[CLAUDIA] “Art is an art, but hospitality is a science.”
That’s a direct quote from me, Claudia Kishi.
So, when it was time to host the first official BSC sleepover of the school year,
I left nothing to chance.
I provided the yummiest and most clearly labeled junk food.
I put out the snuggliest pillows.
And I generously opened my closet to those who could use some fashion inspiration.
But one thing I didn’t account for was Kristy Thomas,
our beloved president and founder,
showing up with an agenda of her own.
[KRISTY] So, we have two new members,
and we need to integrate them properly
according to our individual weaknesses and strengths to harness our corporate synergy.
Another corporation, just what America needs.
These personality tests will help maximize our growth potential
by helping us all understand what we can each bring to the table.
Watson uses them in his company.
He’s “the Cheerleader.”
“Do you pay quarterly taxes or prefer to leave finalized numbers until the end of the fiscal year?”
Should the club be paying taxes?
- Do I need to look into this? - Not if we’re a corporation.
We could just hoard our profits until we get bailed out by the disappearing middle class.
- Think about it this way. - Okay.
Do you finish your homework right away or do you wait till the last minute?
Oh, right away.
Done.
I know myself.
I don’t.
I don’t know how to answer any of these questions.
I mean, would I tell a harmless lie if I’d help land a client?
Would I return a stapler if I accidentally took it home?
Mallory, just be yourself.
That’s easy to say when you’re you.
Done!
I need water.
Does anyone want anything?
Hm.
Interesting.
Ah.
I see.
What do you see?
What is it?
Tell us!
OMG.
Claudia, did you know you have a celebrity in your kitchen?
What? Who?
Ashley Wyeth! Only the coolest girl in all of Stoneybrook High.
No way! Doesn’t she have, like, five million followers?
Uh-huh. And designers send her free clothes to wear.
And her speech at the New Haven March For Our Lives went viral.
What’s she doing at your house?
Who’s Ashley Wyeth?
[CLAUDIA] It’s really her.
The coolest girl in Stoneybrook eating strawberries out of my fridge.
[ASHLEY] Oh, hi!
You’re Janine’s sister, right?
[CLAUDIA] Even her pajamas are fashion-forward.
[JANINE] Ashley.
We still have 14 chemical equations to balance and three chapters to memorize before Monday’s test.
We’re pulling an all-nighter. AP classes are no joke.
Bye, it was nice meeting you.
[CLAUDIA] So, Miss. Mensa is helping her study.
Figures.
Now, how do I get her life?
[KRISTY] The results are in.
First, among equals, me.
“The Captain. A born leader. Brave. Determined.
Will never willingly leave her post.”
Next up, Claudia.
My beloved veep.
“The individualist. Marches to the beat of her own drum.
Goes her own way, and never follows the crowd.”
Yep, sounds about right.
Stacey is the Overachiever.
“Good at everything she sets her mind to.
Precise in actions and decisions.
She’ll always solve any problem.”
Yeah, that’s me.
Mary Anne is the Philosopher.
“Contemplative, wise, and at peace when deep in thought.”
Namaste.
Dawn, you’re the Revolutionary.
“Fearless and always looking to make change for the better.
Undeterred by conflict.”
You got that right!
Jessi is the Warrior.
“Stoic, goal-oriented, and always fueled to put more wood behind the arrow.”
- Cool synergy! - We’re unstoppable!
What’s Mallory?
Right.
Mallory isn’t anything.
Her results were inconclusive because she left so many questions blank.
Well, I didn’t know what the right answers were.
There’s no right or wrong.
That’s the point.
Maybe you can try again later,
when there’s more time.
Sorry, I wish I was an individualist, like Claudia.
[CLAUDIA] “If you want to be an individualist, you’re probably not one.”
is what I almost said.
But then I remembered Ashley Wyeth next door
and the essay she published in Teen Vogue about the politics of radical empathy.
So, I kept my mouth shut.