[intro music]
Chase: Hello everybody, it's me Chasey poo
today I want to kind of, like do kind of like a response video
but like a part 2 video to something that i made a long time ago
that I should probably remake.
I made a video a while ago called, erm, 'how I know i'm trans'
or 'how I knew I was trans'. and I kinda talked about, you know, all these different
aspects of like me being younger, and like my childhood and my relationships with my dad
and my friends and stuff like that. but what i wanna go into today is part 2
and is more of how I knew I was trans as in how, like, what solidified
the need for transition for me. like, how did i know that i needed to
transition for sure.
so that's kind of what i want to talk about.
so i think its super important that we talk about this and i wish more people
would make more videos about this because i , i would love
people's experience, like, how did you know that this was right for you
because i get a lot of comments like "how did you know you're trans?"
but also "how did you know transition was right for you?"
so i wanna talk about two specific things that really, really
kind of, really made me realise
that this is who i am and this is what i need
so what really helped me, honestly, when i was younger
is talking to other trans people online
and seeing the way that they transitioned
and the way that their lives were after they transitioned
or while they were transitioning
and how happy they were. That right there made me think
oh my god, i could be happy. Because, yeah, i was a happy teen
and kid and stuff like that but there was always something missing
and i never knew what is was and then, you know, i was a super tomboy
and then i wasnt and it was [stuttering] , honesty, it was all over the place, okay
and i suffered a lot and mentally and i didn't know what to do
but seeing people being able to transition
because, like, back then hunties, it was 2006
okay, the only, like, trans representation that was out there was like
none. you know, there was a little bit
and there was 'Boy's Don't Cry' and, you know, the character dies
and its like, okay, I can't be trans 'coz I'm gonna die
that was the only reference that I had. which is not very good to have when you're young
i was 15 years old so seeing other people live
you know, past 21, past 18 even and see that they have lives
and especially seeing that they graduate from university
and you know, you can have a life
its really, really, really made me realise
that i can do this and its not like 'oh its too hard i'm not gonna do it'
it wasn't like that at all, ever, it was more like
its more like 'its too hard, i don't know if i can do this'
is this worth it, to lose everything over my feelings and, you know, being happy
and yes it is, okay, it was for me and it took
a lot of thinking but i knew that diving in was gonna be the only way
that i could do it and i don't recommend doing that
like, "am i ready for T, i don't know, let me try it"
you know, don't do that. but i will 100% be honest and say that i don't know if i was ready
when i started hormones, I was 19 years old
and not that there's an age thing but i ... i had a lot of things that
i probably should have talked about and gone through and processed
in therapy. but i am glad i went on hormones at 19 and i started young, i guess,
because now I'm older, I'm like 'Damm i was young', you know
but at that point i'm like 'oh i'm so old'. so it's interesting where we are in our minds
and how we kind of relate to our bodies and our identities and where
we are and like time is based. so its really interesting
But anyway, seeing other people transition and being older and having
a life and being married and having kids was like someone punched me in the face with reality
and i'm like "it is real" so that's when i was like "okay i need to transition
i need to do this and, so i decided to go on T and i told myself
"if this isn't right and i dont feel right, im just gonna go off
and that's okay" and i was okay with that. i pretended, like, that testosterone
that was going in my body in the first year of my transition of testosterone was
what my body was naturally producing. yes i had to inject myself but in my mind that's what it felt like
and that made me feel better because for some reason i didn't like the medical aspect
of transition being trans, the needles and doctors and nurses and medicine. i didn't like that
so imagining in my head that it was a natural occurring thing in my body
made me feel better and after a year i decided to go off of T and i felt like the changes were too fast
and that i couldn't even recognise myself and, you know what, thats fine that's how i was because
i always told myself "listen to your body, listen to your mind, what do you need,
who cares about what other people think
so i went off of T and i got a lot of shit
a lot, you know, i got "our lesbian's comming back to us" and people thought i was
detransitioning an you know that's not really fun, especially when it comes from your own community
but going off of T was something that i absoloutely needed to do
and it made me feel good
and after about 8 to 10 months i stopped passing
and i went to the grocery store and a person went "madam" (miss)
and i was like "no, it's sir", she was like "no, madam"
like , no. so she corrected me on me correcting her
and, you know, after being misgendered a couple of times
i realised, oh my god, no no no no no
no no no, i cant do this. it feels so good when im gendered correctly
and when i'm pronouned correctly and when people see me as how i see myself
and i needed that 10 months of a break i guess in order to really realise
that transition is something that i need and that i want
and then the second part of that is that i booked my top surgery
in 2012 and i was getting ready for surgery
beauty
and if I'm gonna be completely honest with you, i wasn't ready
and i felt like i booked it to quickly and i felt pressured because i know that a lot of my friends had
been getting top surgery and i know that i needed top surgery but i didnt know that i
needed to be mentaly ready. so i booked my surgery and then i couldn't. So i canceled it
and i waited a year. oh my god, that year that i waited honestly is like a blessing
because i had to bind for another summer and summers in Montreal are very moist
and humid and wet and i was just melting the whole summer
and realising how much sugery would impact and change my life
for the better, thats when i really, that's what solidified the 'you need to do this'
and it really really helped me to take that year to really think about
surgery because it mentally made me ready.
you can't just jump into things like this because everyone else is doing it
and that's what I've learnt throughout my transition
and something that i wish people would have talked about in 2009
but no one did and that's okay and I'm sure there is taboo related to this and people
don't want this to go out and, you know, they don't want people to have this information
you know what, whatever! This is my life and this is how i experience my life
and i definitely wasn't ready for top surgery and so i cancelled it
and then i had it the year later and it was one of the happiest days of my life.
it was a horrible, horrible recovery and it sucked a lot for me but to be able to
feel free and ready was key
so for me, knowing that i needed to transition and that it was something that i absolutely needed.
meant that i also knew i was ready
i know that can seem a little bit confusing but that's just how it feels in my brain
that's , like, i wasn't ready so I didn't do it or i wasn't ready and i jumped in to it
so i stopped and went back when i was ready
and then i booked my surgery, i wasn't ready, so i cancelled it then in booked it again when i was ready
and when i was ready it made it so much better
and it made it taste better, you know, like victory
i felt freedom and i feel like , yeah, of course, I would have felt freedom if would have got to top
surgery the year before but i wouldn't have mentally been okay
i wouldn't have been ready for all the mental aspects that surgery brings onto you
'coz i had never had surgery before so its a big deal
but "oh, top surgery, no big deal" its a big deal, just because like a lot of people have top surgery
doesn't mean its not a big deal, yeh its still a big deal - its surgery. its major surgery
they're taking skin off your titty, man.
erm, [laughs] that year of reflection and self reflection and kind of really realising where i
was at in my mind and kid of i guess maturing a little bit
erm, really made me realise that that's what i needed
and im not saying that age has anything to do with it erm, because i know people who are 16
and had top surgery and that's when they were ready
and that's great, everybody's ready date and ready year that they are age is not the same
my ready age for hormones was 20 not 19. my ready age for top surgery was 22 not 21
you know, for some people they're ready age was 4, 14, 16. its different for everyone
so i want people to know that and understand that you're not alone no matter how old you are
and how ready or not ready you feel. if you don't feel ready, take your time. no ones rushing you
and i think that we need to talk way more
not that i think that people are gonna detransition and regret things and make mistakes but
you know, i think that we rush into things sometimes and its okay to just slow down and take a break
and not feel pressured. this is your life, its no one elses life
its yours. you do what you need to do in order to make you happy 'coz its all on you
and i listened to myself and im so glad that i did because waiting, the waiting is horrible
and it really really slapped me in the face like, oh my god i need this. i need to transition
i need top surgery
so those are my experiences. if you have any similar experiences i would absolutely love to talk about
this in the comments below. erm, tell me about your stories and, you know, what you've been through
i know its a bit taboo and you don't have to share if you don't want but i would love to know if you have
experienced something similar
alright, i'll see you later. have a great day. bye