♪♪♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK TO "A
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
LET'S CHECK IN REAL QUICK WITH A MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO HEAR LIVE
AGAIN, MR. JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON.
>> Jon: HELLO, STEPHEN.
WHOO, MY GOODNESS, A WHOLE YEAR.
>> Stephen: A WHOLE YEAR AGO TOORNT I SAW YOU FOR THE LAST
TIME.
>> Jon: I KNOW.
>> Stephen: I GOT ON MY HOVER CRAFT AND LEFT THE ROOF OF THE
THEATER THEATER, AND YOU GOT INTO A PNEUMATIC TUBE AND WERE
SHOT OVER TO BROOKLYN.
>> Jon: YES.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOT TO PROTECT YOURSELF OUT THERE.
IT'S A NEW AGE.
>> Stephen: YOU DO.
WELL, DO YOU HAVE A FIRST SONG YOU WANT TO PLAY WHEN YOU'RE
BACK IN FRONT OF THE AUDIENCE?
>> Jon: OH, YEAH, ACTUALLY.
UH...
♪♪♪ ( PLAYING IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND
YOU KNOW IT ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE,
EVERYBODY.
I HOPE YOU GET TO PLAY IT SOON.
THANK YOU, JON.
YOU KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY DESIGNING AND SEWING
THE NEWSIEST KIMONOS OUT OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, TOPICAL SILK,
THEN METICULOUSLY GRINDING AND APPLYING KUMADORI MAKE-UP, ALL
TO STAGE FOR YOU THE ELABORATE KABUKI PERFORMANCE THAT IS MY
MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I ROUST MY WIFE AND NEIGHBORS AT 3:00 A.M., DOWN
A PICKLE JAR OF FLAT WHITE CLAW I SAVE FOR MY "SPECIAL NIGHTS,"
SHOVE EVERYONE INTO MY LIVING ROOM WITH NOTHING BUT THEIR
PAJAMAS AND A BOX OF WIGS I STOLE FROM A FUNERAL HOME, AND
FORCE THEM INTO THE INEBRIATED CHARADES THUNDERDOME OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINEWHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THIS WEEKEND, "NEW YORK CITY'S VERY OWN NAKED
COWBOY WAS ARRESTED FOR PANHANDLING IN FLORIDA."
AUTHORITIES APPROACHED HIM WHEN THEY NOTICED PEOPLE WERE PLACING
MONEY INSIDE THE SOUNDHOLE OF HIS GUITAR.
A WARNING TO MY VIEWERS.
IF THIS MAN APPROACHES YOU AND ASKS YOU TO STUFF THINGS IN HIS
SOUNDHOLE, DO NOT ENGAGE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "DISNEY+ HAS REMOVED ACCESS TO CLASSIC MOVIES
LIKE 'DUMBO' AND 'PETER PAN' FROM MENUS FOR CHILDREN UNDER
SEVEN YEARS OLD BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN RACIST STEREOTYPES."
SO...
CONGRATULATIONS, EIGHT-YEAR-OLDS?
DISNEY KNOWS WHERE TO DRAWN THE LINE.
BY THE WAY, IF YOU'RE VISITING THE MAGIC KINGDOM, DON'T EVEN
TRY TO ORDER A MOJITO UNTIL YOU'RE 12.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, "ONE OF THE WORLD'S LARGEST SWARMS OF GIANT
CICADAS IS READY TO RISE BY THE BILLIONS."
WELL, THAT'S THE MOST TERRIFYING COMBINATION OF WORDS I'VE HEARD
IN A WHILE.
THE CICADAS ARE SET TO STORM THE EASTERN U.S. AT DENSITIES UP TO
1.5 MILLION PER ACRE.
BUT IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT FLEETS OF GIANT INSECTS COMING
TO EAT YOU, TAKE HEART.
THEY CAME TO HUMP, AND THAT'S IT.
AFTER 17 YEARS UNDERGROUND, EXPERTS SAY "THEY WILL DO IT IN
TREES, ON YOUR PATIO, YOUR PORCH, YOUR YARD, YOUR ROOF AND
YOUR CAR."
THE WORST DR. SEUSS BOOK EVER: "HORTON HEARS A WHO-LE BUNCH OF
BUGS HAVING SEX."
"YOU'LL HEAR THEM NEAR.
YOU'LL HEAR THEM FAR.
YOU'LL HEAR THEM BONING ON YOUR CAR."
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN FINLAND, SCIENTISTS JUST UNVEILED
SOMETHING CALLED "NETFLIX FOR MONKEYS."
OR, AS IT'S ALSO KNOWN: "NETFLIX."
THIS NEW PRIMATE STREAMING SERVICE IS AN EXPERIMENT AT A
ZOO IN HELSINKI, WHERE RESEARCHERS OUTFITTED THE
WHITE-FACED SAKI MONKEY CAGE WITH A MONITOR WHERE THE ANIMALS
CAN CHOOSE TO STREAM VIDEO FOOTAGE OF THINGS LIKE WORMS,
SEA CREATURES, OTHER ZOO ANIMALS, FOREST SCENES, AND
ABSTRACT ART.
BECAUSE IF THERE ARE TWO THINGS I ASSOCIATE WITH MONKEYS, IT'S
BANANAS, AND THEIR NUANCED APPRECIATION OF MARK ROTHKO.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN "HEY, MAYBE DON'T DO THAT" NEWS,
"100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD SEAFLOOR SEDIMENT BACTERIA HAVE BEEN
RESUSCITATED."
I'M SORRY, HAS THE CURRENT PANDEMIC LOST YOUR INTEREST?
"I GROW BORED OF THIS CORONAVIRUS.
UNLEASH THE CONTAGION OF THE ANCIENTS!"
IT ALL STARTED WHEN "JAPANESE SCIENTISTS SAILED INTO THE SOUTH
PACIFIC GYRE WITH A GIANT DRILL AND A BIG QUESTION."
"HOW CAN WE SCARE THE CRAP OUT OF EVERYONE?"
THEY DROPPED THEIR GIANT DRILL 20,000 FEET INTO THE PACIFIC AND
TOOK CORE SAMPLES CONTAINING THE 100-MILLION-YEAR-OLD BACTERIAL
CELLS, AND "WHEN GIVEN FOOD, MOST OF THEM QUICKLY REVIVED,
WHICH THE SCIENTISTS DID NOT EXPECT."
OH, GOOD.
THE LAST THING I WOULD WANT IS FOR THE SCIENTISTS REANIMATING A
PRIMORDIAL ENTITY TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING.
ACCORDING TO THIS RESEARCH, "EVIDENCE MOUNTS THAT BACTERIA
CAN BE EFFECTIVELY IMMORTAL."
OKAY.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT HERE...
PRIMEVAL, YES.
INFECTIOUS, YES.
UNEXPECTEDLY REVIVED, YES.
AND IMMORTAL, GOTCHA.
GLOBAL EXTINCTION BINGO!
I WIN A TATTERED CANVAS TO HUDDLE UNDER AGAINST THE BLOOD
STORMS.
OH AND F.Y.I., THE LOCATION THEY CHOSE FOR THIS DRILLING WAS--
YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS-- "THE SO-CALLED OCEANIC POLE OF
INACCESSIBILITY, MADE FAMOUS BY H.P. LOVECRAFT AS THE HOME OF
THE BE-TENTACLED CTHULHU."
OKAY.
THAT'S IT.
I'M OUT.
I'VE SEEN "PACIFIC RIM."
I KNOW WHAT COMES NEXT.
YOU'RE GOING TO BUILD A BIG ROBOT TO PUNCH CTHULU IN THE
FACE.
JUST DO ME A FAVOR.
IF YOU'RE EXPENDING THOSE RESOURCES, BUILD YOUR ROBOT
BIGGER THAN THE MONSTER YOU'RE PUNCHING, YOU DINGUSES.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BILLY CRYSTAL.
♪♪♪ ♪