Today was a very bad day for President Trump.
Not only was his favorite comedian found guilty,
but then the man he picked for Veterans Affairs
was forced to withdraw from consideration.
And on top of all of that,
Trump's 23andMe results came back,
and they confirm that he's 50% Eric.
So...
Trump did what everyone does when they're feeling down.
He called into a Fox News morning show
and it was honestly epic.
Because, normally, when Trump has a bad day,
we know Trump watches Fox & Friends,
and yells at the TV.
But today he did the same thing
but we all got to listen in.
And you could tell from the start
that this was going to be special.
Thank you so much for being with us, Mr. President.
TRUMP: Well, good morning.
And I picked a very, very special day
because it's Melania's birthday.
So I said, "Let's do it on Melania's birthday."
So happy birthday to Melania.
All right. Hopefully there will be visits in between.
But have you decided on,
or do you want to tell us what you got her?
TRUMP: Well, I better not get into that,
'cause I may get in trouble.
Maybe I didn't get her so much.
I'll tell you what, she has done--
I got her a beautiful card.
(laughter)
How did Trump mess up the world's easiest question?
It's like they threw him a softball
and he swung and hit himself in the dick.
(laughter)
And, I mean, it's her birthday.
I can't believe that Donald didn't get Melania anything
for her birthday.
Now she might think he's not a very good husband.
Also, I would pay anything to know what he wrote inside
that card that he definitely didn't actually get.
Like, "Roses are red. Love is a mystery.
I had a historic electoral college victory."
Why did Trump say
he called in to Fox & Friends?
Because it was Melania's birthday.
Like, what does that mean? He's like,
"Honey, I've got a great celebration
"planned for us today.
"I'm gonna talk to some TV people
while sitting on the toilet."
(with Slovenian accent): Like, "Oh, thank you, Donald.
My life is a beautiful dream."
(laughter)
Okay, so, so the interview didn't get off to a great start.
But then it got worse.
TRUMP: I get along with Kanye.
I get along with a lot of people, frankly.
But Kanye looks, and he sees black unemployment
at the lowest it's been in the history of our country.
Have Republicans done a bad job ignoring the black community
up until now?
TRUMP: You know, I think it was just a custom.
Uh, people don't realize, you know,
if you go back to the Civil War,
it was the Republicans that really did the thing.
Lincoln was a Republican.
"Republicans did the thing"?
Trump would make a dope history teacher.
It would be so easy to pass.
"Class, what was the turning point in the Civil War?"
"Uh, the thing?" "A-plus."
Like, he's the first sober person
I've heard doing drunk history.
That's amazing.
Now, this interview was so long and incoherent and rambling,
that even Trump's friends on Fox & Friends
became uncomfortable,
and you could tell by the looks on their faces.
TRUMP: I will not be involved with the Justice Department.
I will wait till this is over.
It's a total-- it's all lies.
-It's an absolute disgrace. -All right.
-TRUMP: And by the way... -I want to ask you...
No, no. But wouldn't-- No, no, but think of it.
With their loss of the electoral college
-that they should never lose, -Mm-hmm.
because the electoral college is set up--
700,000 from a group.
Years to approve them. Years.
-But... -We have judges that...
You would think that these guys would treat me great.
I made them a fortune, so they treat me horribly.
-And they treat me-- -Okay.
People say, "You're still looking good, Mr. President."
-You still had-- Our just-- -All right. Right. Okay.
-There is no collusion with me. -All right. -All right.
I would rather have the popular vote because it's, to me,
-it's much easier -It's a-- yeah. It's a totally
-to win the popular vote. -different set of goals,
-You know, but, -as opposed to the electoral college.
-but we have an electoral college. -Right.
I-I got 306 and she got, what, 223.
-So, remember, there was no way to break 270. -Right.
-I heard that on CBS, -All right.
and NBC and ABC-- they're all fake news.
-I heard that for so long. -M-Mist...
-And CNN. -Right.
-...supposed to do better -Let's talk about--
-than people think... -M-Mr. President.
-but, you know, it's very... -Right.
We-We could talk to you all day, but it looks like
-you have a million things to do. -You could.
(laughter)
(cheers and applause)
Oh, man.
Oh. Oh, wow.
I can safely say that I've never seen a news anchor try
to bail on an interview with the president of the United States.
Like, how is it that he's the commander in chief,
but it's the couch people who have better things to do?
"We-We'd love to keep chatting,
"but there's a video of a dog skateboarding
that we have to get to, Mr. President. Good-bye."
Like, I never thought I'd say this,
but I actually almost feel bad for Fox & Friends.
Because if you're at a party
and some boring-ass dude wouldn't stop talking to you,
you could just be like, "Uh, I have to go get a drink."
But these poor guys are on live television.
The only excuse they could come up with
was that Trump probably had important things to do
when it was pretty clear that he absolutely did not.
He was like, "No, I actually have the whole day free.
After all, it's Melania's birthday."