People look at my personal experiences in life.
Oh, there is nothing meaner
in this world...
than a 12-year-old black girl.
[laughter]
Terrifying.
Just full of sass and confidence
and beads flying everywhere.
You gotta give 'em the beads so you can hear 'em coming.
Otherwise, they just silent predators.
[laughter]
I know that's a little bit of a harsh statement,
so I'd like to tell you a story to prove my point a bit.
Tell you about the time I saw a 12-year-old black girl.
I was in New York City,
just coming up out of the subway.
Twelve-year-old black girl spotted me.
[laughter]
And I didn't have time to run away.
[laughter]
She just looks me dead in my eyes.
And she just goes, oh.
You're killing it.
[laughter]
In a way that indicated I clearly was not.
[laughter]
Who does that to a stranger?
I didn't know her!
That was five years ago.
I'm still fucked up about it.
[laughter]
I don't even want to talk about it no more.
I'ma go in my happy place.
Thank you.
Talk about my favorite show.
The best show on television.
So sweet and charming.
It's called "The Great British Baking Show."
[cheers and applause]
Oh!
Hell yeah!
I love that show!
I love everything about it-- - Mary Berry!
- Oh, girl, I love Paul Hollywood, first of all.
I love Mary Berry, girl!
[cheers and applause]
I love Mary Berry!
Ooh!
I'ma figure out a way to impregnate that old lady.
[laughter]
I'ma do it. I'ma do it!
Believe in me.
Love "The Great British Baking Show."
If you don't know it, it's a baking competition show,
obviously set in Great Britain,
where they have no...
prize... money.
[laughter]
Why are you doing it?
[laughter]
You're just baking for the love of cake?
Oh!
And I'm gonna stress,
watch "The Great British Baking Show,"
because there is also a spin-off
called "The Great American Baking Show."
- No. - Boo!
- Yeah. [laughter]
Fucking sucks.
[laughter]
It's not sweet. It's not charming.
It has this baker that looks like a magician,
and I don't like that.
[laughter]
If a competitor on "The Great British Baking Show"
finishes a challenge early,
do you know what they do?
They go and help...
[laughter]
The other competitors.
[cheers and applause]
What the fuck is that?
We don't do that in American reality shows.
You gotta set somebody on fire.
[laughter]
If "The Great British Baking Show" was created in America,
it'd just be called "Murder Cake."
[laughter]
Two bakers walk in.
You can fin-- you can finish it.
[laughter]
However many you want.
[laughs]
But I love baking shows. I love 'em.
I love cooking shows.
I love 'em even more lately.
They're a great way for me to get my vices out,
watching somebody else eat horrible foods
while I drink a protein shake or whatever.
So I'm sure some of you have never seen me before
in your life, but...
- You look great, Ron! - Thank you!
[cheers and applause]
Yeah.
If you have seen me before, you might be aware,
in the last two years, I've lost 140 pounds,
which is a big deal for me.
[cheers and applause]
[mouthing words]
[cheers and applause]
And I'm not done yet!
I'ma get real healthy
and not just American healthy.
[laughter]
At my heaviest, I was 360 pounds,
which is a lot of a human being.
And at one point in my adult life, I was just like,
Oh, I'll just probably never be under 300 pounds.
Uh, but then my mom talked to me, some friends talked to me,
and they got me motivated, and I got under 300 pounds,
and I was like, This is pretty cool, but, you know, whatever.
Probably never be under, like, 250.
But I kept working out.
Kept throwing up.
[laughter]
But then after I threw up, I worked out.
Then I got under 250, and I was like, oh, shit.
I want to see how healthy I can get.
And my friends are not supportive.
[laughter]
I mean, they were at the start, you know,
when I wasn't a threat to their sexual conquests.
[laughter]
[cheers and applause]
But now they're just like, okay, come on, Ron, calm down!
You already sweet and charming.
You got way more money than us.
These are the things I think they be saying.
I don't really be listening.
[laughs]
I know what they say.
'Cause it hurts my feelings sometimes.
Sometimes they'll just be like, look, Ron.
Look, I hate to say it,
but you're just not as fun as you used to be.
You used to be so fun.
Just eating cheese steaks and sweating all the time.
[laughter]
We miss that guy.
Now all you want to do is eat oatmeal, work out.
Ugh.
Why don't you be fun again?
Come out with your boys.
Do the things we used to do.
We can get some midnight...
secret pizza.
[giggles]
And we don't have to tell nobody.
'Cause that's the only rule of secret pizza.
[laughter]
We take this Tombstone to our grave.
[laughter]
[giggles]
But I can't do that anymore.
That's what I learned about myself, you know?
As you get a little bit older,
you learn more about yourself, your shortcomings.
Instead of trying to fix every little thing,
you just start to try to accept yourself, who you truly are.
I just learned I'm just not the type of dude
that can have secret pizza.
Oh, 'cause I can't stop.
My friends can stop, you know?
They can get off their diet,
get back on their diet like nothing happened.
Oh, if I have secret pizza?
Shit, the next thing I know,
I'm in the parking lot of a Wendy's
sucking a dick for a Baconator.
[laughter]
And I don't even really have to do that.
They are very affordable.
[laughter]