- Let's kick it off with the big news.
(upbeat instrumental music)
Whether you wanna believe in coronavirus or not,
it is real and today the Unites States passed
the 10,000 coronavirus deaths.
And experts are saying that that number
is probably undercounting things
because apparently many deaths in the U.S. have been labeled
as pneumonia or influenza when they were likely coronavirus.
Now, as America reaches the hardest week yet
of this epidemic states around the country have been begging
the federal government to help them find ventilators
for their overcrowded hospitals,
but because the federal government
took so long to react to this crisis,
(air whooshes) President Trump
just doesn't have enough ventilators to go around.
(air whooshes)
What he can give people, though,
is some unsolicited medical advice.
- [Reporter] President Trump says he thinks doctors
should use the drug hydroxychloroquine
to treat patients who've tested positive.
- That's hydroxychloroquine and azithromycin,
and again you have to go through your medical people,
get the approval, but I've seen things that I sort of like
so what do I know, I'm not a doctor.
I'm not a doctor.
- Okay, here's what I don't get.
Trump is acknowledging he's not a doctor
while legitimate doctors, who could answer these questions,
are standing right there next to him.
Why are we getting his opinion at all?
Imagine if you went in for a checkup
and there was just some random dude behind your doctor
giving his opinion like,
"If you ask me, it looks like
"you got some of that AIDS cancer.
"But what do I know, I'm just a guy who hangs out here."
I do have to give some credit to Trump, though,
for at least giving us a disclaimer that he's not a doctor.
I mean, he doesn't normally do that.
In fact, he should end all
of his coronavirus press conferences
like a pharmaceutical ad.
He's just come out like,
"Donald Trump is not a doctor
"and his advice should not be taken seriously.
"If you have an erection lasting longer than four hours,
"please let Donald Trump know 'cause that's pretty cool."
Now, before you get depressed by the fact that America
is being led by someone who knows less about medicine
than Dr. Pepper,
there is still a lot of good news out there.
Don't lose hope.
For instance, in Europe, although Spain and Italy are still
reporting more than 10,000 new infections each day,
their corona numbers are finally slowing down
which could be a sign that the worst has past.
And South Korea, they're superstars.
They've reported only 47 new cases yesterday,
and with fewer that 200 deaths out of a population
of 51 million people, South Korea has basically emerged
as maybe the only nation to have handled the pandemic
with near complete success.
And I mean, let's be honest,
South Korea was always gonna beat corona
because from what I can tell,
everyone in that country has a basement
inside their basement.
(image pops)
So I mean, if you're the virus,
good luck finding a South Korean person.
(air whooshes) But maybe the best news
of all is that there are rumors
that Netflix might be dropping
a new episode of "Tiger King", people.
That's right.
Jeff Lowe told a fan online that he had been filmed
for a new episode scheduled to drop this week.
Yeah, and when has Jeff Lowe ever lied.
I mean, if you can't trust a 65 year old man
who dresses like a rebellious teenager,
who can you trust?
And I guess this is how low the bar has gotten
for what counts as good news right now.
We find out there's more episodes about deranged murderers
and people being cruel to animals
and we're like, "Yes!
"Oh, some good news, thank you, Lord."
And I'm gonna be honest guys, I am terrified of this news
because every episode
of "Tiger King" (air whooshes)
has been crazier than the previous episode.
(air whooshes) So what's gonna happen
in this new episode?
Are we gonna find out Carole Baskin and her husband
faked his death to get the insurance money,
and he's been secretly living
inside one of those tigers all along.
Ah!
But let's move on.
Over the weekend, we got a major update from the CDC.
After months of telling us
that only sick people should be wearing masks,
the CDC now says everyone should cover their faces
with masks made from cloth like shirts
or bandanas or scarves,
because apparently even people who don't have symptoms
of coronavirus can unknowingly spread the coronavirus.
We are all coronavirus.
Sounds like an inspirational message.
Even if you don't feel corona, corona can feel you.
So basically, any time we go outside for essentials,
all of us should have a bandana or something on our face.
The CDC's gonna have everybody looking like
broke-ass "Mortal Kombat" characters.
Get over here.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, dude, dude, coronavirus.
Not that close, just get over there.
But still, folks, that's a major shift from the CDC
and it's already having a big impact.
For instance, Joe Biden said that from now
he will wear a mask in public
because it's important to follow the science.
Meanwhile, President Trump
has said that these guidelines
are voluntary and he will probably not wear a mask,
which, let's be honest, doesn't surprise anyone.
Trump is all about appearance.
He's not going to be wearing a mask,
he doesn't care about safety.
In fact, the only way they can get him to wear a mask
is if his aides trick him.
Yeah, they just gotta trick him like he's a child,
"No, Mr. President, it's not a mask,
"it's a border wall for your face."
"So viruses are like the Mexicans of germs.
"I got it."
(upbeat instrumental music)
While the U.S. is bracing for an explosion
of new coronavirus infections,
the White House is also bracing for more backlash.
You see, they haven't been listening to coronavirus warnings
that they've been receiving for months.
Just today, Axios reported
that Peter Navarro, Trump's trade adviser,
wrote a memo back in January
where he warned very accurately
that if America didn't take immediate action
to stop the coronavirus,
it would break out in the United States
and it would kill hundreds of thousands of people.
And on top of that, he also predicted
that it would destroy the economy.
So Trump got warnings from the HHS,
got warnings from his intelligence agencies,
and even got warnings from his own economic advisers,
and he did heed any of those warnings.
Basically, if there's ever a warning
Trump just will ignore it.
Yeah, coronavirus, (air whooshes)
check engine light, (air whooshes)
I bet even chocking hazards. (air whooshes)
Half of Mike Pence's job is just pulling Legos
out of Trump's throat.
"It was a yellow piece
"so I thought it was a piece of cheese."
"I know, Mr. President, easy mistake to make, sir."
Now, it turns out Trump has been ignoring so many warnings
that "The Daily Show" investigation team managed to get
some of Donald Trump's voicemails
and it turns out, he was even ignoring warnings
from coronavirus itself.
(phone rings)
- [Automated Voice] You have four messages in your inbox.
Message one.
(phone beeps)
- [Coronavirus] Hey Donald, this is coronavirus calling.
Been trying to contact you for a little while now.
Wanted to let you know I'm gonna be branching out of China
into the United States soon.
I'm sure your advisors have already told you all about me,
but just wanted to confirm my schedule with you
and see if you have any plans for me.
Talk soon.
Like, really, really soon.
(phone clicks)
- [Automated Voice] Message two.
(phone beeps)
- [Coronavirus] Hey Donald, me again.
I just saw you on TV saying that I'm not coming.
Maybe you're not checking messages,
but I totally am coming.
Like, I've booked the flights and everything.
So, give me a call or something, man.
I'm starting to think you're ignoring me.
(phone clicks)
- [Automated Voice] Message three.
(phone beeps)
- [Cynthia] Hello Mr. Trump, this is Cynthia
from the adoption agency.
I just wanted to let you know
that we can't take your son Eric,
because he's a grown man.
I am so sorry about the bad news.
(phone clicks)
- [Automated Voice] Message four.
(phone beeps)
- [Coronavirus] Yo Donald, it's corona,
I'm at the airport.
I thought you'd have someone here to meet me,
but it doesn't seem like you've planned for my arrival,
so I'm just gonna hop into an Uber POOL with some strangers
and make my way into the city.
Let me know your sked, I'm pretty free.
I'm just gonna go to a party tonight,
and then 20 parties tomorrow night,
and then 400 parties the night after.
So hit me up.
Later, bro.
(phone beeps) (upbeat instrumental music)
- Let's talk about black people.
They're like white people but with seasoning.
In America, black people have had a long history
of getting the short end of the stick,
from slavery to Jim Crow to the criminal justice system
to the sunken place.
But when it came to the coronavirus, it seemed like,
for once, black people were catching a break.
- A lot of these viruses we're immune to
because our skin is radiant and our skin comes from the sun.
That is our superpower, melanin.
- Black people, we will not get the coronavirus,
because we got a little thing in our body
where we calling the melanin.
- Minorities can't catch it, we sure.
- They said that-- - Say that one more time.
- Minorities can't catch it.
- Minorities can't catch
coronavirus. - Coronavirus, nah.
- Who said that? - Why do you say that?
Why do you believe that? - Name one.
- I don't know,
but it could happen. (woman laughs)
- Name one, though. - It could happen.
- Name one of us. - If it--
- Yeah, when this whole pandemic was just kicking off,
many people, many people thought coronavirus
was something that just didn't involve black people.
Sort of like tennis elbow (air whooshes)
or "Tiger King". (air whooshes)
Very quickly, we've come to learn
that not only can black people get coronavirus,
it turns out that black people are being hit harder
than anyone else in America right now.
- With the rate of infection increasing in cities
across America there are alarming new statistics
showing the pandemic is taking an especially heavy toll
on minority communities.
- [Reporter] African Americans account for 41%
of COVID deaths in Michigan though only 14% of residents.
In Chicago, black residents represent 72% of deaths
but just 30% of the population.
- [Journalist] Louisiana's population is 32% black
which accounts for about 70% of coronavirus deaths.
- The disparity and deaths among African Americans,
they're startling.
The data is clear.
Coronavirus is disproportionately impacting
and killing people of color.
- That's right, as America has become the epicenter
of coronavirus worldwide,
black America has become the epicenter
of the virus' worst effects.
And this is become such a major problem
that even President Trump has taken notice.
- In the U.S., African Americans are dying
at a much higher rate from COVID-19 than other groups.
President Trump calls it a real problem
and a tremendous challenge.
- This is something that's come up,
and I don't mean by a little bit, I mean many times.
It's a real thing.
Now, why is it that the African American community
is so much, you know, numerous times more
than everybody else?
Why is it that three or four times more so
for the black community as opposed to other people?
It doesn't make sense, and I don't like it,
and we're gonna have statistics over the next
probably two to three days.
- It almost sounds like Trump is jealous
that black people get coronavirus more than anyone else.
Just because of the way he said it,
"How come black people are getting it and not me?
"What do they have that I don't have?
"Is it swag?
"Is that what it is, is it caused by swag?"
No, but look obviously I'm joking.
I'm totally joking, man.
If anything, it's refreshing.
It's honestly refreshing to see President Trump
so concerned about the black community.
But when he says it doesn't make sense
that coronavirus is hitting black Americans the hardest,
it's actually the opposite.
Because when you look at the systemic
and socio-economic factors facing black people in America
it makes complete sense.
You see, overall black people are less likely
to have health insurance.
Black people are more likely
to have pre-existing conditions like asthma and diabetes,
and those things make coronavirus more lethal.
Black people are also more likely to be in service jobs
where you can't work from home,
and you have to come into contact
with lots of people everyday.
And of course, there's always just straight up racism
that affects black people, as well.
For example, one study has found
that black people have been less likely
to be offered a coronavirus test
by their doctor even if they're exhibiting the same symptoms
as white patients.
Yeah, so while almost every industry around the world
is shut down, it looks like racism
is still considered an essential service.
And racism is even affecting whether or not black people
can protect themselves and cover their faces
when they go outside.
- [Reporter] Jody Armour is a law professor
at USC Law School.
He and other academics believe wearing masks
can pose a problem for people of color.
- The fear of being mistaken for a dangerous criminal
may be greater than the fear on contracting COVID-19.
Wearing protective masks while black is a concern
just like driving while black is.
- This officer right here behind us
he just followed us from outside,
told us that we cannot wear masks.
There's a presidential order, there is a state order,
and he's following us right out the store.
We're being asked to leave for being safe.
- Come on, man, this is some bullshit.
If black people don't wear a mask in public,
what's gonna happen?
People are gonna say they're endangering public health,
but then if black people do wear masks,
then they're treating like they're preparing
for a mission in "Red Dead Redemption", or something.
Like what do you expect black people to do, hm?
At this point, the only safe way for black people
to cover their faces in public is to try
and disguise themselves as a white person.
And I'm not talking about code switching.
I'm talking about actually putting on
a white person's face as your mask.
Some people will be suspicious but it'll work.
"Hey, you look white but there's something off.
"Say something only a white person would say."
"I wish Kamala Harris was back in this race."
"Checks out, I'll see you at hockey practice, buddy."
So look, the unfortunate truth is that the black community
is being slammed by coronavirus right now.
But in a way, it's not because there's anything special
about coronavirus,
it's because any widespread crisis in America
is bound to hit the most vulnerable
and disadvantaged groups the hardest.
And yes, I know this is depressing,
especially right now.
I mean, you don't wanna deal with coronavirus
and racism at the same time.
It's like two Marvel villains coming into one movie.
We don't have enough heroes.
What we do have is real-life black people
showing how resilient they are,
and one of the videos that gave me the most joy
is this viral video of a group of black people
throwing a social distancing block party
that, I won't lie, brought me a little bit of joy.
(lively instrumental music) ♪ Put your ♪
♪ Pinky rings up ♪
♪ To the moon ♪
♪ Girls, what y'all trying to do ♪
♪ 24-karat magic in the air ♪
- Ah, yes.
I remember when the only thing in the air
we had to worry about was 24 karats of magic.
Those were the good ole days.
(upbeat instrumental music)
You know, whenever we talk about coronavirus
we always think about the lives that will be lost,
the economy, and people's jobs,
but the one thing we also can't ignore
is how it's gonna affect people's relationships.
So for today, I thought,
"You know what, let's change gears
"and focus on something a little different
"in our brand-new segment 'Love in the Time of Corona'."
(cheerful instrumental music)
Now, the coronavirus outbreak had been amazing
for Ying Ying and Le Le's relationship.
Yeah, because with no one around those two
panda bears' (air whooshes)
have started having more sex than Donald Trump
whenever Melania's out of town.
(air whooshes) I'm joking, of course.
He doesn't care if she's in town or not.
But it turns out, for us human panda bears
the coronavirus hasn't been as beneficial
for our love lives.
- [Reporter] Splitting up together.
Divorce rates spiked in China
in the wake of the coronavirus.
So, is the U.S. next?
- We are seeing a pressure cooker of disaster for couples.
- [Journalist] Business is booming right now
for Eleanor Alter, a prominent divorce lawyer
in the epicenter of the pandemic, New York City.
- I'm seeing an uptick in calls.
- [Anchor] People calling at all hours of the night
seeking legal advice.
- I'm getting a lot of calls about people who are
in close quarters with a person
that they were planning to divorce, perhaps this year
and it hasn't happened yet,
wondering if they can go forward with a divorce
during the pandemic.
- Yeah, coronavirus is the worst thing
to happen to marriages since the invention of the pool boy.
(air whooshes) Why you always
gotta be so sexy when you raking those leaves in the pool,
pool boy? (air whooshes)
And getting divorced is already a stressful experience,
but getting divorced when you can't leave,
sweet Lord, that must be the worst.
Just imagine, if you lived in like a New York City apartment
what do you do then?
"Okay, fine, you can have the bed,
"and I'm gonna sleep in the microwave."
So yeah, because of coronavirus divorce lawyers
are seeing more business
than the guy selling glow sticks at Coachella.
And if you're wondering why is this happening,
well it's because quarantine is showing a lot of couples
that they might love each other,
but they don't like each other.
- When it comes to the quarantine,
the biggest problem couples are having
is just the amount of pressure that the relationship
is putting on each other.
Think about it, normally you're around your partner
four, maybe five hours a day awake,
but now, that's tripled.
- When we don't have as much distraction going on,
we tend to hyperfocus on certain things that--
The little things that bother us.
- [Reporter] Part of the reason that could be,
one in three people surveyed say they do not shower
or bathe every day anymore.
Also, 15% of respondents say they do not get dressed
out of their pajamas.
- He wanders through the house and continues to talk to me
when I'm on the phone, can't be in your bathrobe,
and those are the little things I have to be aware of
because the camera really covers the whole space.
- Ah, man.
I really feel bad for this woman.
Think about it, her husband is walking around in a bathrobe
while she's trying to work over Skype.
That is so embarrassing 'cause that's her job.
Like imagine if you were in your boss' office
and then your spouse just walks in shirtless,
covered in Cheetos.
"Honey, do you have a towel?"
"Excuse me, my boss is here.
"Can't you see ?"
"Oh, I'm sorry.
"Mr. Boss, do you have a towel?
"The Cheetos, they get everywhere, look at this."
I see why people are getting tired of each other.
Like just because you've committed your life to someone
doesn't mean you want to be committed 24 seven.
In fact, after coronavirus ends,
I think marriage vows need to be updated.
Do you take this man to have and to hold
but for like an hour in the morning
and then maybe three hours at night when you watch TV?
Now, don't get it twisted.
Coronavirus isn't breaking up every couple.
There are many lovebirds out there
who are taking the initiative
and turning quarantine time into quality time.
- [Reporter] You may be stuck at home
but that doesn't mean date night is canceled.
- [Journalist] One couple used their free time
to recreate the iconic final dance scene
from the 1980s film "Dirty Dancing".
- [Anchor] The Jones family is used to being creative,
turning famous paintings into their own works of art,
quarantine style like "American Gothic"
and "Washington Crossing the Delaware".
- [Announcer] Grant recreated date nights around the house.
A casino, sports bar, bowling with paper towel pins
in their living room.
- [Woman] I think my favorite part of the date
was the dance club, which was our bathroom,
which when we went in there he had music blaring
and then he like turned the lights on and off.
- Okay, now that guy, that guy deserved
all the brownie points in the world.
He made a full night club in his bathroom for his woman.
Wow, that's love.
And this thing was super realistic.
He even charged her $18 for a vodka cranberry
and then stole her purse when she got drunk.
That is commitment.
(air whooshes) Before we go,
as always I would like to remind you
that as America reaches peak corona infections
the doctors, nurses, and first responders
in this country need our help.
So please, go to Thrive Global's First Responders First
and donate whatever you can to help them get the masks,
gloves, and gowns that they need to save lives.
And if you wanna help in New York City specifically,
please go to the New York Mayor's Fund COVID-19 Response
and donate there.
Stay safe out there, wash your hands.
Remember, you can freeze your toilet paper
to make it last longer,
and I'll see you again tomorrow.
(upbeat instrumental music)