(energetic music)
(screaming in pain)
- Ray, I don't know how your ass did this, man.
(laughing)
(screaming in pain)
- Ow!
Wait, wait, wait.
I can't take it.
Tony.
- It hasn't even started yet.
- Oh!
(laughing)
- Sure tattoos are expensive, painful,
and have been linked to cancer and hepatitis.
But it's nothing compared to a lifetime
of lookin' bad ass.
(laughing)
I've always wanted a neck tattoo
but on white people they tend to read a bit Nazi-ish.
(laughing)
So, when I discovered this website called Momentary Ink
that makes extremely realistic, custom,
temporary tattoos, I decided to toughen up
the dorks on my staff with some sick neck tatts.
(metal music)
- All right, Eddie.
Since you like the most boring-ass basketball team,
I got you the most boring ass tattoo.
It's pretty bad ass.
Swish.
Tim Duncan bank shot.
All right, if you live in a hip, up and coming neighborhood,
IE black this tattoos is gonna make it so fun for you
to meet your neighbors
when you're hanging out on the stoop.
(laughing)
It's not about hate it's about...
- Heritage.
That's right.
- It's hard to embarrass a man who already has
a cassette tape permanently tattooed to their arm
and goes to Coachella every single year.
But I think this did the trick.
What we went with is a neck tatt
of the lyrics of Smashmouth's
hit from the movie "Shrek",
"All Star."
(laughing)
♪ Hey now ♪
♪ You're an all star ♪
♪ Get your game on ♪
♪ Go play ♪
You two rednecks went to the University of Alabama
so I'm sure you're gonna appreciate these Auburn tattoos.
Get a good shot of those for your stupid message boards
you cousin (beeping) hillbillies.
(laughing)
War Eagle.
- [Both] War Eagle.
(bird screeching)
(laughing)
(heavy rock music)
You still feelin' the burn, Charlie?
Good luck explaining that to your liberal Hollywood friends.
All right, now it's my turn.
Remember, I love the Dolphins, surfing,
and chocolate chip cookies.
Please be respectful.
A dick choker.
Dick and pubes.
Tribal dick on my head.
I love it.
(laughing)
I love it.
Tosh .0 'til we (beeping) die.
- Nothin' a lot of gasoline
and steel wool couldn't scrub off.
But not before I got my new passport photo.
(laughing)
Yeah, I don't know which one I'm gonna pick.
Showed up to a rally for women's rights.
Met some fans and then hit up my favorite gay comedy club.
One of the best sets I've had in a while.
Must've been the shirt.
(energetic music)
(laughing)
They can't all be Air Bud.
Hey, dip (beeping), maybe you quit feedin'
your dog tacos he'd have better eyesight.
(laughing)
My insensitive staff found this video hysterical.
It's animal cruelty as far as I'm concerned.
So, I challenged them to see
if they could do any better.
(energetic music)
(audience groaning)
(laughing)
(applauding and laughing)
(kissing noises)
(applauding)
Two people bled from the crust of that pizza.
Lawsuit comin' Little Caesar's.
(aggressive music)
Most of the people who work for me
are either overweight or have terrible diets.
I decided the best way to fix their eating habits
would be to secretly replace their snacks
with various poisons until those freeloading animals
were too afraid to eat anything at all.
(laughing)
The first thing I did was I set up a hidden camera
in our kitchen, put out some fancy dog treats.
My staff will eat anything if you set it out
on a nice plate.
(laughing)
Everyone's eyeballin' it.
She wants to make it's gluten free.
That guy's favorite cookie in the world
is a fig newton.
You'd think someone like that would
be impressed by dog food.
(laughing)
But nope he immediately spits it out.
That's one of our editors.
He's just chewin' it.
He's processing it.
This guy went down on Bree Olson.
You'd think he could handle this.
(laughing)
Nope, and that's comin' out.
And there's Rickie.
Oh, Rick.
I hate to do this to you, Ricky.
(laughing) But he's takin' a bite of it and he's like,
"Oh, that's not bad."
Let me try another bite. Let me get one more of those.
(laughing)