>> Stephen: FOLKS, SINCE TRUMP'S TAKEN
OFFICE, HIS CABINET HAS HAD HISTORIC AMOUNTS OF TURNOVER.
HISTORIC AMOUNTS OF TURNOVER?
ALSO HIS FAVORITE BREAKFAST.
( PIANO RIFF ) THANK YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THERE ARE RUMORS THAT
"ENERGY SECRETARY RICK PERRY MAY BE PLANNING ON STEPPING DOWN."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT COMES AS A SHOCK.
IT COMPLETELY SHOCKS ME THAT HE IS SECRETARY OF ENERGY BECAUSE I
FORGOT.
I COMPLETELY FORGOT HE WAS IN TRUMP'S QUAB NET.
HE'S BEEN IN THERE SINCE THE BEGIN BUG YOU NEVER HEAR BOO
ABOUT HIM.
I NEEDED TO KNOW WHY SECRETARY PERRY HAS BEEN SUSPICIOUSLY
QUIET, SO I LAUNCHED AN INVESTIGATION WITH MY
LONG-RUNNING SERIES: "STEPHEN COLBERT'S UNSEEN MYSTERIES OF
THE HIDDEN SECRETS."
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
YEAH, PEOPLE LOVE IT.
PEOPLE LOVE IT.
>> Jon: PEOPLE LOVE THAT!
>> Stephen: PEOPLE LOVE THE SERIES.
>> Jon: IT'S MAZING!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: THE BIGGEST
MYSTERY?
WHY NO ONE HAS SEEN THIS SEGMENT SINCE THE FALL OF 2015.
ONLY SECOND TIME WE'VE DONE IT.
SO WHERE IS RICK PERRY?
LET'S FIND OUT.
>> SO MANY MYSTERIES UNSOLVEDDER BUT IT'S UP TO ME, STEPHEN
COLBERT, TO DE-UNSOLVE THEM.
THIS IS STEPHEN COLBERT'S UNSEEN MYSTERIES OF THE HIDDEN SECRETS.
( CHEERING ) FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS,
SECRETARY OF ENERGY RICK PERRY HAS MOSTLY KEPT OUT OF SIGHT.
NO SCANDALS, NO PROTESTS, NO OVERPRICED FURNITURE.
HOW COULD A MAN WHO LOVES THE SPOTLIGHT SO MUCH BECOME AS
ELUSIVE AS THE MYSTERIOUS BIG FOOT?
WHAT IS HE HIDING?
TONIGHT'S QUEST -- FINDING RICK PERRY.
FIRST, TO TRACK THIS ENIGMATIC TEXAN, I CALLED ON THE EXPERTISE
OF DR. STEPHEN CHU, PROFESSOR OF PHYSICS, NOBEL LAUREATE AND
FORMER SECRETARY OF ENERGY BECAUSE, TO FIND A SECRETARY OF
ENERGY, WHO BETTER THAN ANOTHER SECRETARY OF ENERGY?
( LAUGHTER ) I'LL TELL YOU WHO.
THIS GUY.
MATT MONEYMAKER, HOST OF FINDING BIG FOOT, LEADING CRYPTO
ZOOLOGIST.
COOL LAST NAME.
HAVE YOU MET EACH OTHER BEFORE IN YOU'RE BOTH SCIENTISTS.
>> NO, NOT IN THE FIELD.
>> Stephen: YOU WON THE NOBEL PRIZE IN 1997.
>> RIGHT.
>> Stephen: MATT IS THE FOUNDER TO HAVE THE BIG FOOT
RESEARCH ORGANIZATION.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: IS THE PLURAL BIG FEET OR BIG FOOT AS ATTORNEY
GENERAL.
>> IT'S BIG FOOTS.
>> Stephen: HE KNEW HIS STUFF.
I HAD TO FIND OUT IF MATT HAD WHAT IT TAKES TO FIND A
SECRETARY OF ENERGY.
MATT, WHERE'S SECRETARY CHU?
>> THAT CHECKS OUT.
>> Stephen: SECRETARY CHU, AS A FATHER, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE
ALWAYS GOING TO HEAR THE KIDS, YOU KNOW, BEING RAMBUNCTIOUS,
SCREAMING, YELLING, LAUGHING, WHATEVER.
ETH WHEN THEY GO SILENT THAT YOU GET REALLY CONCERNED.
WHAT WORRIES ME IS PERRY'S GONE SILENT.
WHAT'S GOING ON UP THERE?
IT'S TOO QUIET, SECRETARY.
>> THAT, I CAN'T ANSWER.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
MATT, YOU'VE TRIED TO LURE SASQUATCH'S BIG FOOTS FOR YEARS.
YOU'VE PIONEERED TECHNIQUES -- A SOUND BLASTING.
>> SOUND BLASTING.
>> Stephen: WOOD KNOCKING.
YES.
>> Stephen: COORDINATED MIMIC HOWLING.
>> HIMMING HOWLING IS YOU'RE MIMICKING THE HOWLS THEY MAKE TO
RESPOND TO THAT.
>> Stephen: GIVE ME AN IDEA ( LOUD, LONG HOWL )
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT HOWL, IS THAT
MALE OR FEMALE MALE?
>> THAT'S MORE OF A FEMALE TYPE HOWL.
>> Stephen: REALLY?
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SOUND LIKE?
>> BECAUSE FEMALES ARE HIGHER PITCHED AND THE MALES ARE A VERY
BIG BARATONE.
>> Stephen: WHAT WOULD BE THE MATING CALL OF THE SECRETARY OF
ENERGY?
>> HI.
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LIKE THIS RARE
IMAGE OF BIG FOOT, SOME HAVE CAPTURED PHOTOS OF THE SECRETARY
IN THE WILD, HERE WITH MICHAELS FLYNN AND COHEN, HERE WITH
BRADYS CAROL AND MARSHA.
HE WAS ALSO SPOTTED WITH SAUDI PRINCE MOHAMED BIN SALMAN, SEEN
HERE BRIEFLY NOT MURDERING ANYONE.
WHAT DOES THIS SAY?
>> HE CAN SQUAT TO HIDE BEHIND BUSHES WHICH MAKES IT A WHOLE
DIFFERENT THING TO LOOK FOR HIM.
>> Stephen: NARROWS DOWN TO WHERE THERE ARE BUSHES.
>> THAT'S TRUE.
>> Stephen: MATT, IF YOU KNEW RICK PERRY HAD BEEN BEHIND A
BUSH, WHAT KIND OF EVIDENCE WOULD YOU LOOK FOR?
>> TRACKS AND SCATS, ESPECIALLY IF HE WAS SQUATTING BEHIND THE
BUSH AND THERE DIDN'T SEEM TO BE ANY OTHER REASON FOR IT.
>> Stephen: HAVE YOU EVER COME ACROSS THE SAC SWATCH SCAT
DROPPINGS?
>> YES.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO THEY LOOK LIKE?
>> HUMAN BUT MUCH LARGER.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
DELICATE SUBJECT, BUT DO WE HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THE SCAT DROPPINGS
OF RICK PERRY WOULD BE?
>> I HOPE I NEVER FIND OUT.
>> Stephen: HOW DO YOU IDENTIFY HIM?
WHAT'S THE HINT?
>> WELL, ONE OF THE VISUAL DIFFERENCES IS THE RATIO OF THE
ARM LENGTH TO LEG LENGTH.
SASQUATCHES HAVE LONGER ARMS PROPORTIONATELY AND SHORTER
LEGS.
>> Stephen: EVOLUTIONARILY, WHY WOULD THAT BE AN ADVANTAGE?
DOCTOR, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA?
>> USUALLY YOU'RE ALWAYS WALKING ON ALL FOURS PARTIALLY.
>> THAT'S CORRECT.
WHEN THEY'RE YOUNG THEY CAN AMBULATE ON ALL FOURS EASILY AND
CLIMB HILLS QUICKLY.
>> Stephen: HE SAID AMBULATE AND YOU SAID WALK.
FOR A LITTLE WHILE HERE, YOU GOT THE NOBEL PRIZE, FOR JUST A
MOMENT THERE, HE WAS SMARTER THAN YOU.
>> WELL -- >> Stephen: JUST FOR A MINUTE.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO ADMIT AMBULATE IS A SMARTER WORD THAN
"WALK."
( LAUGHTER ) GENTLEMEN, WHAT'S YOUR BEST
ADVICE ON HOW TO FIND THIS ELUSIVE MAMMAL?
( LAUGHTER ) YET ANOTHER DEAD END.
TWO OF THE SMARTEST MEN ON EARTH AND PROFESSOR CHU OUT OF IDEAS.
IF ONLY I COULD REACH OUT TO RICK PERRY DIRECTLY --
>> YOU SHOULD TRY IT.
>> Stephen: WE'VE TRIED.
HAVE WE ASK TO SIT DOWN WITH HIM?
>> I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING WE SHOULD PURSUE.
>> Stephen: WE HAVEN'T TRIED?
WE HAVEN'T CALLED?
MY APOLOGIES.
( LAUGHTER ) ( DIALING )
( RINGING ) >> THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE
OFFICE TO HAVE THE SECRETARY OF ENERGY.
OUR OFFICES ARE CLOSED.
PLEASE LEAVE A MESSAGE AND SOMEONE WILL GET BACK TO YOU.
( HOWLING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
SECRETARY PERRY, YOU CAN RUN AND YOU'RE ALSO GOOD AT HIDING.
BACK WITH A SPECIAL VINTAGE, CONAN O'BRIEN!