so recently I was contacted by a YouTube viewer who asked me because she saw my
video on the number one narcissism narcissist repellent tool and she asked
me if I could do a video about her my number one tool when it came to
recovering from codependency I said sure why not and I didn't have to think long
to come up with the number one tool that I'd like to offer you guys it will help
you heal from codependency faster than you ever ever imagined now let's
understand that most cases relationships if you're a codependent you've attracted
somebody on the narcissistic spectrum doesn't mean it's a full point blown NPD
but somebody who has high narcissistic traits right it's a very complex issue
to have because it goes back to childhood programming it we have to
understand this idea that the brain is the mind is dualistic that we're both
conscious and unconscious at the same time yes self-love is an issue a lack of
self-love and yes shame is an issue and yes boundaries are an issue with people
with codependency but if you're looking for a tool if you're looking for
something to help you absolutely heal in the 3d world then my
number one tool is this stopped seeking external validation sounds simple enough
right but try to do it ain't so easy because most of us we don't even realize
that we're walking around looking for validation we want our husbands to agree
with us we want our wives to agree with us we want our children to agree with us
we want our mother-in-law to agree with us we want the grocery guide to agree
with us we want the doctor to agree with us right when we're sad we want
everybody to agree with us right when we're upset we want everybody to agree
with us when we go to work we're seeking validation we don't always realize that
we're seeking validation and maybe you're one of those lucky people that is
in their own skin and I focused on the self and has really strong boundaries
and isn't seeking the validation of other people to feel good about
themselves and if you are that is freaking awesome
but I have found that myself and most people I know have struggled with
feeling invisible and so when we're codependent we're codependent upon this
other thing outside of us to make us feel seen so you can be codependent on a
label like I have to wear you know a certain designer in order to feel good
about myself or I have to make a certain amount of money to feel good about
myself or I have to weigh a certain amount of weight to feel good about
myself where I have to be in a relationship to feel good about myself
so I think we have to broaden the umbrella when we think about
codependency and we have to consider you know through self-awareness and through
the raising of our consciousness because you cannot heal unless you are conscious
you cannot heal unless you blow a hole open in your consciousness right because
people who are codependent and even narcissists live below the veil of
consciousness they're acting out familial patterns behavioral patterns
the default mode network in the brain is activated so we're on autopilot if I
grew up feeling invisible as a child I feel invisible to myself my mirror
neurons to myself have not been turned on and so but within me is this deep
need to connect to other people and I have learned to fajn I have learned to
people please I've learned to acquiesce and to Bob my head up and down oh yes oh
yes oh yes so short lions and tigers and bears oh my I don't
know how to set a boundary if I don't have a healthy sense of self but I don't
have a healthy sense of self if I never had parents who encouraged me to have a
self right in order for you to have a healthy sense of self you needed your
mother and your father to look into your beautiful eyes and say I see you and you
were so fabulous and you were perfect just the way you are what would you like
to do today how do you feel what went on in school you would have to have been
infused with this idea that what was going on inside of you right because
children associate this self with their emotions and so when children express an
emotion and that emotion is ignored and children are learning through repetition
observation and consistency to either value or devalue
their emotional self thus the self so it's really hard to have self-esteem and
I always get kind of like perturbed when I hear somebody to say oh you know you
have to work on your self-esteem that's like saying go work on your
Maserati you don't have a Maserati like how do you how do you work on your
self-esteem if you don't have a self right
hello anyway we've got to start somewhere dear ones okay an
understanding that coming from an alcoholic home if you are the adult
child of an alcoholic you have a CoA stuff that's not your fault there's a
laundry list for adult children of alcoholics that we have to deal with
okay if your parents were narcissistic and you grew up feeling unseen if there
was triangulation in your home if there was smear campaigns throughout your
family narcissistic families are like that it's
like Piranha Ville like you're not safe right and everybody's drinking the
kool-aid so aunt Jenni is believing what your mother says and uncle so-and-so is
believing what your father says and you know it becomes this mob mentality and
if you grew up that way it must be very difficult for you to
feel like it's safe right and you might have some codependent symptoms you might
be seeking validation you might be toning yourself down you might be
codependent on this idea that you need something outside of you to give you
value and so what I wanted to share with you in this short quick video is my
number one tool for healing from codependency and it's an active tool so
it's a conscious tool it's a self-awareness tool and what you do is
you ask yourself all day every day am i doing that because I'm seeking
validation or am i showing up more authentically was that a codependent
thought or a non codependent thought you know am i rushing around the house to
clean before my husband gets home because I enjoy clean home or is it
because I want him to see how hard I work because I need his validation right
am i taking my children to school you know at 18 years old driving across town
when they could just as easily get on a bus even though I have to be at work and
I'm struggling to get to work on time am i doing it because I want to or am i
doing it because I'm seeking my children's approval I'm
afraid that they're not going to talk to me I'm afraid they're going to be angry
at me I'm afraid people might talk about me say I'm a bad mom am I doing the
things that I'm doing for those reasons which all go back to seeking validation
right am I being kind to people because I
genuinely want to or am I secretly angry do I secretly can't stand everybody do I
secretly want everyone to leave me the hell alone right because I don't know
how to say no because on some level I'm seeking validation so I would say that
in order to heal from codependency that is the one thing the one mental tool one
mental exercise that you have to work on every single day and I can tell you it
definitely helped liberate me there are a ton more there are a ton more tools
that you can work with as a matter of fact you can if you're thinking about
healing from codependency you can check out my book codependent now what it's
not you at your programming because I have a bunch of actual exercises that
you can dig into that'll help you heal from codependency so no more seeking
external validation seek your own validation on this path to life do you
want that is the way that you happiness namaste as I bow to the love in life
that is absolutely in you bye for now until next time