And then she slips into
like full on tantrum mode where she like presses herself into
the wall and starts going, "You owe me a major apology."
Thank you, everybody. On this show here's what
happens, it's just a bunch of comics telling true stories and
that's all it is. Tonight it's all about fights. He's
absolutely hilarious, you guys love him. Give it up, Mr. Will
Weldon, everybody. Let him hear it. I was out on a
second date with a lady. And our first date had been fine, you
know like date where afterwards you're like, "I still have no
opinion on this person." Like it could still.. We had a nice
time, but then she slept in until 11:30 the next morning,
and that's a weird thing to do in a stranger's bed. Like it's
just weird, it's weird to have someone in your bed and you've
like written some e-mails and read for a bit, and you've got
like a coffee and you're like, "I don't know, is she dead? What
do I do now?" But, uh, so we went out again. And I took
her to get dinner to pay her back for the tickets to this
thing we did on the first date. Also, we didn't sleep together,
in case she sees this and she's like, "You lying piece of shit."
She just slept at my place, so I didn't even like wear her out
with sex or anything. We were like, "Good night." I don't do
that anyway. It's not my move. But so we go out, we
get dinner and that's nice, it's a nice time and she tells me I'm
like cute and funny. And I'm like, "Yeah, sure, I don't know
how to feel good about myself in appropriate ways, so that's
perfect. That's just what I need outside validation." And we go
back to my apartment, we leave my car and her purse there and
we go to a bar and we drink at a bar 'cause you do. And we're
there and we're having like a nice time. And she's like three
beers in and then I kinda just see her face kinda start to
change. And earlier in the night we walked by a bridal store,
just like by happen stance. And she had been like, "That's a
really nice dress." And I was like, "Slow down, like.." 'Cause
I'm an asshole so I was like, "Take it easy, lady."
She was like, "No no, I just mean, it's nice, it's a
well-made dress." I was like, "Well, I don't want to get
married again anyway, so it doesn't matter to me 'cause I'm
an asshole." And she's sitting there at the second bar and I
kind of see her.. she's like laughing and I like watch her
face get very serious and she's just like, "You know, Will, I
think it's really sad that you don't want to get married again.
You know, I think it's really sad. I think it's sad, you don't
want to get married again because you are basing that
decision not off of a marriage, but off of a divorce. Because
you are divorced, Will. You're divorced." First of
all, I know. I was there and it was terrible. But also, I was
also married. Like I can't just be divorced. You must be married
to get divorced. And I start to explain to her that and then
I'll tell her like, "Oh it's just not for me and I'm not
insulting the institution." And I start to say that and she
goes, "No! No! Do not interrupt me, do not interrupt me or I
will leave!" And in my brain I'm like, "I wonder if there is a
way for me to get her to just leave now." 'Cause the date is
over at this point. No one is ever like, "Well, she won me
over when she screamed in my face not to interrupt her.
That's when I knew, that's when we really clicked, when she made
a scene on the second date." And then she's like
spiraling, she's getting so mad. She's like, "It's pathetic, it
is pathetic you don't want to get married again. It's
pathetic. You're just so pathetic. It's pathetic you
don't want to get married again because I have been through so
much in my life and I will get married. I would get married and
I have been through so much. I had a fiancé who abused me
physically, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, I'm cool with
those things now, but at the time I was not cool with what he
wanted me to do in bed. Which I love that she was like, "Yeah
I'm cool now, don't worry about it, but back then, in case you
turn this around somehow, you're in for a good time, buddy."
And she's like "It's pathetic, I, you know, I was
anorexic, I weighed ninety five pounds, and now I am one hundred
and ten and now I am healthy, I am healthy. Okay?" And maybe
that seems like a lot of like personal information to be
throwing at someone on a second date, but earlier in the night
I'd been talking to her and she had mentioned she and her and
mom donít get along and she was like, "Yeah, I think my mom
resents me because when I get pregnant at eighteen, I went and
got an abortion and like made the decision that she didn't
have the courage to make." And also knew that she was an only
child, so I was like, "Are you ripping on your mom for not
aborting you right now?" I am very pro-choice, but even to me
that seems crazy. "You coward, you didn't abort me, you
piece of shit." Like, it's insane behavior. And she's so
mad, she's like, "Pathetic, you piece of shit, it's pathetic."
And then she's like, "We are.. I am calling an Uber and we are
going back to your place and you are driving me home." And I was
like, "I've got a crazy idea, why don't you call an Uber and
go home? Like, why don't we cut out the middle man being me and
you just go home? Because, honestly, you've been really
rude to me tonight. I don't want to drive you home." And she
goes, [gasps] "How dare you? First of all, my purse is at
your apartment and I do not know where you live." And I filed
that away in the good news pile, for sure. Checkmark.
And then she's like, "But, also, how are you talk to me like
that? No one has ever spoken to me that way." Which means she
had the world's most polite abusive fiancé. Like, he'd just
be like, "Time for a walloping, Madame." So I'm like, "Yeah,
sure, fine, just get out of my life." So we go out and she
calls the Uber, it shows up, we get in. I open the door for her
and as she gets in she goes, "Fuck you," like under.. like
she's like, "Now is not the time for chivalry." So we
take the car back to her house and I'm talking with the driver
as if nothing's going on 'cause I know it is making her so mad
that I am not acknowledging the reality of the situation.. That
I'm just like, "Oh yeah, crazy night. Nah, we were just having
drinks and heading back now." She's like, "I'm gonna.. this
piece of shit.. I just wanna.." So we get back and we go up to
my apartment. I go and splash like cold water on my face
'cause that's like what people do in movies during really
stressful situations. And I go into my bedroom and she's like,
"I looked it up, a taxi home is twenty five dollars, you owe me
twenty five dollars." And I'm like, "No, no, I'll
drive you home. It's not.. I will drive you home, like I want
to make sure you get home safe." And she's like, "I'm not getting
in a car with you after you have spoken to me like this. You have
called me rude and a bitch." And I was like, "I did not call you
a bitch, I don't call people that. I don't use that word, I
did not call you that." So she's like, "Well, calling me rude is
the same thing." It's really not the same thing at
all, at all, at all, at all. Like if you look up "rude" in
the dictionary, it's not gonna be like, "See also: bitch,"
like. So I'm like, "No, I'm not giving you money." And she's
like, "Give me twenty dollars." I go, "No." She goes, "Give me
fifteen." I go, "No!" And she's like, "Okay, ten." And I'm like,
"This is not a Bazaar in Calcutta, alright? We're not
bartering over your.. you're getting a ride home or you're
paying for your own way home, but I'm not giving you any
money." And then she starts to cry and she's like,
"Well, apologize to me then. Apologize. You owe me a major
apology." That is going to become a key phrase over the
course of the night: "a major apology". She's like, "You owe
me a major apology." And in my brain I go, "Hey, now might be a
good time for me to take the world's stupidest and most
pointless stand." And I go, "No, I will not apologize to you. I'm
not apologizing to you." And she's like, "Apologize,
apologize!" And she's like crying and she storms out, slams
my front door. I go to my roommate's room, uh, and he's
like, "What was that?" And I'm like, "I have a story for you,
sir." And as soon as I finished it, there's like a
pounding on the front door. And I go, "For sure, that's her."
Um, absolutely, one hundred percent. There's no way it's
not, it's not Rahad downstairs like, "Just reminder about the
rent. Just wanted to pound on your door at one thirty in the
morning." So I go down and she's staying there and she's crying
and she's like, "You asshole. Why didn't you answer your
phone? I just want a ride home." And I'm like, "Well, my phone's
on silent because if I, I don't know if you remember this, but
at one point tonight we were on a date with each other." Like I
know it seems like a long time ago.. And I'm like, "Okay, I
will drive you home." And she's like, "No, apologize,
apologize!" And then she slips into like full on
tantrum mode where she like presses herself against the wall
and she starts going, "You owe me a major apology. You owe me a
major apology." Like you know how kids get out an impossible
number of words in one breath and you're like, "How are you
saying these many words so forcefully with one intake of
breath?" So then she migrates to my front yard and sits down and
is still crying and she's calling.. She calls me and I
hang up on her and I'm like, "I'm still over here, you know."
So I go over and she's still freaking out and finally I
go, "Listen, if you will not let me drive you home, I'm gonna go
back inside. I'm not doing this all night." And she's like, "If
you go inside, I will pound on your door all night." I go,
"Well, if you do that I'm going to have to call the police." And
she goes, "You fucking psycho! What the fuck? You're going to
call the police on me? What the fuck is wrong with you?" And
then she flips, and she's like, "You piece of shit, I'm fucking
glad you're divorced. You deserve to be divorced; you
don't deserve anything in life!" And I'm like, "So you
don't want the ride home then? Is what I'm taking from this."
So I start to go back upstairs and she's like following me like
cursing me out like a reverse hype man.. I'm like a rap..
like, "You piece of shit, you're nothing and I hope you don't
ever get anything and you're a fucking garbage to me." So I go
and I close the door behind me in her face and my roommate is
standing at the top of the stairs and he goes, "I thought
you were exaggerating!" So she's like pounding on the
door and then she starts calling me and she's like, "You fucking
piece of shit. You piece of shit. Face me! Come down here
and face me!" Like, like she's Achilles in Troy, like I
murdered her brother and she's like, "Face me in one-on-one
combat, you coward! Come down from your battlement, Eric
Banner." So she's pounding on the door and she's calling me,
and then she's like, "You fucking cunt, you fucking
coward." And then she goes, "Be a man and face me! Why don't you
be a man and grow a cunt?" Well, like, the best
insult of all time. Like that's so good. Like in her brain she
was like, "Yeah I'm mad but I'm still going to strike a blow
against society's binary notions of gender. Okay?" So finally she
figures out the magic sentence which is, "Get down here or I'm
going to destroy your car." And I'm like, "Fair enough, I will
see you in a few moments. Very good, you found the magic
phrase." So I go down and I show her on my phone I've dialed 911
and I press call and then she is like [gasps], ìYou called the
police on me? I just want a ride home. Hang up!" So I hang up
because why wouldn't I trust her? Like, has she acted
irrationally at any point tonight? No, no! Oh, the most
trustworthy source of the world. So I hang up, and it's
her. And I'm like, "Okay, let's go. Why don't we.." And as soon
as I put my hand on her shoulder she's like, "You piece of shit.
You don't fucking touch me! You don't touch me!" She slaps me in
the face and then she tries to kick me, but like I.. for some
reason, I throw up like an MMA style shin block. Not a thing I
have ever tried before. I was like, "As long as I am embracing
new experiences, why don't I give this one for a spin?"
And so I press redial 'cause that's a thing you can do
on a phone, that's like the flaw in her plan to get me not to
call the police and then to attack me is I can be like, "Oh,
right, I should have not hung up in the first place." So I press
redial and the dispatcher comes on and Iím like, "There is a
woman I was on a date with attacking me in my front yard
right now." Like as I say the words out loud I'm like, "Hold
on, is this really what's happening right now?" And also
I'm being very casual on the phone 'cause I'm not scared. She
is like so tiny. Like I'm not scared of her, worst case
scenario I just have to like destroy her in a fist fight.
Like that is, she's not gonna beat me. I'm just gonna
take her, it's like that fight Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins
got in where he was just like waving a guy around from his
jersey. So I'm.. I tell the dispatcher what's happening and
then this lady runs away. She runs off into the night like the
world's shittiest mystical creature. Like she was like, "My
terrible work here is done." I don't.. I still don't know what
that work was. And she.. so she's running off and
I'm talking to the dispatcher and then the cops come and I'm
like, "A woman was here." I was like, "She ran off." I'm like,
"I don't want to file charges or anything, I just don't know how
she's going to get home." I was like, "I'm sorry this is like
such a stupid call." And the cops were like, "No, this is
great, we love the easy ones." I'm like, "That's always great
to hear cops be like, "No, no, we hate working, this is
perfect." That was..the most, the second most reassuring
moment of the evening. And then they leave and then she
calls me twice and I send her to voicemail, she does not leave
one. One of my life's great regrets. And then after that,
she texts me a, "You know, it's really rude to not answer my
phone calls." Like, the most serious de-escalation of all
time. But the best.. and I never hear from her again, that is it
for our interaction. She blocks me on Tinder and Instagram,
that's fine. There's a lot of selfies of her bedroom, that's
fine. While I'm talking to the dispatcher, the best part is I'm
telling her what happened and I'm like, "Yeah, she attacked me
and she just ran off, she's run up the street toward Sunset. I
don't know how she's going to get home." And the lady goes,
"Are you still seeing her, sir?" And I'm like, "No, I'm not gonna
keep seeing her!" And then the dispatcher goes, "No, sir, I'm
asking if she's still visible to you." Like I think she's so bad
at her job she going to be like, "Are you going to see her again?
'Cause this bitch sounds crazy." Alright I'm done. Thanks, guys.