♪ ♪ ♪
>> James: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, DURING THIS BIZARRE TIME, I THINK WE ALL WISH WE
COULD RETURN TO SOME SENSE OF NORMALCY AND DO THE THINGS WE
LOVE, LIKE GOING TO THE MOVIES, HAVING DINNER PARTIES, PAYING
FOR YOUR SHOW WITH INCLUSIVE SPONSORSHIPS.
THAT'S WHY I WAS SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT EVEN IN THE MIDST OF
ALL THIS INSANITY, WE HAVE A SPONSORED SEGMENT TONIGHT.
IT'S FROM THE GOOD FOLKS AT PANERA BREAD.
PANERA: FOOD AS IT SHOULD BE...
BREAD.
AND THEY'RE A PERFECT SPONSOR FOR THE MOMENT, BECAUSE SO MANY
PEOPLE HAVE TURNED TO BAKING DURING THIS CRISIS.
AND THE RESULTS HAVE, WELL, BEEN MIXED.
TAKE BRITISH POLITICIAN HEIDI ALLEN, WHO LEFT HER COOKIES IN
THE OVEN A BIT TOO LONG.
OF COURSE, YOU BURN YOUR BISCUITS ON "THE GREAT BRITISH
BAKE-OFF" AND LEGALLY THE QUEEN CAN HAVE YOU BEHEADED.
ANOTHER PERSON ON TWITTER BAKED THIS LOAF OF BREAD THAT WAS SO
HARD, SHE COULDN'T CUT IT WITH AN AXE.
NO SURPRISE THERE.
REAL BAKERS KNOW, TO CUT YOUR SOURDOUGH, YOU SHOULD USE A
SERRATED LOAF HATCHET.
I EVEN FAILED MYSELF.
THIS IS MY VERY OWN TUB OF FAILED SOURDOUGH STARTER.
IF THIS CRISIS HAS TAUGHT ME ONE THING IT'S THAT YOU MAY NOT BE
ABLE TO MAKE YOUR OWN BREAD, BUT YOU CAN ALWASY MAKE YOUR OWN
DRYWALL SPACKLE.
HEY, BAKING ISN'T ALWAYS EASY.
AND THERE'S NO NEED TO WASTE THE TIME, THE INGREDIENTS, OR A
PERFECTLY GOOD AXE.
LEAVE THAT TO THE PROFESSIONALS AT PANERA.
AFTER ALL, BREAD IS IN THEIR NAME.
IS "BREAD" IN YOUR NAME?
AND, YES, BRAD PITT, YOU'RE JUST ONE LETTER OFF FROM "BREAD
PITT," BUT YOU CLEARLY HAVEN'T TOUCHED A CARB IN 25 YEARS.
SO LET THE PROS HANDLE IT FROM HERE.
AND SINCE THIS IS NATIONAL NURSE'S AND TEACHER'S WEEK,
PANERA CAN HELP YOU THANK HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS AND
TEACHERS ON THE FRONT LINES.
YOU CAN ORDER PANERA FOR DELIVERY TO HOSPITALS, HOMES, OR
ANYWHERE YOU KNOW THERE'S SOMEONE WHO NEEDS IT.
AND THOSE DELIVERIES COME WITH THE FAMOUS PANERA GUARANTEE THAT
ALL THEIR FOOD CAN BE ENJOYED WITHOUT FORESTRY TOOLS.
SPEAKING OF THANKING PEOPLE, IT'S JUST FOUR DAYS UNTIL
MOTHER'S DAY, WHICH MEANS IT'S THREE DAYS UNTIL YOU START
PANIC-GOOGLING "24-HOUR FLORISTS."
BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS SEND THE MOM IN YOUR LIFE A CARD.
AND SINCE IT'S HARDER TO GATHER IN PERSON THIS YEAR, THOSE CARDS
WILL MATTER MORE THAN EVER.
THE THING IS, THE PEOPLE WHO WRITE GREETING CARDS DON'T
ALWAYS GET IT RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY.
SO WE'RE TAKING A LOOK AT SOME OF THEIR EARLY ATTEMPTS IN OUR
RECURRING HOLIDAY SEGMENT, "FIRST DRAFTS!"
>> NO, STUPID!
>> Stephen: AS ALWAYS, WHEN DOING FIRST DRAFTS FOR MOTHER'S
DAY, I NEED A MOM VOLUNTEER FROM THE AUDIENCE TO COME UP AND HELP
ME.
LET'S SEE.
UM, MISS?
WOULD YOU HELP ME?
>> HI!
>> Stephen: THIS IS MY WIFE, EVIE.
SAY HELLO.
>> HI.
>> Stephen: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, FIRST OF ALL,.
>> THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: NORMALLY, WE WOULD TAKE YOU OUT FOR A MOTHER'S DAY
BRUNCH, OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
>> NOT REALLY.
WE NEVER DO THAT.
>> Stephen: WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
I DON'T KNOW WHY I SAID THAT.
WHAT DO WE NORMALLY DO?
>> COFF NEBED, THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR.
>> Stephen: COFFEE IN BED.
FOR YEARS I MADE YOU SCONES.
>> EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: AND THE GIRLS-- THE GIRL.
>> WE HAVE ONE GIRL, TWO BOYS.
>> Stephen: THE KIDS WOULD BRING YOU BREAKFAST IN BED.
>> YOU'RE NERVOUS.
>> Stephen: I AM A LITTLE NERVOUS TO HAVE YOU ON HERE.
I WANT THIS TO BE A GOOD EXPERIENCE FOR YOU.
>> I'LL COME BACK.
>> Stephen: YOU'LL COME BACK, GOOD.
>> I LIVE HERE.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU SEEN "FIRST DRAFTS" BEFORE?
>> I HAVE.
>> Stephen: SO YOU KNOW HOW THIS WORKS.
>> Stephen: I DO.
>> Stephen: WHAT I HAVE IN MY HAND IS A GREETING CARD, AND THE
GREETING CARD UNDERNEATH THAT WAS THE FIRST DRAFT THAT WAS NOT
SUCCESSFUL AND WAS NOT SOLD.
>> OKAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT I NEED YOU TO DO WOULD YOU HAND ME-- AND I
ASK-- WOULD YOU HAND ME THE GREETING CARD AND I'LL SHOW THE
PEOPLE AND WE'LL DO THE BIT.
>> HOW DO YOU WANT ME TO HAND IT TO YOU, FACE-UP.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN JUST HAND IT TO ME.
I'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
HOW IS THE DOG?
>> HE'S TRYING.
>> Stephen: THAT'S GOOD.
THAT WILL MAKE US GO FAST.
THAT WILL MAKE IT GO FASTER.
>> YOU REALIZE THE WHOLE FAMILY IS IN THIS ROOM.
>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.
CAN I HAVE THE FIRST CARD PLEASE.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THIS IS A LOVELY ONE.
IT SAYS, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, MOM, YOU'RE IRREPLACEABLE."
>> THAT'S VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
>> VERY SWEET.
VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: IT'S TRUE.
>> VERY SWEET.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY...
I UNSUCCESSFULLY TRIED TO BARTER YOU FOR A CASE OF CLOROX WIPES."
>> ACTUALLY, THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU CAN'T GET THOSE.
>> Stephen: NO, YOU CAN'T GET THOSE RIGHT NOW, NO.
>> OH, I LIKE THIS ONE.
>> Stephen: THIS ONE HAS A LOVELY YOGA LADY ON IT THERE.
A FUN MOM MEDITATING WITH A GLASS OF WINE AND IT SAYS,
"WINEFULNESS."
THAT'S FUNNY.
>> VERY FUNNY.
VERY FUNNY.
.>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "NAMA-STAY AWAY FROM
MOMMY.
HE'S OPENING HER MERLOT CHAKRA."
>> THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
>> Stephen: YOU'RE MORE OF A WHITE WINE LADY, ANYWAY.
HERE'S ONE THAT SAYS, "YOU'RE THE NUMBER ONE MOM.
AND INSIDE IT SAYS, "THERE'S JUST NO CONTEST."
>> VERY NICE.
>> Stephen: BUT THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, "YOU'RE THE NUMBER
ONE MOM BECAUSE, FRANKLY, I HAVEN'T SEEN ANOTHER WOMAN IN
MONTHS, SO THERE'S NO BASIS FOR COMPARISON."
IT'S TRUE.
HOW'S-- HOW'S QUARANTINING GOING FOR YOU SO FAR?
>> QUARANTINING IS GOING VERY WELL.
>> Stephen: IS IT, REALLY?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: SO YOU'RE FINE WITH IT CONTINUING.
>> THIS HAS BEEN KIND OF FUN.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE PUT ON REAL CLO CLOTHES AND MAYO
CLINIC UP IN EIGHT WEEKS SO THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: I'M AGREEMENTFUL FOR CASTING YOU TODAY.
I'M NOT SURE WHO THIS PERSON I HAVE BEEN LIVING WITH IS.
HERE'S ONE.
( LAUGHTER )
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET, MOM?" >> UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE FIRST DRAFT: "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
WHY DOES A MYSTERIOUS MAN NAMED SERGIO KEEP SAYING HE'S MY REAL
FATHER?" THAT'S SERGIO.
I LIKE SERGIO.
>> YOU NEVER KNOW, SERGIO.
>> Stephen: SERGIO.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO JUST, LIKE, BE ABLE-- WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ABLE
TO GO OFF AND DO YOUR OWN THING FOR MOTHER'S DAY, BUT YOU CAN'T.
>> YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHERE.
>> Stephen: YOU CAN'T LEAVE US.
IF YOU COULD DO ANYTHING, FIRST DAY OUT OF QUARANTINE, WHAT
WOULD YOU WANT TO DO?
>> YOGA CLASS.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: I WOULD GO VISIT YOUR EXPARNTS GIVE THEM A HUG.
THERE YOU GO.
BECAUSE I LOVE THEM.
>> WELL, I SEE THEM -- >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO!
NICE TRY.
>>ALL RIGHT.
>> Stephen: BETTER... SON.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE: "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
MOM, YOU WERE RIGHT ABOUT EVERYTHING."
>> YEAH, I LIKE THAT, THAT IS GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE THAT ONE.
BUT HERE'S THE FIRST DRAFT: "HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
HOW DID YOU KNOW MY WIFE WAS NAILING HER YOGA TEACHER?"
>> I'M SORRY ABOUT THE YOGA COMMENT EARLIER.
NOW IT'S NOT FUNNY.
>> Stephen: NO, IT'S NOT-- IT MIGHT BE FUNNIER.
IT MIGHT BE FUNNIER NOW.
>> I DON'T KNOW.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK-- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF MY
NEW OUTFITS BECAUSE I'M NOT WEARING THE SUITS?
>> I LIKE THE "MAN IN BLACK THING."
>> Stephen: YOU LIKE THE JOHNNY CASH.
THANK YOU.
YOU ARE REALLY A WONDERFUL MOTHER.
>> THANK YOU.
>> Stephen: JAWRNG ISN'T SHE A WONDERFUL MOTHER?
>> WHAT'S HE GOING TO SAY.
>> YES.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SAY, "YES."
OKAY.
>> THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A MOTHER'S DAY CARD.
>> Stephen: LET ME FINISH.
I HAVEN'T READ ANY OF IT.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT SAYS ON THE CARD.
PREJUDGING.
IMPROV.
OKAY.
HERE'S A PLAYFUL ONE.
THERE'S THE IMAGE, THAT'S NOT MOTHERLY, EVIDENTLY.
AND "HAPPY MUMMY'S DAY."
>> I GET IT.
VERY CLEVER.
>> Stephen: THE FIRST DRAFT SAID, ""I'VE GOT SOME WEIRD
PLANS FOR YOUR FUNERAL."
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ROBERT DE NIRO.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I HOPE YOU ENJOYED YOURSELF.
>> MY PLEASURE.
I ENJOYED IT OH, MY PLEASURE.
CAN I SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> SO YOU KNOW HOW I WANT TO CLEAN THIS ROOM ALL THE TIME.
>> Stephen: YES,.
>> SO I WENT IN HERE TODAY, TRIED TO CLEAN IT UP, AND I
FOUND SOMETHING I WANT TO SHOW YOU FOR MOTHER'S DAY.
>> Stephen: WHAT DID YOU FIND?
>> HOLD ON.
I THINK IT'S GOOD FOR MOTHER'S DAY.
>> Stephen: OH!
>> ISN'T THAT SWEET?
>> Stephen: THIS IS GREAT.
THIS IS-- I MADE THIS FOR MY MOM-- WHERE DID YOU FIND THIS?
>> IN THE DRAWER DOWN THERE.
>> Stephen: I MADE THIS FOR MY MOM-- I'LL PUT IT RIGHT HERE ON
THIS SHOT.
>> I LOVE IT.
>> Stephen: I MADE A VEGETABLE CYPRESS PEA FOR MY MOM WHEN I
WAS ELEMENTARY SCHOOL.
IT WAS A HELL OF A SOUP.
>> HELL OF A SOUP?
>> Stephen: YEAH.
>> IT'S CARROT, ONION, POTATO, CELERY.
MEAT, TOMATO, OKRA?
IS THAT OKRA?
>> >> Stephen: THAT'S OKRA,
YEAH.
>> CORN, BUTTER BEANS, GREEN BEANS AND 53S.
YOU WENT FOR ALL OF THAT,.
>> Stephen: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
♪ ♪ ♪