to put down.
- Amazing. - Mi scusi
- Now, what is the only spacecraft ever to visit Uranus?
- The Discovery.
- The correct answer is Voyager.
- Mi scusi - So sorry.
How many planets can be seen with the naked eye from Earth?
- Three.
Mi scusi
- The answer is in fact five.
Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter, and Saturn.
That's one more book for you. (Erika laughing)
Which planets in the solar system have no moons?
(Erika mumbles) (Erika laughing)
Mi scusi
The answer is not nothing.
It is in fact, Mercury and Venus.
- I'm so sorry. I hate to interrupt.
But wouldn't this be more effective
if your tailor handed Mary three heavy books
for every wrong answer?
- You know something, you're right.
What are the four largest moons of Jupiter?
- Europa, Io, and (Erika mumbles) that's it.
That's the two of 'em.
Mi scusi
- Remarkably good answer.
They are Europa, Ganymede, Callisto and Io.
What planet is known as the evening star?
- Venus, it's Venus.
- The correct answer is in fact, Venus.
Way to go. - Aw.
- You disappointed my tailor.
And on the subject of Venus,
take 30 seconds and describe in detail NASA's plans
for an upcoming visit to Venus.
- As far as I know, there are no plans to visit Venus.
Space is now the purview of billionaires.
- No idea if you're right about that,
so why don't you hold onto the rest of those books anyway.
Mi scusi
- Perfect.
(Sam chuckles)
- Finally, tonight, we'll go to Ryan Beans with sports.
- And Ryan,
you're more in need of a new suit than any of us.
So Luigi is gonna do his special measurements for you.
Mi scusi
- Sounds great.
(Erika laughs hysterically)
- This might be my last day working at CollegeHumor.
Well, the college football season is heating up...
(Brennan laughing) Is that a mistake?
After a national title last year.
Can Alabama reclaim the crown?
It's something of a rebuilding year in Tuscaloosa
as the Tide lost many of their superstars to the NFL draft.
Over in the ACC,
Clemson continues its dominance over the league.
Coach Dabo Swinney
is running roughshod over his competitors,
but if Notre Dame finally joins the way,
they've been threatening to,
The Tigers could have some competitions.
(water spraying)
The best pre-season quarterback
is no doubt Oklahoma's Spencer Rattler.
After a...
Oh, it's different settings.
After a slow start last year,
he led the Sooners
to an absolutely dominant back half of the season
in the Big 12 last year.
He is this year's prohibitive favorite
for the Heisman trophy.
Finally, the Big 10 is trying to recover.
(horn honking)
What is it have to do with tailoring?
(horn honking)
The Big 10 is trying to recover after a down year
in which some legacy programs suffered their worst losses
in quite some time. (horn honking)
Sources say that Penn State Coach James Franklin
has a foot out the door,
making him one of a number of coaches hanging on by a...
(cymbals bangs) (Erika laughing)
Hanging on by a thread in the east.
And lest we forget the PAC 12 remains terrible.
Back to you in the studio.
(cymbals bangs) Damn it.
- Thanks Ryan.
- That's it for us.
But before we go,
we'll tell you that tonight's loser is Erika.
As punishment,
they have to accept this $50 gift card
to the Macy's men's store for new suiting.
Because sometimes, things can be nice.
Mi scusi
- I could have used a new suit.
(Erika laughing victoriously)