Man, am I tense.
I'm mean I'm just frazzled.
I'm worn down to the bone, to the nub.
Between February sweeps, code orange.
I've had it.
I need to relax.
That's why I came here to the Bliss Spa on 57th street.
Supposed to be the best spa in Manhattan.
Look at that, the letters wiggle.
It's a pretty good spa.
Let's find out what's going on
and see if I can get some major help.
Your name is? Jordan
Jordan I need a lot of help.
I need an incredible amount of help
I'm under a lot of pressure.
I'm feeling rundown, I feel lethargic.
Uh, I have headaches, frequent headaches.
My eyes sometimes cross for no reason.
My scalp is itchy and irritable.
My bowels are irregular and irresponsible.
My jaw is, is sore and swollen.
The back of my neck feels sorta like the front of my neck.
You know what I mean?
You know when the back starts to feel like the front?
The spa menu for you man.
Spa menu.
Did you say "for you ma'am"? Man.
I thought you said "for you ma'am".
Oh that would be most inappropriate. (nervously laughs)
Hey, what is lymphatic drainage?
That's sound like something--
Lymphatic drainage is actually physically when
they're going through, it's a very light touch massage
where almost like a feather points on the body.
When you drain the lymphatic system,
what are you draining it into?
Is there a bucket next to the--
Not exactly, it causes everything to go
through the normal drainage routine much quicker so--
You're talking about urine?
Something like that, yes.
So basically you take a massage
and then you go and you urinate?
You'd wanna let go of any toxins
that may have been released during the treatment--
So are you urinating during the massage
or after the massage?
I hope not. (laughs)
After the treatment.
Does anyone urinate during the massage?
Not that I'm aware of, no.
Okay, I heard Larry King was into that.
(audience laughing)
Larry King. (laughs)
Did you think that was funny?
Most amusing.
Yeah? Be honest, you liked it,
the image of Larry King urinating.
Yeah. (nervously laughing)
You liked that?
Larry King urinating? Uh, yeah. (laughing)
Well then everybody's happy.
Okay let's go, let's do it. All right let's do it.
Go this way. (candy rattling)
(audience laughing)
Look at that, you do your hair, woo!
And then, ah. (sniffs)
(hair dryer clacks)
Pretty cool. Yep, a little poofy.
Okay going this way. Doing my hair is too poofy?
It's a little, there you go.
(Conan making whooshing noise)
Huh? Oh.
(audience laughing)
What d'ya think huh?
(audience cheering and laughing)
[Male Employee] Very nice.
You got to admit that I'm,
I probably look, I'm in the upper
10% of how guys look in a robe?
Would you say?
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
Let's say I just have a lot of
more musculature than the average person.
Would that make it more difficult for someone to massage me?
Not a skilled massage therapist, no.
But what if, I mean, I'm talking about muscles
that are like muscles on top of muscles
that then have their own muscles.
Do you feel that? Yeah.
What is that, does that feel like a--
That feels like muscles on top of muscles.
That have their own muscles.
Yeah.
That's called tri-musculature.
(apple crunching)
(audience laughing)
I will be doing your facial, and Marie will be--
Doing your body treatments and massage.
So uh, here we go.
(heavenly music)
(audience clapping and cheering)
(funky techno music)
(crackling)
So I'm going to be cryogenically preserved
for a thousand years, is that the idea?
No. That's part of the service.
Yes. Is a massage, a facial,
and you wake up in the year 2225.
Where robots are our masters!
And the world is ruled by a council of nine!
Led by overlord Quang.
All hail Quang.
(audience laughing)
(air hissing)
Wouldn't I get the same effect
if I stuck my head out a cab window?
(audience laughing)
That's nice right there, that's,
a lot of tension in the arms isn't there?
You type a lot?
No, but I use my hands a lot when I
do the talk show, you know what I mean?
This is the part of my body that I use the most.
The face and the arms.
Like, look at this, check this out.
Our next guest is someone I think you're gonna really enjoy.
Please put your hands together for
Emmanuel Lewis.
(funky beat music)
(audience roaring)
No!
You butcher!
You butchered me!
(crying)
You know what's weird?
If I were to flex right now,
the two of you would go flying out of the room.
(techno music)
(audience cheering)
We're gonna give you a vacuum-assisted massage.
So, just to give you a demonstration of it.
These are very funny looking.
I could do a very funny, physical bit with this,
but I won't, because I'm too classy.
(whistling suction)
(laughing) I can't walk!
I can walk!
More treatments this way.
What's happening? Why don't you describe what's happening?
Okay, right now I'm just mixing up the carrot
with the essential oils, it's a little warm.
I should probably mention
that I'm violently allergic to carrot.
Is that a problem?
You look like a sexy tug boat captain right now.
(audience laughing) That's-- (indistinct)
Yeah.
You don't hear that a lot,
sexy tug boat captain do ya? No.
Okay I think the carrot stuff is making me a little high.
Well, congratulations.
You've made my body more orange than it already was.
(audience laughing and cheering)
It's terrific.
You know what this is like?
This is like an autopsy for a guy
that was killed by a flying pumpkin.
(audience roars)
That's, that's what this is.
(funky techno music)
Phew!
I'm feeling a lot better.
All that stress is gone, thanks to Bliss.
Now all I have to do, is get dressed.
(funky techno music)
(audience cheering)