[male computer voice] Well, I'm sick.
Again. Dang it.
I don't even understand why I need to be sick.
It doesn't make sense.
Because I am immortal and amazing, after all.
Balls of steel and all the Jazz Jackrabbit.
This time it's not swine flu.
But some kind of culmination of horrendous viruses passed to me
from people in pubic places being all up in my grill.
The doctor thought it was exciting,
but I just found it painful.
And now my normal speaking voice sounds like a rusty blender
gobbling up wheels of moldy cheese.
Also,
this text-to-speech voice just won't do.
So you know what time it is.
[female computer voice] Ah, much better.
Yes.
It's time for the Female Lazy Game Reviewer's triumphant return to glory.
[incoherent]
[freaked up version of LGR Theme]
[female LGR voice] Today we are taking a look at Donkey Kong Country 2,
a game that is the sequel to Donkey Kong Country
and is the prequel to Donkey Kong Country 3
and the Country Donkey Dick Sequel Kong.
Now, the first DKC is what I call my "comfort game,"
because it's one I can always come back to when I am sick and need a good pick me up.
Like right now when my hands are falling off
and my ears are exploding
and my nose is on fire with the fire of a thousand fires.
I hate it.
My dual diseases, I mean.
Not this game.
This game is pretty good compared to dying.
This time around the big donkey himself has been kidnapped.
And it's up to you as Diddy Kong and Dixie Kong
to rescue him before nothing happens.
I have to be honest,
even though I am a girl, I never liked playing Dixie Kong.
She has all these awesome abilities and I can't stand being awesome.
I guess I'm just used to playing the big floppy Kong instead,
with his rolling moves and slapping the dirt for bananas.
But yeah,
here you are two small Kongs and you can do moves off each other.
So that's nice.
There are a bunch of new enemies to knock out,
new coins to collect,
and new animal buddies to enslave and force to do your bidding.
I approve of this manipulation of the natural virtual world.
Mr. David Wise has Donkey Kong Country returned to compose the soundtrack for this game too,
and that is just great because his music makes me want to eat pizza and Oreo cookies.
It is not quite up to par with the first game and fewer tracks are memorable to me,
but that's probably because I ate too many Oreos and pizzas at the same time.
In the same mouth.
And it was mushy.
Otherwise,
the game is full of sandwiches and tree limbs.
What is a breeze?
Really.
Sometimes manholes.
I'm sorry.
I forget who was what, when, where, how, okay.
Back to the game.
Which makes me happy but not as happy
as the original Konkey Dong Country game.
There are too many pirate ships and annoying underwater levels
and some of the areas are pure evil in a way that remind me that,
yes,
I am sick and have viruses in my body trying to kill me.
I do not enjoy being reminded of this when playing a game for comfort.
So usually I play a handful of levels of this one and turn it off.
My apologies to anyone who thinks this is the best.
But you are wrong and I am Oreo cookies.
It makes me feel better.
But only a little.
Daggone it.
Now if you'll excuse me,
I feel like dying.
[warbled version of DKC2 "Game Over" song]