♪♪
-Welcome to Target.
Let's see.
Yard gloves. [ Beep ]
Tomato seeds.
[ Beep ]
Fertilizer. [ Beep ]
Hey, Pat Sajak, I'll solve the puzzle!
Gardening.
It's going to be $42.11.
-Here you go. -A $50!
And it's legit.
I get to put this under the tray.
-Look, I'm sorry. I'm in a hurry.
-Hey, you know what fertilizer is, right?
-Excuse me?
-It's part dirt and part feces.
It's my job to let you know what you're buying.
I just thought you should know
you're buying a big bag of feces.
-Thanks.
-Someone left a bag of feces on my doorstep once.
It was Halloween, and they rang the bell.
But when I got there, they were gone.
But they let their feces bag.
They must have forgotten it.
I put it in my garden.
But it didn't help any of my plants.
I think because it came from a person.
I'm sure this will work because this manure came from a chicken.
[ Zip! ]
Wow, I haven't seen anything move that fast
since I went to an illegal mouse race.
It was a weird, weird night.
-Did somebody say weird?
-Peg.
-Hi, girlfriend. -Hey.
-So I strained my neck.
-How'd you do that, girlfriend?
-I was pushing a washing machine up a hill
when my fashion sandal got caught
on a decorative yard prick.
Is that not just classic Peg?
-Classic Peg.
-So then I tripped and tried to brace myself on the washer lid,
but I ended up breakin' it off and fallin' inside.
I rolled all the way back down the hill inside of it.
I mean, I was holding on to the cup that holds the softener,
and my legs were clenched around the agitator pole.
Can you believe it?
I mean, is that not just classic Peg?
-So classic.
-So the next thing I know,
I'm peering my head out of the machine.
It's 8:00 in the morning and I'm behind the Dunky Donuts
by the private airport.
Classic Peg.
-So what brings you to Target, Miss Thing?
-Two words, potato sticks and Kar-erl.
I got a date tonight.
-Yowser.
-Well, you know how I roll. I just -- Ow.
I'll be right back.
-Hi. Can I pay for these?
-I forgot my coconut water. Just classic Peg.
-[ Gasps ] Look how long your hair is.
I bet if you put it up in a bun, it would look like
you were wearing a hair-covered kaiser roll.
Right, let's see.
Sunscreen, nose plugs.
I wear nose plugs around the house
when my neighbor cooks broccoli.
What's this? Arm floaties?
-Yeah, you blow them up with air.
They're for my son to help him swim.
Where are you going?
-Excuse me. Is this register open?
-Yeah, I guess. But the lady just took off.
-Is it a white lady that has a haircut
that looks like she got bangs
that go all the way around her head and never stop?
-Yeah.
-Do she sound like her voice box is covered in egg?
-That's her.
-Yep, I thought so. I'm waiting in the other line.
-I found them.
I'm gonna blow these up and put them on my antique bean cans,
fill them with pencils
so I can write thank-you notes in the tub.
Peg, you're back.
-You are never gonna believe what just happened to me, girl.
I was checking my mascara in one of the fish tanks
when all of a sudden I felt this tiny pinch
on the edge of my panty band.
I looked around, pushed my slacks down to my ankles,
and found something crawling on me.
It was a black widow spider.
-Those are poisonous! -I know.
So I flicked it on the ground and realized, get this,
it was a half-flattened licorice jelly bean.
So there I was laughing with my comfort slacks around my ankles
by the fish tanks at Target.
Classic Peg.
Then guess who runs into me.
My preacher from church.
And guess what he said.
-That heaven has a Target?
-No.
He didn't -- He didn't say that.
Classic Peg.
-Classic Peg to the max.
-And look what else I found for my date tonight.
[ Vocalizing ]
-Satin handcuffs. Where are those?
-They're with the bachelorette party stuff.
I think it was aisle 12.
[ Ringtone playing up-tempo dance music ]
This is Peg.
Yes, I did call for a full-body waxing except for the neck.
Yes, it usually takes about three hours with two breaks.
Yes, I can hop on my scooter and be there in 20.
Ooh, I gotta go. My friend's coming back.
-Wham, bam, thank you, Peg.
I'm gonna put these around the trunks of my indoor palm trees
to make sure they grow parallel to one another.
-Well, listen, I got to go. I got to get to my waxing.
My Barbara Bush is getting bigger by the minute.
I call it that because, well, it's white
and a bunch of people took pictures of it in the '90s.
-TMI, Miss Girl.
-I'm thinking about making cabbage tacos for us tonight.
Maybe I better pick up some air freshener.
-How about instead you get a scented candle?
We have vanilla, lavender breeze, stress relief.
I think there's peppermint in that.
Lilac, Hawaiian scented...
Hey, don't be shy. Hi. Welcome to Target.
-Thank you.
-Ooh, body bronzer.
Looks like someone's trying to beat the winter blues.
-Uh, the winter what?
-Is this for your pasty skin?
-Uh, no, I just want to look good for a wedding I'm going to.
-I love weddings!
I get to sit at circle tables and listen to the hits of today.
Like "Single Ladies."
-That's great. Listen, I'm kind of --
-[ Humming "Single Ladies" ]
-Okay. Can you please just --
-I love Beyoncé!
Do you want to know what my second-favorite thing
to listen to is?
-I do not. -This!
[ Beep ]
It's gonna be $9.07.
-Here's $10. Keep the change.
-I'm not allowed!
I know -- I'm gonna give this to Sarah McLachlan
and her wet dogs.
-Oh, this box.
-Hey, Boogie, how's it hanging?
-Not too great.
One, last night, my remote-control helicopter
flew through my ponytail and cut off eight inches.
And two, this box is heavy.
-Hey, here's a positive spin.
You're gaining muscle mass.
-Oh, I don't know. I-I-I doubt it.
Pow!
I was really hoping you'd notice.
-Pull your pants up. I can see your forest.
-Boogie, what the hell you doing 'sides turning me on?
Put your shirt back on, get that box to baby wear.
-I'm sorry, Mr. Evenings.
-Sorry's for horses. Now, get!
-I almost hit a horse once with my Smart car.
I ended up driving right under it.
It left a brown racing stripe on the hood.
I loved it!
Went away with the rain.
Hey, where'd Boogie go?
-I don't know, but I've been standing here for 30 seconds
with a face like this...
-Hi. Welcome to Target.
Let's see. Smucker's jelly.
[ Beep ] Very hot right now.
Dog collar. Hope you have a dog.
Wink.
Wait, what's this?
-Oh, that's a saucer sled.
-Where'd you get this?
-Over by the shovels and snow stuff.
W-Where you going?
What -- Where did she go?
What the hell are you doing?
-I'm getting huge.
I think that the cashier with the egg voice likes my muscles,
and I like her thin brown lips.
And tonight I'm gonna go ask her to see "Tintin."
-Oh, that's nice.
-Hot chicken, I found one.
I'm gonna paint a huge eyeball on this,
put it outside my window, and when I have company,
I'll pull the drapes back
and tell everyone a giant is watching us.
-Can I just pay for the stuff, please?
-That'll be $38.25.
-I have a gift card. -Yay! Gift card!
I have an adult dollhouse,
and sometimes I use these as bath mats.
Your balance is $12.75.
You could still get a bowl of glass pebbles
for the back of your toilet.
-Just give me the card back, you mushroom-haired kook.
-Hey!
Don't talk to her like that,
or you'll have me to deal with in two years
once I get a little more bulky.
Okay, bro bud?
-Boogie, who told you to put your shirt back on?
-You did. -Alright, but I'm watching you.
I'm always watching you.
-Hi. Um, just these.
-What are these?
-It's a multi-pack of chip clips.
Wait. Where are you going?
-Have you seen a tall guy with a mustache eating a hot dog?
-No, but my cashier just left.
-Lucky. You got to see her from behind.
Pretty great, right?
-Nope.
-Deviled eggs on ice, I found some.
I'm gonna take all these and clip myself into bed at night
'cause I have restless legs and arms.
-Alright.
How much?
[ Beep ]
$5.11.
Yes! That's how tall my niece is.
-Can I just give you my Visa?
-I need an ID with this.
Oh, you look mad in this picture.
It's a match!
And swipe.
Approved!
[ Receipt printing ]
Hey, you didn't get a bag.
-Well, that's the end of my shift,
but I got to go to Mr. Evening's house.
He asked if I would do some odd jobs for him,
and when he said "odd,"
his eyebrows went up and down like this.
-Well, see you tomorrow, Boogie.
Thanks for working at Target.
-Hey, d-do you want to see "Tintin" tonight?
-I can't. I have a funeral for my fish.
He was an anchovy named Pizza. Ironic!
You should come. -I'd love to.
-Alright, wear black and prepare to get wet.
-Should I bring anything?
-No, I have everything I need from Target.
-I have candles, flashing lights, tissues for tears...
-And thank you so much. Here's your change.
-No, thank you. You've been a great cashier.
-Alright, take it, take it. Let's go. Get out of here.
Let's go, come on. Take it, take it, take it.
-Come on. Are you okay?
-It's my shift! I want to start!
I want to start my shift!
-Come on, that was a customer.
-Alright, take your cash drawer and get the "F" out of here.
I'm on the clock and ready to rock!
-Geez. Target Lady, it's just a job.
-You're a fool and you know it.
Ohh. God, I hope someone walks up soon
so I can say, "Welcome to Target."
I just want to say, "Welcome to Target."
Just want to say, "Welcome to Target," to somebody.
Welcome to Target!
-Thanks. Just this stuff.
-Oh, yes! My favorite film, "Madagascar," baby!
I love DreamWorks. [ Beep ]
Cocktail-size paper plates?
You know, you can put two of these down your pants,
one on each side of your bum, so your butt looks flat?
Flat is where it's at, girlfriend.
-Oh, I don't know if that's true.
-What -- What is this?
Degree deodorant, and the scent is Cool Rush?
Where'd you get this?
-In the toiletries section. Hey, where are you going?
Excuse me.
The cashier just disappeared.
-Hold it. Did she look like a middle-aged turtle
with brown lips and a hair helmet?
-Yeah, that was her.
-Oh, hell, no, I cannot deal with that lady today.
-Sweet Mary Hart! I found it!
I'm gonna use this deodorant to cover the entire surface
of my adult outdoor slide.
It's too fast!
The other day I zipped down so darn quickly,
I flew into my neighbor's yard, through her legs,
and ended up next to her Acura.
-Okay. I'm sorry.
My girlfriend's waiting in the car, so...
-Your what?
-Why are you making that face?
-I've never met a lesbian.
Do you all wear vests?
-I'm not wearing one right now.
-Stereotype busted.
I learn something every day at Target.
Yesterday I learned that Coca-Cola is dark brown.
That'll be $441.
-What? That cannot be right.
-Uh-oh. You're correct.
You know what that means. I get to do something very rare.
Void!
Voids take a lot of energy.
I think I need half of an almond.
It worked!
Successfully voided.
Your real total is $38.51. And here's a wink for free.
-I'll just pay cash.
-You can use your debit if it's easier.
Don't worry, I will cross my eyes
so I can't see your secret code.
If you're still here, thanks for coming to Target.
Oh, my eyes.
I feel like I've been staring at the sun again.
I'm dizzy and my blood sugar is low, low, low.
I better eat that other half of the almond.
Better!
Alright, who's next and ready for customer service to die for?
-Hi. Just these, please.
-Well, look at all of these cards.
Birthday, graduation,
Mother's Day, coming up tomorrow.
Under the wire.
Someone's turning 3.
Oh.
Someone died.
And I just realized I said "customer service to die for."
Open mouth, insert Target sock-covered foot.
-No, no, no, no, I'm just buying a bunch of cards
so I have them on hand, you know, when I need them.
-Are you a hoarder?
Sometimes I think I am.
-I don't know you, but I have a feeling that you are.
-I have every issue of "Sassy" magazine.
-Well, how come?
-I like to cut out the models' eyes
and put them on my eyelids so when I'm asleep,
my birds never feel alone and the ghosts think I'm awake.
-Well, there's no such thing as ghosts.
-I have a ghost, and her name is Dr. Gayle Perkins.
She told me she's suffering between realms.
What do I do?
-Move?
-Oh, honey, there you are.
I just -- I need to get these, too.
-Maxi pads?
What are these?
-Feminine protection for...
-Protection from what?
-You know, every month, a woman...
-Drives to Florida just to get a quick look at Florida?
-What?
-Where'd you get these?
-With the feminine protection --
Where is she going?
-I don't know. Let's just go to Kohl's.
-Kohl's? Who are you, Donald Trump?
-Hot duck! I found them.
I'm gonna get these, wet them, and puff them up
and lay them out on the back side of my toilet
and create a winter wonderland for my granny dolls.
Oh, they're gonna need new jackets.
While I'm at it, I should pick up some Lawry's seasoned salt,
a strawberry candle, chocolate, charcoals,
Chuckles, a chewy Chuckle,
Pabst, indoor/outdoor birdseed.