You know how urban fantasy writers really like doing that "all myths are true" thing,
so they try really hard to find some way to make sense of every world mythology being real all at once?
And how sometimes it works okay, but sometimes it just comes across as really busy and incoherent?
Well, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret about Greek mythology:
Hesiod did it first.
See, Greek mythology isn't internally consistent--
because no mythology is--
but that didn't stop Greek writers like Hesiod,
a contemporary of Homer and one of the earliest sources we have,
from trying to make consolidated narratives out of every random regional myth they could get their hands on.
In Hesiod's case, his efforts famously produced the Theogony,
an attempt to outline the genealogy of EVERY SINGLE GREEK GOD.
I'm not talkin' the Big Twelve here--I mean ALL of 'em.
You wanna know the names of all 50 Nereids? All 3,000 Oceanid nymphs?
Well, Hesiod maybe can't give you all 3,000, but he's more than happy to rattle off 41 of 'em!
Ever wonder what specific combination of Titanic boinking
produced the Oneiroi? The Ash Nymphs? The Hesperides?
Well, don't you worry-- Hesiod has it down!
Everyone's got a place in the family tree!
EVERYONE.
So, yeah, on a scale of 1 to American Gods,
Hesiod's ranking maybe a 3 and 1/2 on the Actually Making This Interesting Meter.
That said, the Theogony is more than the world's most pompous flash card set.
Scattered haphazardly through its endless lists of meaningless names
is a genuinely fascinating narrative of gods and monsters and the creation of the ancient Greek world we all know and love.
So, let's set aside the genealogical aspect for now and focus on the fun part: the ancient Greek creation myth.
So, in the beginning, there's nothing but Khaos,
a vague entity representing some sort of primordial emptiness pre-anything happening.
But it's not alone for long, as soon enough, Gaia, Tartaros, and Eros pop out of nowhere,
representing the primordial earth, abyss, and existential concept of love, respectively.
Khaos takes a cue and spoots out Erebos and Nyx-- darkness and night, respectively--
and then, I guess, goes and takes a nap, because that's the last we hear of it forever.
While Nyx and Erebos are off bumping abstract concepts and creating the day-night cycle,
Gaia crafts herself a partner: an equal and opposite in the form of Ouranos, the sky to her earth.
The two of them promptly get busy and crank out three sets of siblings:
first, twelve Titans, then three Cyclopses,
and finally, three Hecatoncheires, ludicrously powerful giants with fifty heads and a hundred arms each.
Now, the Titans, Cyclopses, and Hecatoncheires have their differences,
but they're united in their complete and utter hatred of Ouranos for...
seemingly no reason at first, although it rapidly becomes justified,
when Ouranos takes to imprisoning his more monstrous-looking children in secret locations under the earth.
Gaia gets fed up with Ouranos' shenanigans and comes up with a plan to knock him down a peg.
She forges a sickle out of grey adamant and calls up her Titan children,
asking them to help her take down Ouranos so they can take his place ruling the universe.
The Titans are a bit skittish, but the youngest, Kronos--Titan of the harvest--accepts the task,
and ambushes Ouranos, castrating him with the sickle.
And in case you were wondering what happened to the balls, don't you worry!
Hesiod's worldbuilding rule is "waste not, want not."
They fall into the ocean and start foaming, and from that foam arises none other than the radiant Aphrodite,
who presumably spent the next few millennia showering with a thousand-yard stare.
So Kronos supplants Ouranos, and Ouranos officially dubs him and his siblings Titans,
which apparently means "stretchers," the idea being that they stretched beyond their means in order to overthrow him.
So this is officially when the Titan Age begins.
Coincidentally, this is also around the time a whole bunch of death and destruction gods and classic monsters start popping out of the woodwork.
So Kronos takes his sister Rhea as a wife and they start cranking out kids,
but Gaia and Ouranos warn Kronos that he's fated to be overthrown by one of his children.
So as a safety precaution, Kronos swallows each of his children as soon as they're born.
Bit extreme, but I guess the god of safe contraceptive measures didn't exist yet.
After losing Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades, and Poseidon to Kronos' exceedingly inefficient heir-disposal method,
Rhea asks Gaia and Ouranos for help keeping her sixth kid, Zeus, alive,
and Gaia spirits the baby away to a secret location in the mountains
while Rhea replaces him with a blanket-covered rock.
So young Zeus is raised in secret by Gaia,
and somewhere along the line decides the thing to do is
supplant his father Kronos and take his place as ruler of the universe.
So, with the help of Metis-- an Oceanid nymph with a serious talent for cunning plans--
he slips Kronos a poison that causes him to throw up the kids he ate.
Zeus, now allied with his five siblings,
gives himself an additional edge by freeing the three Cyclopses from their prison,
and in gratitude, they forge him his lightning bolts.
Zeus, now geared up with weapons and allies,
rallies support from the frankly ridiculous number of minor gods running around at this point
and goes to war with the Titans.
The conflict lasts for ten straight years,
until Gaia suggests that Zeus could maybe free the Hecatoncheires, too,
and it turns out the ridiculously strong, fifty-headed, hundred-handed, rock-chuckin' giants
were exactly what he needed to turn the tables and finally overthrow Kronos.
Kronos and his allies are thrown into Tartaros and Zeus takes his place as King of the Cosmos,
after a short interlude, where he, Poseidon, and Hades draw lots to determine
who exactly gets to lord over what bits of the universe.
So, Zeus marries Metis and she gets pregnant,
but Zeus is warned by Gaia and Ouranos that Metis is destined to bear thoughtful children more cunning than Zeus:
first a daughter, and then a son, who will eventually overthrow him.
Determined to stay Super-Cool God-Emperor of Everything forever,
Zeus reacts by eating Metis,
but not in, like, a murder way; in, like, a...
subsuming-her-essence-into-himself-so-she-can-provide-him-with-wisdom-and-advice kind of way...
Is that better...?
Eh, still a huge dick move.
Also really ironic, considering Metis helped him overthrow Kronos by making him puke.
Guess the lesson here is "never do any favors for Zeus."
In the meantime, Zeus marries Hera, and she has Ares and Hephaistos,
then he has a fling with Leto that produces Artemis and Apollo,
and then one day, Zeus develops an absolutely splitting headache.
And when he responds extremely literally by actually splitting his head open to relieve the pressure,
Metis' daughter Athena pops out of his forehead, fully grown and ready to kick some ass.
Turns out, absorbing your pregnant wife can have unforeseen medical consequences.
*sped up* Ask your doctor if absorbing your pregnant spouse is right for you. Side effects may include migraines, dizziness, and childbirth.
*normal speed* Anyway, rounding out the Olympian roster,
Zeus has a fling with the Pleiad Maia, producing Hermes,
and lastly, a complicated fling with the mortal Semele, producing the equally-complicated Dionysos.
Zeus, having successfully dodged the destiny of being supplanted by his own kid
by learning the lessons of history that his father failed to internalize,
proceeds to flagrantly bang his way across the entire Mediterranean,
secure in the knowledge that this could literally NEVER go badly for him.
Ever.
EVER.
Nope-- Zeus' divine down-unders are a consequence-free zone.
Except that one time where he had to specifically not bang Thetis
because she was fated to bear a son stronger than his father,
but other than that, no worries, right?
Seriously. Why keep tempting fate?
Just bag it up if ruling the cosmos is so important to you.
♫ Welcome to your life ♫
♫ There's no turning back ♫
♫ Even while we sleep ♫
♫ We will find you acting on your best behavior ♫
♫ Turn your back on Mother Nature ♫
♫ Everybody wants to rule the world ♫
*guitar instrumental*
♫ It's my own design ♫
♫ It's my own remorse ♫
♫ Help me to decide ♫
♫ Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure ♫
♫ Nothing ever lasts forever ♫
♫ Everybody wants to rule the world ♫