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♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
DREW BARRYMORE IS THE GUEST TONIGHT, RIGHT?
SHE'S A NATIONAL TREASURE.
I LOVE HER.
SHE'S GOT A TALK SHOW.
IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME.
ABOUT DAMN TIME, ENTERTAINMENT INDUSTRY.
SORRY, I WAS ANGRY.
THE TRUMP PRESIDENCY HAS BEEN FOUR YEARS OF HIM MAKING
SHOCKING AND HATE-FILLED REMARKS.
I'VE OFTEN WONDERED: IS THERE ANYTHING HE COULD, ANYTHING HE
COULD PUT OUT THAT WOULD CAUSE HIM TO LOSE HIS
MOST LOYAL SUPPORTERS?
TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION, I TURNED TO SOMEONE ELSE WITH A
LONG HISTORY OF MAKING SHOCKING REMARKS: TRIUMPH, THE INSULT
COMIC DOG.
OVER THE LAST COUPLE YEARS, TRIUMPH HAS GIVEN "THE LATE
SHOW" A SERIES OF HARD-HITTING JOURNALISTIC REPORTS.
MOST RECENTLY, BACK IN FEBRUARY, DURING SIMPLER, HAPPIER TIMES:
IMPEACHMENT.
AND LIKE ME, TRIUMPH WAS CURIOUS ABOUT TRUMP'S SUPPORTERS-- SO HE
GATHERED SOME OF THEM TOGETHER.
JIM?
>> DESPITE THE TRAVESTIES OF HIS CORONAVIRUS RESPONSE, THE FAILED
ECONOMY, AND CALIFORNIA'S EXPLODING TREES, PRESIDENT
TRUMP'S LOYAL FOLLOWERS HAVE STUCK WITH HIM THROUGH THE GOOD
TIMES AND THE END TIMES.
ONE WONDERS IF ANYTHING THE PRESIDENT SAYS OR DOES COULD
COST HIM THEIR HERD MENTALITY, SO WE BROUGHT THESE ACTUAL TRUMP
SUPPORTERS TO THIS ACTUAL FOCUS GROUP RESEARCH CENTER, WHERE
THIS ACTUAL MODERATOR SHOWED THEM A SERIES OF ACTUAL FAKE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN ADS.
>> THANK YOU FOR COMING IN TODAY.
WE APPRECIATE YOU GUYS COMING IN.
JUST TO SORT OF GET, YOU KNOW, GROUNDED AND FOR ME TO HAVE SOME
BACKGROUND, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO TELL ME A LITTLE BIT ABOUT WHY
IS PRESIDENT TRUMP YOUR GUY?
>> I LIKE MONEY.
>> MONEY.
>> AND HE KNOWS HOW TO MAKE IT.
>> UH-HUH.
>> AND HE IS NOT A POLITICIAN.
AND IT'S GOOD TO HAVE SOMEBODY THAT-- THAT SPEAKS SOME OF THE
THINGS THAT I WANT TO JUST SCREAM SOMETIMES.
>> AS YOU CAN PROBABLY IMAGINE, YOU KNOW, THE PRESIDENT ISN'T
TOO HAPPY ABOUT THE POLLS RIGHT NOW AND ISN'T TOO HAPPY ABOUT
THE WAY HE'S BEING PERCEIVED IN THE MEDIA.
SO, YOU KNOW, HE REALLY WANTS TO KIND OF TAKE BACK THE NARRATIVE.
HE'S TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN NOVEMBER.
I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THE ADS, WHAT YOU LIKE ABOUT THEM,
ANYTHING YOU DISLIKE, THE MESSAGE AND WE'LL HAVE OTHER
QUESTIONS AND THINGS LIKE THAT.
>> OKAY, HERE WE GO.
>> WE ALL HAVE SEEN HOW OUT OF CONTROL.
THEY WANT TO DEFUND FIREFIGHTERS AND AMBULANCE CORPS.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
THEY'RE PASSING LEGISLATION TO NAME EVERY STREET BLACK LIVES
MATTER PLAZA.
IT'S GOING TO BE INCREDIBLY CONFUSING.
PORTLAND IS PRINTING THEIR OWN MONEY BUT WITH NO WHITES ON IT.
THE SCHOOLS HAVE GOTTEN RID OF THE PLUS SIGN BECAUSE IT LOOKS
TOO MUCH LIKE THE CROSS.
AND OF COURSE THEY'RE TEARING DOWN OUR PRECIOUS STATUES.
WE NEED TO STOP THESE PEOPLE AND I'VE GOT A PLAN.
LET'S ELECTRIFY THE STATUES.
WE PUT 100,000 VOLTS THROUGH THEM.
THE SECOND THEY TOUCH THEM, WHOOSH.
JUST LET THEM TRY TO PEE ON IT.
WE MAY LOSE DOGS BUT IT WILL BE WORTH IT TO SAVE OUR HISTORY.
>> TELL ME YOUR REACTION ABOUT THAT ONE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
>> I THINK HE COULD HAVE EXPLAINED IT A LITTLE BIT BETTER
THAN THAT.
LIKE HE JUST SAID, YOU KNOW, HISTORY IS HISTORY.
THAT'S IN THE PAST.
WE CAN'T-- WHY ARE WE GOING TO GO AROUND AND CHANGE ALL THESE
NAME BRAND FOODS.
>> I'M ALL FOR PUTTING TERRORIST ON THE MONUMENTS.
WE DON'T TEACH HISTORY NO MORE.
>> OKAY, DISTURBING, BUT NOT DEPLORABLE.
>> WE'RE GOING TO LOOK AT ANOTHER ONE NOW.
>> EVERYBODY KNOWS WE'RE NOT EQUIPPED TO HAVE A FAIR ELECTION
IN NOVEMBER BETWEEN THE KUNG FU PANDA VIRUS.
TO ENSURE AN HONEST RESULT, I'M PROPOSING MY NEW BEST OF THREE
ELECTION PLANS.
THE FIRST ELECTION HAPPENS AS SCHEDULED IN NOVEMBER.
THE NEXT ONE IN 2022 WHEN WE'RE FULLY PREPARED.
AND IF A TIE-BREAKER IS NEEDED, ONE MORE IN 2024.
LOOK, AMERICANS LOVE PLAY-OFFS.
THEY'RE WAY MORE EXCITING AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, MORE FAIR.
THINK ABOUT THE RATINGS.
EVERYBODY WINS.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> THAT WAS NEW TO ME.
I HADN'T HEARD THAT PROPOSAL, BUT I THINK THAT MIGHT BE VERY
BENEFICIAL, YEAH.
>> I THINK WE GO TO THE POLLS EVERY TWO YEARS ANYWAY, JUST GET
MORE PEOPLE OUT TO THE THE POLLS.
>> NOT THAT LONG AGO THE PRESIDENT SAID SOMETHING ABOUT
MAYBE WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT DELAYING THE ELECTION.
SO HOW LONG SHOULD THAT BE?
LIKE, WHAT WOULD BE REASONABLE FOR YOU?
>> SIX MONTHS.
>> SHOOT, WE HAD EIGHT YEARS OF OBAMA.
I THINK WE COULD DO SIX MORE MONTHS OF TRUMP.
>> CAN'T HE DO AN EXCLUSIVE ORDER?
ISN'T THAT POSSIBLE?
>> HE CAN EXCLUSIVE ORDER ANYTHING.
HE'S PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
>> THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I WONDERED IF MASKS REALLY DO CUT
OFF OXYGEN TO THE BRAIN.
>> LET ME SHOW YOU ANOTHER ONE HERE, THIS IS A GREAT-- GREAT
DISCUSSION BY THE WAY, SO THANK YOU, GUYS, FOR ALL YOUR GOOD
THOUGHTS.
>> I'M BLOWN AWAY BY HOW CHILDREN ARE IMMUNE TO THE HONG
KONG FLU-YVIRUS.
SINCE CHILDREN CAN'T GET SICK, SEND THEM INTO THE WORKFORCE.
FORGET THE LIBERAL SCHOOLS WHICH AR A DISASTER.
LET'S PUT THEM TO WORK AND GET THE ECONOMY GOING AGAIN.
THINK ABOUT IT, KEEP THE ADULTS HOME AND LET THE KIDS BE THE
ESSENTIAL WORKERS.
OUR SUPERMARKET CLERKS, THEY'LL GET IT DONE.
THEY'RE IMMUNE.
THEY'RE IN NO DANGER WORKING IN A MEAT PROCESSING PLANT.
NO DANGER OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY.
THEY'LL LEARN SOMETHING VALUABLE-- HOW TO PACK MEAT.
KID FIREMEN, THEY LOVE THOSE JOBS.
MAKE THEM COPS.
THEY'RE NOT RACIST.
THEY DON'T KNOW ABOUT IT.
WE WILL JUMP AHEAD OF CHINA, TOO.
THEY'LL BE SUPER JEALOUS.
LITTLE KID DOCTORS, LITTLE KID STOCK BROCKERS.
IT WILL BE SAFE AND ADORABLE.
>> PUTTING A SIX-YEAR-OLD IN A MEAT PACKING PLANT.
>> I THINK IF IT WASN'T FIVE-YEAR-OLDS AND IT WAS, LIKE,
12-YEAR-OLDS.
>> YEAH, ALL OF THOSE, I THINK, WOULD HAVE TO BE TEENAGERS.
I MEAN POLICEMEN, FIRE DEPARTMENT, THAT'S PHYSICAL
JOBS.
>> KIDS DON'T KNOW RACISM.
>> ARE THERE CERTAIN GROUPS THAT IT MAKES MORE SENSE FOR?
>> FOR MEXICANS.
>> FARMERS.
>> COMMUNITIES THAT, YOU KNOW, ARE IN POVERTY.
THEATRE ONES THAT SELL DRUGS.
I DON'T DO DRUGS.
I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO BETTER THEMSELVES.
IT'S JUST DISGUSTING THAT THERE ARE-- A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT ARE
JUST LAZY.
>> FUN FACT: THIS IS THE SAME FOCUS GROUP THAT APPROVED THE
"GAME OF THRONS" FINALE.
>> I'M GOING TO SHARE WITH YOU AN AUDIO FILE THAT HAS BEEN
UNCOVERED AND BASICALLY THE CONCERN IS THAT THERE'S SOME
DIRT THAT'S GOING TO COME OUT, YOU KNOW, THAT THE MEDIA COULD
BE REALLY DOING THIS.
>> I DON'T KNOW, I HEARD THAT MICROWAVING I KILLS THE VIRUS.
>> I DON'T BELIEVE THAT'S BEEN PROVEN.
>> NOW WE HAVE TO WAIT AROUND FOR PROOF?
WE DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.
HAVE WE TRIED PUTTING A PERSON IN THE MICROWAVE.
>> THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE.
>> I DON'T MEAN-- LOOK, I MEAN BUILD A GIANT HUMAN-SIZED
MICROWAVE.
WHY WOULDN'T YOU TRY IT?
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE HARM?
>> WE CAN'T JUST PUT A HUMAN BEING IN--
>> NOT HUMAN BEINGS.
WE HAVE ALL THESE IMMIGRANTS IN THE CAMPS, ALL THESE CONVICTED
CONVICTS.
WE COULD OFFER THEM-- I DON'T KNOW-- OFFER THEM PAROLE, UNLOCK
THE DOOR AND GIVE THEM A HEAD START.
>> ARE YOU JOKING, SIR?
>> NO, I'M NOT JOKING.
I'M NOT BEING SARCASTIC.
HOW DANGEROUS WOULD 20 SECONDS BE BE?
I CAN'T EVEN MELT ICE CREAM IN 20 SECONDS?
>> CAN'T HE SAY HE DID IT AND HE WAS JOKING.
THEY ONLY PUT PART OF THE CONVERSATION IN.
THEY JUST TOOK OUT WHAT THEY WANTED.
>> I KNOW, BUT THAT'S JUST LIKE HE SAID, YOU KNOW, DRINK BLEACH
TO KILL THE VIRUS.
>> HE JUST-- WHATEVER'S ON HIS MIND, HE'S GOING TO SPEAK.
THAT'S TRUMP.
>> HE'S NOT A PUPPET LIKE BIDEN.
>> MAYBE THERE'S A SLIVER OF, LIKE, WELL, MAYBE MICROWAVING
WOULD DO SOMETHING TO HELP.
>> IS THAT HOW, LIKE, GOOD IDEAS GET MADE, YOU KNOW, HAPPEN IS BY
PEOPLE HAVING CRAZY THOUGHTS OF--
>> AND THEN THEY BRING IT BACK DOWN.
>> IF YOU ADMIT TO THAT, THAT YOU WOULD POSSIBLY THINK ABOUT
USING AN IMMIGRANT IN A MICROWAVE, LIKE, THAT CROSSED
YOUR MIND?
IT'S JUST TAKE AN OLD PERSON, NOTHING WRONG, AND MICROWAVING
HIM?
NOBODY'S GOING TO GO FOR THAT.
NOBODY.
I MEAN, EVEN-- I WOULD STILL VOTE FOR HIM, BUT THAT WAS
STUPID.
>> SO LET'S SAY THAT THERE WAS SOME REALLY GOOD NEWS COMING OUT
ABOUT, LIKE, A VACCINE, AND TRUMP WAS ABLE TO TAKE CREDIT
FOR THAT.
THIS ONE IS ABOUT SOME POTENTIAL GOOD NEWS ABOUT SOME VACCINE
RESEARCH, SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
>> I TOLD YOU HOW I FEEL ABOUT THESE LOSERS SCIENTIST PEOPLE.
THEY'RE WAY TOO SLOW, LIKE SLEEPY JOE.
GUESS WHAT?
WHILE THEY'VE BEEN CRYING AND WAITING, I DEVELOPED A VACCINE.
I PUT UP MY OWN MONEY.
I HAVE A NATIONAL HURRICANE CENTER UNDER.
MY UNCLE WAS AT M.I.T.
DOCTORS SAY WE HAVE TO TEST IT MORE BUT IT WILL BE READY TO
ROLL OUT RIGHT AFTER THE ELECTION.
THAT'S JUST AROUND THE CORNER.
BUT I THINK IT'S GOING TO BE TERRIFIC AND TASTY.
THE MOST DELICIOUS VACCINE IN HISTORY.
SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE ABDOMINAL PAIN, SLIGHT
HEADACHES, HEARTBURN, AND DIARRHEA LIKE YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE.
YOU HAVE NEVER SEEN DIARRHEA LIKE THIS.
SOME PEOPLE ARE REALLY HAPPY WITH THESE SIDE EFFECTS.
I MEAN, A LOT OF MODELS PAY TO HAVE THAT KIND OF DIARRHEA.
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO LOSE WEIGHT.
YOU WON'T MISS IT.
DID I TELL YOU I WAS GOING TO FIX THIS THING?
MY NEW VACCINE, READY NOVEMBER 4 IN FLORIDA, PENNSYLVANIA, OHIO,
WISCONSIN, MICHIGAN, AND ARIZONA, AND POSSIBLY TEXAS, IF
THOSE NUMBERS DON'T GO UP.
THAT'S WINNING.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> IS THIS THE KIND OF NEWS THAT
CAN HELP GET TRUMP ACROSS THE FINISH LINE TO GET HIM ELECTED
AGAIN?
>> OH, YEAH.
>> AT THE END THERE, HE SHOWED THAT LIST OF STATES, RIGHT?
>> IS IT OKAY TO GIVE IT TO CERTAIN STATES FIRST?
>> I THINK YOU WITHHOLD IT FROM CUOMO IN NEW YORK.
YOU DON'T GIVE NEW YORK NOTHING.
THAT GUY IS A FLIPPING IDIOT.
>> WHAT STATES SHOULD BE THE ONES WHO GET IT FIRST?
>> THE HIGHEST NUMBERS I GUESS, YOU KNOW.
>> NO, THAT'S CALIFORNIA AND NEW YORK.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
THE HIGHEST NUMBERS, NEW JERSEY, NEW YORK, CALIFORNIA.
>> TEXAS.
TEXAS.
>> IF WE'RE GOING TO SHOW ONE OF THESE TWO PEOPLE OR SAY HERE'S
WHO WE THINK SHOULD GET THE VACCINE, WHO DO YOU WANT TO SEE
GET IT OPRAH WINFREY OR-- YOU KNOW WHO THESE PEOPLE WERE?
>> WE'LL GO WITH THE GUN-TOUTING ONES.
>> THESE ARE THE PEOPLE WHO DEFENDED THEIR PROPERTY,
REMEMBER?
>> PROPERTY OWNERS GET.
>> TELL ME WHY?
>> BECAUSE SHE'S VOTING FOR BIDEN.
>> THEY'RE RELATABLE.
THEY'RE STICKING UP FOR THEMSELVES.
THEY'RE US.
DISWHRIE YOU HAVE IT.
THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN.
OCCASIONALLY IN COHERENT SENTENCES.
>> TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP, TRUMP.
>> AND IN THE END, NO MATTER WHOM YOU SUPPORT, WE CAN ALL
AGREE, AMERICA IS BLESSED WITH AN INFORMED ELECTORATE, AND THE
FUTURE IS BRIGHTER THAN EVER.
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, TRIUMPH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH DREW BARRYMORE.
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