FOLKS, MY NEXT GUEST IS A STAND-UP COMEDIAN MAKING HER
NETWORK TELEVISION DEBUT.
PLEASE WELCOME, CARMEN LAGALA!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )
>> HI, HELLO, EVERYONE.
I DON'T WANT TO GET MARRIED, BUT MY DAD HAS BEEN MARRIED THREE
TIMES.
IS ANYONE ELSE IN HERE MARRIED -- TO MY DAD?
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH.
I GOT TO GO TO HIS THIRD WEDDING.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN TO ONE OF THESE, BUT GUESS WHAT --
PRETTY CASUAL.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, AFTER ONE AND TWO, HE WAS,
LIKE -- WHATEVER.
I WAS, LIKE, JEANS, THOUGH, DAD?
HE'S, LIKE, IT'S A DARK WASH, THAT'S A FANCY JEAN.
HIS FIRST WEDDING WAS IN A CHURCH AND THE THIRD WAS IN THE
LIVING ROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S TOO LAID BACK.
I LIKE TO THINK THEY WERE JUST THERE ON THE COUCH, PITCHING
LOCATIONS AND SHE WAS JUST, LIKE, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JUST
GOING TO THE COURTHOUSE?
AND HE WAS, LIKE, WHY EVEN THE LEAVE THIS HOUSE?
( LAUGHTER ) I AM DATING A GUY NOW.
HE LIKES TO TAKE THE TRAIN TO TRAVEL LONG DISTANCES.
UH, BOO.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, THE CHOO-CHOO TRAIN?
WHICH THAT'S NOT THE SOUND IT MAKES, BY THE WAY. IT'S NOR OF
LIKE A -- AAAHHH!
-- SOUND.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE'S, LIKE, NO, IT'S
ROMANTIC.
AND I'M, LIKE, THEN YOU GET ON AND WAVE A KERCHIEF OUT THE
WINDOW TO ME -- WHILE I FLY.
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S, LIKE, NO, CARMEN.
THE TRAIN IS MAGICAL.
YEAH, WE'RE NOT TAKING IT TO HOGWARTS.
IT'S GOING TO MILWAUKEE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE LAST TIME WE TOOK THE TRAIN,
WE GOT THOSE TWO SEATS THAT FACE TWO OTHER SEATS.
WE PUT OUR BAGS DOWN, AND WE'RE GOING TO ENJOY THIS TRIP.
BUT THEN ANOTHER COUPLE CAME AND SAT ACROSS FROM US.
WE'RE, LIKE, WE'RE GOING TO HATE THESE PEOPLE, INSTEAD.
THIS IS HOW CLOSE THEY WERE TO US PHYSICALLY.
IT WAS MY KNEE, SOME STRANGE LADY'S KNEE IN BETWEEN MY KNEE.
MY KNEE AGAIN, HER KNEE AGAIN.
AND THEN A CONDUCTOR CAME BY AND WAS, LIKE, OH, NO, NO, NO, YOU
WILL HAVE TO MOVE, THIS AREA IS RESERVED FOR FAMILIES.
IT'S, LIKE, I HAVE BEEN SCISSORING THIS WOMAN FOR --
( LAUGHTER ) -- THREE STATES.
MY KNEE IS GRAZING HER VULVA.
( LAUGHTER ) SHE IS MY NEW FAMILY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THEY HAD A LAYOVER ON THE TRAIN.
DID YOU KNOW THEY COULD DO THAT?
( LAUGHTER ) THEY'RE LIKE, YEAH, HI, WE KNOW
WE'RE THE SLOWEST POSSIBLE WAY YOU CAN GET THERE.
WE'RE JUST GOING TO MAKE SURE THAT HAPPENS.
FEEL FREE TO STEP ON TO THE PLATFORM AND LOOK UP AT BETTER
WAYS TO GET THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) MY BOYFRIEND IS, LIKE, THE VIEW,
THOUGH.
THE VIEW FROM THE TRAIN.
WE HAVE BEEN ON OUR PHONES THE WHOLE TIME.
WE CAN GOOGLE A BETTER VIEW.
HERE'S US.
HE'S, LIKE, NO.
I'M, LIKE, THAT'S PEOPLE'S BACKYARDS.
THAT'S YOUR VIEW?
FOLKS WHO HAVE TO HEAR, AAAHHH!
THE VIEW IS A WHO'S WHO OF PEOPLE WHO WISH THEY DID NOT
LIVE NEXT TO THE TRAIN.
BUT SOMETIMES YOU CAN LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AND SEE MY DAD
GETTING MARRIED.
( LAUGHTER ) FOR A FOURTH TIME.
SO -- I TAKE THE TRAIN BECAUSE IT'S CHEAP.
I AM VERY BROKE.
I HAVE ONE FRIEND WHO HAS A TON OF MONEY, AND SHE'S NOT GIVING
ME IT!
( LAUGHTER ) I THINK IT'S RUDE.
AND SHE'LL STILL INVITE ME OUT TO EAT, LIKE I CAN KEEP UP WITH
HER.
DO YOU EVER GET TO A RESTAURANT AND REALIZE YOU CAN'T AFFORD IT
IMMEDIATELY?
YEAH, THERE WERE ACCENT MARKS IN THE NAME OF THE RESTAURANT.
YEAH, I DON'T HAVE ACCENTS RESTAURANT MONEY.
I HAVE MISSPELLED WORD PUNCTUATION FOR NO REASON MONEY.
( LAUGHTER ) I REGULARLY EAT AT A PLACE WHERE
THE SIGN IN THE WINDOW JUST SAYS, CHKIN'.
YEAH, LIKE, I CAN AFFORD CHKIN'.
I WAS UNDERDRESSED FOR THIS RESTAURANT.
I HAD A TANK TOP, A SWEATSHIRT AND ANOTHER SWEAT SIRTE OVER IT,
LIKE A TU -- A TURDUCKEN OF FAIL THE FANCY LADY SAID, CAN I TAKE
YOUR COAT?
I WAS, LIKE, YOU CAN TAKE MY OUTER SWEATSHIRT -- FEED IT TO
YOUR HORSES.
( LAUGHTER ) I GOT ONE APPETIZER AND IT WAS
$60 MINUS THE 12 TOILET PAPER ROLLS I STOLE FROM THEIR
BATHROOM.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, I NEEDED NEW SHEETS, SO...
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST MAD BECAUSE THEY GIVE
YOU A GIANT PLATTER, AND THEN THEY PUT THE TINIEST AMOUNT OF
FOOD POSSIBLE ON IT.
I ORDERED THE LAM, AND THE PORTION OF LAM WAS SO SMALL THAT
THAT LAMB IS FINE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YEAH.
IT IS STILL FROLICKING IN THE MEADOW.
IT'S, LIKE, DID YOU WANT MORE FROM ME?
OR SHOULD I -- THEY'RE, LIKE, GET OUT OF HERE.
YOU'RE FREE.
WE LOVE YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!
>> STEPHEN: YOU CAN SEE HER HEADLINING THE VERMONT COMEDY
CLUB ON AUGUST 1.
CARMEN LAGALA, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )