RECENTLY I'VE BEEN STUDYING THE
CONSTITUTION, IT'S BEEN THE
BACKBONE OF OUR NATION FOR MORE
THAN 200 YEARS.
AND I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S DULL AS
[ BLEEP ].
LUCKILY IT CAN BE CHANGED AND
REWRITTEN.
I THINK IT'S TIME TO UPDATE IT
FOR TODAY'S MODERN WORLD.
THAT'S WHAT I PLEDGE TO DO IN
OUR NEW SEGMENT, AMENDING THE
AMENDMENTS.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
♪
>> FIRST, LET ME FIX SOME
OBVIOUS PROBLEMS WITH THE
CONSTITUTION.
I JUST DREW A PENIS.
A LOT OF IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE
SENSE.
FOR INSTANCE, THE 18th AMENDMENT
ESTABLISHED PROHIBITION, BUT THE
21st AMENDMENT REPEALED IT.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING A
DRUNK WOULD DO.
YOU QUIT DRINKING AND THEN
YOU'RE BACK ON.
I'M SURPRISED THE 22nd AMENDMENT
WASN'T, OH, I'M JUST QUITTING
AGAIN.
THIS TIME FOR GOOD, ALSO, I
PROBABLY OWE THE 19th AMENDMENT
AN APOLOGY.
WE DON'T NEED TWO AMENDMENTS
THAT CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT, GET
RID OF BOTH OF THEM.
SEE, WE'RE MAKING PROGRESS
ALREADY.
OKAY.
NOW, LET'S CHANGE.
START WITH THE FIRST AMENDMENT,
THAT'S A BIG ONE.
FREEDOM OF SPEECH.
NOW, I'M ALL FOR FREEDOM OF
SPEECH, BUT FOR EVERYONE?
REALLY?
NO MATTER WHAT?
WHAT ABOUT INTERNET COMMENTS
LIKE -- WHEN THEY WROTE THE
CONSTITUTION, WE DIDN'T HAVE THE
INTERNET.
BACK THIN, IF YOU WANTED TO
INSULT SOMEONE, IT TOOK EFFORT.
YOU WOULD HAVE TO WRITE THE
COMMENT DOWN ON PARCHMENT PAPER,
THEN GET ON HORSE AND DELIVER IT
PERSONALLY.
AND HOPEFULLY THE PERSON YOU'RE
INSULTING COULD READ.
A LOT OF PEOPLE BACK THEN
COULDN'T.
YOU HAVE A GUY LIKE SO, SO,
SO -- SUCK MY [ BLEEP ] JESUS
NATHANIEL HOW CAN YOU NOT READ
THAT.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUAL.
I'M NOT OKAY WITH ANONYMOUS
SPEECH, BUT IT'S WHAT AFFECTS
BULLYING.
IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A
COMMENT ONLINE, PUT YOUR
[ BLEEP ] NAME ON IT.
PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.
LIKE MY AUNTIE ALWAYS SAID, IF
YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY,
DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL.
SHE WAS AN OLD BITCH.
I JUST SAID THAT PUBLICLY ON TV.
I OWNED IT.
THERE'S MORE TO THE FIRST
AMENDMENT THAN FREEDOM OF
SPEECH.
FREEDOM OF RELIGION.
NOT INTERESTED, [ BLEEP ] THAT
OFF, IT'S GONE.
NEXT, THE RIGHT TO PEACEFULLY
ASSEMBLE.
THE PROBLEM IS, A LOT OF
PEACEFUL GATHERINGS ARE SHIT.
LIKE PARADES.
THE PEOPLE IN THEM LOOK BORED.
THE PEOPLE WATCHING THE PARADE
ARE BORED.
PARADES SUCKS.
UNLESS YOU INVOLVE THE GAYS.
SO WE'LL BE ADDING THAT TO THE
FIRST AMENDMENT, INVOLVE THE
GAYS.
IMAGINE HOW MUCH BETTER
THANKSGIVING PARADE WOULD BE
WHEN THE GAYS GET INTO IT.
YEAH, THAT'S -- THAT PUT
CIGARETTES OUT ON ME ELMO.
THE FIRST AMENDMENT ALSO COVERS
FREEDOM OF PRESS.
I'M FINE WITH THAT.
JUST DEFINE THE PRESS PART OF
IT, FAKE NEWS WASN'T A THING IN
THE 1700s, EVERYONE BACK THEN
WAS HORRIBLE.
WHAT KIND OF SLANT COULD YOU
POSSIBLY RUIN A PERSON WITH BACK
THEN.
BREAKING NEWS, THOMAS JEFFERSON
DOES NOT HAVE SEX WITH HIS
SLAVE.
THEY'D HAVE TO HOLD A PRESS
CONFERENCE, THE FAILING COLONIAL
TIMES WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE I
DON'T HAVE SEX WITH MY OWN
SLAVES.
I DO, I BANG THEM LIKE THE HORNY
SLAVE OWNER I AM.
THESE LIES WILL NOT STAND.
[ BLEEP ] SLAVE KING.
LET'S SEE WHAT WE'VE GOT.
HERE'S THE CRAPPY FIRST
AMENDMENT.
LET'S MAKE THE CHANGES.
RELIGION IS DUMB.
YOU CAN ONLY SAY MEAN THINGS IF
YOU PUT YOUR NAME ON IT.
ONLY PEACEFULLY ASSEMBLE IF YOU
ARE ACTUALLY FUN.
AND ALL YOUR NEWS HAS TO COME
FROM THE JIM JEFFRIES SHOW.
THERE WE GO.
CHANGING THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS.
IT TOOK OUR FOUNDING FATHERS TWO