WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
25 DAYS?
IT'S DAY 25 OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN.
WHICH IS GREAT NEWS FOR EVERYONE WHOSE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION WAS
"LAWLESS ANARCHY."
OF COURSE, THE SHUTDOWN HAS BEEN HARD ON GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES,
PARTICULARLY THE PRESIDENT.
HIS POPULARITY HAS TAKEN A NOSEDIVE.
EVEN THE SUPER-REPUBLICAN-LEANING
RASMUSSEN POLL SHOWS TRUMP WITH HIS LOWEST APPROVAL RATING IN A
YEAR.
HE'S CRATERING.
BY THE TIME THE ELECTION ROLLS AROUND, HE COULD LOSE TO THE
TICKET OF "CHLAMYDIA/TED CRUZ" 2020.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: OH, SNAP!
>> Stephen: THAT'S SOY NICE OF HIM.
THAT'S SO GENEROUS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE CRUZE GAVE THE VP SPOT TO CHLAMYDIA.
ON THE OTHER HAND, SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI IS NOW MORE POPULAR IN
GALLUP POLLS THAN SHE HAS BEEN IN A DECADE.
IN THIS KEEPS GOING--
>> YEAH.
IF THIS KEEPS GOING, WHO KNOWS?
SHE MAY EVEN GET HER OWN PODIUM.
AND THE SHUTDOWN COULD GO ON FOR A LONG TIME.
HERE'S WHAT TRUMP SAID TO FARMERS YESTERDAY.
>> WHEN IT COMES TO KEEPING THE AMERICAN PEOPLE SAFE, I WILL
NEVER, EVER BACK DOWN.
>> Stephen: "NEVER, EVER.
NO MATTER HOW LONG YOUR AIRPLANES GO UNINSPECTED, NO
MATTER HOW MUCH TAINTED BEEF MAKES IT INTO SCHOOL LUNCHES, NO
MATTER HOW MANY HUMAN FINGERS END UP IN YOUR CANS OF TUNA,
I WILL KEEP YOU SAFE."
( LAUGHTER )
COME OUT OF THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN: A GIANT PILE OF
HAMBURGERS!
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, TRUMP HOSTED THE N.C.A.A. FOOTBALL CHAMPION
CLEMSON TIGERS AND SERVED THEM...
WELL, I'LL LET HIM TELL YOU HIMSELF.
>> WE HAVE PIZZAS.
WE HAVE 300 HAMBURGERS.
MANY, MANY FRENCH FRIES-- ALL OF OUR FAVORITE FOODS.
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T MEAN TO BODY SHAME ANYONE, BUT THE PRESIDENT JUST
SAID ONE OF HIS FAVORITE FOODS IS 300 HAMBURGERS.
( LAUGHTER )
JUST A GIFT FOR THE CLEMSON PLAYERS.
IT WAS A GIFT FOR ALL OF US, BECAUSE IT GAVE US THIS
INCREDIBLE PHOTOGRAPH.
LOOK AT THAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S-- SAYS IT ALL.
IT SAYS IT ALL.
JUST LOOK AT POOR ABRAHAM LINCOLN IN THAT PAINTING IN THE
BACKGROUND.
IF LINCOLN WERE ALIVE, I THINK HE'D WANT TO USE THAT CEREMONIAL
NOOSE.
TRUMP EXPLAINED HOW-- TOO SOON?
TRUMP EXPLAINED HOW THIS LAVISH FEAST CAME TO BE.
>> SO, I HAD A CHOICE: DO WE HAVE NO FOOD FOR YOU BECAUSE WE
HAD A SHUTDOWN, OR DO WE GIVE YOU SOME LITTLE QUICK SALADS
THAT THE FIRST LADY WILL MAKE, ALONG WITH THE SECOND LADY.
THEY'LL MAKE SOME SALADS.
AND I SAID, YOU GUYS AREN'T INTO SALADS.
>> Stephen: "YOU GUYS ARE PRECISION ATHLETES.
YOU NEED TO FUEL YOUR BIG MACHINES WITH PERFORMANCE
NUGGETS AND VITAMIN CHEESE.
IT'S HOW I GOT MY GOLF BODY."
( LAUGHTER )
THOUGHT THIS WAS FUNNY.
LISTEN TO WHAT ONE OF THE CLEMSON PLAYERS SAID UPON
WALKING INTO THE ROOM.
>> I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE.
( LAUGHTER )
YEAH.
>> Jon: I WOULD THINK SO, TOO.
>> Stephen: YEAH, WE ALL THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE.
THEN ELECTION NIGHT CAME AROUND.
BY THE WAY, IN ALL THE FOOTAGE WE LOOKED AT, WE SAW ZERO
EVIDENCE OF ANY DRINKS.
"AH, GEE, MR. PRESIDENT, THANKS FOR HAVING ME OVER TO DRY
SWALLOW A HUGE LUMP OF ROOM- TEMPERATURE FILET-O-FISH."
BUT I SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE: THE MUELLER INVESTIGATION IS
CLOSING IN, AND THE SHUTDOWN IS TANKING TRUMP'S POLL NUMBERS.
IF THIS PILE OF BURGERS IS JUST HIS WAY OF DISTRACTING US, I
I WANT TO SAY I'M TOTALLY INTO IT.
BUT WHY STOP THERE?
I WANT TO SEE A MONSTER TRUCK TEARING ASS THROUGH THE ROSE
GARDEN.
THE REFLECTING POOL FILLED WITH RANCH DRESSING.
OR SEE TRUMP FLIP OVER THE LIBERTY BELL AND USE IT AS A
GIANT K.F.C. BUCKET.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: DEGRADATION.
COMPLETE DEGRADATION.
>> Stephen: THAT LOOKS GOOD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH.
SO YOU'D THINK THIS WHOLE THING COULDN'T BE ANY LESS DIGNIFIED,
RIGHT?
WELL, APPARENTLY, YOU FORGOT DONALD TRUMP HAS A TWITTER
ACCOUNT, BECAUSE THIS MORNING HE TWEETED: "GREAT BEING WITH THE
NATIONAL CHAMPION CLEMSON TIGERS LAST NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
BECAUSE OF THE SHUTDOWN, I SERVED THEM MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF
FAST FOOD-- I PAID.
OVER 1,000 HAMBERDERS, ETC."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES.
HAMBERDERS HAMBERDERS, ET CETERA.
THAT'S RIGHT, IN ADDITION TO HAMBERDERS, THERE WERE CHORKEN
NERGLETS, FRONCH FIRS, FELAYSHOFITCH AND, OF COURSE,
PIZZAZZ.